Episode 9 - Secret Life of the American Teenager

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch some of the episodes online here (click the tab called "Full Episode"). Here are a few points from Episode 9, with some items to discuss with your teens.

Amy's mom and Ben's dad are talking over pizza.

Amy's mom says (about Amy's pregnancy), "I want this not to be happening." Most people surrounding a pregnant single (including the pregnant woman herself) experience a grief cycle centered on the pregnancy. If you can realize where you are in the grief cycle, it will help you cope with the emotions you're feeling instead of being bewildered about why you're feeling the way you do. The grief cycle starts with shock and denial, where you say "I can't believe this is happening." Next are anger and bargaining. After that is depression. Finally you should start to move towards acceptance. You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Hearing the Shocking News" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" to learn more about the grief cycle surrounding pregnancy.

Ben's dad says, "But it is. And it's going to be happening whether she goes to extension class or she's homeschooled or goes back to her old school." Your pregnant daughter probably has a few choices to help her finish her current educational program. With her, research all the options and write out the pros and cons of each. But finishing her education is very important for the future of everyone involved, so she needs to pick an option and follow through.

Amy's mom says, "I can't even get her to leave the house anymore." Ben's dad responds, "She's got to get over that. She can't hide her face in shame. What happened, happened. .... You'll get through this and Amy will get through this. Don't let her hide from people, and don't you hide from people. ... Don't let Amy feel like she's any less of a person than she was before this happened. Because she's not, and neither are you." You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Trying to hide", "Where will we be in a year?" and "Our hope for the next five years" to help you put the current crisis into a longer-term perspective.

Amy is talking to her dad about her not wanting to return to school because kids at her school are mean. It is likely that your family will feel uncomfortable in your current social circles. You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Forgiving unkind acquaintances" for strategies to deal with mean people. Talk to your pregnant daughter about the kids at her school. Is she in physical danger there? What hurtful things are people saying to her or about her? Get your daughter counseling to help heal these emotional wounds, and take any steps necessary to safeguard her physical safety at school.

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy also has a discussion guide for episode 9 (pdf).

Teen Dating Abuse

A recent article on CNN.com, "Survey reveals abuse in teen relationships" summarizes a survey showing that teens and preteens endure a significant level of abuse in their dating relationships, and that most parents are unaware of the abuse. Go here on loveisrespect.orgto see a PDF with more details and more study results.

• "69% percent of teens who had sex by age 14 reported some type of abuse in a relationship, with slightly more than one-third saying they had been physically abused."


• About "10% of the teenagers surveyed said they had had sex by age 14, while 20 percent said they had sex between the ages of 15 and 16."


• Nearly 50% of 11-14 year olds say they have been in a dating relationship. When did these very young people start dating? These dating relationships began at age 10 or younger for 9% of those surveyed, at age 11-12 for 28% of respondants, at age 13-14 for 35% of respondants, at age 15-16 for 25% of those surveyed, and after the age of 16 for 3% of those surveyed.


• "20% of 13- or 14-year-olds in relationships say they know friends and peers who have been "struck in anger" by a boyfriend or girlfriend. 62% have friends who have been called stupid, worthless or ugly by their dates."


• "About 51% say they are aware of the warning signs of hurtful dating relationship."


• "54% said they would know what to do if a friend came to them for help."


• "Data reveals that early sexual activity appears to fuel dating violence and abuse among teenagers."


• More than 25% of tweens (age 11-14) AND parents say that sexual activity is a part of tween dating relationships. However, parents do not believe their own tween has engaged in these behaviors. 70% of parents who say they haven't talked to their tween about relationships say it is because their child is too young. However, take a look at the sexual activities tweens are engaging in:
  
  
  
  • 70% of tweens and 56% of parents say that kissing is a part of a tween (aged 11-14)dating relationship.
  
  
  • 49% of tweens and 39% of parents say that "making out" is a part of a tween (aged 11-14) dating relationship.
  
  
  • 37% of tweens and 31% of parents say that touching & "feeling up" is a part of a tween (aged 11-14) dating relationship.
  
  
  • 27% of tweens and 26% of parents say that oral sex is a part of a tween (aged 11-14) dating relationship.
  
  
  • 28% of tweens and 26% of parents say that sexual intercourse is a part of a tween (aged 11-14) dating relationship.


• Among 11-14 year olds who have been in a dating relationship,
  
  • 62% say they know friends who have been verbally abused (called names, put down, or insulted, whether in person or over a cellphone, instant message, or social networking site) by a boyfriend/girlfriend. Among teens who had sex by age 14, 61% had been been abused verbally by their partner. Among teens who had sex at age 15 or 16, 47% had been abused verbally by their partner. Among teens who had sex after age 16, 36% had been abused verbally by their partner.
  
  
  • 36% say they know friends who have been pressured by a boyfriend/girlfriend to do things they didn't want to do.
  
  
  • 16% say they know friends who have been hurt (kicked, hit, slapped or punched) by an angry partner . Among all teens who had sex by age 14, 69% report experiencing one or more types of relationship abuse. 34% of these tweens say they were physically abused by an angry partner (hit, kicked, or choked). Among all teens who had sex at age 15 or 16, 20% report experiencing physical abuse by their angry partner. Among all teens who had sex after age 16, 9% report experiencing physical abuse by their angry partner.
  
  
  • 15% say they know friends who have been pressured into having sex when they didn't want to. Among teens who had sex by age 14, 34% said they had been pressured into sex when they didn't want to. Among teens who had sex at age 15 or 16, 22% said they had been pressured into sex. Among teens who had sex after age 16, 15% said they had been pressured into sex when they didn't want to.
  
