Janelle, birthmother

This is the true story of a real person, brought to you by the National Council For Adoption.

I had just turned 18 when I found out I was pregnant. Although I was young and it was unexpected, I felt an unbelievable amount of love for my unborn child. My parents pushed for adoption, especially since I was adopted myself, but I dismissed the idea because of the overwhelming connection I felt with the child inside of me. I made the decision to parent my child, even though I knew that the father wasn’t going to stick around.

In July of 1996, my son was born. He was everything I had envisioned him to be. He was my pride and joy. Then reality set in: I was responsible for giving this little human being the best life possible, and I had to do this as a single parent. I started to think about all of the things I had growing up with two parents – things he would not have. I wanted to go to college and better myself for him, but that would mean limiting the activities that he could participate in as well as limiting our time together. To raise him by myself meant that he would not have a dad to show up at his Little League game to watch him and cheer him on. All of these thoughts made me cry daily.

One day, when my son was about three months old, I broke down in front of him. He looked up at me and just smiled and giggled out loud. I will never forget that little face smiling up at me. I knew then and there that he deserved a better life. He deserved the life that my biological mother so selflessly gave me when she placed me for adoption.

Now, more than ten years later, I look back and smile at all of the happy memories that I hold. I think of the indescribable joy on the faces of his adoptive parents when they realized they finally had a child. I hold close to my heart the pictures and stories they have shared with me over the years. I remember, most of all, the unsurpassable amount of love that I felt for my son – a love I still feel – that led me to choose adoption.

--Janelle

You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should She Make an Adoption Plan?", "Should We Adopt the Baby?", "Should They Marry?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

November is National Adoption Month. Take time to research adoption with your pregnant daughter, along with single parenting and marriage. Then, no matter which of these roads she chooses, she can feel confident that the decision was made with care and thought instead of off-handedly. When things are tough in the future (because life can be hard no matter what we choose), she can remind herself that she actively chose her road instead of saying "I wish I had considered ______."

Summary of State Adoption Laws

Click for a summary of state adoption laws compiled by the Infant Adoption Awareness Training Project in an effort to provide useful information. These brief summaries include answers to the following questions:

1. Who may adopt?
2. Who may place a child for adoption?
3. Is birthparent counseling required?
4. May birthparents receive assistance with expenses?
5. How are putative father rights addressed?
6. When may the birthparent(s) relinquish custody and consent to adoption?
7. How much time does a birthparent have to change his or her mind after consenting to the termination of parental rights?



You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should She Make an Adoption Plan?", "Should We Adopt the Baby?", "Should They Marry?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

November is National Adoption Month. Take time to research adoption with your pregnant daughter, along with single parenting and marriage. Then, no matter which of these roads she chooses, she can feel confident that the decision was made with care and thought instead of off-handedly. When things are tough in the future (because life can be hard no matter what we choose), she can remind herself that she actively chose her road instead of saying "I wish I had considered ______."

Julia Thornton, birthmother

This is the true story of a real person, brought to you by the National Council For Adoption.

Driving home from school one afternoon my birthdaughter turned to her mother and said, “Mom, if Julie gets married, do you think she’ll have me in her wedding?” Her mom smiled and said, “I don’t know. We’ll have to ask her.” Her mom later shared the conversation with me and we had a good laugh. Joking about my single status, I said my birthdaughter shouldn’t hold her breath, to which her mother replied, “It will happen one day, Jewel.”

When I chose to place my daughter into the loving arms of her parents, I knew she was going to a wonderful family who could give her the life I knew she deserved. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was gaining the friendship and love that her parents have never failed to show me. They have so generously shared their daughter’s life with me through pictures and regular phone calls. They have treated me with respect, and have given me a great sense of peace about having placed my daughter for adoption. They have never perceived me as a threat to their family, but rather an extension of it.

Placing a child is an incredibly difficult sacrifice. The immediate pain of separation is significant. But when a woman is called to place for adoption, the process is nothing short of sacred. To choose a family and entrust them with the care of your child takes a tremendous amount of faith: faith in yourself that you have made the right decision for your child and yourself; faith that the family who has come into your life will treat their responsibility with the utmost reverence; and faith that the hurt will subside and will one day be replaced with joy.

