Mom is Hurt and Angry

A recent advice column titled "Help! My teen son got his girlfriend pregnant" by By Dr. Gail Saltz, TODAYShow.com contributor, gave a good overall response to the upset parent. The mother of the teen who has fathered a child with his girlfriend is hurt, crying, and angry. She appears to feel that his girlfriend got pregnant intentionally in order to get married. This hurting mother is very clearly in a grief cycle. Dr. Saltz says, "Your feelings are partly a manifestation of dashed hopes and dreams for your [child's] future." This is how parents on both sides of the situation may feel. You are in a grief cycle, but don't allow yourself to get stuck there!

Dr. Saltz continues, "But what’s done is done. There is nothing to be gained by continuing to berate your son or being cool toward his girlfriend. All you will do is drive him further away. ... Expressing your concern about the future is fine, but expressing hurt, anger and disapproval toward your son and his girlfriend will not get you anywhere. If you continue with such an adversarial position, you might end up with a son who hates you and a grandchild you never see." Find a safe friend, a pastor, or a counselor to whom you can vent your hurt, anger, and disapproval. When talking with your pregnant daughter or the baby's father, focus on problem solving and skills training, not on blaming and berating. Dr. Saltz recommends, "You can be kind, supportive and forgiving to your son [or daughter] at the same time you make it clear that he made a bad decision and must now deal with the consequences."

The mother in the advice column has a younger daughter, and she wants to give this younger daughter a very strong message. You may have children that are younger siblings to your pregnant daughter too. Dr. Saltz says, "I do agree with you that it will be important to make it clear to your young daughter why this was a poor choice on her brother's part and the ways this will make life difficult. .... You do not need to ostracize her brother and girlfriend to make this message clear."

"Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: You can do your best in teaching your kids to make better choices, but you can’t control every choice they make. When they make a bad one, it's best to make your disagreement clear, but also to maintain an open door rather than cutting them off." You may find it helpful to read our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single" which has lots of tips on how to cope with this crisis.