Dating Violence: Power and Control

February is awareness month for dating violence. BreakTheCycle.org points out that "the core of dating violence are issues of power and control." Talk to your kids about how "violent words and actions are tools an abusive partners uses to gain and maintain power and control over his or her partner."

Talk about these kinds of power and control:

Peer pressure: for example, threatening to expose someone's weakness, spreading rumors, telling lies about a person to their peer group.

Anger and emotional abuse: putting you down, making you feel badly about yourself, name calling, making you think you are crazy, mind games, humiliating you, making you feel guilty.

Using social status: treating you like a servant, the controlling partner making all the decisions, the controlling partner being the only one allowed to define men's and women's roles.

Intimidation: making you afraid by using looks, actions or gestures. Smashing things, destroying property, abusing pets, displaying weapons.

Minimize/Deny/Blame: the controlling partner making light of the abuse and not taking seriously your concerns about the situation, saying the abuse didn't happen, shifting responsibility for abusive behavior, saying that you caused the abusive behavior.

Threats: Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt someone. Threatening to leave, to commit suicide, to report you to the police. Making you drop charges. Making you do illegal things.

Sexual Coercion: Manipulating or making threats in order to get sex, getting a girl pregnant in order to control her, threatening to take the children away, getting you drunk or drugged in order to have sex.

Isolation/Exclusion: Controlling what you do, controlling who you see or talk to, controlling what you read, controlling where you go. Limiting outside involvement from others. Using jealousy to justify actions.

If your child is being controlled in a relationship, please get them help. Tell your child you are concerned for their safety. Point out that what they are experiencing is not normal and that they deserve a safe relationship. Stress that you are on their side and that no one deserves to be abused. Help them develop a safety plan.

Teen Dating Abuse Awareness Month

February is awareness month for Teen Dating Abuse.

Break the Cycle says that as many as one in three teens will experience abuse in a dating relationship; and one in four eighth and ninth grade students reported being victims of dating violence.

Talk to your daughter about this video.

Monitoring your kids online

A news article titled "Houston teen's Myspace page reveals sex with adult, pregnancy fears" tells the story of a mother of a 14-year-old girl. The mother "often checks her daughter's page to check for risky behavior or contact with strangers, and it's even more amazing to her that such information was found on the main page for anyone to see. The mom always figured she'd find trouble in the "sent messages" or "inbox" where messages are sent privately between two Myspace users."

Monitoring your teen's online activities is a very good idea. Let your teens know that you will be checking their blog or other accounts. Discuss rules about online behavior with them (what kinds of information they post, what kinds of pictures, etc.) and rules about meeting online contacts in real life. We posted about "Sex and Technology" previously, giving tips and statistics. MySpace offers parents a few safety tips here.

The mother called the teen home from a friends house and sat down to talk with her. "The two had never even discussed the girl becoming sexually active, and the mom says she was convinced her daughter hadn't reached that point yet."

Talk with your kids early and often about your values about alcohol, drugs, smoking, and sex. In a previous post called "Teen Sex: The Parent Factor", we said: "In a study of 700 teens in Philadelphia, 58% of teens reported being sexually active, while only 1/3 of their mothers believed they were." Have you directly asked your teens if they are sexually active? What activities do you include in this... for example, many young teens mistakenly believe that oral sex is not sexual activity. So be specific in your questions and conversations!

The news article continues, "The girl started to cry as she detailed for her mom that she was given alcohol while visiting a friend in Chambers County, east of Houston. She met a man from across the street and ended up crossing the street to talk with him, and the girl said the two ended up having sex." The mother then took her daughter to the police in order to file charges against the man but was shocked that the officer did not appear concerned and kept asking if the girl had agreed to the sexual activity. The article points out that, "In Texas, state law does not recognize that a child can give consent for sex with an adult. Statutory rape charges, felony charges of Sexual Assault of a Child, can be filed against an adult regardless of whether the child was coaxed or tricked into agreeing to sex." The article closes by saying that the mother hasn't been able to get the police to file charges.

