How does teen pregnancy impact the family?

In the swirl of commentary on Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin's announcement that her 17 year old daughter, Bristol, is five months pregnant, we received a phone call from a reporter at a paper in New York. One main question they asked is, "what is the psychological impact of teen pregnancy on the family?"

The core answer is that a surprise teen pregnancy can cause each member of the family to begin working through their own grief cycle.

When the pregnancy is discovered, there is first shock and denial. Parents of a pregnant teen may feel stunned, especially if they are also learning that their daughter has been sexually active. Siblings of the pregnant teen also may feel shock. Everyone may feel like they don't know this person they thought they knew. It can be hard to accept a mental image of a loved one that is different than the image currently held. They may think to themselves, "Who is this person? Who are you and what have you done with my daughter/sister?" or "Are you sure you're pregnant? This can't be true. This can't be happening."

Once the family members accept the fact that the pregnancy is real, the next step of the grief cycle is anger. Everyone may feel anger at the baby's father, blaming him for the pregnancy. Fathers may feel anger at themselves, feeling that they did not protect their daughter. Parents may feel anger at themselves, saying "What did I do wrong?" Parents may start blaming each other, "If only you had..." Siblings of the pregnant young woman may feel anger that her pregnancy is causing them social embarassment or that the situation is soaking up so much time and attention. Anger can have symptoms in the physical health of the entire family: headaches, abdominal pain, anxiety attacks, irritability, impatience, heart problems, relationship problems, sleep disorders, uncontrolled outbursts of emotion, and compulsive behaviors. Siblings of a pregnant daughter may act out in their anger, creating new a crisis for the family to handle.

The next steps of the grief cycle are bargaining and depression. In bargaining, you may hear family members say "If you help me through this, I'll never let it happen again." In depression, family members may feel that there are no acceptable solutions to even the smallest challenge. You may wonder how you'll live through it all.

Each family member will walk through these steps at their own pace. It is very likely that everyone will revisit previous phases of the grief cycle several times. If a person doesn't get stuck somewhere in the above phases, they eventually move toward acceptance. Acceptance and resolution is measured by acknowledging that past decisions can't be erased, accurately taking responsibility for contributing factors (in other words, neither accepting too much blame nor denying all blame) and finding constructive ways to solve challenges, forgive, heal, learn new coping skills, and grow stronger rather than be destroyed.

If you analyze some of the commentary out there about the Palin family, you may notice that reactions of the people fit in with a grief cycle phase too: some are in shock that the Palins could have a pregnant daughter; others are angry at the Palins; others are depressed that Sarah Palin is the presumptive VP, given her family's situation. It will be interesting to watch as people continue to process their feelings about this one family's situation in the days and months to come.

The family of a pregnant teen or college student likely needs the opportunity to receive individual and family counseling to hash out their anger and depression in order to move to acceptance and resolution. If there is a pregnancy help center near you, see what services they can offer your family. You may find it helpful to read our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy", particularly the chapter titled "Hearing the Shocking News" which describes the grief cycle.

Finding help and local resources

"Programs help teen mothers" is an article from a recent Ohio town newspaper (you may have to scroll down the page some) that gives an overview of the programs available to help teen mothers in their town.

Their "GRADS" program helps pregnant teens develop a plan of how to finish their education and manage their parenting responsibilities, with the primary goal of helping girls stay in school and graduate. The program counselor "also talks with the teens about parenting skills, money management and career planning."

The article also discusses services offered by their local pregnancy help centers, which teach mothers about what to do if "the baby can’t stop crying, what’s the best way to communicate with the baby, how to play with the baby and first aid for the baby." The pregnancy help centers also have services for the parents of the pregnant teen, and the father of the baby: “The parents of a pregnant teen — they go through every possible emotion,” Dicke said, citing anger and frustration at the top of the list. “They (the teenager) need unconditional love and support. You have to go beyond the anger and the hurt, you still have to love them. That person is still your child.” Dicke said teenage boys involved in an unplanned pregnancy are often frustrated with the situation as well.“They’re upset that they made a mistake and that’s why they don’t want to tell their parents and hear about it again.”

See if your community offers a program like this that would be of help to you and your daughter.

Episode 9 - Secret Life of the American Teenager

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch some of the episodes online here (click the tab called "Full Episode"). Here are a few points from Episode 9, with some items to discuss with your teens.

Amy's mom and Ben's dad are talking over pizza.

Amy's mom says (about Amy's pregnancy), "I want this not to be happening." Most people surrounding a pregnant single (including the pregnant woman herself) experience a grief cycle centered on the pregnancy. If you can realize where you are in the grief cycle, it will help you cope with the emotions you're feeling instead of being bewildered about why you're feeling the way you do. The grief cycle starts with shock and denial, where you say "I can't believe this is happening." Next are anger and bargaining. After that is depression. Finally you should start to move towards acceptance. You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Hearing the Shocking News" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" to learn more about the grief cycle surrounding pregnancy.

