Episode 8 - The Secret Life of the American Teenager

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch some of the episodes online here (click the tab called "Full Episode"). Here are a few points from Episode 8, with some items to discuss with your teens.

Amy's grandmother, "Mimsy," arrives and greets Amy in the kitchen. When Amy looks embarrassed by Mimsy mentioning the baby, Mimsy says, "No shame. Not a moment of shame. Not with me, anyway, because I'm so proud of you. You are a wonderful girl! So, you're going to have a baby, so what? Who cares? Life must have wanted another beautiful creature on this planet. Who knows Life's plan? We don't know how this is all going to turn out...whether this is going to be a good thing or a bad thing, so don't worry about it, not a bit!" Talk to your kids about these sentiments. Are they in line with what they wish a response to pregnancy would be? What do you think of these thoughts?

At school, Ricky is talking to Adrian. He says he's been learning about babies. He says he cares about the baby. Adrian counters with, "Or, you just think you should care, so you're acting as if you care." Ricky replies, "What's the difference?" Talk to your kids about the difference. How could they tell if a boy was just pretending to care about them? If your daughter is pregnant, does she think the baby's father really cares about her and the baby or is justing pretending to care?

Next Ricky is talking to Grace and he tells her that Amy is going to her grandmother's house to live. He sneers, "She's running away like a child. It might be a good time to grow up. There are schools for girls like her." If your daughter is pregnant, what does she want to do about finishing school? How does she perceive school programs for pregnant teens? What does she think about the possibility of living with relatives during her pregnancy -- is it running away to do so? Being pregnant does mean that you have to grow up, regardless of what age you are when pregnant. What areas of life do your kids think need to become more adult when someone is pregnant?

At Amy's house, Mimsy has brought Amy a sweater that Amy's mom wore when she told Mimsy she was pregnant herself. Mimsy says she remembers telling Amy's mom (just as she has now told Amy) that "Adoption is not an option. We're a big family. We can take care of this baby. You and George and me and even Ashley. We can take care of the baby!" Amy's mom replies, "Well, mom, I don't know about that. We still have lots of time to think about what's right for Amy and the baby." Mimsy says, "Oh, well we don't need any more time. Amy and I have decided. We don't want adoption. We want to keep the baby." A wonderful benefit of not rushing into an abortion is that you have plenty of time to figure out how to overcome the challenges of parenting and adoption. Acknowledge to yourselves that you can change your mind about adoption and parenting many times during the pregnancy, and even for some period of time after the baby is born. But the fact that there is time to think doesn't mean you should wait until the last minute to become educated about both adoption and parenting. One teen we worked with had put this self-education off for later but she suddenly went into labor and gave birth nearly 2.5 months early. Amidst the scary birth of the premature baby, she wasn't prepared to make decisions about parenting and adoption because she assumed she had plenty of time to think about them "tomorrow." So start the process of learning and decision making as soon as possible. Talk to your kids about Mimsy's reaction that they whole family would help take care of the baby and thus adoption shouldn't be chosen. What does your whole family think about your daughter's pregnancy? What does each of them wish she would choose? Are they truely willing to help with middle of the night feedings? or babysitting while your daughter is in school? If your family is not available or not able to help with raising the baby, does that encourage you to examine adoption more closely?

Amy says that she wants to keep the baby, and "Mimsy agrees that Ben and I should get married, and possibly go on a honeymoon to Paris... a little wedding gift from Mimsy." Amy's mom is stunned and points out that Mimsy hasn't even met Ben and that they are both just 15 years old. Mimsy says, "Who cares how old they are?" This topic of teen marriage has come up in several episodes, so see our other posts about this show to find discussion questions about marriage. In this post, let's talk about weddings and honeymoons. What are your kid's dreams about their eventual wedding? Have them do research on the cost of their dream wedding. How would your family pay for it? Then have your kids develop ideas for a wedding that would be nice but the budget would be something that is easily affordable instead of needing a second mortgage or huge loan. We have worked with several women who had weddings that were so expensive that the loan wasn't even paid off when the couple divorced a few years later, in part due to the economic stresses they were unable to handle. Next talk about their dream honeymoon, and a honeymoon that would be nice but more affordable. If your daughter is pregnant, would it make more economic sense to save up for a five-year wedding anniversary trip instead of an extravagant wedding and honeymoon?

In the show, we start to see that maybe Mimsy is suffering from Alzheimer's, because she pulls out the silverware drawer and says the baby can stay in there for the first year or two, and then they can find something bigger like a dresser drawer. Later in the show, we learn that Mimsy has already moved into an assisted living facility and she will be touring Europe for a few months while she still can. Families often face stresses from multiple directions, just like this show. As a parent, you may have to cope with the stress of a pregnant single daughter at the same time as the stress of your own parent with failing health. Make sure that you too get any support or grief counseling you need to help you cope with all parts of your life as a parent.

At Grace's house, Ricky and Grace's brother have a talk because Grace's brother was adopted into Grace's family because his mother died. Ricky had told Grace earlier that he wasn't sure about adoption for his child because he didn't know what adoption was like. While you and your daughter are educating yourselves about adoption in order to cover all the bases, see if you can talk to a person who was adopted into a family. Make up a list of questions to ask them, including the things you are afraid of. For example, are you afraid the adopted person feels rejected by their first mother? Don't let myths and misconceptions rule your mind as you learn about all of your options regarding the baby.

Amy & Madison are talking about how they both wanted someone to desire them, even though they knew that Ricky was a horrible person. Lauren and Madison both admit they feel desparate to get a boyfriend. Talk to your kids about this natural longing to belong and to be loved. Ask them to describe how they feel. What do they imagine a perfect loving relationship would be like? What do they think the realities of relationships are like? Ask them to brainstorm all the different paths their longing for love could lead them down. Some of these paths may end up in a good place, and others will not. Ask them to describe the differences between infatuation, lust, and real love. There are lots of books that talk about these emotions..perhaps you could discuss one with your teens.

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy also has a discussion guide for episode 8 (pdf).

Recent adoption statistics

The CDC National Center for Health Statistics recently released statistics about adoption, Adoption Experiences of Women and Men and Demand for Children to Adopt by Women 18-44 Years of Age in the United States (PDF), 2002. Series 23, Number 27.

One-third of all women 18–44 years of age had ever considered adopting a child. Of these, about one of seven had taken steps to adopt.

Women who had ever taken steps to adopt were more likely to be 30–44 years of age, to be currently married, to have used infertility services, and to be surgically sterile or with impaired fertility.

Overall, 1.6% of all women and 2.0% of ever-married women 18–44 years of age were currently seeking to adopt a child. Of these, approximately two-thirds were currently taking steps to adopt.

Higher percentages of Hispanic women and non-Hispanic black women were currently seeking to adopt a child compared with non-Hispanic white women.