If your underage daughter has been exploited by an adult, definitely pursue legal charges against the man. In addition, get your daughter medical attention and also counseling to help her process the situation.

Murder Is #1 Cause Of Death For Pregnant Women

In Maryland, murder is the number one cause of death for pregnant women, reports WJZ.com news.

The article says that the victims are typically young, single and African-American.

The perpetrator is typically the baby's father. Why does he kill his pregnant girlfriend? He is seeking to end her pregnancy.

Maryland is among the 36 states that have a law that allows prosecutors to charge the killer of a pregnant woman with two deaths: the woman, and the child she is carrying.

Talk to your single pregnant daughter about her relationship with the baby's father. Has he been strongly against her giving birth? Has he been pushing her to get an abortion? Has he threatened her? What was their relationship like before she became pregnant - was he abusive or violent even then? Ask your pregnant daughter to tell you immediately if the baby's father is threatening toward her, and then seek help from the police right away.

Teens and Dating Violence

According to the ABC news article linked in the title of this post, "one in 10 high school girls report being abused by a boyfriend, according to the Department of Justice. And high school girls are exposed to three times more abuse in relationships than adult women."

The National Violence Prevention Resource Center outlines warning signs for parents:

• Does the individual have unexplained bruises, scratches, or injuries?
• Do you see signs that the individual is afraid of his/her boyfriend or girlfriend?
• Does the boyfriend or girlfriend seem to try to control the individual’s behavior, making all of the decisions, checking up on his/her behavior, demanding to know who the individual has been with, and acting jealous and possessive?
• Does the boyfriend or girlfriend lash out, criticize, or insult the individual?
• Does the individual apologize for the boyfriend or girlfriend’s behavior to you and others?
• Has the individual casually mentioned the boyfriend or girlfriend’s temper or violent behavior, but then laughed it off as a joke?
• Have you seen the boyfriend or girlfriend be abusive towards other people or things?
• Does the individual seem to have lost interest or to be giving up things that were once important? Has he/she lost interest in school or other activities?
• Has the individual's appearance or behavior suddenly changed?
• Has the individual stopped spending time with friends and family?
• Have you seen sudden changes in the individual’s mood or personality. Is the individual becoming anxious or depressed, acting out, or being secretive? Is the individual avoiding eye contact, having ‘crying jags’ or getting ‘hysterical?’
• Has the individual recently started using alcohol or drugs?

How can you talk to your kids about dating violence? The Katie Brown Education Program offers these tips:

1. Think about the things you value in your own relationships - then share them with your kids.
How do we, as adults, expect men and women to act? How should people behave if they disagree? How should decisions be made in a relationship? Be sure that you can explain your reasoning and can support it with examples.

2. Reveal the "Unspoken Rules of Dating". Don't assume that your son or daughter knows how to behave in a dating relationship. Give them clear examples of appropriate manners, actions, etc. It's important to talk with them about what you expect of them, rather than letting locker room or slumber party talk be their only source of information.

3. Tell the whole truth...good and bad. Young people generally view dating very romantically - they are excited and expect their relationships to be filled only with pleasure and happiness. Support these expectations, but discuss some of the less positive things that may happen. It can be challenging to know how to act when strong feelings are involved, but give them a few suggestions or phrases to help them get out of difficult situations. For instance, "I'm not comfortable with this - can we talk about it?"

4. Teach assertiveness, not aggressiveness. One of the most powerful things we learn from our parents is to speak up for ourselves - to state our feelings, opinions, and desires clearly. Compliment your kids when they respectfully assert themselves.

5. Teach anger control. It's not realistic to assume that everyone will get along all the time. Help your kids recognize when they're getting angry and teach them to take a moment to stop and think before they act on that anger.

6. Teach negotiation. Help your teens to understand that compromising and "taking turns" are positive steps to healthy relationships. Also help them to understand that violence, threats, and insults have no place in respectful relationships.