Ben's dad says, "But it is. And it's going to be happening whether she goes to extension class or she's homeschooled or goes back to her old school." Your pregnant daughter probably has a few choices to help her finish her current educational program. With her, research all the options and write out the pros and cons of each. But finishing her education is very important for the future of everyone involved, so she needs to pick an option and follow through.

Amy's mom says, "I can't even get her to leave the house anymore." Ben's dad responds, "She's got to get over that. She can't hide her face in shame. What happened, happened. .... You'll get through this and Amy will get through this. Don't let her hide from people, and don't you hide from people. ... Don't let Amy feel like she's any less of a person than she was before this happened. Because she's not, and neither are you." You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Trying to hide", "Where will we be in a year?" and "Our hope for the next five years" to help you put the current crisis into a longer-term perspective.

Amy is talking to her dad about her not wanting to return to school because kids at her school are mean. It is likely that your family will feel uncomfortable in your current social circles. You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Forgiving unkind acquaintances" for strategies to deal with mean people. Talk to your pregnant daughter about the kids at her school. Is she in physical danger there? What hurtful things are people saying to her or about her? Get your daughter counseling to help heal these emotional wounds, and take any steps necessary to safeguard her physical safety at school.

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy also has a discussion guide for episode 9 (pdf).

How Much Should Parents Help Pregnant Daughter?

We love feedback, and today's post topic is from our readers: "How much should parents help their pregnant single daughter?"

We've received this question is various forms. Other ways this has been phrased is "How does a mom support her pregnant daughter?" "Should parents pay for college when daughter is pregnant?" Keywords we've seen on our statistics include phrases like "helping your pregnant daughter."

The answers to questions like these are very dependent on your specific situation! But we do have some general suggestions.

First, get counseling for yourself and your daughter from your local pregnancy resource center. You can get a referral to your closest one by contacting OptionLine (800-395-HELP). OptionLine can help you with some basic counseling on the phone or over the internet (email, instant message), but their job is mostly to help you find a local pregnancy help center. Your local pregnancy help center can help educate you and your daughter on all the pros and cons of all your options, and help point you towards local aid programs for health care and other services. Pregnancy centers also usually offer emotional support to you and your family as you process your situation. You may also find our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Christian Pregnant Single" useful; it discusses many of the decisions you and your daughter are facing.

I know you may be feeling hurt, angry, surprised, shocked, and other negative feelings about your daughter's pregnancy outside marriage. This is a normal reaction to a crisis, and is part of the grief cycle that you have been thrust into. If you are a Christian, then you know that your daughter has sinned sexually (if she willingly participated) and you may be feeling like she needs punishment for this action. However, withdrawing help is not going to be helpful and can make the situation much worse. If you feel you need to explain to your daughter that your help is not a reward for her behavior or an acceptance of her behavior, that may be appropriate. Your daughter is carrying your innocent grandchild, who is completely dependent on your daughter for a healthy start to life. Your grandchild, via your daughter, needs at the very minimum safe housing, good nutrition, and regular medical care.

Beyond the minimums of safe housing, good nutrition, and medical care, what level of help is appropriate without enabling further choices that you don't approve of? This is again where counsel from a pregnancy help center is useful. As an outside third party, they can help you negotiate how you will help your daughter and what actions she must take in response.

Hopefully one of your goals is that your daughter be aimed at independence at some point in the future. Independence is going to be greatly improved by your daughter having a job that pays enough money for her to support your grandchild and herself. Your daughter's best bet at being able to have a job that pays enough is for her to have an education or job training. So, should you pay for all of her college expenses? This is a personal decision that you should all discuss with outside counselors. It may be that you need to make changes to the current situation (have your daughter transfer to an in-state college or community college, for example) so that expenses are reduced. You may even need to explore ways that your daughter could graduate sooner. While education is in the best interests of your daughter and your grandchild for the long term, you may need to be creative about how that education is achieved.

Another crucial area where you should help your pregnant daughter is in exploring her options. Help her research the realities of abortion, single parenting, marrying the baby's father, you raising her child, or choosing a family to raise her child in adoption. No option should be chosen casually, but instead with much research, thinking, talking, and praying. Your daughter most likely has opinions about these options. You probably do too. Spend a lot of time talking about these thoughts. Make pro/con lists. Read books. Talk to counselors and to people who have chosen each of these options. Talk to women who have aborted a child. Talk to single moms. Talk to moms who have chosen a family to raise their child in adoption. Talk to people that were adopted. Talk to moms who married the baby's father during/after pregnancy. Talk to parents who are raising their grandchild. None of the paths before your daughter is easy, they each have ups and downs.

Rebekah's Story

This is the real story of a young woman named Rebekah who was single and pregnant.