Nearly 1 million women were seeking to adopt children in 2002, whereas the domestic supply of infants relinquished at birth or within the first month of life and available to be adopted had become virtually nonexistent.

Talk with your pregnant daughter about adoption in general. Is she interested in her child being adopted by someone in the family, or by a non-related family she chooses? If she is interested in learning more about this possibility, get education from a pregnancy help center or an adoption professional.

The Effects of Teen Pregnancy

The Campaign for Our Children has a fact sheet called "The Effects of Teen Pregnancy" which lists the following statistics. Talk to your kids about these.

The Effects of Teen Pregnancy

50% of adolescents who have a baby become pregnant again within two years of the baby’s birth. We posted about this topic just the other day: "A Second (or Third) Teen Pregnancy". Talk to your kids about choosing sexual integrity.

Only 41% of teenage mothers complete high school, making it less likely for teen mothers to have the skills necessary to qualify for a well-paying job. Help your pregnant daughter finish school and get job skills. Help your daughter identify some goals for education and job training. With your pregnant daughter, research adoption to see if this option would benefit your daughter and her child.

Almost 50% of all teen mothers and more than 75% of unmarried teen mothers begin receiving welfare within five years of the birth of their first child. Help your daughter find other community resources that can help too. With your pregnant daughter, research adoption to see if this option would benefit your daughter and her child.

Nearly 80% of fathers of children born to teen mothers do not marry the mothers. How is the relationship between your pregnant daughter and the baby's father? Does your daughter hope to marry him, or has he disappeared? What challenges will your daughter face if she chooses to be a single mother? How could your whole family help her with these challenges? Is adoption an option that would be beneficial to your daughter and her child?

Teen fathers pay less than $800 in child support. With your pregnant daughter, figure our how much money she will need each month to support herself and her child. How much support will your family be able to help her with?

Children born to teen mothers are more likely to have low birth weight and related problems such as infant death, blindness, and mental retardation. Make sure your pregnant teen gets medical care right away. Your pregnant teen also needs proper nutrition for herself and her child.

Children of teen parents often receive inadequate parenting, are subject to abuse and neglect, and often have insufficient health care. Help your pregnant daughter start learning about parenting skills. Also research with your daughter to see if adoption would be an appropriate solution to this area of challenge for her.

Children of teen parents are 50% more likely to repeat a grade, perform poorly on standardized tests, and ultimately less likely to complete high school. If your daughter plans to parent her child, how can your family and other community resources help her child overcome this education challenge? Also research with your daughter to see if adoption would be an appropriate solution to this area of challenge for her.

Sources:
1. National Vital Statistics, Vol. 50, No. 50, 2002
2. National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy (2002). Not Just Another Single Issue, Washington, DC.
3. Maynard, R.A. (1996). Kids having kids: A Robin Hood Foundation special report on the costs of adolescent childbearing. New York, Robin Hood Foundation.

How Much Should Parents Help Pregnant Daughter?

We love feedback, and today's post topic is from our readers: "How much should parents help their pregnant single daughter?"

We've received this question is various forms. Other ways this has been phrased is "How does a mom support her pregnant daughter?" "Should parents pay for college when daughter is pregnant?" Keywords we've seen on our statistics include phrases like "helping your pregnant daughter."

The answers to questions like these are very dependent on your specific situation! But we do have some general suggestions.

First, get counseling for yourself and your daughter from your local pregnancy resource center. You can get a referral to your closest one by contacting OptionLine (800-395-HELP). OptionLine can help you with some basic counseling on the phone or over the internet (email, instant message), but their job is mostly to help you find a local pregnancy help center. Your local pregnancy help center can help educate you and your daughter on all the pros and cons of all your options, and help point you towards local aid programs for health care and other services. Pregnancy centers also usually offer emotional support to you and your family as you process your situation. You may also find our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Christian Pregnant Single" useful; it discusses many of the decisions you and your daughter are facing.

I know you may be feeling hurt, angry, surprised, shocked, and other negative feelings about your daughter's pregnancy outside marriage. This is a normal reaction to a crisis, and is part of the grief cycle that you have been thrust into. If you are a Christian, then you know that your daughter has sinned sexually (if she willingly participated) and you may be feeling like she needs punishment for this action. However, withdrawing help is not going to be helpful and can make the situation much worse. If you feel you need to explain to your daughter that your help is not a reward for her behavior or an acceptance of her behavior, that may be appropriate. Your daughter is carrying your innocent grandchild, who is completely dependent on your daughter for a healthy start to life. Your grandchild, via your daughter, needs at the very minimum safe housing, good nutrition, and regular medical care.

Beyond the minimums of safe housing, good nutrition, and medical care, what level of help is appropriate without enabling further choices that you don't approve of? This is again where counsel from a pregnancy help center is useful. As an outside third party, they can help you negotiate how you will help your daughter and what actions she must take in response.

Hopefully one of your goals is that your daughter be aimed at independence at some point in the future. Independence is going to be greatly improved by your daughter having a job that pays enough money for her to support your grandchild and herself. Your daughter's best bet at being able to have a job that pays enough is for her to have an education or job training. So, should you pay for all of her college expenses? This is a personal decision that you should all discuss with outside counselors. It may be that you need to make changes to the current situation (have your daughter transfer to an in-state college or community college, for example) so that expenses are reduced. You may even need to explore ways that your daughter could graduate sooner. While education is in the best interests of your daughter and your grandchild for the long term, you may need to be creative about how that education is achieved.

Another crucial area where you should help your pregnant daughter is in exploring her options. Help her research the realities of abortion, single parenting, marrying the baby's father, you raising her child, or choosing a family to raise her child in adoption. No option should be chosen casually, but instead with much research, thinking, talking, and praying. Your daughter most likely has opinions about these options. You probably do too. Spend a lot of time talking about these thoughts. Make pro/con lists. Read books. Talk to counselors and to people who have chosen each of these options. Talk to women who have aborted a child. Talk to single moms. Talk to moms who have chosen a family to raise their child in adoption. Talk to people that were adopted. Talk to moms who married the baby's father during/after pregnancy. Talk to parents who are raising their grandchild. None of the paths before your daughter is easy, they each have ups and downs.

Challenges of poverty

In a report called "America's Children in Brief: Key National Indicators of Well-Being, 2008" there are some recent statistics that highlight the challenges your single parent daughter may need help with. In a previous post, we noted the statistics that more and more women are choosing to be single parents. As you see below, many single parents live in poverty. So if your daughter is a single mother, know that you are not alone in the challenges you face!

Economic Circumstances
In 2006, children living in families with a female head with no husband present (female-householder families) continued to experience a higher poverty rate (42 percent) than children living in married-couple families (8 percent). If your single parent daughter and her child live below the poverty line, your grandchild is exposed to the possibility of several other challenges: education, health care, and housing. Will every single parent face these challenges? No. Will every family living below the poverty line face these challenges? No. But if your daughter is a single parent, these are possible additional challenges.