7. Teach problem solving. When your teen is confronted with a tough issue, have them talk through exactly what happened and what may have caused the situation. Work with them to identify several different ways in which the situation may be resolved. Follow up with them to see which solution they chose and how it is working out.

8. Explain the WARNING SIGNS (above). No relationship goes smoothly at all times. However, there are signs that a relationship has more than the usual ups and downs. Know the warning signs, teach them to your kids, and help them to understand that any incidence of violence in a relationship is a predictor of very serious problems.

9. Keep no secrets. Let your kids know that while special shared thoughts are okay in a relationship, sometimes secrecy - particularly when it isolates them from other friends or family - can be the first sign of manipulation and coercion.

10. Be the ultimate role model. Talk the talk and walk the walk. If you want your kids to respect themselves and others, let them see your relationships as the ultimate examples of healthy relationships.

Health Risk Behaviors on MySpace

The Time magazine article linked in the title of this post summarizes a recent research study that looked at 500 MySpace profiles of American 18 years olds. "Nearly 54% of the selected profiles revealed details about risky sexual lifestyles, drug addictions and violent encounters with peers."

The Time summary points out that the research approach employed here seems unrealistic, but still shows that teens may be oversharing personal information on the Internet. Are your children being safe on social sites such as MySpace, Facebook, Xanga, and others? Internet predators are real. Time magazine had another article titled "How safe is MySpace?" which said "a survey conducted by the Crimes Against Children Research Center at the University of New Hampshire found that nearly 1 in 5 kids had received unwanted sexual solicitations over the Internet. And a March 2006 survey partly funded by the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children reported that 14% of teens have actually met face to face with someone they had known only through the Internet. "

Ask to see your children's profile, and read the comments that others leave on your children's pages. This is not an invasion of privacy because your children are sharing this information with strangers on the Internet. Talk to your kids about their safety and the dangers of meeting people they know only from the Internet, especially if this person is a romantic connection.

Talk about Twilight, the movie

A recent Breakpoint message "BreakPoint: Conversations with Your Daughter, 11/26/08" had some interesting talking points related to the hit movie Twilight that carry over very well into the topics of this blog.

The article says:

1. It is not romantic, or safe, when a boy spies on you, follows you, and sneaks into your room without your knowledge (and especially without your parents’ knowledge).
2. It is not romantic, or safe, when someone tells you he’s dangerous and he’s killed people, to give answers like, “It doesn’t matter,” and, “I’m not afraid.” Again, I’ve worked with repentant murderers in prison. I know firsthand that redemption is possible for them. But that doesn’t mean that what they’ve done doesn’t matter.
3. It is not romantic, or safe, to try to see how close you and your boyfriend can get to the edge of danger without going over.
4. And it is not romantic, or safe, to offer yourself up for a boy to do whatever he wants to you—symbolized in the movie by the young heroine asking the vampire to bite her so she can become like him.

Talk to your daughter about romance. What does she consider romantic? What do you consider to be appropriate romance at her age? What conditions does she attach to various romantic pursuits? What is the difference between true love, lust, and infatuation? How can she protect her physical and emotional safety better?

Has your daughter been threatened?

Ebony Chatell Robinson, 21, was pregnant and found dead in December 2007. She was expecting to give birth to a boy in January 2008. The baby's father (aged 39) had threatened her when he found out she was pregnant, and later followed up on that threat by shooting Ebony in the chest three times. He plead guilty to first-degree murder.

News stories of this kind are all too common. Ask your pregnant daughter if she has been threatened by the baby's father. If so, take this seriously. His anger may blow over. But better safe than sorry, so take steps to protect your daughter if she has been threatened. Talk to your local police or to a lawyer to see what legal steps you can take to increase her safety. Brainstorm ways that your daughter can avoid being alone with the person who has threatened her.

