Is your pregnant daughter depressed?

A recent news report titled "Mood in pregnancy impacts early child development" summarizes a research study that is the first one focused on this topic. So while the research results are interesting, keep in mind that many other studies need to be conducted to verify whether or not these results are accurate. A single research study result can not be called conclusive.

The article says that of the 9,244 women in the research study, 14% of those women were depressed during pregnancy but not depressed 2 months after the birth of their child. So, some women are depressed during pregnancy but do not appear to also have postpartum depression. Is your pregnant daughter depressed? If so, make sure she talks to her doctor and to a mental health professional about how she is feeling. See if there are any local support groups for pregnant singles (perhaps at a pregnancy help center). Look into weekly counseling by professionals or mentoring by peers. Help your pregnant daughter not become isolated: attend church regularly, join Mothers of Preschoolers or other parenting support groups. If your daughter is choosing an adoption plan, she should be involved in individual and group counseling.

The research study indicates that children of mothers who were depressed during pregnancy are about 34% more likely to have a developmental delay at age 18 months. "A developmental delay is any significant lag in a child's physical, cognitive, behavioral, emotional, or social development, in comparison with established normal ranges for his or her age." The research summary does not tell us if these possible delays were small or big delays.

The article ends by saying that parents can do a lot to improve their child's development even if there is depression in the family.

First, learn about how a child develops. Your local pregnancy help center may have educational videos about this topic; you can also find a lot of information at your library, pediatrician's office, and health department.

Second, brainstorm with your daughter about how the entire family can help to encourage good development in her child. Her child will need lots of individual and undivided attention. Who will read to him/her every day? Who will play with him/her every day? Who will take the baby to appropriate activities outside of the house on a regular basis?

If the child will be in daycare, what activities do they offer to promote good development? How many children does one adult have to juggle? Are the staff trained in child development? You may find it helpful to read the chapter titled "Childcare responsibilities" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" to learn more about choosing a good daycare provider.

If family is not available to help with lots of individual attention for the child, research whether an adoptive family would provide benefits to the child.

Episode 9 - Secret Life of the American Teenager

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch some of the episodes online here (click the tab called "Full Episode"). Here are a few points from Episode 9, with some items to discuss with your teens.

Amy's mom and Ben's dad are talking over pizza.

Amy's mom says (about Amy's pregnancy), "I want this not to be happening." Most people surrounding a pregnant single (including the pregnant woman herself) experience a grief cycle centered on the pregnancy. If you can realize where you are in the grief cycle, it will help you cope with the emotions you're feeling instead of being bewildered about why you're feeling the way you do. The grief cycle starts with shock and denial, where you say "I can't believe this is happening." Next are anger and bargaining. After that is depression. Finally you should start to move towards acceptance. You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Hearing the Shocking News" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" to learn more about the grief cycle surrounding pregnancy.

Ben's dad says, "But it is. And it's going to be happening whether she goes to extension class or she's homeschooled or goes back to her old school." Your pregnant daughter probably has a few choices to help her finish her current educational program. With her, research all the options and write out the pros and cons of each. But finishing her education is very important for the future of everyone involved, so she needs to pick an option and follow through.

Amy's mom says, "I can't even get her to leave the house anymore." Ben's dad responds, "She's got to get over that. She can't hide her face in shame. What happened, happened. .... You'll get through this and Amy will get through this. Don't let her hide from people, and don't you hide from people. ... Don't let Amy feel like she's any less of a person than she was before this happened. Because she's not, and neither are you." You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Trying to hide", "Where will we be in a year?" and "Our hope for the next five years" to help you put the current crisis into a longer-term perspective.

Amy is talking to her dad about her not wanting to return to school because kids at her school are mean. It is likely that your family will feel uncomfortable in your current social circles. You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Forgiving unkind acquaintances" for strategies to deal with mean people. Talk to your pregnant daughter about the kids at her school. Is she in physical danger there? What hurtful things are people saying to her or about her? Get your daughter counseling to help heal these emotional wounds, and take any steps necessary to safeguard her physical safety at school.

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy also has a discussion guide for episode 9 (pdf).

Dealing with stress

Family & Consumer Sciences at Michigan State University Extension created a free program called "Caring for My Family." One of the lessons in this program is called "Dealing with Stress". Consider printing out this lesson and discussing it with your pregnant daughter. As you probably know very well, nearly every family member will feel stress when your teen or college age daughter is pregnant. Some of the main points from this lesson are as follows.

"Stress is our body’s response to things that trigger an emotional reaction in us. It happens as a result of life’s demands (pleasant and unpleasant) and our ability to deal with them."

Each person's body responds differently to stress. The lesson lists a bunch of reactions. Which of these stress symptoms do you feel? Which do your pregnant daughter feel?

Physical: headaches, loss of hair, dry mouth, dizziness, face feels hot, appetite changes, lump in throat, heartburn, backache, sweat, skin rash, diarrhea, increased urination, nail biting, cold hands and feet, trembling, fatigue, insomnia, weight changes, colds, stomach aches, pounding heart, teeth grinding, restlessness, insomnia, increased tobacco/alcohol/drug use, neck and shoulders tighten and ache.

Mental: forgetfulness, dull senses, poor concentration, negative attitude, confusion, tired, boredom, no new ideas, depressed.

Emotional: anxiety, the “blues”, mood swings, bad temper, crying spells, irritability, depression, nervous laughter, worrying, easily discouraged.

Social: isolation, resentment, loneliness, relationship problems, lashing out, clamming up, sex drive changes, nagging, fewer contacts with people, using people.

Are you always aware of when your stress symptoms are happening to you? Why or why not? Can you stop them from happening? How? Do you see a pattern in your responses – are they mostly physical or do they usually involve other people?

Pick one thing that you are feeling stress about. Write about that topic using the following questions. Have your daughter complete this exercise too.

Something in my life that continues to bother me and makes me feel frustrated is:

I am upset about this situation because:

The change I would like to see is:

The obstacles that might get in the way of making this change is:

I can get rid of these obstacles by:

I will take the following steps toward making this change come about
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Consider getting counseling for yourself, your daughter, and any other family members who are feeling stress because of your daughter's pregnancy. A pregnancy help center may be able to offer peer counseling to your daughter and yourself. Does your church have a counseling ministry? Both your church and a pregnancy center may also have referrals to other counseling sources such as private counselors or social services.