Children's Education Challenges
Children in families with incomes of 200 percent or more of the poverty threshold were more likely to be read to daily by a family member (65 percent) than were children in families with incomes 100–199 percent of the poverty threshold (60 percent) or those in families with incomes below the poverty threshold (50 percent) in 2005.

Dental Health Challenges
Good oral health requires professional dental care as well as routine personal care. The American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry recommends regular dental visits beginning at 1 year of age. Among children living in families with incomes less than 200 percent of the poverty threshold, 68 percent had a dental visit in the past year, compared with 82 percent of children in families with incomes of 200 percent or more of the poverty threshold.

Housing challenges
Inadequate, crowded, or costly housing can pose serious problems to children's physical, psychological, and material well-being. In 2005, 40 percent of U.S. households (both owners and renters) with children had one or more of three housing problems: physically inadequate housing, crowded housing, or a housing-cost burden of more than 30 percent of household income. Cost burdens have driven significant increases in the incidence of problems since 2003, when 37 percent of households had one or more of these housing problems, as well as over the long term. Severe cost burdens—housing costs exceeding 50 percent of income—are especially prevalent among the lowest-income renters, affecting 45 percent of very-low-income renters with children in 2005.

Talk with your teens about these statistics. If your teen daughter is pregnant, brainstorm with her about ways your family can address these possible challenges should they arise. In what ways do these possible challenges affect your pregnant teen's thinking about single parenting and her thinking about adoption? Does your community or church offer a support group for single parents? Does your community have a pregnancy resource center that offers support to single parents? Are there any housing options that your daughter's family could safely share with another single parent's family in order to reduce expenses? Does your single parent daughter have any interest in marrying? What could your family do to read to the children every single day? Brainstorm ideas for getting dental care for your daughter's children.

Secrets

By blogging about alternative living arrangements such as maternity homes, and about adoption, we've touched painful places in people's lives. A Christian pregnant single faces difficult decisions no matter what she chooses: being a single mother can be difficult (see here, here, here, and here for example to see what challenges the single mother and child will need to solve), being married can be difficult (what relationship on earth does NOT have its ups and downs??), having an abortion can be difficult (see here, here and here), and making an adoption plan can be difficult. There are no easy paths, and these decisions affect not only the future physical, emotional and spiritual health of the woman and her child but also the baby's father, her family and the family of the baby's father. No decision should be made casually or quickly..they all require research, prayer, Godly input from outside sources, and time to think the decision over carefully.

Here are bits of the emails we got recently that we'd like to respond to.

As a Christian myself I was always raised with the belief that children were blessings from God. Certainly it was considered a sin to have sex outside of marriage, but that child was not the sin, simply the mother's actions. Certainly I'm not an adovcate of running around getting pregnant without being married, however it concerns me that you are encouraging parents (of WOMEN 25 and under...well above the legal minor age of 18), to continue to judge their daughters if they get pregnant.

We absolutely agree that children are a blessing from God. Psalm 127:3 is very clear about children, "Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him." Psalm 139 also discusses the wonder of children: "13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. 14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous – and how well I know it. 15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. 16 You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. " (NLT)

In this previous post (and this one, among others) we also agree that we should not love the sin, but should love the sinner. With social researchers and commentators saying that adolesence now persists into the mid 20s or even 30s (here and here, for example), with more and more college graduates (up to 50%) moving back in with their parents, with age 25 being the average age of marriage for women in America currently, parents of both teens and 20-somethings may find themselves with a pregnant single under their roof. Should these Christian parents be judging their daughters? (Matthew 7:1, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged." and Luke 6:37, "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.") So no, judging is not appropriate as Christians. But parents do have to evaluate actions and consequences as with any other situation (Proverbs 10:17; Hebrews 12:7-8; Hebrews 12:11; Revelation 3:19; and others). Christian families with pregnant singles do exist and some of them do desire advice from a Christian perspective. These are the families we're attempting to reach out to.

It seems as if your blog is promoting shame and secrecy, much like eras past where women were sent to maternity homes to hide their unwed pregnancies.

We definitely do not want to promote secrecy! Consider, though, that there are many reasons for a pregnant woman to live at a maternity home besides secrecy! Sometimes the pregnant woman is homeless for various reasons. Sometimes she needs to escape from damaging relationships. Sometimes she desires the in-depth counseling, education classes and skill building classes that many maternity homes offer. Sometimes she wants to live with other pregnant women so that she doesn't feel alone in her situation. Most maternity homes interview the pregnant woman...if she doesn't want to be there, they probably won't accept her into their program. Most maternity homes have waiting lists of women that actively want to be there and they will not allocate a bed to those who do not want the program they offer. As we mention in our post about maternity homes, "forcing" someone to live there makes many more long-term problems than it may solve short term.

Both the pregnant woman and her parents need to think and pray a lot about any decision about the preborn child where the main motivation is secrecy. In our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy," we talk several times about the fact that secrecy can be very damaging emotionally and spiritually. Two chapters, "Trying to Hide", and "Sharing with Family and Friends" in particular deal with this topic.

Thank you for reading our blog, we welcome your feedback!

Picking An Adoption Organization

If your daughter has decided to make an adoption plan for her child, she has lots of different choices. First, will she work with a licensed adoption agency or directly with adoption lawyers?

Questions to ask the adoption agency or adoption lawyer:

• How many adoptions has the organization facilitated?
• How much choice can the birthmother have when selecting parents? How many waiting couples are currently in their portfolio? (Related question for you to decide: How much choice do you want? Do you have only general criteria, or do you have a long wish list that the waiting couple should match?)
• Can the organization arrange medical care or contribute towards medical bills? If so, how much and for what expenses?
• Can the organization arrange for you to receive monetary assistance for living expenses or school expenses? If so, how much and for what expenses?
• Can the organization arrange or provide counseling before, during and after the adoption?
• Does the organization provide adoption services only in your state, or in every state? (Related question for you to decide: Do you want to select a waiting couple that lives in your state or that may live in a different state?)
• Ask which adoption professional affiliations the organization is a member of.
• What are the adoption-related philosphies that are foundational to the organization? (Is adoption just a business to them? Has anyone on staff been a birthmother? Has anyone on staff been an adoptive parent? Is adoption facilitation based on religious ideals?)

Check up on the organizations that you are interested in. Contact the Better Business Bureau of the state where they are located and see if any complaints have been filed against them. Don't be shy about asking to see proof of licensing or any service review documentation. Ask if there are birthmothers who have worked with that organization that are willing to talk to you (even though these are likely to only be those women who are happy with their services). There are hundreds of adoption agencies and lawyers, so find someone you're really comfortable with!

Our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" has several chapters about different issues surrounding adoption, which you may find helpful: "Should She Parent Alone?", "Should We Adopt The Baby?", "Should She Make An Adoption Plan?"