I am a living example of how being a born again Christian does not shield you from Satan’s power, if you do not walk with the Lord. My dad was a missionary pilot in the Philippines. I am a Bible college graduate. I was saved when I was 15 years old.

Yet a few years after graduating from college, I was in a good job, driving a nice sports car and had lost sight of God in the midst of my success. I became a very lonely person, spending my time looking for happiness in other areas of my life … partying, excessive drinking, sexual impurity, and looking for fulfillment with the wrong kind of men. Two years ago, after a long series of selfish choices, I had reached a point in a “roller coaster” of life where everything I had ever believed was challenged, and I made the wrong choice – I was pregnant and I chose to have an abortion rather than ruin my career or let my parents find out about my lifestyle.

For the next several months, I struggled alone with deep depression, suicidal thoughts, anger and the guilt and shame of what I had done. I had shattered my family’s trust in me, emerged from a destructive relationship barely intact and was so absolutely overwhelmed by my sins that I spent nights crying in despair, wondering how I had reached this point in my life and how God could ever love me back to Himself. 1 John 3:9 says that no one born of God can live at peace with sin and God finally had my attention. After a couple of months, I knew I could not do it alone anymore. I finally took the painful steps of telling my family what I had done and asking for their forgiveness. I also began attending a post-abortion Bible study at Assist Pregnancy Center and after many months of prayer and working through my grief, began to understand the depth of God’s love and forgiveness. What impacted me through the Bible study at that time was this:

• I was encouraged to talk about my abortion experience and feelings without fear of judgment, was listened to and encouraged by other women in the course, and was reminded of God’s promises in Scripture.
• I was able to identify why I was feeling the emotions I was experiencing and began the slow process of working through them – unprovoked anger, bitterness, moments of denial, and overwhelming grief.
• I learned to identify the emotional triggers that prevented my healing.
• I learned how easily we buy into the world’s lies – how so many are told that abortion is an “easy solution,” “it’s the best decision for this time in your life”, “it’s over and done with” or “what will your parents think”.
• I learned how sexual immorality leads to a bondage of sexual ties in bad relationships, how to break those ties and repair the sexual damage I had done to my heart and soul.

Although the healing process takes a long time, I was emotionally better equipped to face my daily challenges at the end of our eight week course. I knew I could call on anyone at Assist for additional guidance or a hug anytime I needed it. Everything that happens, happens for a reason and God can work everything together for His purpose. I am now back in church, deeply involved with my small groups and growing again in my faith. It’s amazing to see how God brings opportunities for me to share my life experiences with others to be an encouragement. I am joyful, knowing that God will use my past and my story to help others understand His undeserved grace and unconditional love.

In our book, "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for Parents of A Pregnant Christian Single," we share at least one true story in every chapter. You are not alone, and reading the stories of others who have been where you are is such a comfort!

Call 800-395-HELP to find a pregnancy resource center near you that can come alongside your family to support you all. Talk to your daughter about the pain that secrets can cause. Talk to her about how you may be hurt or angry when a secret such as a pregnancy or an abortion is revealed but that you love her and you don't want any secrets poisoning your relationship.

The Grief Cycle, continued

Eventually your journey through the grief cycle takes you to the phase of acceptance. This is where you stop trying to change your daughter, where you release her into God's hands. Only Jesus can be her savior, through the work of the Holy Spirit, and we have to get out of His way. Journal your list of fears, hopes, and dreams about your daughter, her life, and your grandchild. Then pray through the list, offering each item to God and purposefully leaving them at the Cross. Ask God for the courage and strength to keep your hands off these items, allowing God to work. Ask God to increase your capacity to trust Him. Ask God to increase your faith in His timing. You probably will not be perfect at this process of release and trust! You may find that you have re-engaged in the turmoil and need to start a fresh cycle of journaling and prayer. God knows that you are not perfect yet calls you to keep working the journey. So don't give up when you face discouragement.

Acceptance and release are not the same as abandonment and neglect, so don't swing to the opposite end of the spectrum and simply wash your hands of your daughter. Pray for God to show you what actions you should take. Pray for wisdom about how to distinguish tough love from abandonment and neglect. Seek Godly counsel, and the support of mature Christians. Your daughter is a valuable and unique creation by God, with inherant value. God chose you to be her parent. Your relationship with your daughter and her child, your grandchild, will change over your whole life, just as it has to date as your daughter grew from infant to young adult. You can only control your response to her. You have never been able to control her response to you. She may decide to abandon you for a time, like the prodigal son. She may decide to walk a tough road before returning to God's path for her life. Nothing comes as a surprise to God...He knows us better than we know ourselves because He created us and loved us even while we were yet sinners.