Help your pregnant daughter with: Support Systems

The other day we posted about the topic "How much should parents help their pregnant single daughter?"We've received this question is various forms. Another way this has been phrased is "How does a mom support her pregnant daughter?" Keywords we've seen on our statistics include phrases like "helping your pregnant daughter." That post focused on the minimum basics of safe housing, nutrition, and medical care. Today let's talk about some other help beyond the minimum basics.

Beyond the minimum basics of housing, nutrition, and medical care, parents of a pregnant teen or college student should consider how they might help with these goals:

1. Helping your daughter remain in school until graduation.
2. Preventing subsequent adolescent pregnancies.
3. Improving parenting skills.
4. Locating and using community resources.
5. Stabilizing family support systems. (Today's topic)
6. Strengthening employability skills and efforts to become economically self-sufficient.

Again, your motive of considering these kinds of help is not to reward your daughter's sexual activity and pregnancy outside of marriage, but to help get her on the road to independence and to help give your grandchild a better start in life. Today's topic is:

5. Stabilizing family support systems. This phrase doesn't mean just that the family supports the pregnant daughter, but that the entire family has other people that help the family. Think about how easy it is to break a single popcicle stick. But it is much harder to break a handful of sticks. By having many sticks put together in a bundle the sticks are much stronger and very difficult to break. The same is true for people. When we are isolated and alone, the stress of life can become overwhelming. However, when we have people who can provide us with support we are made stronger and more resilient against the stress of life. The Bible expreses this thought in Ecclesiastes 4:12, "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." (NIV)

Social support has been defined as the emotional, instrumental, or informational help that other people provide an individual. Each member of your family needs each kind of social support:

Emotional support is the type of support that helps you feel good about yourself. It is provided when someone really listens to you and helps you sort through your thoughts and feelings.

Instrumental support, another type of support, is given when someone provides concrete help to you, such as giving you money, doing your dishes, or babysitting for you.

Informational support, a third type of social support, refers to advice or information gained about decisions, such as parenting, employment, or medical concerns.

These various types of support can come from many different sources. Get a piece of paper for you and one for your daughter. Make three columns on each sheet: Emotional support; Instrumental support; and Informational support. Then each of you list people and organizations that help you currently with that type of support. Write down how they provide you support. Now discuss your sheets together: What types of support do you need more of? Brainstorm ways to get more support in those areas, perhaps by finding community resources that can help. For example, if there is a pregnancy care center near you, they may be able to help with mentoring and education for you and your pregnant daughter.

Some of the above inofrmation was from a Michigan State University Extension program called "Caring for My Family". The Caring for my Family curriculum helps mothers and fathers of newborns learn about building healthy relationships through a series of interactive educational experiences. The purpose of the program is to equip unmarried mothers and fathers with skills for making healthy decisions and to explore future options for their relationship including the potential of getting married. New parents will learn skills for parenting together and strengthening their family unit. You might want to do some of these lessons with your family.

Help your pregnant daughter with: Finding community resources

The other day we posted about the topic "How much should parents help their pregnant single daughter?"We've received this question is various forms. Another way this has been phrased is "How does a mom support her pregnant daughter?" Keywords we've seen on our statistics include phrases like "helping your pregnant daughter." That post focused on the minimum basics of safe housing, nutrition, and medical care. Today let's talk about some other help beyond the minimum basics.

Beyond the minimum basics of housing, nutrition, and medical care, parents of a pregnant teen or college student should consider how they might help with these goals:

1. Helping your daughter remain in school until graduation.
2. Preventing subsequent adolescent pregnancies.
3. Improving parenting skills.
4. Locating and using community resources. (Today's topic)
5. Stabilizing family support systems.
6. Strengthening employability skills and efforts to become economically self-sufficient.

Again, your motive of considering these kinds of help is not to reward your daughter's sexual activity and pregnancy outside of marriage, but to help get her on the road to independence and to help give your grandchild a better start in life. Today's topic is:

4. Locating and using community resources. The first thing that may leap to your mind is government services. There is usually a variety of things your local social services may be able to help your pregnant daughter with, but there are lots of other sources of help too.

First, see if you have a pregnancy help center near you. Contact OptionLine.org to be connected to your local pregnancy help center. They often can help your daughter by providing mentoring and education on: pregnancy, parenting, adoption and abortion. They may be able to help her with resources like maternity clothes, baby clothes, baby equipment, diapers and baby food. Pregnancy help centers often keep referral lists of other local resources that your family would find useful.

If you need help with medical care for your pregnant daughter or her child, see if she qualifies for Medicaid.

If you need help with groceries to encourage good nutrition for your pregnant daughter and her child, see if she qualifies for WIC (Women, Infants and Children).

If your daughter is not able to live with you or other family and friends during her pregnancy, see if there is a maternity home where she would like to live.

Look for support groups, Bible studies, and classes at local churches.

Find out what programs are available at local hospitals, public schools, and non-profit agencies. To find some local non-profit agencies, use the national United Way website to find your local United Way website; from there you can often browse through the membership directory to get ideas of agencies to call.

Non-voluntary Sexual Intercourse

According to the Fertility, Family Planning, and Reproductive Health of U.S. Women: Data from the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth. (PHS) 2006-1977. 174 pp.

In 2002, 8% of sexually experienced women 18–44 years of age reported that their first sexual intercourse was not voluntary.

+ Younger age at first sexual intercourse was associated with higher reporting of nonvoluntary first intercourse. 20% of women who first had intercourse before 15 years of age reported their first intercourse as not voluntary compared with 4% of women who first had intercourse at 20 years or over. This relationship between earlier first intercourse and higher reporting of nonvoluntary first intercourse is seen across Hispanic origin and race groups.

Nearly 23% of women aged 18–44 in 2002 had been forced to have intercourse at some time in their lives, about the same as seen in 1995.
+ About 5% of women were first forced to have intercourse at ages younger than 15 years; another 6% were first forced at ages 15–17 years and 4% at ages 18–19 years.
+ Women who were not living with both parents at age 14 were more likely to have experienced forced sexual intercourse at some time (31%) than women who lived with both parents (20%).