Fathers Need Training & Support Too

When talking about pregnancy in the teen and college population we often focus solely on the pregnant young mother, neglecting the father. So let's spend this week after Father's Day looking at fathers a little bit, and think and talk about how the baby's father impacts your daughter, her child, and your family.

Mothers are not the only ones who need training in child care skills and parenting skills. Fathers need this education too! Ask the baby's father or the man who is going to be a father figure for the child if they are willing to receive some training. Find fatherhood training classes at your local pregnancy resource center, a local church, or a men's group such as Promise Keepers.

The Dad E-mail is a weekly e-newsletter filled with helpful hints and tips just for dads! It offers relevant ideas for connecting to your children, balancing work and family, handling tough family issues, and more. Ask the father of your daughter's child to sign up for this newsletter. You can sign up for it too, and then discuss the newsletter each week.

The Fatherhood Initiative also has an online brochure with "Ten Ways to be a Better Dad". Read it and discuss it (with your daughter, family, and the baby's father). Here are the main points:

1. Respect your children's mother.
2. Spend time with your children.
3. Earn the right to be heard.
4. Discipline with love.
5. Be a role model.
6. Be a teacher.
7. Eat together as a family.
8. Read to your children.
9. Show affection.
10. Realize that a father's job is never done.

Talk with your daughter about these points:

• Does she feel that the baby's father respects her? What actions and attitudes does she think are involved in 'respect'? What are your thoughts about respect? In what ways does the baby's father respect her and not respect her? Does she respect the baby's father? What changes could each of them make to have/show more respect to each other? If the baby's father will not be involved in raising her child, which man will play this role of demonstrating respect for her in front of her child?
  
• With your daughter, write up a sample schedule for the typical weekday and another schedule for the typical weekend day. This schedule should be a projection for what life will be like after her baby is born, not what life is like right now while she is pregnant. Include sleep, school, work, chores, etc. Try to be as realistic (not optimistic) as possible. When will she schedule time to read to her child? Play with her child? Ask the baby's father to do the same exercise, and compare the schedules. If the baby's father will not be involved in raising her child, which man will spend daily time with her child? What is he willing to commit to on a daily basis to provide a father figure by spending daily time with her child?
• In "earn the right to be heard", the brochure says, "Begin talking with your kids when they are very young so that difficult subjects will be easier to handle as they get older. Take time and listen to their ideas and problems." Discuss with your daughter what it was like in your family when you were a child. Did your parents talk about difficult subjects with you? Did your parents have good listening skills? Now ask your daughter about her impressions of growing up: did you discuss difficult subjects with her when she was young? When have you had good listening skills and less than perfect listening skills? What concrete steps would she like to take so that she is a good parent in these areas? If the baby's father will not be involved in raising her child, which man will be involved in discussing life issues with her child?
  
• There are lots of good parenting books out there which discuss discipline. Discuss with your daughter what the word 'discipline' meant when you were a child in your family. Did your parents discipline you with love? What limits and consequences did your parent set as you grew up? Then discuss what things you did the same as your parents, and what things you tried to do differently from your own parents as your raised your daughter. Ask your daughter what 'discipline' means to her. What does 'discipline with love' mean to her? Talk to her about the ideas you had about discipline before you became a parent, and how becoming a parent changed those ideas. If the baby's father will not be involved in raising her child, which man will be help provide discipline to her child?
  
• Ask your daughter which man is a role model to her of what a man is supposed to be like. Which man is a role model to her of what a father is supposed to be like? What qualities do these men have that she admires and dislikes? What would a fictional perfect man & father be like, in her opinion? When you were growing up yourself, who were your man/father role models? What qualities did they have that you admired and disliked? Discuss the baby's father: what good role model qualities does he currently have? What does he need to improve? Is he willing to make any changes to become a better role model? If the baby's father will not be involved in raising her child, which man will be a role model to her child?
  
• Does your family currently eat together at least once a day? It doesn't have to be dinner..it could be breakfast or lunch too. This is an important time to debrief. What can you all do to make it a habit that the family eats together once a day?
  
• Your daughter may feel like she's too old to be read to by you anymore, but what if you were reading a book about parenting skills, or pregnancy? Or if reading outloud to each other really is out of the question, what if you and she were reading the same book separately? You may not need two copies..just two bookmarks. Or, make sure to stay in sync in your reading, discussing as you go. Keep the book in a common place...the kitchen? dining room? living room? so that you might both see the book regularly. What are your daughter's plans to read to her child? She doesn't have to wait until the child is a toddler to be reading to him/her...she can start even now before the baby is born!
  
• Discuss with your daughter what it was like growing up in your own family in terms of the display of affection. What did your parents do to show affection to you? What did they do to show affection to each other? Ask her what she remembers about how affection was displayed to her as a child. What are her plans for displaying affection to her child? If the baby's father won't be involved in raising her child, which man will display affection to her child? What would she consider an appropriate display from this man, and an inappropriate display from this man?

As you can see, there's a LOT to talk and think about. Both mothers and fathers have a demanding job in raising children. Our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single" has several chapters about the father of your daughter's baby: "Where Does The Baby's Father Belong In All This?", "Forgiving The Baby's Father", "Forgiving The Young Man's Parents", and "The Importance Of A Father." You may find this book helpful as you and your daughter make decisions and plans. If the child's father will not be involved for whatever reason, who in your current family could play this crucial role of father figure? If no one is available or acceptable, spend some time considering an adoption plan where the child would have the advantages of a father as the child grows.

Fathers: More healthy moms, babies, kids

When talking about pregnancy in the teen and college population we often focus solely on the pregnant young mother, neglecting the father. So let's spend this week after Father's Day looking at fathers a little bit, and think and talk about how the baby's father impacts your daughter, her child, and your family.

The National Fatherhood Initiative summarizes the following independent research studies:

Father Factor in Maternal and Infant Health

- Infant mortality rates are 1.8 times higher for infants of unmarried mothers than for married mothers.
Source: Matthews, T.J., Sally C. Curtin, and Marian F. MacDorman. Infant Mortality Statistics from the 1998 Period Linked Birth/Infant Death Data Set. National Vital Statistics Reports, Vol. 48, No. 12. Hyattsville, MD: National Center for Health Statistics, 2000.

- Based on birth and death data for 217,798 children born in Georgia in 1989 and 1990, infants without a father’s name on their birth certificate (17.9 percent of the total) were 2.3 times more likely to die in the first year of life compared to infants with a father’s name on their birth certificate.
Source: Gaudino, Jr., James A., Bill Jenkins, and Foger W. Rochat. “No Fathers’ Names: A Risk Factor for Infant Mortality in the State of Georgia, USA.” Social Science and Medicine 48 (1999): 253-265.