God promises in Romans 8:28 that "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." So we know that God is able and willing to take these painful experiences and use them to benefit us. Pray for patience while you wait to see how God will work in your lives. God wants to heal us and help us to become more like Him. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." (NIV) It may be that in the future, God will ask you to help other parents through a similar situation by sharing your experiences and God's comfort. What comfort have you received from God recently? Share with us in the comments.

The Grief Cycle

Yes! The grief cycle applies to YOU, the parent of a single daughter who is pregnant! The grief cycle most likely also applies to your daughter. You are both facing real and perceived losses. Journal about the things you feel loss about in this situation. Have your daughter do the same, and talk about your lists together.

When you heard the news that your daughter was pregnant, you may have felt shock and pain. These are the beginning stages of the grief cycle. We each experience grief differently, but the phases of the cycle apply to us all. We each need to study how we feel and act during painful events so that we can learn to respond instead of react.

When discovering that their daughter is pregnant, some parents feel a strange sense that their daughter has died. The realities of her situation do not mesh up to their mental picture of their daughter, and they struggle to reconcile these two perceived versions of their daughter. Perhaps the mental image of their daughter seems dead as compared to the physical loved one in front of them. Sometimes parents feel that they no longer know who their daughter is.

Parents may also feel that the hopes and dreams they had for their daughter have died because she is pregnant. Hopefully you can come to see that almost all the hopes and dreams you had for your daughter can still be achieved after the detour of pregnancy. Your daughter's pregnancy is not the end of the world, and your daughter has not physically died, nor has your grandchild that she is carrying.

The grief cycle starts with denial or disbelief, and these reactions can be very strong. It is likely that your daughter has already dealt with denial to some degree and had to overcome it in order to admit to herself and to you that she is indeed pregnant. So your daughter may be slightly ahead of you in her own grief cycle. Do not give in to the temptation to ignore or minimize the situation. You must process your feelings so that you can move forward...there are many decisions to think and pray about! Denial of your daughter's pregnancy will not make the situation go away. Abortion sometimes seems like a way to deny that your daughter is pregnant. However, your daughter is now a mother, you are now a grandparent, and the question is will she be the mother of a dead child and you the grandparent of a dead grandchild, or of a living one?

The next phases of the grief cycle are anger, depression, and bargaining. These too can be very strong emotions. You may feel anger at your daughter, at the father of your grandchild, at your spouse, at your family, yourself, and the world in general. Depression has been defined by some as "anger turned inward over a period of time". Pay attention to your thoughts and physical feelings. Watch for symptoms of depression in yourself, your family, and your pregnant daughter. Watch for symptoms of prolonged anger (headaches, stomach pain, heart problems, etc.) in yourself, your family, and your daughter. Seek the help that you and your family need. Examine yourself to see if you are avoiding or suppressing the pain you feel... it usually does not go away but will simply surface in other aspects of your life. Chapter 1 "Hearing the Shocking News" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" talks more about the grief cycle and offers exercises to help you examine your emotions.

Share with us by commenting: where do you think you are in the grief cycle right now?

What did I do wrong?

If those tapes in your head are telling you that you're a bad parent, a failure, please know that you're not the only one who feels that way. Many Christian parents start to wonder what they did wrong in raising their Christian daughter that she would be sexually active and pregnant outside of marriage. Introspection can be healthy and it can also be unhealthy.

Healthy introspection can help you identify parenting choices that didn't turn out like you intended, so that you can take steps to make better parenting choices as you move forward.

Unhealthy introspection gets you stuck in the past, unable to move forward, focusing only on regrets and on blaming yourself and/or your spouse. You are not alone in these feelings, but remind yourself constantly that no parent is perfect just as no child is perfect. Your children make mistakes, just as you have made mistakes. 1 John 1:8 says, "If we say we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and refusing to accept the truth." (NLT) Every human on the planet today makes mistakes.

As you pray, ask the Lord to show you if there is anything you've done for which you need to ask your child for forgiveness. Let the Holy Spirit search you and lead you to any revelations, rather than you micro-examining your memories. Use Psalm 139:23-24 in your prayer, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." (NIV) God promises that when you seek Him, you will find Him. Matthew 7:7-8 says, "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: for every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened." (ASV) As God reveals shortcomings to you, confess them and embrace His forgivness, for 1 John 1:9 promises, "But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong." (NLT)

When parents are dwelling on their pain, they often accuse each other of contributing to the problem. Actively work on talking to each other without accusations. In addition, don't give your spouse the 'silent treatment'...this is a time where you both need to share your thoughts and feelings and find support in each other. This is a time for your marriage to come together, not to push each other away. Pray outloud with each other. Share your journal entries. Read chapters from "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" outloud together and discuss them. Work on these exercises from Marriage Enrichment, called "Knee to Knee - Dealing with Grief". Your daughter's pregnancy is a crisis that triggers a grief cycle for all involved, and normal grief feels abnormal. So take the time to talk. Don't try to cope with this alone.