Talk to your daughter about these statistics. How old was she when she first had intercourse? Did she participate willingly? If not, make sure she gets counseling to heal this emotional wound, and medical care to check for STDs and any physical damage. If your pregnant daughter currently plans to be a single mother, brainstorm with her about ways that she can increase the protection of her child.


+ Of the women who reported that their FIRST sexual intercourse was not voluntary, 19% reported that they had been ‘‘pressured into it by his words or actions, but without threats of harm,’’ and this was the most common type of force.
+ The other types of force asked about, for example: 9% had been given alcohol or drugs, 8% reported ‘‘yes’’ to the item ‘‘Did what he said because he was bigger or grownup, and you were young,’’ 5% had been ‘‘physically held down,’’ and 3% had been ‘‘physically hurt or injured.’’

Talk with all your children about how they could try to get out of situations where they are being pressured to have sex by their partner's words or actions. What should they say? What should they do? Who should they later talk to about what happened?

Depression After Childbirth

We've written about postpartum depression previously, but it's a topic worth covering repeatedly.

A recent survey found that many Oklahoma women suffer from depression after childbirth. These results are likely very similar to what would be found in other areas too. Here is the text of a press release from the Oklahoma Department of Health, with commentary added:

One in four (25%) new mothers in Oklahoma report symptoms of maternal depression after giving birth, according to a recent study conducted by the Oklahoma State Department of Health (OSDH).

Using the Pregnancy Risk Assessment Monitoring System (PRAMS), an ongoing statewide survey of maternal behaviors and experiences, OSDH officials found that 40% of Oklahoma mothers did not discuss postpartum depression, or PPD, with their health care provider.

Of special concern were adolescent mothers, who were 2.5 times more likely to indicate symptoms of PPD as mothers age 35 and older.

“These findings are of major concern to health care professionals and should place families on alert to watch out for signs and symptoms of depression in new mothers,” said Secretary of Health and Commissioner of Health Dr. Michael Crutcher.

The symptoms of postpartum depression include:

• loss of interest in pleasure in life;
• change in appetite;
• less energy and motivation to do things;
• having a hard time falling asleep, staying asleep, or sleeping more than usual;
• increased crying and tearfulness;
• feeling worthless, hopeless or overly guilty;
• feeling restless, irritable or anxious;
• and having unexplained weight loss or gain.
• Additional symptoms include feeling like life isn’t worth living,
• having thoughts of hurting yourself or worrying about hurting the baby,
• or someone else hurting the baby.

Among the stressors found to increase the risk of depression symptoms are:

• arguing with a partner more than usual during pregnancy,
• having bills one cannot pay, and
• having an unintended pregnancy.
  

Additional highlights from the Oklahoma PRAMS survey on PPD include the following:

• Women ages 20 to 24 were twice as likely to indicate symptoms of depression when compared to women 35 or older.
• Women with infants placed in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) were at a higher risk for depression.
• Mothers are at special risk for postpartum depression when caring for infants born prematurely or infants with special health care needs.
• Women who did not receive a postpartum checkup were also at a higher risk for symptoms of postpartum depression when compared to women who did receive their postpartum checkup.
  

To address PPD, public health officials recommend the following:

Ask your daughter's doctor to screen your pregnant daughter for maternal depression before birth at a late-term prenatal visit.

Ask your daughter's doctor to screen your daughter for maternal depression at each doctor visit during the first year after the birth of her child.

Make sure your daughter understands the importance of returning for her postpartum checkup around six weeks after delivery.

If your daughter has an infant in the NICU, search for support groups near your home and in the hospital, and research more information on PPD.

Ask your Medicaid provider if there are any maternal and infant health licensed clinical social work services available to your daughter.

Ask your doctor, nurse, and hospital staff for education about PPD awareness, referrals for treatment and follow-up care.

Encourage new mothers with signs and symptoms of depression to call the PSI national hotline 1-800-944-4PPD. Information is also available at http://www.postpartum.net.

Ask your daughter's school counselors what support they can provide for pregnant and postpartum adolescents to cope with the stress of motherhood, schoolwork and feelings of isolation.

Teen Dating Abuse

A recent article on CNN.com, "Survey reveals abuse in teen relationships" summarizes a survey showing that teens and preteens endure a significant level of abuse in their dating relationships, and that most parents are unaware of the abuse. Go here on loveisrespect.orgto see a PDF with more details and more study results.

• "69% percent of teens who had sex by age 14 reported some type of abuse in a relationship, with slightly more than one-third saying they had been physically abused."


• About "10% of the teenagers surveyed said they had had sex by age 14, while 20 percent said they had sex between the ages of 15 and 16."


• Nearly 50% of 11-14 year olds say they have been in a dating relationship. When did these very young people start dating? These dating relationships began at age 10 or younger for 9% of those surveyed, at age 11-12 for 28% of respondants, at age 13-14 for 35% of respondants, at age 15-16 for 25% of those surveyed, and after the age of 16 for 3% of those surveyed.


• "20% of 13- or 14-year-olds in relationships say they know friends and peers who have been "struck in anger" by a boyfriend or girlfriend. 62% have friends who have been called stupid, worthless or ugly by their dates."


• "About 51% say they are aware of the warning signs of hurtful dating relationship."


• "54% said they would know what to do if a friend came to them for help."


• "Data reveals that early sexual activity appears to fuel dating violence and abuse among teenagers."


• More than 25% of tweens (age 11-14) AND parents say that sexual activity is a part of tween dating relationships. However, parents do not believe their own tween has engaged in these behaviors. 70% of parents who say they haven't talked to their tween about relationships say it is because their child is too young. However, take a look at the sexual activities tweens are engaging in:
  
  
  
  • 70% of tweens and 56% of parents say that kissing is a part of a tween (aged 11-14)dating relationship.
  
  
  • 49% of tweens and 39% of parents say that "making out" is a part of a tween (aged 11-14) dating relationship.
  
  
  • 37% of tweens and 31% of parents say that touching & "feeling up" is a part of a tween (aged 11-14) dating relationship.
  
  
  • 27% of tweens and 26% of parents say that oral sex is a part of a tween (aged 11-14) dating relationship.
  
  
  • 28% of tweens and 26% of parents say that sexual intercourse is a part of a tween (aged 11-14) dating relationship.


