How does teen pregnancy impact the family?

In the swirl of commentary on Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin's announcement that her 17 year old daughter, Bristol, is five months pregnant, we received a phone call from a reporter at a paper in New York. One main question they asked is, "what is the psychological impact of teen pregnancy on the family?"

The core answer is that a surprise teen pregnancy can cause each member of the family to begin working through their own grief cycle.

When the pregnancy is discovered, there is first shock and denial. Parents of a pregnant teen may feel stunned, especially if they are also learning that their daughter has been sexually active. Siblings of the pregnant teen also may feel shock. Everyone may feel like they don't know this person they thought they knew. It can be hard to accept a mental image of a loved one that is different than the image currently held. They may think to themselves, "Who is this person? Who are you and what have you done with my daughter/sister?" or "Are you sure you're pregnant? This can't be true. This can't be happening."

Once the family members accept the fact that the pregnancy is real, the next step of the grief cycle is anger. Everyone may feel anger at the baby's father, blaming him for the pregnancy. Fathers may feel anger at themselves, feeling that they did not protect their daughter. Parents may feel anger at themselves, saying "What did I do wrong?" Parents may start blaming each other, "If only you had..." Siblings of the pregnant young woman may feel anger that her pregnancy is causing them social embarassment or that the situation is soaking up so much time and attention. Anger can have symptoms in the physical health of the entire family: headaches, abdominal pain, anxiety attacks, irritability, impatience, heart problems, relationship problems, sleep disorders, uncontrolled outbursts of emotion, and compulsive behaviors. Siblings of a pregnant daughter may act out in their anger, creating new a crisis for the family to handle.

The next steps of the grief cycle are bargaining and depression. In bargaining, you may hear family members say "If you help me through this, I'll never let it happen again." In depression, family members may feel that there are no acceptable solutions to even the smallest challenge. You may wonder how you'll live through it all.

Each family member will walk through these steps at their own pace. It is very likely that everyone will revisit previous phases of the grief cycle several times. If a person doesn't get stuck somewhere in the above phases, they eventually move toward acceptance. Acceptance and resolution is measured by acknowledging that past decisions can't be erased, accurately taking responsibility for contributing factors (in other words, neither accepting too much blame nor denying all blame) and finding constructive ways to solve challenges, forgive, heal, learn new coping skills, and grow stronger rather than be destroyed.

If you analyze some of the commentary out there about the Palin family, you may notice that reactions of the people fit in with a grief cycle phase too: some are in shock that the Palins could have a pregnant daughter; others are angry at the Palins; others are depressed that Sarah Palin is the presumptive VP, given her family's situation. It will be interesting to watch as people continue to process their feelings about this one family's situation in the days and months to come.

The family of a pregnant teen or college student likely needs the opportunity to receive individual and family counseling to hash out their anger and depression in order to move to acceptance and resolution. If there is a pregnancy help center near you, see what services they can offer your family. You may find it helpful to read our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy", particularly the chapter titled "Hearing the Shocking News" which describes the grief cycle.

How Much Should Parents Help Pregnant Daughter?

We love feedback, and today's post topic is from our readers: "How much should parents help their pregnant single daughter?"

We've received this question is various forms. Other ways this has been phrased is "How does a mom support her pregnant daughter?" "Should parents pay for college when daughter is pregnant?" Keywords we've seen on our statistics include phrases like "helping your pregnant daughter."

The answers to questions like these are very dependent on your specific situation! But we do have some general suggestions.

First, get counseling for yourself and your daughter from your local pregnancy resource center. You can get a referral to your closest one by contacting OptionLine (800-395-HELP). OptionLine can help you with some basic counseling on the phone or over the internet (email, instant message), but their job is mostly to help you find a local pregnancy help center. Your local pregnancy help center can help educate you and your daughter on all the pros and cons of all your options, and help point you towards local aid programs for health care and other services. Pregnancy centers also usually offer emotional support to you and your family as you process your situation. You may also find our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Christian Pregnant Single" useful; it discusses many of the decisions you and your daughter are facing.

I know you may be feeling hurt, angry, surprised, shocked, and other negative feelings about your daughter's pregnancy outside marriage. This is a normal reaction to a crisis, and is part of the grief cycle that you have been thrust into. If you are a Christian, then you know that your daughter has sinned sexually (if she willingly participated) and you may be feeling like she needs punishment for this action. However, withdrawing help is not going to be helpful and can make the situation much worse. If you feel you need to explain to your daughter that your help is not a reward for her behavior or an acceptance of her behavior, that may be appropriate. Your daughter is carrying your innocent grandchild, who is completely dependent on your daughter for a healthy start to life. Your grandchild, via your daughter, needs at the very minimum safe housing, good nutrition, and regular medical care.