- Unmarried mothers are less likely to obtain prenatal care and more likely to have a low birth-weight baby. Researchers find that these negative effects persist even when they take into account factors, such as parental education, that often distinguish single-parent from two-parent families.
Source: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Public Health Service. Center for Disease Control and Prevention. National Center for Health Statistics. Report to Congress on Out-of-Wedlock Childbearing. Hyattsville, MD (Sept. 1995): 12.

- Expectant fathers can play a powerful as advocates of breastfeeding. Three-fourths of women whose partners attended a breastfeeding promotion class initiated breastfeeding.
Source: Wolfberg, Adam J., et al. “Dads as breastfeeding advocates: results from a randomized controlled trial of an educational intervention.” American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology 191 (September 2004): 708-712.

- Fathers’ knowledge about breastfeeding increases the likelihood that a child will be breastfed. Children who fathers knew more had a 1.76 higher chance of being breastfed at the end of the first month and 1.91 higher chance of receiving maternal milk at the end of the third month.
Source: Susin, Lurie R.O. “Does Parental Breastfeeding Knowledge Increase Breastfeeding Rates?” BIRTH 26 (September 1999): 149-155.

- Twenty-three percent of unmarried mothers in large U.S. cities reported cigarette use during their pregnancy. Seventy-one percent were on Medicare.
Source: McLanahan, Sara. The Fragile Families and Child Well-being Study: Baseline National Report. Table 7. Princeton, NJ: Center for Research on Child Well-being, 2003: 16.

- A study of 2,921 mothers revealed that single mothers were twice as likely as married mothers to experience a bout of depression in the prior year. Single mothers also reported higher levels of stress, fewer contacts with family and friends, less involvement with church or social groups and less overall social support.
Source: Cairney, John and Michael Boyle et al. “Stress, Social Support and Depression in Single and Married Mothers.” Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology 38 (August 2003): 442-449.

- In a longitudinal study of more than 10,000 families, researchers found that toddlers living in stepfamilies and single-parent families were more likely to suffer a burn, have a bad fall, or be scarred from an accident.
Source: O’Connor, T., L. Davies, J. Dunn, J. Golding, ALSPAC Study Team. “Differential Distribution of Children’s Accidents, Injuries and Illnesses across Family Type.” Pediatrics 106 (November 2000): e68.

- A study of 3,400 middle schoolers indicated that not living with both biological parents quadruples the risk of having an affective disorder.
Source: Cuffe, Steven P., Robert E. McKeown, Cheryl L. Addy, and Carol Z. Garrison. “Family Psychosocial Risk Factors in a Longitudinal Epidemiological Study of Adolescents.” Journal of American Academic Child Adolescent Psychiatry 44 (February 2005): 121-129.

- Children who live apart from their fathers are more likely to be diagnosed with asthma and experience an asthma-related emergency even after taking into account demographic and socioeconomic conditions. Unmarried, cohabiting parents and unmarried parents living apart are 1.76 and 2.61 times, respectively, more likely to have their child diagnosed with asthma. Marital disruption after birth is associated with a 6-fold increase in the likelihood a children will require an emergency room visit and 5-fold increase of an asthma-related emergency.
Source: Harknett, Kristin. Children’s Elevated Risk of Asthma in Unmarried Families: Underlying Structural and Behavioral Mechanisms. Working Paper #2005-01-FF. Princeton, NJ: Center for Research on Child Well-being, 2005: 19-27.

Father Factor in Childhood Obesity

- National Longitudinal Survey of Youth found that obese children are more likely to live in father-absent homes than are non-obese children.
Source: National Longitudinal Survey of Youth

- Study that looked at family lifestyle and parent’s Body Mass Index (BMI) over a nine year period found:
- Father’s Body Mass Index (BMI) predicts son’s and daughter’s BMI independent of offspring’s alcohol intake, smoking, physical fitness, and father’s education
- Furthermore, BMI in sons and daughters consistently higher when fathers were overweight or obese
- Physical fitness of daughters negatively related to their father’s obesity
- Obesity of fathers associated with a four-fold increase in the risk of obesity of sons and daughters at age 18
Source: Burke V, Beilin LJ, Dunbar D. “Family lifestyle and parental body mass index as predictors of body mass index in Australian children: a longitudinal study.” Department of Medicine, Royal Perth Hospital, University of Western Australia, and the Western Australian Heart Research Institute; Perth, Australia.

- A fathers’ body mass index (a measurement of the relative composition of fat and muscle mass in the human body) is directly related to a child’s activity level. In a study of 259 toddlers, more active children were more likely to have a father with a lower BMI than less active children.
Source: Finn, Kevin, Neil Johannsen, and Bonny Specker. “Factors associated with physical activity in preschool children.” The Journal of Pediatrics 140 (January 2002): 81-85.

- Study that looked at dietary intake and physical activity of parents and their daughters over a two year period found:
- Daughter’s BMI predicted by father’s diets and father’s enjoyment of physical activity
- As father’s BMI rose, so did their daughter’s BMI
Source: Davison KK, Birch LL. “Child and parent characteristics as predictors of change in girls' body mass index.” Department of Human Development and Family Studies, The Pennsylvania State University, University Park, Pennsylvania 16802, USA.

- Study that looked at the relationship between parent’s total and percentage body fat and daughter’s total body fat over a two and one-half year period found:
- Father’s, not mother’s, total and percentage body fat the best predictor of changes in daughter’s total and percentage body fat.
Source: Figueroa-Colon R, Arani RB, Goran MI, Weinsier RL. “Paternal body fat is a longitudinal predictor of changes in body fat in premenarcheal girls.” Department of Pediatrics, General Clinical Research Center, Medical Statistics Unit, Comprehensive Cancer Center, University of Alabama at Birmingham, USA.

- Two studies that have looked at the determinants of physical activity in obese and non-obese children found:
- Obese children less likely to report that their father’s were physically active than were the children of non-obese children. This determinant not found for mothers.
- Father’s inactivity strong predictor of children’s inactivity.
Source: Trost SG, Kerr LM, Ward DS, Pate RR. “Physical activity and determinants of physical activity in obese and non-obese children. School of Human Movement Studies, The University of Queensland, Brisbane, Queensland 4072, Australia.
Source: Fogelholm M, Nuutinen O, Pasanen M, Myohanen E, Saatela T. “Parent-child relationship of physical activity patterns and obesity.” University of Helsinki, Lahti Research and Training Centre, Finland.

- Children who lived with single mothers were significantly more likely to become obese by a 6-year follow-up, as were black children, children with nonworking parents, children with nonprofessional parents, and children whose mothers did not complete high school.
Source: Strauss RS, Knight J. “Influence of the home environment on the development of obesity in children.” Division of Pediatric Gastroenterology and Nutrition, University of Medicine and Dentistry of New Jersey, Robert Wood Johnson School of Medicine, New Brunswick, New Jersey 08903, USA.