• Among 11-14 year olds who have been in a dating relationship,
  
  • 62% say they know friends who have been verbally abused (called names, put down, or insulted, whether in person or over a cellphone, instant message, or social networking site) by a boyfriend/girlfriend. Among teens who had sex by age 14, 61% had been been abused verbally by their partner. Among teens who had sex at age 15 or 16, 47% had been abused verbally by their partner. Among teens who had sex after age 16, 36% had been abused verbally by their partner.
  
  
  • 36% say they know friends who have been pressured by a boyfriend/girlfriend to do things they didn't want to do.
  
  
  • 16% say they know friends who have been hurt (kicked, hit, slapped or punched) by an angry partner . Among all teens who had sex by age 14, 69% report experiencing one or more types of relationship abuse. 34% of these tweens say they were physically abused by an angry partner (hit, kicked, or choked). Among all teens who had sex at age 15 or 16, 20% report experiencing physical abuse by their angry partner. Among all teens who had sex after age 16, 9% report experiencing physical abuse by their angry partner.
  
  
  • 15% say they know friends who have been pressured into having sex when they didn't want to. Among teens who had sex by age 14, 34% said they had been pressured into sex when they didn't want to. Among teens who had sex at age 15 or 16, 22% said they had been pressured into sex. Among teens who had sex after age 16, 15% said they had been pressured into sex when they didn't want to.
  
  
  • 13% say they know friends who have been pressured into having oral sex when they didn't want to. Among teens who had sex by age 14, 36% said they had been pressured into having oral sex when they didn't want to. Among teens who had sex at age 15 or 16, 20% had been pressured into oral sex. Among teens who had sex after age 16, 15% had been pressured into having oral sex.


• Being controlled by their dating partner is also reported.
  
  • 36% of teens report their partner wanted to know where they were all the time. 37% of teens report their partner wanted to know who they were with all the time. Among teens who had sex by age 14 (tweens), 58% report their partner wanted to know where they were, and 59% said their partner wanted to know who they were with all the time.
  
  
  • Other controlling behaviors included being told what to do, being pressured to do things they didn't want to to, the partner tried to prevent them from spending time with family and other friends, and the partner asked them to spend time only with him/her.
  
  
  • 23% of tweens know someone their own age who has had a partner threaten to spread rumors if they didn't do as they were told by the partner.
  
  
  • 29% of tweens know a peer who had a partner call to check up on them more than 10 times per day.
  
  
  • 24% of tweens know a peer who had a partner who texted to check up on them more than 20 times per day.
  
  
  • 18% of tweens know a peer who had a partner who called/texted to check up on them between the hours of midnight and 5am.
  
  
  • 9% of tweens know a peer who had a partner who shared private or embarassing pictures of them.
  
  
  • 8% of tweens know a peer who had a parter who made them afraid to not respond to a call/email/text message.

There is a LOT to talk about here!

• What is your definition of dating? What is your daughter's definition of dating?
• When does your daughter say she began dating? When did you think she began dating?
• What does your daughter think is abuse in a relationship? What do you think abuse is?
• What does your duaghter think are signs of power and control in a relationship? What do you think?
• Does your daughter know someone in her age group who has been abused in a dating relationship?
• Has your daughter been abused in a dating relationship? Is she currently being abused?
• What sexual activity does your daughter think is appropriate in a dating relationship at her age? What are your thoughts?
• Does your daughter know someone in her age group who has been pressured to do something they didn't want to do by a dating partner?
• Has your daughter been pressured by a dating partner to do something she didn't want to do? Is she currently being pressured?
• Does your daughter know a peer who has been pressured into having oral sex or sex when they didn't want to?
• Has your daughter been pressured into having oral sex or sex when she didn't want to? Is she currently being pressured?
• Does your daughter know a peer who has been controlled by a partner?
• Has your daughter been controlled by a dating partner? Is she currently being controlled?

Brainstorm with your daughter about ways that she can spot an abusive relationship. What should she do, who should she talk to?

If your daughter has been abused, or is being abused, get her the medical attention and counseling she needs.

Secrets

By blogging about alternative living arrangements such as maternity homes, and about adoption, we've touched painful places in people's lives. A Christian pregnant single faces difficult decisions no matter what she chooses: being a single mother can be difficult (see here, here, here, and here for example to see what challenges the single mother and child will need to solve), being married can be difficult (what relationship on earth does NOT have its ups and downs??), having an abortion can be difficult (see here, here and here), and making an adoption plan can be difficult. There are no easy paths, and these decisions affect not only the future physical, emotional and spiritual health of the woman and her child but also the baby's father, her family and the family of the baby's father. No decision should be made casually or quickly..they all require research, prayer, Godly input from outside sources, and time to think the decision over carefully.

Here are bits of the emails we got recently that we'd like to respond to.

As a Christian myself I was always raised with the belief that children were blessings from God. Certainly it was considered a sin to have sex outside of marriage, but that child was not the sin, simply the mother's actions. Certainly I'm not an adovcate of running around getting pregnant without being married, however it concerns me that you are encouraging parents (of WOMEN 25 and under...well above the legal minor age of 18), to continue to judge their daughters if they get pregnant.

We absolutely agree that children are a blessing from God. Psalm 127:3 is very clear about children, "Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him." Psalm 139 also discusses the wonder of children: "13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. 14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous – and how well I know it. 15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. 16 You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. " (NLT)

In this previous post (and this one, among others) we also agree that we should not love the sin, but should love the sinner. With social researchers and commentators saying that adolesence now persists into the mid 20s or even 30s (here and here, for example), with more and more college graduates (up to 50%) moving back in with their parents, with age 25 being the average age of marriage for women in America currently, parents of both teens and 20-somethings may find themselves with a pregnant single under their roof. Should these Christian parents be judging their daughters? (Matthew 7:1, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged." and Luke 6:37, "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.") So no, judging is not appropriate as Christians. But parents do have to evaluate actions and consequences as with any other situation (Proverbs 10:17; Hebrews 12:7-8; Hebrews 12:11; Revelation 3:19; and others). Christian families with pregnant singles do exist and some of them do desire advice from a Christian perspective. These are the families we're attempting to reach out to.

It seems as if your blog is promoting shame and secrecy, much like eras past where women were sent to maternity homes to hide their unwed pregnancies.