Protect your daughter

A recent news article titled "Jury reaches verdict in death of pregnant teen" summarizes the story of Chelsea Brooks, a 14-year-old girl who was nine months pregnant when she was murdered in 2006. The baby's father was 22. It appears that the girl's parents had received a court order for the baby's father to stay away from their daughter, because he was convicted of "violating a protection from abuse order." In addition, the baby's father was convicted of capital murder, "kidnapping, rape of a child under age of 14, ... and indecent liberties with a child."

If your pregnant daughter is a minor and the baby's father is not a minor, talk to a lawyer about the statuatory rape laws for your state and pray about whether you should press charges. If your pregnant daughter has been abused by the baby's father, talk to a lawyer about a court order for her protection. Take time to consider the physical safety of your daughter if the baby's father poses a threat. The greater the age difference between your teen daughter and the male she is dating, the more possibility that he is in a threatening or controlling position over her. Don't allow your teen daughter to date anyone more than 3 years older than herself.

Episode 9 - Secret Life of the American Teenager

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch some of the episodes online here (click the tab called "Full Episode"). Here are a few points from Episode 9, with some items to discuss with your teens.

Amy's mom and Ben's dad are talking over pizza.

Amy's mom says (about Amy's pregnancy), "I want this not to be happening." Most people surrounding a pregnant single (including the pregnant woman herself) experience a grief cycle centered on the pregnancy. If you can realize where you are in the grief cycle, it will help you cope with the emotions you're feeling instead of being bewildered about why you're feeling the way you do. The grief cycle starts with shock and denial, where you say "I can't believe this is happening." Next are anger and bargaining. After that is depression. Finally you should start to move towards acceptance. You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Hearing the Shocking News" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" to learn more about the grief cycle surrounding pregnancy.

Ben's dad says, "But it is. And it's going to be happening whether she goes to extension class or she's homeschooled or goes back to her old school." Your pregnant daughter probably has a few choices to help her finish her current educational program. With her, research all the options and write out the pros and cons of each. But finishing her education is very important for the future of everyone involved, so she needs to pick an option and follow through.

Amy's mom says, "I can't even get her to leave the house anymore." Ben's dad responds, "She's got to get over that. She can't hide her face in shame. What happened, happened. .... You'll get through this and Amy will get through this. Don't let her hide from people, and don't you hide from people. ... Don't let Amy feel like she's any less of a person than she was before this happened. Because she's not, and neither are you." You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Trying to hide", "Where will we be in a year?" and "Our hope for the next five years" to help you put the current crisis into a longer-term perspective.

Amy is talking to her dad about her not wanting to return to school because kids at her school are mean. It is likely that your family will feel uncomfortable in your current social circles. You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Forgiving unkind acquaintances" for strategies to deal with mean people. Talk to your pregnant daughter about the kids at her school. Is she in physical danger there? What hurtful things are people saying to her or about her? Get your daughter counseling to help heal these emotional wounds, and take any steps necessary to safeguard her physical safety at school.

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy also has a discussion guide for episode 9 (pdf).

We blogged about each episode in season one: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.

Teen Dating Abuse

A recent article on CNN.com, "Survey reveals abuse in teen relationships" summarizes a survey showing that teens and preteens endure a significant level of abuse in their dating relationships, and that most parents are unaware of the abuse. Go here on loveisrespect.orgto see a PDF with more details and more study results.

• "69% percent of teens who had sex by age 14 reported some type of abuse in a relationship, with slightly more than one-third saying they had been physically abused."


• About "10% of the teenagers surveyed said they had had sex by age 14, while 20 percent said they had sex between the ages of 15 and 16."


• Nearly 50% of 11-14 year olds say they have been in a dating relationship. When did these very young people start dating? These dating relationships began at age 10 or younger for 9% of those surveyed, at age 11-12 for 28% of respondants, at age 13-14 for 35% of respondants, at age 15-16 for 25% of those surveyed, and after the age of 16 for 3% of those surveyed.


