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How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single by Linda Ellen Perry and Lynellen D.S. Perry This is the Second Edition of "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy", released in December 2007. Written in a devotional format, the author uses her 17+ years of pregnancy center counseling experience to lovingly address the issues facing the parents of a pregnant single young woman under the age of 25. Real-life stories, practical help, and creative activities provide Biblical insights for successfully navigating the difficult situation of her pregnancy. (192 pages). While we hope that this resource is available for you at your local crisis pregnancy center or pregnancy resource center, we are also happy to offer this book directly to the parents of a pregnant teen or college student. Are you a pregnant teen or college student? Need a way to help break the news to your family? This book can help. Consider leaving a copy where they will find it, along with a note that you would like them to read the chapter "The Importance of First Words" before you come home to talk to them. Would you like some help talking with your family? Call 800-395-HELP to get a referral to a pregnancy help center near you. ISBN 978-0-9720111-5-0 Read our blog about issues you may face as the parent of a pregnant single daughter.
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Topics Covered First Steps To Take Doctor's Appointment Response of Church, Family, and Friends Forgiveness Marriage Single Parents Adoption Parenting Your Grandchild Completing School Giving Birth Childcare Baby Dedication Sexual Integrity Decision Making One Year and Five Year Plans	Sample Pages About the Author Browse the Table of Contents A Note to the Reader Sample Chapter: The Importance of First Words Contracts with your pregnant teen Appendix C: Teen Pregnancy Discussion and Decision Checklist Read our blog about issues you may face as the parent of a pregnant single daughter.
What People Are Saying About This Book: Second Edition Christy Lockstein posted on her blog "Christy's Book Blog" that "While a parent can't change their child's reaction to the pregnancy, mothers and fathers can change how they react, hopefully bringing healing and growth. This book is a fantastic resource for helping them to work through the grief, anger, and guilt that follows a teen's pregnancy." Deena Peterson posted on her blog, "A Peak At My Bookshelf" that "This is the most unique book on this topic I've ever had the pleasure of reviewing! "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" is far more than a how to book on dealing with your teenaged, unwed daughter's pregnancy. This is a devotional book, journal, and guide all rolled into one book. Packed with Scripture, this book gives ample room for response and encourages discussion and journaling for the parents. Linda and Lynellen Perry recognize how emotional charged this kind of situation can be, but they also know that the parents' responses are pivotal in how the daughter and the family make it through this critical time." Angela Breidenbach posted on her blog, "God Uses Broken Vessels", that "Sometimes we see a problem through a microscope. We need a little help stepping back to get a bigger focus. I think that's what this book does. I think it's a good tool to put on our shelves, in our churches, and in the hands of our counselors so that when someone in our community is affected with teen pregnancy, the tool is right at hand. The authors take time to delve into the emotions surrounding a teen pregnancy. They help break down the walls between a hurting young person and a hurting parent. I also think this book would be a great Bible study for any outreach ministry, adult study, and church ministerial planning. Of course, it's also perfect for the parents in need of support in the midst of unplanned turmoil." Reviews by Heidi posted an interview with us about the book. The Nearsighted Bookworm reviewed "How To Survive...", saying "Practical advice from beginning to end to help you make it through this journey with your child. From the doctor's appointment to telling friends to supporting your child to the birth of the baby, you will find each step that you will be going through. This can help you to survive this journey with your child with both your Christianity and relationship intact." In the first chapter "Hearing The Shocking News" page 15 - second paragraph you give some statistics about children born out of wedlock. Then you further break down this statistics regarding race - why? Does this have any impact on the average parent trying to help their teen? What purpose does this piece of information serve? If