We definitely do not want to promote secrecy! Consider, though, that there are many reasons for a pregnant woman to live at a maternity home besides secrecy! Sometimes the pregnant woman is homeless for various reasons. Sometimes she needs to escape from damaging relationships. Sometimes she desires the in-depth counseling, education classes and skill building classes that many maternity homes offer. Sometimes she wants to live with other pregnant women so that she doesn't feel alone in her situation. Most maternity homes interview the pregnant woman...if she doesn't want to be there, they probably won't accept her into their program. Most maternity homes have waiting lists of women that actively want to be there and they will not allocate a bed to those who do not want the program they offer. As we mention in our post about maternity homes, "forcing" someone to live there makes many more long-term problems than it may solve short term.

Both the pregnant woman and her parents need to think and pray a lot about any decision about the preborn child where the main motivation is secrecy. In our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy," we talk several times about the fact that secrecy can be very damaging emotionally and spiritually. Two chapters, "Trying to Hide", and "Sharing with Family and Friends" in particular deal with this topic.

Thank you for reading our blog, we welcome your feedback!

Benefits of Delaying Sexual Debut - Executive Summary

Obviously if your daughter is pregnant, she has engaged in sexual activity (whether she desired to be or not). But past sexual activity does not mean she has to continue to be sexually active. She can choose sexual integrity for her future actions. Sexual integrity encompasses much more than abstaining from sex outside of marriage. Sexual integrity also includes being faithful to her future spouse inside of marriage (both physically and mentally), staying away from things that can damage her sexuality and self-worth (like pornography, internet flirting, phone sex, internet sex, etc.), and practicing self control so that she is able to be pure at times when her future husband is sick or deployed or on business travel. Here is a recent press release (from the Institute for Youth Development) and Executive Summary of a review of medical literature reporting results from studies which show the benefits of waiting for sex until marriage.

Scientific Evidence Supports Sexual Abstinence as the Best Choice for Prevention

Review Emphasizes the Benefits of Delaying Sexual Debut for Youth

Washington, DC (May 30, 2008) With all of the sexually permissive messages aimed at today’s adolescents from the mass media, America’s parents have made it clear that they desire a strong abstinence message for their children’s reproductive health education. “When scientific evidence continues to reveal that sexual abstinence provides youth with the best physical, psychological, social, and financial health, it’s hard to disagree with the vast majority of parents,” said Shepherd Smith, President of the Institute for Youth Development. “Research shows us when teenagers delay sexual initiation they have better life outcomes. From academic achievement to healthy relationships, the data is clear: Abstinence is the best choice for youth.”

Christopher Doyle, Behavioral Research Analyst with the Institute for Youth Development and author of the Benefits of Delaying Sexual Debut, presents a compelling argument in this comprehensive review of scientific and medical research. “It presents a convincing argument for postponing sex, while encompassing some of the theories that have not received enough attention in the abstinence community, such as adolescent brain development and its consequences for decision making, society’s inconsistent messages on sexuality and how it affects teens’ behavior, the research behind self-control, and the importance of healthy relationships for successful marriage and well-being,” said Smith. “This comprehensive overview will undoubtedly benefit all those who work in the field of youth development.”

Here is the Executive Summary.
Today’s adolescents have an array of challenges before them that previous generations never faced. Fifty years ago, there were only a handful of STIs; today, sexually active teens are at risk for acquiring over two dozen. At the same time, the age at first marriage has steadily risen by 20-25 percent, cohabitations have increased 6.5 times, and sex before wedlock has become the norm, not the exception. If that’s not enough, combine the 24 hour media circus with a billion dollar internet pornography industry, Victoria’s Secret at every shopping mall, and Hollywood’s sex-saturated messages broadcast in your living room, and you have a sex-on-demand culture being digested by our children every day.

As this review of literature shows, the range of benefits that postponing sex offers young people is scientifically proven, but in order for adolescents to embrace this message, these concepts need to be communicated effectively and often within public education. Surveys indicate that parents desire an abstinence message for their children; however, U.S. culture is simply not reinforcing this value, making it difficult for youth to understand the reasons why they should wait for sex. Thus, educational strategies should focus on the following conclusions that can be drawn from the benefits of delaying sexual debut.

Premarital sex has a negative impact on the physical health of adolescents, and typically hurts girls more than boys. Although sexually active young men are at risk to acquire STIs, females (especially younger girls) are more vulnerable to these infections because of their biological makeup. Girls are also more likely to suffer physical abuse in sexual relationships, and research indicates that adolescent females have a higher probability of contracting an STI when their romantic partner is substantially older. Typically, girls do not report using condoms as consistently as boys; and neither gender’s brain is developed enough to make reasoned, future- oriented decisions about contraception. Girls also tend to pay a much higher price than boys when it comes to teenage pregnancy, as they are often left to carry and raise the child on their own.

Some of these physical consequences may also play a role in the psychological health outcomes of sexually active youth. For example, adolescent girls who are abandoned by their boyfriend after learning of a pregnancy may become depressed with the prospect of raising a child alone. Women also tend to make more of an emotional investment in romantic relationships, which could lead them down the path of seeking love through sex; this in turn may result in the vicious cycle of repetition/compulsion. On the other hand, boys typically suffer psychological symptoms only when combining sexual activity with other high risk behaviors, such as drug and alcohol use; and both genders are more likely to think about and commit suicide if they have initiated sex, especially those at a young age. However, if young people wait to have sex until marriage, they avoid these risks, and stand to benefit from the social and financial advantages that abstinence offers.

One of the best social outcomes that results from abstinence is the occurrence of healthy relationships. When adolescents choose to wait, they avoid premarital sexual bonds with other partners. This in turn makes them far less likely to get involved in cohabitations, which is a major risk factor for future marital infidelity and divorce. Healthy marriages also benefit the well-being of each spouse (especially men), and provide a nurturing environment for children.

Another social benefit that stems from abstinence is increased financial stability. When adolescents avoid childbearing outside of marriage, they are able to focus their attention on educational pursuits and future careers, without having to sacrifice the time and money that a family demands. Although research has not demonstrated a clear causal relationship between early sex and delinquency, many studies show that when teenagers abstain, they are less likely to get enmeshed in a problem behavior syndrome that includes poor academic performance, substance use, and other risk behaviors. It may very well be that abstinence acts as a protective barrier, insulating teenagers from an array of harmful behaviors that have the potential to create future problems.