Many women I’ve counseled during their unplanned pregnancies have told me they could never “give their baby away.” Their language choice is unfortunate, but I understand their feelings. To a woman carrying a child to term, the idea of adoption can seem anathematic, especially when it is not what they desire. Sadly, many women throughout history have been pressured to relinquish their children against their will, suffering an injustice no human being should ever experience.

But when a woman freely chooses adoption as the best option for her, it can be an extraordinarily positive, life-affirming decision. Adoption is not an act of abandonment; it’s not a form of rejection; and it’s certainly not for lack of love. It comes from love, a force unlike any other, and it is pure.

When I discovered I was pregnant, there was pressure to get an abortion and certain circumstances made parenting an unlikely option. Fortunately, I was raised in a family that viewed adoption positively. There was no stigma or shame in making an adoption plan, and without that reinforcement, I might not have made the choice I made. Although the path has been difficult, I wouldn’t change a thing about my decision. I could not have found better parents for my birthdaughter, and I learned a lot about life and love in the process. And, most importantly, I gained the joy of knowing that there’s a little girl in the world who occasionally drives around daydreaming about my wedding day.

--Julia

You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should She Make an Adoption Plan?", "Should We Adopt the Baby?", "Should They Marry?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

November is National Adoption Month. Take time to research adoption with your pregnant daughter, along with single parenting and marriage. Then, no matter which of these roads she chooses, she can feel confident that the decision was made with care and thought instead of off-handedly. When things are tough in the future (because life can be hard no matter what we choose), she can remind herself that she actively chose her road instead of saying "I wish I had considered ______."

Eight Myths About Adoption

Bethany.org has a short article that briefly talks about eight myths about adoption:

Myth: If I loved my child, I would never consider adoption.
If you consider adoption, you may think it means you are uncaring, selfish, or don't love your child. Maybe you're afraid that other people will judge you. Mothers who explore all of their options and those who make adoption plans have the courage to put their child's needs first and to consider what plan (parenting or adoption) best meets their needs.

Myth: No one could love my child like I can.
Good parenting is a matter of unconditional love, acceptance, and the consistent nurturing that puts the needs of the child first. Adoptive parents love their children as much as if they had given birth to them. Because you can choose and meet the adoptive family for your child, you can see firsthand how much they love your child.

Myth: People will think that I'm not taking responsibility for my actions.
You may think that choosing to parent is the responsible thing to do or the consequence for your unplanned pregnancy. If you're not sure that you are ready to parent, finding out what your options are and considering an adoption plan is being a responsible parent.

Myth: People think I should just move on and forget about my child.
If you make an adoption plan, you will not forget your child and you wouldn't want to. Your experience with your child becomes a part of who you are, whether you have an open adoption or not.

Myth: I will never know how my child is doing or that I made a good decision.
If you choose adoption, you may think that you'll never know how your child is or that you made the best decision that you could at that time in your life. Today's adoption offers a range of openness options so that you and the family you select build the type of relationship that you want.

Myth: I'll never get over the pain of giving up my child.
You may be frightened by the prospect of the intense sadness that comes with choosing adoption. The loss and grief cannot be denied. The reality is that adoption is full of both loss and possibility. You will never forget your child but, with time and knowing that your child is growing and thriving, your heart will heal.

Myth: A child doesn't really need a father.
Studies show that children benefit from having positive, nurturing parents who can provide both positive male and female role models. Relationships, self-esteem, and achievement can all be positively affected when a child is able to grow up in a loving home where both parents contribute to the child's development.

Myth: Adopted kids have more emotional problems than kids who aren't adopted.
Perhaps you've heard that adopted children have serious problems with drugs, alcohol, personal relationships, and mental illness-beliefs that are not supported by the research. Adopted kids may have additional issues related to identity to work through but, like other kids, most of them handle adolescence successfully, without serious problems.

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You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should She Make an Adoption Plan?", "Should We Adopt the Baby?", "Should They Marry?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

November is National Adoption Month. Take time to research adoption with your pregnant daughter, along with single parenting and marriage. Then, no matter which of these roads she chooses, she can feel confident that the decision was made with care and thought instead of off-handedly. When things are tough in the future (because life can be hard no matter what we choose), she can remind herself that she actively chose her road instead of saying "I wish I had considered ______."