I am not an African American or American Indian, Alaska Native or Hispanic I should feel better now? If you are going to break down statistics with respect to race - to seem non-bias and fair you should supply all of the numbers regarding all of the races - not just pick out what the world does already - paint a picture of African Americans, American Indians, and Hispanics are the only ones that have teen pregnancy problems. --Anita From Lynellen: Anita, thanks so much for pointing this out! It was definitely my oversight to include the breakdown for several cultures without including the remaining one culture that was available in the table of data! The missing statistic from the same report is that children were born outside of marriage to non-Hispanic whites at 25.4% during the year 2005. We will definitely make sure to include this correction in the next edition. Thanks! First Edition We are going to prevent teen pregnancy, but until we do so, until we get those percentages very close to zero - we need to offer understanding to teen girls and boys who become pregnant. (And they are both involved.) 'How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for a Christian Family' is Linda Ellen Perry's advice on how to offer such understanding. It's easy for us to view a teen mother with criticism. After all, she should have known better. We avoided getting pregnant when we were teens. She could have done the same. Ms. Perry recognizes this attitude, but offers a better solution: understanding and forgiveness. She helps parents and others face up to the issues involved, from telling others the news to welcoming the new baby. Her practical advice helps the entire extended family of the teen forgive those involved, and realize what the teen needs from each person. --Elizabeth L. Hamilton, Character Coach, Author, and Co-creator of Character-in-Action.com Focus On The Family�s HeartLink magazine (Nov/Dec 2004; Vol 11, #6) gives us a great review: �This book limits its perspective to a daughter�s unplanned pregnancy. However, it addresses family issues that may have been contributing factors � along with pointers on the process of forgiveness. The most helpful section discusses when to encourage your daughter to keep the baby, when to encourage her to release for adoption and when to consider raising the child yourself.� This is a wise book full of practical and biblical advice for steering your family through the crisis of a teen pregnancy. There is an emphasis on forgiveness and restoration throughout as the author addresses issue such as secondary virginity, adoption, marriage, etc. Recommended Scripture reading, application questions, guidance for prayer, and helpful checklists for preparing for the baby are also included, as well as personal stories from those who have walked through this situation before. --Pastor Brian G Hedges, Top 1000 Reviewer @ Amazon.com Linda Ellen Perry has written from years of experience in guiding teens who found themselves pregnant before they were ready. Perry gives real-life advice to help parents work through all the issues they will face. The book is practical and Biblical, helping you work through things such as forgiveness, adoption possibilities, your teen parenting alone and what she needs from the adults in her life, welcoming a new baby into your home, and tons of resources. This is only a partial list for Perry has addressed every angle of the challenges faced when your daughter says those words, "Mom, Dad, I'm pregnant". --T. Suzanne Eller, Author of "Real Teens, Real Stories, Real Life", and "Real Issues, Real Teens - What Every Parent Needs to Know". http://www.daretobelieve.org/ "We picked this book up at a CPC retreat in Georgia. Reading it, I was very surprised and pleased at how it takes everyone's feelings into account. It goes step by step into emotions, choices, decisions, etc. The biblical aspect was very well done. I wish I could put several copies into each church in our community! Thank you. --Meendy Couture, Co-Director, Pregnancy Helpline, Michigan" Eagle Forum Notes and News says "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" is "a valuable resource for parents and daughter ... to help them face each problem in sequence with appropriate, comforting Scripture and spiritual advice." N.O.E.L. News says "This is a book that every minister, NOEL Chapter, Point Person and pro-lifer should have extra copies of to give when a friend or parishioner shares the news that their teenager is pregnant." At The Center magazine says "This would make a valuable addition to your center's resources." (Volume 4, Number 1, Winter 2003) Now Available: Group Leader's Guide showing how to use this book in an 8-week peer discussion and support group.