Although the data is not clear for every single outcome, research does demonstrate that delaying sexual debut has a significant impact on the physical, psychological, financial, and social health of young people. Parents and policy makers alike should continue to embrace abstinence as a primary message for sexual education, develop strategies based upon the existing data, while building upon new research that continues to evolve in adolescent sexual health.
--End of Executive Summary--

Read the entire review of literature HERE. (PDF file, Adobe Acrobat Reader required). I urge you to read this literature review and talk to your children about the research:

• Has your daughter suffered physical abuse at the hands of her romantic partners?
  
• Has your daughter been abandoned by the baby's father? If so, does the thought of raising her child alone make her feel depressed?
  
• How much of an emotional investment does she feel she makes in her romantic relationships? Does she feel she could be seeking love through sex?
  
• Has she combined sexual activity with other high risk behaviors, such as drug and alcohol use?
• Was she the person who initiated sex? How old was she at her first sexual encounter? Has she felt guilt about her sexual activity? Has she thought about suicide?
• What are her hopes and dreams about marriage?
• Does she feel she has emotional bonds to her sexual partners? If so, what impact does she imagine that will have on her future marriage?
• What are her thoughts and feelings about cohabitation, which is a major risk factor for future marital infidelity and divorce?

Make an effort to be more fair

A recent Newsweek article, "Getting Away With It", by Raina Kelley, summarizes research results that show that parents are indeed tougher on firstborns than on younger children. The articles says:

"As a result, the theory predicts that last-born and only children, knowing that they can get away with much more than their older brothers and sisters, are, on average, more likely to engage in risky behaviors," says University of Maryland economist Ginger Jin, one of three coauthors of the study.

This can spell trouble for your younger children as they become teens. The article continues:

As parents, you care about the welfare of your pregnant teenage daughter so you're going to help her out no matter what. You're not going to throw her and the baby out of the house. To a teen that looks like reward not punishment. So if your daughter can predict that you're going to help her, she is less likely to engage in safe behavior... But if there are lots of children in the house and the children aren't perfectly sure what their parents will do, they are much less likely to engage in behavior that will get them punished.

The article says that parents tend to punish older children who are engaging in risky behavior partly to set an example to the younger children, but that by the time the younger children reach that same age parents tend to fix the problem for the child instead of punishing. So make an extra effort with younger children to treat them consistently. If you've been overly harsh with older children, make an extra effort to be more fair instead of simply making examples out of them. Seek Godly counsel about your parenting decisions - there are a number of good parenting skills books out there for every phase of life; talk with your spouse before acting; bounce your ideas and frustrations off of mature Christian friends who can help you see other perspectives.

Obviously we need balance here. In what ways could you show that you love the person, but not their behavior? In what ways can you show that you disapprove of sex outside of marriage, but that you don't want your grandchild aborted? That you love your pregnant daughter, but that there are also consequences to every action in life? If your teen or college-aged daughter is having sex, what consequences have you imposed on her for this risky behavior? Or are you rewarding her for her risky behavior by protecting her from consequences? In what ways are you attempting to help her deal with negative peer pressure, and the influence of friends and media to engage in risky behavior?

Facts on Teen Abortion Risks

It may seem that a quick solution to your single daughter's pregnancy is a quiet abortion. But there are some long-term risks you need to talk about. Ask your daughter if she has had an abortion in her past. If so, talk to her about these risks...does she need counseling to help her recovery from the abortion trauma? The following list of risks to teens was published by The Elliot Institute:

• Teenagers are 6 times more likely to attempt suicide if they have had an abortion in the last six months than are teens who have not had an abortion.[1]
  
• Teens who abort are up to 4 times more likely to commit suicide than adults who abort,[2] and a history of abortion is likely to be associated with adolescent suicidal thinking.[1]
  
• Teens who abort are more likely to develop psychological problems,[3] and are nearly three times more likely to be admitted to mental health hospitals than teens in general.[4]
  
• About 40% of teen abortions take place with no parental involvement,[5] leaving parents in the dark about subsequent emotional or physical problems.
  
• Teens are 5 times more likely to seek subsequent help for psychological and emotional problems compared to their peers who carry “unwanted pregnancies” to term.[6]
  
• Teens are 3 times more likely to report subsequent trouble sleeping, and nine times more likely to report subsequent marijuana use after abortion.[6]
  
• Among studies comparing abortion vs. carrying to term, worse outcomes are associated with abortion, even when the pregnancy is unplanned.[6]
  

For more facts on teens and abortion, click here (Adobe Reader required).

Citations

1. B. Garfinkel, et al., “Stress, Depression and Suicide: A Study of Adolescents in Minnesota ,” Responding to High Risk Youth (University of Minnesota: Minnesota Extension Service, 1986)
2. M. Gissler, et. al., “Suicides After Pregnancy in Finland : 1987-94: register linkage study,” British Medical Journal, 313: 1431-1434, 1996; and N. Campbell , et. al., “Abortion in Adolescence,” Adolescence, 23:813-823, 1988.
3. W. Franz & D. Reardon, “Differential Impact of Abortion on adolescents and adults,” Adolescence, 27 (105), 172, 1992.
4. R. Somers, “Risk of Admission to Psychiatric Institutions Among Danish Women Who Experienced Induced Abortion: An Analysis Based on National Report Linkage” (Ph.D. Dissertation, Los Angeles: University of California, 1979, Disseration Abstracts International, Public Health 2621-B, Order No. 7926066)
5. “Teenage Pregnancy: Overall Trends and State-by-State Information,” Report by the Alan Guttmacher Institute, Washington , DC .
6. PK Coleman, “Resolution of Unwanted Pregnancy During Adolescence Through Abortion Versus Childbirth: Individual and Family Predictors and Psychological Consequences,” (2006).

A Generation at Risk

How Teens Are Coerced and Manipulated Into Abortion

by Amy Sobie & David C. Reardon

Editor's Note: The following article is excerpted from the Jan.-March 2000 issue of The Post-Abortion Review.