Jessica O’Connor-Petts, birthmother

This is the true story of a real person, brought to you by the National Council For Adoption.

In the summer of 1996, shortly after graduating from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, I went to Atlanta to work at the Summer Olympic Games. In August, I became pregnant. The birthfather and I were not in a serious relationship, and I did not feel we would develop one. I faced two choices: becoming a single parent, or placing my child for adoption.

My first real challenge was telling my parents. I knew that they would be disappointed, but I also knew that I needed their love and support. Upon returning home to Charlotte, I began researching the adoption option through the local chapter of a national faith-based adoption agency. I wanted to have something constructive and positive to offer my parents along with the shocking news.

My parents had raised me to feel a strong sense of personal responsibility, coupled with strength and resilience. To me, adoption had always seemed a natural solution to an unplanned pregnancy, if birthparents were not ready, for whatever reason, to become parents. When I finally worked up the courage to tell my parents that I was pregnant, they were indeed upset, but they also made clear their unconditional love and support for me and for my choice, whether I decided to parent or to place my child for adoption.

Before graduating from college, I had planned to move to Washington, D.C., where I could pursue an interest in public policy and also continue rowing competitively. I saw no reason to change these plans, so I continued my job search and moved to D.C. in October 1996 after accepting a position with a nonprofit organization.

Other young people I met in the city did not know I was pregnant, and it wasn’t something I wanted to share with them. Later they told me they just thought I was a very quiet stay-at-home, since I constantly went to bed early or turned down opportunities to go out at night. It was in many ways a lonely period, despite frequent phone calls to my parents and close friends, but I did feel a sense of peace, knowing that I was taking care of myself and my child and doing the right thing.

My new job meant that I had insurance to cover my prenatal care; however, the combined pressure of starting a new position and not being able to tell my employer that I was pregnant was very stressful, particularly as I was arriving late every morning due to morning sickness. With each month that passed I struggled to hide the physical evidence of pregnancy, wondering when would be the right time to inform my boss, and worrying about what the response would be. Eventually I wrote a letter, informing my employers of my pregnancy and my intent to place my child for adoption. To my relief, they were more than supportive. They also confirmed that I was entitled to the same maternity leave as a woman who planned to parent.

Another worry I had was whether a medical provider would treat me differently, knowing my adoption plan. However, I worked with a fantastic group of midwives who were a crucial part of my support network and became my friends during pregnancy. I developed a birthing plan, which included keeping my child with me for several days after the birth, allowing me to breastfeed my child while giving me and my family a chance to know him or her before we parted. My adoption counselor fully supported me in this plan, despite any doubts she had over whether I would go through with the adoption, because it was an important part of my decision-making process; she knew that if I felt options were being closed to me, I would not feel empowered, and would not feel at peace with my ultimate decision.

Over the fall and winter months I worked with my adoption counselor to make sure I had thought through my decision carefully. She asked me to develop a parenting plan, just in case I changed my mind. I was at first reluctant to do so, not wishing to be dissuaded from my adoption plan, but this proved to be a valuable exercise. As I researched child care, transportation, costs of living, etc. and developed a budget, I saw that I could afford to parent. I was not being pushed financially into placing my child for adoption. However, I also saw how tight that budget would have been; there would have been nothing left over for piano lessons, swimming lessons, vacations, or many of the other valuable experiences which I had growing up and which I wanted my child to have. Most importantly, there would not have been a father truly present in the day-to-day life of my child, and my child would not have the chance to witness a loving adult relationship.

My parents also offered me a third option, letting me know that they could care for my child while I pursued a career, helping me to provide him or her with a loving family. I knew that their offer to take on a parenting role at a time in their life when they had already raised two children was a generous one, which comes only from true love. However, they also understood my concerns about what would happen when I eventually met and married someone, and what that would mean for continuity in the life of my child.