Beyond the minimums of safe housing, good nutrition, and medical care, what level of help is appropriate without enabling further choices that you don't approve of? This is again where counsel from a pregnancy help center is useful. As an outside third party, they can help you negotiate how you will help your daughter and what actions she must take in response.

Hopefully one of your goals is that your daughter be aimed at independence at some point in the future. Independence is going to be greatly improved by your daughter having a job that pays enough money for her to support your grandchild and herself. Your daughter's best bet at being able to have a job that pays enough is for her to have an education or job training. So, should you pay for all of her college expenses? This is a personal decision that you should all discuss with outside counselors. It may be that you need to make changes to the current situation (have your daughter transfer to an in-state college or community college, for example) so that expenses are reduced. You may even need to explore ways that your daughter could graduate sooner. While education is in the best interests of your daughter and your grandchild for the long term, you may need to be creative about how that education is achieved.

Another crucial area where you should help your pregnant daughter is in exploring her options. Help her research the realities of abortion, single parenting, marrying the baby's father, you raising her child, or choosing a family to raise her child in adoption. No option should be chosen casually, but instead with much research, thinking, talking, and praying. Your daughter most likely has opinions about these options. You probably do too. Spend a lot of time talking about these thoughts. Make pro/con lists. Read books. Talk to counselors and to people who have chosen each of these options. Talk to women who have aborted a child. Talk to single moms. Talk to moms who have chosen a family to raise their child in adoption. Talk to people that were adopted. Talk to moms who married the baby's father during/after pregnancy. Talk to parents who are raising their grandchild. None of the paths before your daughter is easy, they each have ups and downs.

"Seven Steps to Forgiveness" by R.T. Kendall

The following is a summary/outline of the points made by guest R.T. Kendall on the Focus On The Family radio program "Finding True Forgiveness."

Seven Steps to Forgiveness

1. Do not let anyone know what someone said about, or did to you.
2. Do not allow anyone to be afraid of you or intimidated by you.
3. Allow them to forgive themselves and not feel guilty.
4. Let them save face.
5. Protect them from their darkest secret and greatest fear.
6. It is a lifelong commitment.
7. Pray for them to be blessed.

What Forgiveness is Not

1. Approval of what they did.
2. Excusing what they did.
3. Justifying what they did.
4. Pardoning what they did.
5. Reconciliation.
6. Denying what they did.

There may be a lot of people you need to forgive when your single daughter is pregnant. You may need to forgive your daughter, the baby's father, his family, your friends and family for the way they react, yourself, and others.

How can we apply these steps to forgiveness to a Christian daughter who is single and pregnant?

1. "Do not let anyone know what someone said about, or did to you." Okay, pregnancy is going to be obvious at some point, and this sentiment is not a support of abortion. To apply this one, let's instead focus on perhaps not complaining to everyone about how much your daughter embarrassed you, hurt you, angered you, or shamed you. How about not complaining to everyone about your daughter's character, or the character of the baby's father? If you really need to vent your frustrations, pick a mature, trustworthy person such as a counselor or pastor who will not gossip about what you share.

2. "Do not allow anyone to be afraid of you or intimidated by you." Is your anger at your daughter a scary thing? Was she afraid to tell you she was pregnant because she guessed your reaction would be intimidating? Do you need to apologize to her for the way you've acted since discovering her pregnancy?

3. "Allow them to forgive themselves and not feel guilty." Your daughter may feel guilty about her sexual activity. If she willingly participated, this guilt could be the Holy Spirit prompting her that she has sinned and needs to confess. Once she has repented and asked forgiveness, guilty feelings may be unhealthy (meaning that they are no longer pointing out the need for confession). Corrie ten Boom used to talk about God's forgiveness by saying that He placed our sins at the bottom of the ocean and then put up a buoy with a sign that says "No Fishing." If your daughter has repented, don't keep bringing up her sin. Don't fish. Leave it alone.

4. "Let them save face." Ask your daughter what this would mean to her. Does it mean that she wants to tell people about the pregnancy instead of you doing it? Or does it mean she wants you to tell people instead of her doing it? Does it mean she would like to live with a relative during the pregnancy? What would 'saving face' mean to her in this situation? Are any of her ideas for this realistic possibilities? If they are possible, pray and talk about making them happen.

5. "Protect them from their darkest secret and greatest fear." Talk with your daughter about this. What is her greatest fear about being single and pregnant? What is her darkest secret about this pregnancy? Brainstorm together about what kind of protection can be offered. For example, if she is in an abusive relationship is she afraid for her safety and the safety of her baby?