Gaylene was 14 when she became pregnant. Too embarrassed to go directly to her parents, she turned to her high school guidance counselor for advice. She writes:

[The school counselor] was sympathetic and understanding. He felt there was no need to worry my family. He also explained about having a child, how tough it would be on me and that I wouldn’t be able to do what I wanted to do. He said that the child would suffer because I was much too young to be a parent. He pointed out that the best thing for me to do was to abort the fetus at this stage so no one would be hurt. No mention was made of talking to my parents about this or carrying the baby to term. He indicated that adoption would be difficult and not an option for me.

. . . I felt as though I had no control over what was happening to me. I started to question what I was doing, but in my logic I’d refer back to what the counselor had told me, and then I would think he was right. But still today, I feel like I did not decide to have the abortion.¹

Gaylene’s traumatic reaction to her abortion experience included suicide attempts, alcoholism, drugs, crime, involvement in a cult and a major break with her family.

Sadly, Gaylene’s story is not unique. For teens, the possibility of developing psychological and emotional problems after abortion is substantially higher than for more mature women.² One reason that teenagers are more vulnerable is because their psychological defense mechanisms are not fully developed. Their emotional immaturity leaves them more susceptible to events and circumstances that can profoundly damage their view of the world, other people, and themselves. Consequently, abortion can be especially harmful for teens because this major, traumatic experience occurs at a critical time in the development of their self-identity.³

Researchers have found that teenagers who have abortions face a number of higher risks. For example, teens are more likely to feel pressured into abortion, to report being misinformed in pre-abortion counseling and to experience more severe psychological stress after abortion.⁴ They are also more likely to experience more intense feelings of guilt, depression and isolation after an abortion.⁵ In addition, while suicidal tendencies are higher for all women after abortion, teens are at an even greater risk for post-abortion suicide.⁶

Further, a study of teens with "unwanted" pregnancies found that teens who aborted were more likely to have subsequent trouble sleeping, to report using marijuana after abortion and to undergo treatment for psychological and emotional problems compared to those who carried to term.⁷

Deception and Misinformation

Many teens are simply not mature enough to understand the information they need to make such a life-impacting choice. As a result, in many cases they are not able to freely consent to an abortion.

Even some pro-abortion groups have acknowledged that teenagers need extra guidance when it comes to abortion. For example, a Planned Parenthood counseling guide stated that teenagers have few or limited problem solving skills; are more likely than adults to lack responsibility; are more vulnerable; are more anxious and distrustful; are lacking in knowledge; and have difficulty in communicating. As a result, “counselors need to be aware of and appreciate the fact that pregnancy counseling with teenagers can be very different from counseling adults . . . pregnancy counseling with teens is often a crisis situation.”⁸

Unfortunately, while Planned Parenthood counselors recognize the vulnerability of teens, they oppose laws that would give the parents of teens the opportunity to help them understand the risks of and alternatives to abortion. For counselors who seek to promote abortion as the best or even only solution, keeping teens away from loved ones who would counsel against abortion is an important part of maximizing their own influence.

This is why so many teens feel under such immense pressure to abort. Over and over, women who had abortion as teenagers use phrases like the following to explain how they ended up having an unwanted abortion.

My school counselor (Planned Parenthood counselor, teacher, pastor, boyfriend’s mom, etc.) told me that if I didn’t want my parents to find out, I would have to have an abortion . . .

My boyfriend threatened me if I didn’t abort.

Everyone told me I was too young to have a baby and that my only alternative was abortion.

Pressure to abort can also include coercion, emotional blackmail and violence from a sexual predator or even parents who want to make sure their daughter has an abortion.⁹

In addition, a secret abortion always disrupts family relationships. To protect their secret, teenagers must be constantly on the alert against any evidence or mood that may invite unwanted questions. They must hide feelings of depression, sadness, and even thoughts of suicide that might otherwise alert their parents to the problem. If they cannot repress these feelings, the source must remain hidden or their emotions transformed into anger and rebellion. This overarching need for secrecy accentuates their feelings of shame and will often lead to withdrawal from family intimacy and excursions into drugs, alcohol and destructive relationships.

Any of these problems can dramatically exacerbate normal family tensions. Kept in the dark, parents cannot know that their child is struggling to cope with his or her abortion experience. With no frame of reference for understanding their child’s disturbed behavior, parents are likely to become increasingly frustrated at being held at a distance. In turn, the parents’ frustrations are likely to fuel the distrust or rebellious nature of the teen because they “simply don’t understand” what he or she is going through.

Targeting Teens

Unfortunately school counselors, social workers and others in positions of authority can exert tremendous influence over a vulnerable teenager, steering and even coercing her into an unwanted abortion.

For example, William Hickey, a high school guidance counselor in Hatboro , Pennsylvania , was sued by the parents of a 16-year-old girl for circumventing the state’s parental consent law by arranging for the teen to have a secret abortion in New Jersey . The girl’s parents, Howard and Marie Carter, subsequently filed a lawsuit against Hickey and the Hatboro-Horsham school district, charging that Hickey pressured their daughter to have an abortion despite her expressed doubts and beliefs against abortion.

The Carters said that Hickey “engaged in a course of conduct which was inherently coercive, was intended to and did exert undue influence upon [a minor], and ensured that she refrain from discussing with her parents her pregnancy and whether to obtain an abortion.” They said that when their daughter told Hickey she had doubts about undergoing an abortion, he told her, “Someday you’ll look back on this and laugh.”

The lawsuit also stated that school officials refused to cooperate when asked to investigate the situation. Instead, the Carters say they were told that the school district “has deep pockets” to defend itself from a lawsuit. The case was eventually settled out of court.⁹

Other examples of manipulation and coercion abound. In 2002, a judge found Planned Parenthood negligent for failing to report the case of an abortion performed on a 13-year-old girl who was being sexually abused by her foster brother. The 23-year-old man took the girl to a Planned Parenthood abortion clinic in 1998, but Planned Parenthood did not notify authorities until the girl returned six months later for a second abortion. A lawsuit alleged that the girl was subjected to repeated abuse and a second abortion because Planned Parenthood failed to notify authorities of possible abuse when she had her first abortion. Her abuser was sentenced to five years in prison and lifetime probation.¹⁰

Conclusion

Unfortunately, there are few safeguards currently in place to protect teenagers from coerced abortions. As we pointed out in a previous issue, in states where parental consent is needed for an abortion, the judicial bypass system is seriously flawed.