My birthson was born on May 15, 1997. My mother came to D.C. for the birth, and we subsequently traveled to Charlotte, where I spent the next two weeks with my parents, my little sister, and my birthson. This time was special to all of us because we were able to take him out to meet family and friends, and to acknowledge and celebrate him. When he was two weeks old I went back to work in D.C. and my mother came with me, caring for him during the day and bringing him to my office at lunchtimes.

The adoption placement ceremony took place when my birthson was four weeks old. I remember crying during the ride to the ceremony in the back seat of my parents’ car, and I remember my parents’ anguish at seeing my pain. I also remember the smiles on everyone’s faces as we watched him sleep peacefully in his new mother’s arms.

During the days and weeks that followed I experienced peace, punctuated by periods of intense pain. I missed my birthson’s smell and his little toenails scratching me in bed and his wide-eyed expressions. I felt guilty for having deprived my parents of their first grandchild, even though I knew they fully supported my adoption decision. I also struggled with depression later on when I was confronted with the sense that my activities and pursuits, which had seemed so valuable to me before I became pregnant, now paled in comparison with the joy and satisfaction of raising a child. I would see other young mothers with children the same age as mine and wonder what my life would be like in their shoes.

But as the years have passed and my life has followed its own full course, my family’s relationship with my birthson and his family has blossomed, and my confidence that I made the right choice has never wavered. When I speak with him and hear the excitement in his voice as he relays his latest accomplishments in swimming, or Odyssey of the Mind, or county choral society auditions, I know that he has a wonderful life. When I speak with his parents and hear the warmth and honesty of friendship in their voices as they describe their summer family vacation, I am grateful to have found such perfect parents for my birthson. When I see him and his little sister, also adopted, bounding around together in their living room while their parents watch amused, I am reminded of the joy that is adoption.

When I married in 2003, my birthson was our ringbearer, his little sister our flowergirl, and both his parents were presenters. My husband and I are now expecting a baby, and my 10-year-old birthson and his family are sharing our joy and looking forward to welcoming another child into this growing family.

Adoption has enabled me to provide a wonderful life for my son while giving me the opportunities to pursue my own aspirations, and I will always feel that my own life has been made richer through choosing adoption.
--Jessica

You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should She Make an Adoption Plan?", "Should We Adopt the Baby?", "Should They Marry?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

November is National Adoption Month. Take time to research adoption with your pregnant daughter, along with single parenting and marriage. Then, no matter which of these roads she chooses, she can feel confident that the decision was made with care and thought instead of off-handedly. When things are tough in the future (because life can be hard no matter what we choose), she can remind herself that she actively chose her road instead of saying "I wish I had considered ______."

Your Adoption Rights

Bethany.org, one of many adoption agencies, lists these Rights of Expectant Parents

In the past, many expectant parents have not chosen adoption because they have little control or influence on what the future will hold for their child. In today's adoptions, an expectant parent plays the central role in deciding on what type of an adoption plan is best for her and her child while being cared for throughout the adoption planning process. As an expectant parent considering an adoption plan, you have the right to:

1. Be treated with dignity and respect, not judgment or criticism.
2. Explore all of your options in a non-directive, non-coercive environment, including parenting and all levels of openness in adoption.
3. Be fully informed about your legal rights during the decision-making stage.
4. Choose the prospective adoptive family if this is what you want to do. (Almost all, if not all, states allow this).
5. Develop an adoption plan with your social worker and the adoptive family.
6. Spend time in the hospital with your baby.
7. Make the decision about adoption after the birth of the baby. Planning for adoption does not make it a definite decision and an adoption plan does not become definite until you sign legal papers releasing your rights.
8. Sign relinquishment (consent or release) papers when you are ready.
9. Have your questions answered honestly and completely, at any stage.
10. Have your relationship with your child acknowledged and your grief and loss recognized.
11. Change agencies or attorneys if you feel that your rights are not being respected.
12. Receive post -placement support.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should She Make an Adoption Plan?", "Should We Adopt the Baby?", "Should They Marry?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

November is National Adoption Month. Take time to research adoption with your pregnant daughter, along with single parenting and marriage. Then, no matter which of these roads she chooses, she can feel confident that the decision was made with care and thought instead of off-handedly. When things are tough in the future (because life can be hard no matter what we choose), she can remind herself that she actively chose her road instead of saying "I wish I had considered ______."