Hearing The Shocking News -- 15
The Importance Of First Words -- 25
Supporting My Daughter As She Makes Decisions -- 33
First Steps To Be Taken -- 39
The Pregnancy Resource Center -- 43
The Doctor Appointment -- 47
Where Will We Be In A Year? -- 51
Restoring Sexual Integrity -- 57
Completing School -- 61
Trying To Hide -- 65
How Will My Church Respond? -- 69
Where Is God In All of This? -- 73
Talking With My Husband -- 77
Who Is The Pregnant Single Mother? -- 81
What Is My Daughter Feeling? -- 87
Where Does The Baby's Father Belong In All This? -- 91
Forgiving The Baby�s Father -- 98
Forgiving The Young Man�s Parents -- 103

Sharing With Family And Friends -- 107
Forgiving Myself -- 113
Forgiving My Daughter -- 117
Forgiving Unkind Acquaintances -- 121
Beauty From Ashes -- 123
Should They Marry? -- 127
Teen Marriage Success -- 133
The Importance Of A Father -- 137
Should She Parent Alone? -- 139
Should We Adopt The Baby? -- 145
Should She Make An Adoption Plan? -- 149
Our Hope For The Next Five Years -- 153
Childcare Responsibilities -- 155
The Baby Is Born -- 161
Dedication Service -- 167
Single Moms And Church -- 171

Appendix A Parental Authority Over A Minor -- 173
Appendix B Parental Rights Regarding Abortion -- 175
Appendix C Discussion And Decision Checklist -- 181
Appendix D Resources -- 187

A Note To The Reader

You have found yourself in the middle of a crisis: the crisis of your single daughter�s pregnancy. You never expected your family would be involved in a trauma of this magnitude. You are disappointed, angry, and searching for a way out. One often has little time and a limited attention span in the midst of a crisis. I hope God will use this book to bring hope and some practical suggestions for action.

Feel free to read chapters out of order - most of them are not overly dependent on the previous material. If you see a subject in the Table of Contents that seems to speak to your needs for the day, go ahead and read that chapter. You will probably want to make sure that you read every chapter (perhaps simply for your own educational purposes) at some point.

In the difficult days ahead as your daughter progresses in her pregnancy, she will be making decisions about giving birth vs. abortion, parenting vs. adoption, marriage vs. remaining single, continuing school vs. finding a job, and your involvement (as grandparents) in possibly raising your grandchild. There are no problems too big for God. I have found over and over again that if I will take time to listen, God will offer direction and a path out of my problems.

Since 1970, I have been concerned with the issues surrounding unplanned pregnancies. Since 1990, I have been the Executive Director of a Pregnancy Center in the suburbs of Northern Virginia. This opportunity has allowed me to be involved in the lives of pregnant single women, and often I have counseled with their parents.

I will be sharing from the testimonies of parents who have successfully turned the ashes of an unexpected pregnancy into joy and beauty. Pseudonyms are used to protect the identities of their families and some details have been changed.

As the mother of two adult daughters, I have experienced the joy and anxieties that come with raising girls in today�s culture. It is my prayer that as we examine the issues surrounding an unplanned pregnancy the Lord will fulfill the promise in Isaiah 61:1-3,

	The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,
	Because the LORD has anointed me
	To bring good news to the afflicted;
	He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
	To proclaim liberty to captives,
	And freedom to prisoners;
	To proclaim the favorable year of the Lord,
	And the day of vengeance of our God;
	To comfort all who mourn,
	To grant those who mourn in Zion,
	Giving them a garland instead of ashes,
	The oil of gladness instead of mourning,
	A mantle of praise 
		instead of a spirit of fainting.
	So they will be called oaks of righteousness,
	The planting of the Lord,
	That He may be glorified.� (NASB)

Sample Chapter: The Importance of First Words

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he�ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he�ll always be there to help you come through it. 1 Corinthians 10:13 (MES)

Suggested Reading: Matthew 18:15-20 Handling Problems

One of the first thoughts that comes into our minds is "What did I do to deserve this heartbreak?" You may also feel discouragement, guilt, shame, anger, and a need to blame someone. All of these reactions are normal, but none of these reactions is helpful. The first words you say to your daughter will be remembered for a long time. Start the practice of thinking carefully and praying before you speak.