• "20% of 13- or 14-year-olds in relationships say they know friends and peers who have been "struck in anger" by a boyfriend or girlfriend. 62% have friends who have been called stupid, worthless or ugly by their dates."


• "About 51% say they are aware of the warning signs of hurtful dating relationship."


• "54% said they would know what to do if a friend came to them for help."


• "Data reveals that early sexual activity appears to fuel dating violence and abuse among teenagers."


• More than 25% of tweens (age 11-14) AND parents say that sexual activity is a part of tween dating relationships. However, parents do not believe their own tween has engaged in these behaviors. 70% of parents who say they haven't talked to their tween about relationships say it is because their child is too young. However, take a look at the sexual activities tweens are engaging in:
  
  
  
  • 70% of tweens and 56% of parents say that kissing is a part of a tween (aged 11-14)dating relationship.
  
  
  • 49% of tweens and 39% of parents say that "making out" is a part of a tween (aged 11-14) dating relationship.
  
  
  • 37% of tweens and 31% of parents say that touching & "feeling up" is a part of a tween (aged 11-14) dating relationship.
  
  
  • 27% of tweens and 26% of parents say that oral sex is a part of a tween (aged 11-14) dating relationship.
  
  
  • 28% of tweens and 26% of parents say that sexual intercourse is a part of a tween (aged 11-14) dating relationship.


• Among 11-14 year olds who have been in a dating relationship,
  
  • 62% say they know friends who have been verbally abused (called names, put down, or insulted, whether in person or over a cellphone, instant message, or social networking site) by a boyfriend/girlfriend. Among teens who had sex by age 14, 61% had been been abused verbally by their partner. Among teens who had sex at age 15 or 16, 47% had been abused verbally by their partner. Among teens who had sex after age 16, 36% had been abused verbally by their partner.
  
  
  • 36% say they know friends who have been pressured by a boyfriend/girlfriend to do things they didn't want to do.
  
  
  • 16% say they know friends who have been hurt (kicked, hit, slapped or punched) by an angry partner . Among all teens who had sex by age 14, 69% report experiencing one or more types of relationship abuse. 34% of these tweens say they were physically abused by an angry partner (hit, kicked, or choked). Among all teens who had sex at age 15 or 16, 20% report experiencing physical abuse by their angry partner. Among all teens who had sex after age 16, 9% report experiencing physical abuse by their angry partner.
  
  
  • 15% say they know friends who have been pressured into having sex when they didn't want to. Among teens who had sex by age 14, 34% said they had been pressured into sex when they didn't want to. Among teens who had sex at age 15 or 16, 22% said they had been pressured into sex. Among teens who had sex after age 16, 15% said they had been pressured into sex when they didn't want to.
  
  
  • 13% say they know friends who have been pressured into having oral sex when they didn't want to. Among teens who had sex by age 14, 36% said they had been pressured into having oral sex when they didn't want to. Among teens who had sex at age 15 or 16, 20% had been pressured into oral sex. Among teens who had sex after age 16, 15% had been pressured into having oral sex.


• Being controlled by their dating partner is also reported.
  
  • 36% of teens report their partner wanted to know where they were all the time. 37% of teens report their partner wanted to know who they were with all the time. Among teens who had sex by age 14 (tweens), 58% report their partner wanted to know where they were, and 59% said their partner wanted to know who they were with all the time.
  
  
  • Other controlling behaviors included being told what to do, being pressured to do things they didn't want to to, the partner tried to prevent them from spending time with family and other friends, and the partner asked them to spend time only with him/her.
  
  
  • 23% of tweens know someone their own age who has had a partner threaten to spread rumors if they didn't do as they were told by the partner.
  
  
  • 29% of tweens know a peer who had a partner call to check up on them more than 10 times per day.
  
  
  • 24% of tweens know a peer who had a partner who texted to check up on them more than 20 times per day.
  
  
  • 18% of tweens know a peer who had a partner who called/texted to check up on them between the hours of midnight and 5am.
  