Our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single" has several chapters about the father of your daughter's baby: "Where Does The Baby's Father Belong In All This?", "Forgiving The Baby's Father", "Forgiving The Young Man's Parents", and "The Importance Of A Father." You may find this book helpful as you and your daughter make decisions and plans.

Talk with your daughter about the issues revealed in the statistics above.

• Is she smoking while pregnant? Does she breathe in second-hand smoke? Many studies have shown how damaging this can be to her child. Help her find resources so she can quit smoking immediately. Don't let anyone smoke near her. Help her find a new job if her current one involves working in second hand smoke (such as at a bar or restaurant).
• Has your daughter gotten regular prenatal care? If not, find a way to get her to a doctor. Apply for medicaid; ask your church if they have a benevolence fund to help with medical bills; ask your hospital if they have a low-cost maternity clinic; ask her school if they have any maternity care on campus; look in the phone book to see if there are any charity clinics that could help her; call OptionLine (800-395-HELP) to get the name and phone number of a pregnancy resource center near you, then call them and see if they have any medical services or any referrals for medical help. There are several reputable internet sites that offer pregnancy healthy information so both you and your daughter should do a lot of reading about healthy pregnancy. Pregnancy resource centers may also be able to education your daughter on pregnancy health, delivery, and child care skills.
• Ask your daughter her thoughts about breastfeeding. If she currently does not plan to breastfeed, have her research the benefits of breastfeeding and then also write up a list of the pros and cons of breastfeeding vs. formula. If she chooses to breastfeed, make sure the hospital where she delivers her baby knows this so that they don't start the baby on a formula bottle in the nursery.
• Since single mothers report higher levels of stress, fewer contacts with family and friends, less involvement with church or social groups and less overall social support, what steps can you both take to avoid these problems? Does your church have a single parents support group? How about a new mother's support group, or a MOPS (Mothers Of PreSchoolers) group? What classes or community groups are offered from the hospital or local colleges?
• Talk with your daughter about family healthy histories: what health challenges are more common in your family (obesity, cancer, asthma, allergies, etc.)? What can she do to have a more healthy lifestyle both now and after the baby is born? What support will she need in order to make changes in her health and lifestyle?
  

As you and your daughter talk about an involved father for her child, try to determine who will play this role. It may be the child's father. If the child's father plans to be involved in raising the child, talk to him about these statistics too. What changes could he make now so that he is more healthy? In what areas is he a weaker role model and a stronger role model? What changes could he make to be a better father in the areas where he is currently weaker?

If the child's father will not be involved for whatever reason, who in your current family could play this crucial role? If no one is available or acceptable, spend some time considering an adoption plan where the child would have the advantages of a father as the child grows.

Fathers: Anti-Drugs, and Protectors

When talking about pregnancy in the teen and college population we often focus solely on the pregnant young mother, neglecting the father. So let's spend this week looking at fathers a little bit, and think and talk about how the baby's father impacts your daughter, her child, and your family.

The National Fatherhood Initiative reports the following statistics:

Father Factor in Drug and Alcohol Abuse

- Researchers at Columbia University found that children living in two-parent household with a poor relationship with their father are 68% more likely to smoke, drink, or use drugs compared to all teens in two-parent households. Teens in single mother households are at a 30% higher risk than those in two-parent households.
Source: “Survey Links Teen Drug Use, Relationship With Father.” Alcoholism & Drug Abuse Weekly 6 September 1999: 5.

- In a study of 6,500 children from the ADDHEALTH database, father closeness was negatively correlated with the number of a child’s friends who smoke, drink, and smoke marijuana. Closeness was also correlated with a child’s use of alcohol, cigarettes, and hard drugs and was connected to family structure. Intact families ranked higher on father closeness than single-parent families.
Source: National Fatherhood Initiative. “Family Structure, Father Closeness, & Drug Abuse.” Gaithersburg, MD: National Fatherhood Initiative, 2004: 20-22.

- Of the 228 students studied, those from single-parent families reported higher rates of drinking and smoking as well as higher scores on delinquency and aggression tests when compared to boys from two-parent households.
Source: Griffin, Kenneth W., Gilbert J. Botvin, Lawrence M. Scheier, Tracy Diaz and Nicole L. Miller. “Parenting Practices as Predictors of Substance Use, Delinquency, and Aggression Among Urban Minority Youth: Moderating Effects of Family Structure and Gender.” Psychology of Addictive Behaviors 14 (June 2000): 174-184.

Father Factor in Child Abuse

- Compared to living with both parents, living in a single-parent home doubles the risk that a child will suffer physical, emotional, or educational neglect.
Source: America’s Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being. Table SPECIAL1. Washington, D.C.: Federal Interagency Forum on Child and Family Statistics, 1997.

- The overall rate of child abuse and neglect in single-parent households is 27.3 children per 1,000, whereas the rate of overall maltreatment in two-parent households is 15.5 per 1,000.
Source: America’s Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being. Table SPECIAL1. Washington, D.C.: Federal Interagency Forum on Child and Family Statistics, 1997.

- An analysis of child abuse cases in a nationally representative sample of 42 counties found that children from single-parent families are more likely to be victims of physical and sexual abuse than children who live with both biological parents. Compared to their peers living with both parents, children in single parent homes had:
- a 77% greater risk of being physically abused
- an 87% greater risk of being harmed by physical neglect
- a 165% greater risk of experiencing notable physical neglect
- a 74% greater risk of suffering from emotional neglect
- an 80% greater risk of suffering serious injury as a result of abuse
- overall, a 120% greater risk of being endangered by some type of child abuse.
Source: Sedlak, Andrea J. and Diane D. Broadhurst. The Third National Incidence Study of Child Abuse and Neglect: Final Report. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect. Washington, D.C., September 1996.

Our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single" has several chapters about the father of your daughter's baby: "Where Does The Baby's Father Belong In All This?", "Forgiving The Baby's Father", "Forgiving The Young Man's Parents", and "The Importance Of A Father." You may find this book helpful as you and your daughter make decisions and plans.

Talk with your daughter about the issues revealed in the statistics above.

• Ask your daughter if she has smoked, drank alcohol or used drugs in the past. Is she using these substances now that she is pregnant? Were these substances related to her sexual activity? How many of her friends smoke, drink, and smoke marijuana?
• Ask your daughter if she feels she has suffered physical, emotional, or educational neglect.
• What are her dreams for her child? What kind of home environment does she want for her child?
• What plans can your daughter make to provide for her child's physical safety? The child's emotional safety?
  
• What plans can your daughter make to be actively involved in her child's life, to avoid neglect?
  
• What about the baby's father: How will he help provide for the child's safety and the meeting of the child's needs?
• If the baby's father will not be actively involved in raising her child, who will provide a father figure? Which man will help safeguard the child's physical and emotional safety?
  