6. "It is a lifelong commitment." Forgiving your daughter for a particular thing may take a lifetime of upkeep on your part. You may have unforgiving thoughts and feelings resurface that you must choose to deal with again. You may have to repeatedly choose not to "fish" around and bring up her past sins that you say you have forgiven. Perhaps she will make the same mistake again in the future and you will have to choose whether or not to berate her for her past mistakes again.

7. "Pray for them to be blessed." When you are in the midst of anger and pain, this kind of prayer can seem impossible. You may not feel like your daughter deserves blessing because of the things she has chosen to do. You certainly do not have to pray that her sin be blessed, because sin cannot be blessed. However, the consequences of sin can prompt someone to repent and turn their life around. This in itself may be a blessing to the person whose life is changed. Repentance and a changed life can open the door to other blessings, and that is hopefully something you can pray for your daughter to receive.

Forgiving your pregnant single daughter does not mean you must approve of her willing participation in sexual activity outside of marriage. You can love your daughter and hate her actions. Forgiving your daughter does not mean you must excuse her willing participation in sexual activity outside of marriage. Forgiving your pregnant single daughter does not mean you must pardon her willing actions: there may be consequences she needs to face, possibly even punishments depending on the situation. Forgiving your pregnant single daughter does not mean you must reconcile your relationship with her. For reconciliation to occur, you both have to be trustworthy people. You can forgive her even if she is not yet trustworthy for a relationship.

For more about forgiveness when your single daughter is pregnant, read the chapters in our book ("How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy") titled "Forgiving the Baby's Father," "Forgiving The Young Man's Parents," "Forgiving Myself," "Forgiving My Daughter," and "Forgiving Unkind Acquaintances."

The Grief Cycle, continued

Eventually your journey through the grief cycle takes you to the phase of acceptance. This is where you stop trying to change your daughter, where you release her into God's hands. Only Jesus can be her savior, through the work of the Holy Spirit, and we have to get out of His way. Journal your list of fears, hopes, and dreams about your daughter, her life, and your grandchild. Then pray through the list, offering each item to God and purposefully leaving them at the Cross. Ask God for the courage and strength to keep your hands off these items, allowing God to work. Ask God to increase your capacity to trust Him. Ask God to increase your faith in His timing. You probably will not be perfect at this process of release and trust! You may find that you have re-engaged in the turmoil and need to start a fresh cycle of journaling and prayer. God knows that you are not perfect yet calls you to keep working the journey. So don't give up when you face discouragement.

Acceptance and release are not the same as abandonment and neglect, so don't swing to the opposite end of the spectrum and simply wash your hands of your daughter. Pray for God to show you what actions you should take. Pray for wisdom about how to distinguish tough love from abandonment and neglect. Seek Godly counsel, and the support of mature Christians. Your daughter is a valuable and unique creation by God, with inherant value. God chose you to be her parent. Your relationship with your daughter and her child, your grandchild, will change over your whole life, just as it has to date as your daughter grew from infant to young adult. You can only control your response to her. You have never been able to control her response to you. She may decide to abandon you for a time, like the prodigal son. She may decide to walk a tough road before returning to God's path for her life. Nothing comes as a surprise to God...He knows us better than we know ourselves because He created us and loved us even while we were yet sinners.

God promises in Romans 8:28 that "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." So we know that God is able and willing to take these painful experiences and use them to benefit us. Pray for patience while you wait to see how God will work in your lives. God wants to heal us and help us to become more like Him. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." (NIV) It may be that in the future, God will ask you to help other parents through a similar situation by sharing your experiences and God's comfort. What comfort have you received from God recently? Share with us in the comments.

The Grief Cycle

Yes! The grief cycle applies to YOU, the parent of a single daughter who is pregnant! The grief cycle most likely also applies to your daughter. You are both facing real and perceived losses. Journal about the things you feel loss about in this situation. Have your daughter do the same, and talk about your lists together.

When you heard the news that your daughter was pregnant, you may have felt shock and pain. These are the beginning stages of the grief cycle. We each experience grief differently, but the phases of the cycle apply to us all. We each need to study how we feel and act during painful events so that we can learn to respond instead of react.

When discovering that their daughter is pregnant, some parents feel a strange sense that their daughter has died. The realities of her situation do not mesh up to their mental picture of their daughter, and they struggle to reconcile these two perceived versions of their daughter. Perhaps the mental image of their daughter seems dead as compared to the physical loved one in front of them. Sometimes parents feel that they no longer know who their daughter is.