  
  • 9% of tweens know a peer who had a partner who shared private or embarassing pictures of them.
  
  
  • 8% of tweens know a peer who had a parter who made them afraid to not respond to a call/email/text message.

There is a LOT to talk about here!

• What is your definition of dating? What is your daughter's definition of dating?
• When does your daughter say she began dating? When did you think she began dating?
• What does your daughter think is abuse in a relationship? What do you think abuse is?
• What does your duaghter think are signs of power and control in a relationship? What do you think?
• Does your daughter know someone in her age group who has been abused in a dating relationship?
• Has your daughter been abused in a dating relationship? Is she currently being abused?
• What sexual activity does your daughter think is appropriate in a dating relationship at her age? What are your thoughts?
• Does your daughter know someone in her age group who has been pressured to do something they didn't want to do by a dating partner?
• Has your daughter been pressured by a dating partner to do something she didn't want to do? Is she currently being pressured?
• Does your daughter know a peer who has been pressured into having oral sex or sex when they didn't want to?
• Has your daughter been pressured into having oral sex or sex when she didn't want to? Is she currently being pressured?
• Does your daughter know a peer who has been controlled by a partner?
• Has your daughter been controlled by a dating partner? Is she currently being controlled?

Brainstorm with your daughter about ways that she can spot an abusive relationship. What should she do, who should she talk to?

If your daughter has been abused, or is being abused, get her the medical attention and counseling she needs.

Abusive Relationships

An article on ScienceDaily.com, "Teen Girls Report Abusive Boyfriends Try To Get Them Pregnant" summarizes a study "based on interviews with 61 girls from a variety of racial and ethnic backgrounds with a known history of intimate partner violence living in the poorest neighborhoods in Boston. The analysis included 53 girls between the ages of 15 and 20 who reported being sexually active and involved in relationships that included recurring patterns of physical, sexual or emotional abuse from a male partner. Twenty-six percent of these girls reported that their partners were actively trying to get them pregnant by manipulating condom use, sabotaging birth control use and making explicit statements about wanting them to become pregnant."

Talk to your daughter about the study mentioned above.

• Has her partner ever hit, pushed, shoved, or otherwise physically hurt her?
• Has her partner ever threatened physical violence against her?
• Has her partner ever sexually abused her?
• Has her partner told her he is trying to get her pregnant?
• Has her partner emotionally abused her? For example, by calling her names or humiliating her in front of others?
• Does your daughter need help escaping from this relationship?

If your daughter's partner is abusive, discuss with her what steps you both can take to improve her physical safety. Should a restraining order be sought against the partner? Also help your daughter get the counseling she needs so that she can address the mental wounds she has received and heal so that she does not find herself in another abusive relationship.

Finishing High School

In late April of this year, an article titled "Special Schools for Pregnant Girls?" discussed an alternative school in Boise, Idaho, the Marian Pritchett School. The article discusses, among other things, the apparent trade-off between stronger academics at regular schools, and the possibly weaker academics but bonus special programs of alternative schools, such as classes about business, parenting skills, and family law, and the special accommodations that alternative schools offer pregnant and parenting girls. These special schools often help pregnant girls get a GED (or possibly a diploma) instead of dropping out of school due to pregnancy.

If remaining in her current school, does your daughter have concerns about her safety there? Does she worry, like Alicia Mattocks in the above article, "that bullies might purposely slam her into a locker and that a teacher's rules wouldn't allow frequent bathroom runs"? Talk to her school's administrators and find out what concessions are available for pregnant girls, or those who are parenting. Are there excused absences available so that she can attend her many prenatal care appointments? Will the school allow her to breastfeed her baby at school after birth? or must she pump the milk and store it for later? If she must pump, is there a refrigerator available for milk storage? Brainstorm with your daughter the pros and cons to each of the education options she has available to her. Make a concrete plan of how she will finish her high school education at a minimum.

Is the baby's father a gang member?