Jean writes, "My first reaction was to say �How dare you! This was not the way that I wanted to become a grandparent!� But God immediately provided a cooling-off period for me so that I didn�t react to that first impulse: the doorbell rang within 30 seconds of my daughter telling me she was pregnant. So I had to put on my �I�m-all-together� mask. When the visitor finally left I was able to take my daughter in my arms and tell her I loved her and that we would get through this together."

You need to assure your daughter you love her. Yes, you are disappointed and hurt, but she is still valued. Cry together, pray, and start making plans to help her and her child.

Families in your church, your neighborhood, and your community are experiencing similar pains. Many pregnancy resource centers (PRCs) offer support groups and counseling for the parents of pregnant teenagers. One of the key ingredients in growing through this crisis experience is joining together with others for support. It might be good to make a list of individuals in your community who have faced a similar problem. If there�s no support group already organized, you could ask your pastor to call no more than eight of these individuals and see if they are willing to meet together to share concerns and resources.

Even if you have always been against abortion, expect Satan to tempt you with the lie that abortion will erase the pregnancy. Parents have confessed to me in abortion recovery classes that they forced their children to abort, thinking the abortion would spare the family pain. Instead they have found they had a dead grandchild and a broken-hearted son or daughter.

There are many reasons that teens get pregnant. Here are a few possibilities that you can discuss with your daughter. To what extent does she feel any of these was a factor in her becoming pregnant?

Young women may be a victim of someone who exploited her innocence (see Appendix A for possible action to take). A 2004 study found that 44% of high school students think that boys at their school often or sometimes "push girls to drink alcohol or take drugs in order to get the girls to have sex or do other sexual things" [2].
Young women could feel that pregnancy will guarantee marriage.
She may want to hold onto a guy.
She may feel unloved by her parents.
She may be angry at her parents and want to punish or hurt them.
She may have had inadequate training in spiritual and moral issues.
She may have a lack of commitment to God and to the moral and spiritual issues she has been taught.
She may want to be accepted by the crowd.
She may have a lack of goals and is drifting.
She may intentionally get pregnant with an "atonement child" to replace a child aborted previously.

Luther McIntyre says, "After our daughter told us she was pregnant, the thing I thought most about was not her mistake, but my own long history of mistakes and failures" [1]. Both parents in today�s chapter recognized they too had sinned and they stood with their daughters as they faced the future. At this stage, Luther McIntyre found it helpful to take a piece of paper and list all of the sins of his daughter. In the next column he made a list of his own sins. This helped him to remember that he too was an individual in need of God�s mercy and helped him recognize how much the Lord had forgiven him.

Notes:
[1] Help for Hurting Parents: Dealing with the Pain of Teen Pregnancy. Luther McIntyre. Good Life Publishing, 1997. Page 3. This personal and true story is out of print. Other, similar, books that you might find encouraging include "I�m Pregnant, Now What?" (2004) by Ruth Graham and Sara Dormon; and "Mom, Dad... I�m Pregnant" (2004) by Jayne Schooler.
[2] "National Survey of American Attitudes on Substance Abuse IX: Teen Dating Practices and Sexual Activity". The National Center on Addiction and Subtance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University. www.casacolumbia.org

Note that "PRC" is used throughout the book to stand for "Pregnancy Resource Center". Other typical names for this type of ministry to pregnant women and their families are "Crisis Pregnancy Center" (CPC), "Pregnancy Help Center" (PHC) and "Pregnancy Care Center" (PCC).

Prayer:
I thank you, Lord, for the testimonies of many parents who have wept when given the news of their daughter�s unexpected pregnancy but later rejoiced at your solution to their pain. Heavenly Father, calm my heart and help me to take one day at a time as my daughter and I seek to find your will step by step.

To Do:

Call 1-800-395-HELP to find your closest CareNet or Heartbeat PRC. Write the phone number of that PRC here:

Call your pastor or other mature Christian friend and ask for prayer. Write the name of the person you will call, and afterwards record any comments or phrases from the conversation that were encouraging to you.