As you and your daughter talk about an involved father for her child, try to determine who will play this role. It may be the child's father. If the child's father will not be involved for whatever reason, who in your current family could play this crucial role? If no one is available or acceptable, spend some time considering an adoption plan where the child would have the advantages of a father as the child grows.

Fathers: Their Impact on Teen Pregnancy and Education

When talking about pregnancy in the teen and college population we often focus solely on the pregnant young mother, neglecting the father. So let's spend this week looking at fathers a little bit, and think and talk about how the baby's father impacts your daughter, her child, and your family.

The National Fatherhood Initiative reports the following statistics:

Father Factor in Teen Pregnancy

Being raised by a single mother raises the risk of teen pregnancy, marrying with less than a high school degree, and forming a marriage where both partners have less than a high school degree.
Source: Teachman, Jay D. “The Childhood Living Arrangements of Children and the Characteristics of Their Marriages.” Journal of Family Issues 25 (January 2004): 86-111.

- Separation or frequent changes increase a woman’s risk of early menarche, sexual activity and pregnancy. Women whose parents separated between birth and six years old experienced twice the risk of early menstruation, more than four times the risk of early sexual intercourse, and two and a half times higher risk of early pregnancy when compared to women in intact families. The longer a woman lived with both parents, the lower her risk of early reproductive development. Women who experienced three or more changes in her family environment exhibited similar risks but were five times more likely to have an early pregnancy.
Source: Quinlan, Robert J. “Father absence, parental care, and female reproductive development.” Evolution and Human Behavior 24 (November 2003): 376-390.

- Researchers using a pool from both the U.S. and New Zealand found strong evidence that father absence has an effect on early sexual activity and teenage pregnancy. Teens without fathers were twice as likely to be involved in early sexual activity and seven times more likely to get pregnant as an adolescent.
Source: Ellis, Bruce J., John E. Bates, Kenneth A. Dodge, David M. Ferguson, L. John Horwood, Gregory S. Pettit, and Lianne Woodward. “Does Father Absence Place Daughters at Special Risk for Early Sexual Activity and Teenage Pregnancy.” Child Development 74 (May/June 2003): 801-821.

Father Factor in Education

- Fatherless children are twice as likely to drop out of school.
Source: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. National Center for Health Statistics. Survey on Child Health. Washington, D.C.: GPO, 1993.

- Father involvement in schools is associated with the higher likelihood of a student getting mostly A's. This was true for fathers in biological parent families, for stepfathers, and for fathers heading single-parent families.
Source: Nord, Christine Winquist, and Jerry West. Fathers’ and Mothers’ Involvement in Their Children’s Schools by Family Type and Resident Status. (NCES 2001-032). Washington, D.C.: U.S. Department of Education, National Center for Education Statistics, 2001.

- Students living in father-absent homes are twice as likely to repeat a grade in school; 10 percent of children living with both parents have ever repeated a grade, compared to 20 percent of children in stepfather families and 18 percent in mother-only families.
Source: Nord, Christine Winquist, and Jerry West. Fathers’ and Mothers’ Involvement in Their Children’s Schools by Family Type and Resident Status. (NCES 2001-032). Washington, D.C.: U.S. Department of Education, National Center for Education Statistics, 2001.

- Students in single-parent families or stepfamilies are significantly less likely than students living in intact families to have parents involved in their schools. About half of students living in single-parent families or stepfamilies have parents who are highly involved, while 62 percent of students living with both their parents have parents who are highly involved in their schools.
Source: Nord, Christine Winquist, and Jerry West. Fathers’ and Mothers’ Involvement in Their Children’s Schools by Family Type and Resident Status. (NCES 2001-032). Washington, D.C.: U.S. Department of Education, National Center for Education Statistics, 2001.

- In 2001, 61 percent of 3- to 5-year olds living with two parents were read aloud to everyday by a family member, compared to 48% of children living in single- or no-parent families.
Source: Federal Interagency Forum on Child and Family Statistics. America's Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being, 2002. Table ED1. Washington, DC: U.S. Government Printing Office, 2003.

- Kindergarteners who live with single-parents are over-represented in those lagging in health, social and emotional, and cognitive outcomes. Thirty-three percent of children who were behind in all three areas were living with single parents while only 22% were not lagging behind.
Source: Wertheimer, Richard and Tara Croan, et al. Attending Kindergarten and Already Behind: A Statistical Portrait of Vulnerable Young Children. Child Trends Research Brief. Publication #2003-20. Washington, DC: Child Trends, 2003.

- In two-parent families, children under the age of 13 spend an average of 1.77 hours engaged in activities with their fathers and 2.35 hours doing so with their mothers on a daily basis in 1997. Children in single parent families spent on .42 hours with their fathers and 1.26 hours with their mothers on daily basis.
Source: Lippman, Laura, et al. Indicators of Child, Family, and Community Connections. Office of the Assistant Secretary for Planning and Evaluation. Washington, DC: US Department of Health and Human Services, 2004.

- A study of 1330 children from the PSID showed that fathers who are involved on a personal level with their child schooling increases the likelihood of their child's achievement. When fathers assume a positive role in their child's education, students feel a positive impact.
Source: McBride, Brent A., Sarah K. Schoppe-Sullivan, and Moon-Ho Ho. "The mediating role of fathers' school involvement on student achievement." Applied Developmental Psychology 26 (2005): 201-216.

- Half of all children with highly involved fathers in two-parent families reported getting mostly A's through 12th grade, compared to 35.2% of children of nonresident father families.
Source: National Center for Education Statistics. The Condition of Education. NCES
1999022. Washington, DC: U.S. Dept. of Education, 1999: 76.

Our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single" has several chapters about the father of your daughter's baby: "Where Does The Baby's Father Belong In All This?", "Forgiving The Baby's Father", "Forgiving The Young Man's Parents", and "The Importance Of A Father."

Talk with your daughter about the issues revealed in the statistics above.

• Have you raised your pregnant daughter as a single mother yourself? If so, talk to your daughter about her thoughts and feelings of being raised without a father present. Does she think this may have contributed to her sexual activity?
• What are your daughter's plans for marriage? Does she hope to marry the baby's father? If not, what are her ideas for finding a spouse who will accept her child as his own?
• Is your daughter considering dropping out of school because of the pregnancy?
• What ideas does your daughter have for how she will spend more than 1.26 hours with her child each day?
• What male could currently provide a positive male influence on her child when the child goes to school?
• What are your daughter's dreams for a father figure for her child? How realistic are these dreams? What steps can she and your family take to have an actively involved father figure in the life of her child?
  

As you and your daughter talk about an involved father for her child, try to determine who will play this role. It may be the child's father. If the child's father will not be involved for whatever reason, who in your current family could play this crucial role? If no one is available or acceptable, spend some time considering an adoption plan where the child would have the advantages of a father as the child grows.