Without a mechanism to provide for cross-examination of witnesses and the introduction of witnesses who would testify that the abortion is not in the girl’s best interests, how can judges make an informed decision? How can we be sure that the adults seeking permission for the young girl to abort without notifying her parents are not themselves manipulating or pressuring the girl to choose abortion?

In addition, as the Carter case discussed above demonstrates, even in states that require parental consent, it is all too easy for those pushing abortion to simply transport the girl across the state line. The Child Custody Protection Act would make it a federal crime for anyone except a parent or legal guardian to take a girl out of state for an abortion in order to avoid involvement in the situation by the girl’s parents.

Even this will only protect a few teens, however. Sadly, in many cases it is the parents who are pressuring or coercing their teenage daughters into abortion. Planned Parenthood, however, is remarkably silent regarding the problem of protecting teens from pressure or manipulation by parents who favor abortion. The only way to protect these teens is to pass laws that will make abortionists liable for failing to protect women, especially teens, from coerced abortions.

~~~

Originally published in The Post-Abortion Review 8(1) Winter 2000. Copyright 2000 Elliot Institute.

Citations

1. Reardon, D., Aborted Women, Silent No More ( Springfield , IL : Acorn Books, 2002) 37-38.
2. Rue, V. & Speckhard, A, “Post Abortion Trauma: Incidence & Diagnostic Considerations,” Medicine & Mind, 6: 57-75 (1991).
3. Deutsch, M., “Personality Factors, Self-Concept, and Family Variables Related to First Time and Repeat Abortion-Seeking Behavior in Adolescent Women.” Unpublished Doctoral Dissertation, Washington , D.C. : American University , 1982.
4. Franz, W. & Reardon, D., “Differential Impact of Abortion on Adolescents & Adults,” Adolescence, 27(105):162-172.
5. Biro, F., Wildey, L., Hillard, P., & Rauh, J., “Acute and Long-Term Consequences of Adolescents Who Choose Abortions,” Pediatric Annals, 15(10):667-672 (1986).
6. Mika Gissler, Elina Hemminki, Jouko Lonnqvist, "Suicides after pregnancy in Finland : 1987-94: register linkage study," British Medical Journal 313:14314, 1996; Campbell, N., Franco, K. & Jurs, S., “Abortion in Adolescence,” Adolescence, 23:813-823 (1988).
7. PK Coleman, “Resolution of Unwanted Pregnancy During Adolescence Through Abortion Versus Childbirth: Individual and Family Predictors and Psychological Consequences,” (2006).

8. Saltzman, L. & Policar, M., The Complete Guide to Pregnancy Testing and Counseling (Alameda, CA: Planned Parenthood, 1985) 113-114.

9. For more examples, see the book Giving Sorrow Words.
9. "Settlement announced in Pennsylvania Teen Abortion Case," press release from the American Center for Law & Justice, March 15, 2000.

10. "Planned Parenthood Found Negligent in Reporting Molested Teen's Abortion," Pro-Life Infonet, Dec. 26, 2002.

Abusive Relationships

Based on the search keywords in our stat logs, many parents are searching the web for information about how to help your pregnant single daughter get out of an abusive relationship. You might have noticed warning signs about her relationship, such as:

• unexplained bruises, broken bones, sprains, or marks


• excessive guilt or shame for no apparent reason


• secrecy or withdrawal from friends and family


• avoidance of school or social events with excuses that don't seem to make any sense

First, talk with your daughter about what an abusive relationship is. Here's an article with info for teens in an abusive relationship, and an excerpt from that article:

Abuse can sometimes be mistaken for intense feelings of caring or concern. It can even seem flattering. Think of a friend whose boyfriend or girlfriend is insanely jealous: Maybe it seems like your friend's partner really cares about him or her. But actually, excessive jealousy and controlling behavior are not signs of affection at all. Love involves respect and trust; it doesn't mean constantly worrying about the possible end of the relationship.

Abuse can be physical, emotional, or sexual. Slapping, hitting, and kicking are forms of physical abuse that can occur in both romances and friendships. Emotional abuse (stuff like teasing, bullying, and humiliating others) can be difficult to recognize because it doesn't leave any visible scars. Threats, intimidation, putdowns, and betrayal are all harmful forms of emotional abuse that can really hurt — not just during the time it's happening, but long after too.

Ask your daughter is she is being slapped, hit or kicked. Ask her if she is being teased, bullied, or humiliated. Ask her if someone is threatening her or intimidating her, especially if there are threats that she will be harmed if she tries to leave the relationship. Ask her if the partner is trying to control her (what she wears, where she goes, who she talks to, etc.). Ask her if the person is making unwanted sexual advances, including saying things like "If you loved me, you would do ______."

Your daughter must first learn to realize that she is worthy of being treated with respect. She must learn to realize that the abuse is not her fault, that she does not deserve it. Listen to your daughter without judgement and ask her to explain the nature of her relationship. Affirm her that it takes courage to stop abuse and that she has your full support. Your daughter must learn to see that the relationship is dangerous for her. You will probably need a lot of patience in this process because many abused women are afraid to leave the relationship because of prior threats or because they are dependent on the abuser financially or emotionally. Is your daughter afraid that she will be judged by you (or friends or family) if she leaves this relationship? Is she afraid no one else can love her, so abuse is tolerable because of the positive moments? Help your daughter find the counseling she needs. Take her to the doctor for a physical examination, and to record any injuries. Together, seek counsel about her legal situation... should she press charges? Should she seek a restraining order?

For more information, look at the National Domestic Violence Hotline website, or call them at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) available 24 hours a day. For teens, look at the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline website, or call them at 866-331-9474.

Rebekah's Story

This is the real story of a young woman named Rebekah who was single and pregnant.

I am a living example of how being a born again Christian does not shield you from Satan’s power, if you do not walk with the Lord. My dad was a missionary pilot in the Philippines. I am a Bible college graduate. I was saved when I was 15 years old.

Yet a few years after graduating from college, I was in a good job, driving a nice sports car and had lost sight of God in the midst of my success. I became a very lonely person, spending my time looking for happiness in other areas of my life … partying, excessive drinking, sexual impurity, and looking for fulfillment with the wrong kind of men. Two years ago, after a long series of selfish choices, I had reached a point in a “roller coaster” of life where everything I had ever be