Write out some items for each of these lists:

My sins this month     			 My daughter�s sins this month

What makes me sad/mad about my daughter�s pregnancy:

	Sad					Mad

The following list will take days, weeks, and months to grow. During the weeks ahead, re-read this list from time to time and see if there are additional items you can record. What makes me thankful in this situation (e.g., she told us of the pregnancy instead of getting a secret abortion):

Do you remember any hurtful conversations with your parents when you were young? What did they say that hurt you?

Do you remember any encouraging conversations with your parents when you were young? What did they say that helped you?

What were the first things you said to your daughter when you discovered she was pregnant?

Do you need to apologize to her and ask for forgiveness?

If you could go back in time and have that first conversation again, what would you like to say (instead of what you actually said)?

What words would be an encouragement to your daughter now?

Tape a picture of your family or daughter on this page. Every time you see this picture, think of times of happiness and blessing while you pray for each family member.

Contracts

If your minor pregnant daughter is living in your house with you, talk about the following issues. Decide in advance on any consequences for failure to meet the rules you set out. Be sure to decide in advance which rules (if any) will result in expulsion from the home if broken (e.g., doing drugs). You might even want to write up a "contract" so that your expectations are in writing and are clear to all parties.

Her Privileges

Use of television: Specify number of hours? Specify which shows are allowed? Where will the TV be located?
Use of telephone and/or cell phone: Specify number of hours? Will she have her own line? Will she have a phone in her own room or not? Who will pay for usage charges?
Use of internet: Specify number of hours? Specify activities allowed (email only? chat rooms? instant messaging? web surfing? online gaming?)? Where will the computer be located?
Use of car: Who will pay for insurance? Who will pay for gas? Who will pay for maintenance, taxes, and licenses?
Visitors to the house: Who is allowed to visit? What hours are visitors allowed? What rooms are available/prohibited for visitors?

Her Responsibilities for Her Health

Attend all doctor appointments as scheduled
Follow doctor's orders and recommendations (diet, exercise, medicine, etc.)
Attend childbirth preparation classes
Attend counseling appointments
Abstain from sexual activity
Abstain from smoking, drugs, and alcohol
Specify expected hours for sleeping and arising

Her Responsibilities in the House

Keep her room clean and orderly (specify exactly what chores are involved and their frequency)
Help set and clear the dining table
Help with grocery shopping
Help with meal preparation
Help with dish washing
Help with house cleaning
Help with laundry or do all of her own laundry only
Keep her bathroom clean (specify exactly what chores are involved and their frequency)

Her Responsibilities at School

Attend classes as scheduled
Complete homework before other activities such as watching TV or being on the internet

Her Responsibilities at Work

Attend her job promptly as scheduled

Her Spiritual Responsibilities

Attend church at least once weekly

Appendix C: Teen Pregnancy Discussion and Decision Checklist

When a teen or college student is pregnant, there are a lot of issues to talk about and think about. This checklist is an outline of the foundational issues.

You might choose to write out your thoughts for each item, and have the pregnant woman write out her thoughts, and then compare notes. During the "comparing notes" session, you might choose to have a neutral party available to provide feedback and promote a fair discussion.

Try to explain your reasoning behind the opinions you develop for each topic below.

Housing Options During Pregnancy

Marry and live with spouse
Live at home with parents
Maternity home
Live with a friend or relative (Which person?)
Live alone

Education Options

Finish at current school
Go to school at night
Attend a "Special Needs" or "Alternative" school
Homeschool or private tutoring
Enroll in an online or internet school

Legal Issues

Contact Adoption Lawyer or Adoption Agency
Learn about Parental Rights and Obligations for the pregnant woman
Learn about Parental Rights and Obligations for the father of the child

Medical Issues

Put/keep minor pregnant woman on parent's health plan
Apply for Medicaid
Check into health history of father of the child
Check into the fee schedule for prenatal care and delivery through local hospital or other facility