Fathers: Anti-Poverty and Anti-Incarceration

Yesterday was Father's Day, a day to honor them. When talking about pregnancy in the teen and college population we often focus solely on the pregnant young mother, neglecting the father. So let's spend this week looking at fathers a little bit, and think and talk about how the baby's father impacts your daughter, her child, and your family.

The National Fatherhood Initiative reports the following statistics:

Father Factor in Poverty

- Children in father-absent homes are five times more likely to be poor. In 2002, 7.8 percent of children in married-couple families were living in poverty, compared to 38.4 percent of children in female-householder families.
Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Children’s Living Arrangements and Characteristics: March 2002, P200-547, Table C8. Washington D.C.: GPO, 2003.

- During the year before their babies were born, 43% of unmarried mothers received welfare or food stamps, 21% received some type of housing subsidy, and 9% received another type of government transfer (unemployment insurance etc.). For women who have another child, the proportion who receive welfare or food stamps rises to 54%.
Source: McLanahan, Sara. The Fragile Families and Child Well-being Study: Baseline National Report. Princeton, NJ: Center for Research on Child Well-being, 2003: 13.

- A child with a nonresident father is 54 percent more likely to be poorer than his or her father.
Source: Sorenson, Elaine and Chava Zibman. “Getting to Know Poor Fathers Who Do Not Pay Child Support.” Social Service Review 75 (September 2001): 420-434.

- When compared by family structure, 45.9% of poor single-parent families reported material hardship compared to 38.6% of poor two parent families. For unpoor families who did not experience material hardship, 23.3% were single-parent families compared to 41.2% of two-parent families.
Source: Beverly, Sondra G., “Material hardship in the United States: Evidence from the Survey of Income and Program Participation.” Social Work Research 25 (September 2001): 143-151.

Father Factor in Incarceration

- Even after controlling for income, youths in father-absent households still had significantly higher odds of incarceration than those in mother-father families. Youths who never had a father in the household experienced the highest odds.
Source: Harper, Cynthia C. and Sara S. McLanahan. “Father Absence and Youth Incarceration.” Journal of Research on Adolescence 14 (September 2004): 369-397.

- A 2002 Department of Justice survey of 7,000 inmates revealed that 39% of jail inmates lived in mother-only households. Approximately forty-six percent of jail inmates in 2002 had a previously incarcerated family member. One-fifth experienced a father in prison or jail.
Source: James, Doris J. Profile of Jail Inmates, 2002. (NCJ 201932). Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report, Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, July 2004.

Our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single" has several chapters about the father of your daughter's baby: "Where Does The Baby's Father Belong In All This?", "Forgiving The Baby's Father", "Forgiving The Young Man's Parents", and "The Importance Of A Father."

Talk with your daughter about the issues revealed in the statistics above.

• What are her dreams about a present and involved father for her child?
  
• What qualities of a good father can the baby's father provide currently?
  
• If the baby's father is not a good candidate for an ongoing relationship, what male(s) can step in to provide a healthy father figure?

As you and your daughter talk about an involved father for her child, try to determine who will play this role. It may be the child's father. If the child's father will not be involved for whatever reason, who in your current family could play this crucial role? If no one is available or acceptable, spend some time considering an adoption plan where the child would have the advantages of a father as the child grows.

Living Arrangements - Friends

Your daughter may desire to live with friends during her pregnancy, instead of family. If she is legally old enough to do this (not a minor), you may have little influence on this decision. But if possible, talk to her about the following:

• Will the house/apartment be single-sex only? Or will males be staying the night or cohabiting?
  
• Are her friends a good influence on her? Will they help her eat correctly, exercise, get enough sleep, get to her doctor's appointments or the hospital? Will they help her stay away from smoke (even second-hand smoke), drugs, alcohol, and other things that are harmful to herself and her baby?
• Will she continue to live there after the baby is born? What do her roommates know about infants (how much they sleep and cry, for example)? Will her roommates be willing to learn about the correct ways to help bathe the baby, feed the baby, change diapers, etc?
• Pregnancy can induce mood swings... how do her roommates currently handle the stresses of living together? How likely is it that she will be suddenly kicked out of the house during an argument?
• What do her roommates think about her current plans (marriage, single parenting, adoption)...are they supportive? or will they be ridiculing or undermining her plans?

If your daughter is a minor, her parents or legal guardians are responsible for her care and living with friends (or a friend's family) will not be feasible unless a formal (and legal) guardianship relationship is set up. Talk to a lawyer about what kind of paperwork you and the other family will need for your situation.

Living Arrangements - Maternity Home

In other posts, we've talked about your pregnant single daughter living with you in your home, with relatives, and with friends. This post looks at maternity homes.

Yes, a few maternity homes actually do still exist! If your home and the home of relatives are not going to work (for whatever reason) during your daughter's pregnancy, she may be able to be admitted into a maternity home. Each maternity home is quite different in their admission requirements, programs offered, and rules, so you'll have to do some research. At the pregnancy resource center, we've provided information about maternity homes to hundreds of pregnant girls who request this information. It seems that few girls actually choose to apply to a maternity home once they see that they will have to do chores, keep their rooms clean, etc., but most maternity homes are full at all times anyway. A maternity home is not a free hotel room with maid service and room service. Some pregnant girls imagine that they will have complete freedom and be away from their family like a vacation, but this is not the case. A maternity home is often a great experience for those who need structure, supervision, and pregnancy counseling. However, please do not force your teen into a maternity home if she does not want to be there: this can cause many more problems in the long run than it solves in the short term.

Here are just a few maternity homes. Use your favorite search engine with the keywords "maternity home" and do some browsing. Or call OptionLine at (800) 395-HELP to see if they can help you find the maternity home nearest you. Note that these listings are for your education only, and in no way imply endorsement. Links and summary information were accurate as of June 2008.

Alabama
Lifeline Village (Pell City, Alabama) offers a residential program for pregnant girls between the ages of 10 and 18 who are making an adoption plan for their child.

Arizona
Jesus Cares Ministries (Chandler, Arizona)
Hope House (Show Low, Arizona)
Maggie's Place (Phoenix, Tempe, Glendale Arizona) for women aged 18 or more.

Arkansas
Hannah House (Fort Smith, Arkansas) for women aged 12-29.

California
Bishop Gallegos Maternity Home (Fair Oaks, California)
Casa de los Angelitos (Harbor City, California) for women aged 18 or more.
His Nesting Place (Long Beach, California) has room for 22 pregnant women and their children.
St. Anne's (Los Angeles, California)
Bethany's House (Modesto, California) for adoption-minded women aged 18 and over.
Casa Teresa (Orange, California) for pregnant women aged 18 and over.
Toby's House (Orange County, California) has a program for pregnant women aged 18 and older. Knotts Family Agency (San Bernadino, California) for women age 12-17.
Mary's Shelter (Santa Ana, California)
Villa Majella (Santa Barbara, California)
Siena House (Santa Cruz County