This recent report in the American Journal of Epidemiology finds that Latino girls (aged 14-19) whose boyfriend is in a gang are "twice as likely as their peers to become pregnant" (United Press International). Young girls who date a man who has been in jail in the past are also more likely than their peers to become pregnant. The report also points out that these girls face a higher risk of sexually transmitted diseases. These findings, while based on research on Latino girls, are likely similar to trends in other ethnicities.

Ask your daughter about the men she is dating. Do her dates belong to a gang? Do they have a history of being arrested or being in jail? If so, make sure your daughter is tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Talk to your daughter about her physical safety. Does a gang boyfriend put her safety at risk? If so, what steps can you take to improve her safety? Appendix A "Parental Authority Over A Minor" of our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" outlines six actions that parents can consider when trying to protect their minor daughters from men who are dangerous to their daughter's well-being. Consider talking to a lawyer or the police about getting a restraining order if needed.

Abusive Relationships

Based on the search keywords in our stat logs, many parents are searching the web for information about how to help your pregnant single daughter get out of an abusive relationship. You might have noticed warning signs about her relationship, such as:

• unexplained bruises, broken bones, sprains, or marks


• excessive guilt or shame for no apparent reason


• secrecy or withdrawal from friends and family


• avoidance of school or social events with excuses that don't seem to make any sense

First, talk with your daughter about what an abusive relationship is. Here's an article with info for teens in an abusive relationship, and an excerpt from that article:

Abuse can sometimes be mistaken for intense feelings of caring or concern. It can even seem flattering. Think of a friend whose boyfriend or girlfriend is insanely jealous: Maybe it seems like your friend's partner really cares about him or her. But actually, excessive jealousy and controlling behavior are not signs of affection at all. Love involves respect and trust; it doesn't mean constantly worrying about the possible end of the relationship.

Abuse can be physical, emotional, or sexual. Slapping, hitting, and kicking are forms of physical abuse that can occur in both romances and friendships. Emotional abuse (stuff like teasing, bullying, and humiliating others) can be difficult to recognize because it doesn't leave any visible scars. Threats, intimidation, putdowns, and betrayal are all harmful forms of emotional abuse that can really hurt — not just during the time it's happening, but long after too.

Ask your daughter is she is being slapped, hit or kicked. Ask her if she is being teased, bullied, or humiliated. Ask her if someone is threatening her or intimidating her, especially if there are threats that she will be harmed if she tries to leave the relationship. Ask her if the partner is trying to control her (what she wears, where she goes, who she talks to, etc.). Ask her if the person is making unwanted sexual advances, including saying things like "If you loved me, you would do ______."

Your daughter must first learn to realize that she is worthy of being treated with respect. She must learn to realize that the abuse is not her fault, that she does not deserve it. Listen to your daughter without judgement and ask her to explain the nature of her relationship. Affirm her that it takes courage to stop abuse and that she has your full support. Your daughter must learn to see that the relationship is dangerous for her. You will probably need a lot of patience in this process because many abused women are afraid to leave the relationship because of prior threats or because they are dependent on the abuser financially or emotionally. Is your daughter afraid that she will be judged by you (or friends or family) if she leaves this relationship? Is she afraid no one else can love her, so abuse is tolerable because of the positive moments? Help your daughter find the counseling she needs. Take her to the doctor for a physical examination, and to record any injuries. Together, seek counsel about her legal situation... should she press charges? Should she seek a restraining order?

For more information, look at the National Domestic Violence Hotline website, or call them at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) available 24 hours a day. For teens, look at the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline website, or call them at 866-331-9474.

Is your pregnant daughter safe?

News from Italy on May 14 tells of a 14-year-old possibly pregnant girl (autopsy not finished at time of this post) who was murdered by the three boys who might have been the father of the baby. The boy's were afraid she would tell people that one of them was the father. So they killed her.

Also 14-years-old, Chelsea Brooks of Kansas (9 months pregnant) was murdered by a hit man hired by the father of the baby. That trial will start soon.