Parents may also feel that the hopes and dreams they had for their daughter have died because she is pregnant. Hopefully you can come to see that almost all the hopes and dreams you had for your daughter can still be achieved after the detour of pregnancy. Your daughter's pregnancy is not the end of the world, and your daughter has not physically died, nor has your grandchild that she is carrying.

The grief cycle starts with denial or disbelief, and these reactions can be very strong. It is likely that your daughter has already dealt with denial to some degree and had to overcome it in order to admit to herself and to you that she is indeed pregnant. So your daughter may be slightly ahead of you in her own grief cycle. Do not give in to the temptation to ignore or minimize the situation. You must process your feelings so that you can move forward...there are many decisions to think and pray about! Denial of your daughter's pregnancy will not make the situation go away. Abortion sometimes seems like a way to deny that your daughter is pregnant. However, your daughter is now a mother, you are now a grandparent, and the question is will she be the mother of a dead child and you the grandparent of a dead grandchild, or of a living one?

The next phases of the grief cycle are anger, depression, and bargaining. These too can be very strong emotions. You may feel anger at your daughter, at the father of your grandchild, at your spouse, at your family, yourself, and the world in general. Depression has been defined by some as "anger turned inward over a period of time". Pay attention to your thoughts and physical feelings. Watch for symptoms of depression in yourself, your family, and your pregnant daughter. Watch for symptoms of prolonged anger (headaches, stomach pain, heart problems, etc.) in yourself, your family, and your daughter. Seek the help that you and your family need. Examine yourself to see if you are avoiding or suppressing the pain you feel... it usually does not go away but will simply surface in other aspects of your life. Chapter 1 "Hearing the Shocking News" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" talks more about the grief cycle and offers exercises to help you examine your emotions.

Share with us by commenting: where do you think you are in the grief cycle right now?

Finding Support for Your Family

You probably feel pretty isolated when trying to cope with the news of your single daughter's pregnancy. The statistics show that you are not alone, but it is also the case that you and your family need special support during this challenge! You should not try to deal with this situation entirely on your own even though you may fear "airing the family's dirty laundry". It may be embarassing to admit you need help, but pregnancy outside of marriage is a crisis: there are changes to life no matter what course is chosen, and those changes will require new coping strategies.

Sit down and think about who your support circle is. List family, fellow church members, and friends who are trustworthy and wise. God created family to support each other. Likewise, God urges us to be active in a local church for spiritual, emotional and physical support. The body of Christ is called to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice. And yet we are still fallen humans, so choose your initial support group with prayer and thought. Ask the Lord to give you wisdom about who to talk to and where to find help.

Find a local ministry that understands the issues and decisions involved in pregnancy. Call OptionLine (800-395-HELP, open 24/7) to see if there is a pregnancy resource center near you, or to talk to a phone counselor. OptionLine can also be reached via email and instant messenger, and can talk to both you and your daughter. You may also be able to find counseling help for your other children as they deal with your daughter's pregnancy.

Take the time to educate yourself and your family about the issues and decisions involved in your daughter's pregnancy. Obviously we recommend our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Christian Pregnant Single", and there are other books and resources out there too. It is important to understand that there is rarely a single cause that led your daughter into sexual activity outside marriage, which led to her pregnancy. So don't place all the 'blame' on any particular person or thing. Talk to your daughter to brainstorm all the actions and decisions that contributed to her situation.

Find other parents to talk to. You may know another family at church who has had a pregnant daughter in the past. Call them and ask to meet for coffee to hear their experiences. You will likely find it very comforting to hear the story of other parents who have gone through similar struggles as you are now facing. Again, don't allow this challenge to isolate you from help when you need it most. Pray for God to bring you wise and trustworthy counsel, and ask God to give you wisdom. James 1:5 says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

What did I do wrong?

If those tapes in your head are telling you that you're a bad parent, a failure, please know that you're not the only one who feels that way. Many Christian parents start to wonder what they did wrong in raising their Christian daughter that she would be sexually active and pregnant outside of marriage. Introspection can be healthy and it can also be unhealthy.

Healthy introspection can help you identify parenting choices that didn't turn out like you intended, so that you can take steps to make better parenting choices as you move forward.

Unhealthy introspection gets you stuck in the past, unable to move forward, focusing only on regrets and on blaming yourself and/or your spouse. You are not alone in these feelings, but remind yourself constantly that no parent is perfect just as no child is perfect. Your children make mistakes, just as you have made mistakes. 1 John 1:8 says, "If we say we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and refusing to accept the truth." (NLT) Every human on the planet today makes mistakes.