Courtney Lewis, birthmother

This is a true story of a real person, brought to you by the National Council for Adoption.

Finding out I was pregnant my senior year of high school was devastating. I did not want to believe it – it took three positive pregnancy tests to convince me that I was really pregnant. I had planned to go away to college in the fall, and I knew that having a baby would change everything.

First I told my boyfriend. He became very distant and cold. He asked whose child it was, and who else I had been with. It was obvious to me that he was not going to allow himself to believe that I was pregnant with his child. It was then that I realized we were no longer a couple, and he was not going to be a part of our child’s life.

Without the support of my baby’s father, and knowing that my divorced parents were not in a position to help me, I considered my options. I thought parenting my child would mean I had to throw away my dreams of going to college, and felt I was in no position to provide the kind of family and stability my child would need.

I considered abortion, because I thought it would allow me to continue on with my life as I had planned. I also considered adoption. Then I had a scary fall down a flight of stairs when I was just six weeks along, and my doctor conducted an ultrasound to find out if the baby had been affected by the fall. The monitor showed a blinking light, the baby’s heartbeat. It was then that my thoughts were transformed from “I’m pregnant” to “I’m carrying a child.” The heartbeat made it clear to me, this was life. At that moment, I made my decision to choose life – for myself and for my child. At that moment, I chose adoption.

Being seventeen and pregnant was hard. Four months into my pregnancy my mother remarried, unbeknownst to me and my siblings, and shortly after, she moved across the country to be with her new husband. I still felt that I needed her help, and she was gone. I had no idea what to expect in a pregnancy, how to care for myself and my child, and I knew I couldn’t do it alone. I moved in with my father, who became my rock, supporting me emotionally, helping me reason through difficult decisions, showing me unconditional love.

Going out in public was difficult. The common opinion of pregnant teenagers is not always forgiving. I began attending counseling sessions, both one-on-one and in a support group. Additionally, I had my dad and my younger siblings around, who allowed me to cry and laugh, pulling me through the hard times and praising me for the choice I had made. Without them, I may not have been able to plan for the adoption, and for my life afterwards without my son.
I began my search for the perfect couple to raise my son. Certain criteria were very important to me, certain things I felt were necessary of the adoptive parents. These criteria focused my intentions and helped me to identify an amazing couple. Shortly after reading their “Dear birthmother” letter, I contacted the adoption lawyers to let them know I had found the right couple. It was important for me to build a relationship with the adoptive parents, so that I could gain trust and appreciation for them. I was able to meet them for dinner, where I learned more about them and determined that yes, this was the couple I wanted to raise my son. We continued to talk on the phone throughout the remainder of my pregnancy, and I updated them on the health of the baby and learned more about how they planned to raise him.

At last the day came when I gave birth to my son, and his adoptive parents met me at the hospital. It was a very emotional time for all of us. They were beginning their life as a family, and I began my life as a birthmother.

I said good-bye to them, and to my son, but not for long – my first visit to their home was when my son was six months old, and I returned for another visit a year later. Since then there have been many visits. We keep in touch by letter, email, and phone. I am so grateful to know that he is in good hands and has a life that is so near what I wanted to give him, but couldn’t at the time.
Since the adoption, life has been true to course – with ups and downs. My son and his parents welcomed another son into their family, also through adoption. I was able to obtain my college degree, a career I love, and a life path of which I am proud.

Nothing is easy when you are facing an unplanned pregnancy. A lot of difficult decisions have to be made, no matter which option you choose. But adoption gave me a voice, and showed me that while I may have been too young and inexperienced to parent my child, I was mature enough to make some tough but rewarding decisions regarding his life and his future. I am so grateful for my son, for his parents, and for the lives we all have today.
--Courtney

You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should She Make an Adoption Plan?", "Should We Adopt the Baby?", "Should They Marry?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

November is National Adoption Month. Take time to research adoption with your pregnant daughter, along with single parenting and marriage. Then, no matter which of these roads she chooses, she can feel confident that the decision was made with care and thought instead of off-handedly. When things are tough in the future (because life can be hard no matter what we choose), she can remind herself that she actively chose her road instead of saying "I wish I had considered ______."