This ABC News story from 2005 discusses "Why Pregnant Women Are Targeted", and cites two horrible statistics:

A study published in the March 2005 edition of the American Journal of Public Health found that homicide was a leading cause of death among pregnant women in the United States between 1991 and 1999.

A 2001 study published by the Journal of the American Medical Association said 20 percent of Maryland women who died during pregnancy were murdered. Researchers found the same trend in New York from 1987-1991 and in the Chicago area from 1986-1989. According to the CDC, approximately 324,000 pregnant women are hurt by an intimate partner or former partner each year.

Why do men kill their pregnant partners? "The usual reason when it involves a man is the [unborn] baby. The baby is causing a complication in his life," said Pat Brown, profiler and chief executive officer of The Pat Brown Criminal Profiling Agency."

Consider talking to the father of your daughter's baby (and his family, if possible). Does he see the baby as "obstacle to the life he wants to lead, a burden, a lifelong obligation of child support"? If so, consider your daughter's physical safety. The article mentions that if the baby's father is trying to control your daughter, that this is a warning sign to keep in mind. Another ABC News story adds to this line of thought:

Despite the various motives, experts say all these killings have a common denominator: a need for control. Pregnancy can make domineering husbands and
boyfriends feel like they are no longer powerful and in control, especially in abusive relationships. Murder is the ultimate demonstration of control. "What we find with men who are violent toward their intimate partner is that he feels that he's lost control or possession over her or her body," said Cates. "He feels that he is not getting the attention that he deserves. He often feels … that he's lost his place to the baby."

Other reasons the father's baby may try to hurt your daughter include:

• He wants her to get an abortion, and she refuses
• He wants to keep the pregnancy secret
• He doesn't want to pay child support

Ask your daughter to be honest with you: Has her partner been abusing her verbally or physically? If so, get her the counseling and medical treatment she needs, and figure out what steps you need to take to keep her safe from the baby's father.

Should we press charges?

There has been much gossip and discussion around the pregnancy of 16-year old Jamie Lynn Spears since her boyfriend is several years older. Some pundits are saying that the boy should be charged with Statutory Rape. Regardless of your opinion on the Spears' matter, the law is different in every state and there is no single definition of the age of consent for sexual activity. Read this 2003 overview of state laws, from which the following quote is extracted:

Most states do not refer specifically to statutory rape; instead they use designations such as sexual assault and sexual abuse to identify prohibited activity. Regardless of the designation, these crimes are based on the premise that until a person reaches a certain age, he is legally incapable of consenting to sexual intercourse. Thus, instead of including force as a criminal element, theses crimes make it illegal for anyone to engage in sexual intercourse with anyone below a certain age, other than his spouse.

Under some very particular conditions, health care workers, social workers, and others are required to report underage sexual activity as child abuse. Read this 2004 Report which also details the conditions that must be met for an incident to be legally considered statuatory rape (see in particular, the state-by-state summary).

If your situation fits the requirements for your state, then pray, seek counsel (legal counsel and mental/spiritual health counseling), and spend a lot of time talking with your daughter before taking the serious step of pressing charges. Your situation may or may not warrant criminal charges against the father of your daughter's baby, so consider any action with the help of professionals who understand all the nuances. Certainly if your daughter is pregnant because of a coersive, abusive and/or illegal situation, get her the counseling she needs and investigate whether any steps need to be taken to increase her physical safety.

Bobby Cutts Jr. Found Guilty

Jessie Davis was dating Bobby Cutts, and was 9 months pregnant with a girl Jessie had named Chloe, Bobby's fourth child. They also had a 2.5 year old son, Blake. Not living together, apparently Bobby came to Jessie's house to pick up Blake and he says he accidently killed Jessie when she was slow to get Blake ready to leave. The prosecuters in the case argued that Bobby was overwhelmed by debt and child support committments; defense attorneys deny this motive.

What steps can you and your daughter take to improve her physical safety?