As you pray, ask the Lord to show you if there is anything you've done for which you need to ask your child for forgiveness. Let the Holy Spirit search you and lead you to any revelations, rather than you micro-examining your memories. Use Psalm 139:23-24 in your prayer, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." (NIV) God promises that when you seek Him, you will find Him. Matthew 7:7-8 says, "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: for every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened." (ASV) As God reveals shortcomings to you, confess them and embrace His forgivness, for 1 John 1:9 promises, "But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong." (NLT)

When parents are dwelling on their pain, they often accuse each other of contributing to the problem. Actively work on talking to each other without accusations. In addition, don't give your spouse the 'silent treatment'...this is a time where you both need to share your thoughts and feelings and find support in each other. This is a time for your marriage to come together, not to push each other away. Pray outloud with each other. Share your journal entries. Read chapters from "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" outloud together and discuss them. Work on these exercises from Marriage Enrichment, called "Knee to Knee - Dealing with Grief". Your daughter's pregnancy is a crisis that triggers a grief cycle for all involved, and normal grief feels abnormal. So take the time to talk. Don't try to cope with this alone.

Taking Time to Think

When you first discover that your single daughter is pregnant, you're probably overwhelmed with anger, pain, and disappointment. There may come a time in the future for tough love, but this is not it. You need to make the decisions surrounding tough love when you are calm and have had time to consider all the options, possibilities and consequences. Right now a formal confrontation of your daughter and the father of your grandchild will probably be simply an expression of your anger and pain, both of which may close the doors to further communication.

It is absolutely acceptable to tell your daughter that you need time to collect your thoughts and to sort through your feelings. In the same way that your daughter probably took time to figure out how and when to tell you that she was pregnant, ask her to give you time to figure out how to respond so that you are not simply reacting out of the emotion of the moment. However, focus on reaffirming your love now and in future conversations to help keep the lines of communication open. Your daughter will be more willing to hear your thoughts and feelings when she sees that you are not punishing her by withdrawing your love, that you are not passing judgment on her by withholding your love.

Share with us: How did your single daughter tell you she was pregnant? Is there anything you wish she had said or done differently in tell you this news?

Who is this person?

Your daughter is the same person you loved before you discovered she was pregnant. You may have learned some new facts about her that you had not know (such as the fact that she has been sexually active), but she is not suddenly a complete stranger. Focus on offering grace and acceptance to your daughter because she is a human of inestimable worth made in the image of God and because she is your daughter. You are not saying that you accept her behavior, simply that you accept her. Again, you can love the person and hate the sin. Focus on listening and reaffirming to your daughter that you love her and you love her child, your grandchild. This may be extremely difficult to do, so pray that the Lord will give you His love and strength to extend to her.

What did you say?

Parents are often not prepared to hear their single daughter announce her pregnancy. Hearing "Mom, Dad, I'm pregnant" can feel painful and make you feel confused about how to respond. On one hand you love your daughter and your grandchild, and on the other hand are many questions, emotions, worries, and fears for them both and the rest of your family. You may feel bewildered and overwhelmed, unsure of how to process your feelings and unsure of how to respond to your daughter.

Keep your perspective. It may be difficult, but remain as calm as possible. Remind yourself that God has a plan for each person including you, your daughter, and your grandchild, and that nothing catches Him by surprise. Focus on responding, not reacting.

Focus on listening. As painful as it was for you to hear this news, it was probably just as painful for your daughter to deliver the news. She has probably been agonizing over this moment, fearful of your reaction. Focus on listening, on staying present in the moment, and hearing her story. Try not to make assumptions or jump to conclusions while she tells her story. Let her open her heart to you. Try not to take control of the conversation or your daughter, but give her time to share.

Communicate your feelings. Take the time to collect your thoughts before you speak. Your daughter needs to hear about your feelings, and you need to try to share them in a way that is not intentionally hurtful or inflamatory. Share your feelings as calmly as possible. Avoid making accusations. Avoid condemnation and rejection (which is what your daughter is likely expecting and fearing from you). Your daughter probably already knows about your beliefs or what the Bible says about sex and pregnancy outside of marriage. Quoting Scripture which specifically address her behavior generally is not constructive at this time. Shouting an angry lecture about morals will likely only build a defensive wall between you. Try to focus on compassion for her situation. You can hate your daughter's sin without hating your daughter and your grandchild.

For more information about how to handle the news of your single daughter's pregnancy, see chapters 1 and 2 ("Hearing the Shocking News" and "The Importance of First Words") in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single".