  
  • 13% say they know friends who have been pressured into having oral sex when they didn't want to. Among teens who had sex by age 14, 36% said they had been pressured into having oral sex when they didn't want to. Among teens who had sex at age 15 or 16, 20% had been pressured into oral sex. Among teens who had sex after age 16, 15% had been pressured into having oral sex.


• Being controlled by their dating partner is also reported.
  
  • 36% of teens report their partner wanted to know where they were all the time. 37% of teens report their partner wanted to know who they were with all the time. Among teens who had sex by age 14 (tweens), 58% report their partner wanted to know where they were, and 59% said their partner wanted to know who they were with all the time.
  
  
  • Other controlling behaviors included being told what to do, being pressured to do things they didn't want to to, the partner tried to prevent them from spending time with family and other friends, and the partner asked them to spend time only with him/her.
  
  
  • 23% of tweens know someone their own age who has had a partner threaten to spread rumors if they didn't do as they were told by the partner.
  
  
  • 29% of tweens know a peer who had a partner call to check up on them more than 10 times per day.
  
  
  • 24% of tweens know a peer who had a partner who texted to check up on them more than 20 times per day.
  
  
  • 18% of tweens know a peer who had a partner who called/texted to check up on them between the hours of midnight and 5am.
  
  
  • 9% of tweens know a peer who had a partner who shared private or embarassing pictures of them.
  
  
  • 8% of tweens know a peer who had a parter who made them afraid to not respond to a call/email/text message.

There is a LOT to talk about here!

• What is your definition of dating? What is your daughter's definition of dating?
• When does your daughter say she began dating? When did you think she began dating?
• What does your daughter think is abuse in a relationship? What do you think abuse is?
• What does your duaghter think are signs of power and control in a relationship? What do you think?
• Does your daughter know someone in her age group who has been abused in a dating relationship?
• Has your daughter been abused in a dating relationship? Is she currently being abused?
• What sexual activity does your daughter think is appropriate in a dating relationship at her age? What are your thoughts?
• Does your daughter know someone in her age group who has been pressured to do something they didn't want to do by a dating partner?
• Has your daughter been pressured by a dating partner to do something she didn't want to do? Is she currently being pressured?
• Does your daughter know a peer who has been pressured into having oral sex or sex when they didn't want to?
• Has your daughter been pressured into having oral sex or sex when she didn't want to? Is she currently being pressured?
• Does your daughter know a peer who has been controlled by a partner?
• Has your daughter been controlled by a dating partner? Is she currently being controlled?

Brainstorm with your daughter about ways that she can spot an abusive relationship. What should she do, who should she talk to?

If your daughter has been abused, or is being abused, get her the medical attention and counseling she needs.

Abusive Relationships

An article on ScienceDaily.com, "Teen Girls Report Abusive Boyfriends Try To Get Them Pregnant" summarizes a study "based on interviews with 61 girls from a variety of racial and ethnic backgrounds with a known history of intimate partner violence living in the poorest neighborhoods in Boston. The analysis included 53 girls between the ages of 15 and 20 who reported being sexually active and involved in relationships that included recurring patterns of physical, sexual or emotional abuse from a male partner. Twenty-six percent of these girls reported that their partners were actively trying to get them pregnant by manipulating condom use, sabotaging birth control use and making explicit statements about wanting them to become pregnant."

Talk to your daughter about the study mentioned above.

• Has her partner ever hit, pushed, shoved, or otherwise physically hurt her?
• Has her partner ever threatened physical violence against her?
• Has her partner ever sexually abused her?
• Has her partner told her he is trying to get her pregnant?
• Has her partner emotionally abused her? For example, by calling her names or humiliating her in front of others?
• Does your daughter need help escaping from this relationship?

If your daughter's partner is abusive, discuss with her what steps you both can take to improve her physical safety. Should a restraining order be sought against the partner? Also help your daughter get the counseling she needs so that she can address the mental wounds she has received and heal so that she does not find herself in another abusive relationship.

Finishing High School

In late April of this year, an article titled "Special Schools for Pregnant Girls?" discussed an alternative school in Boise, Idaho, the Marian Pritchett School. The article discusses, among other things, the apparent trade-off between stronger academics at regular schools, and the possibly weaker academics but bonus special programs of alternative schools, such as classes about business, parenting skills, and family law, and the special accommodations that alternative schools offer pregnant and parenting girls. These special schools often help pregnant girls get a GED (or possibly a diploma) instead of dropping out of school due to pregnancy.

If remaining in her current school, does your daughter have concerns about her safety there? Does she worry, like Alicia Mattocks in the above article, "that bullies might purposely slam her into a locker and that a teacher's rules wouldn't allow frequent bathroom runs"? Talk to her school's administrators and find out what concessions are available for pregnant girls, or those who are parenting. Are there excused absences available so that she can attend her many prenatal care appointments? Will the school allow her to breastfeed her baby at school after birth? or must she pump the milk and store it for later? If she must pump, is there a refrigerator available for milk storage? Brainstorm with your daughter the pros and cons to each of the education options she has available to her. Make a concrete plan of how she will finish her high school education at a minimum.

Is the baby's father a gang member?

This recent report in the American Journal of Epidemiology finds that Latino girls (aged 14-19) whose boyfriend is in a gang are "twice as likely as their peers to become pregnant" (United Press International). Young girls who date a man who has been in jail in the past are also more likely than their peers to become pregnant. The report also points out that these girls face a higher risk of sexually transmitted diseases. These findings, while based on research on Latino girls, are likely similar to trends in other ethnicities.

Ask your daughter about the men she is dating. Do her dates belong to a gang? Do they have a history of being arrested or being in jail? If so, make sure your daughter is tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Talk to your daughter about her physical safety. Does a gang boyfriend put her safety at risk? If so, what steps can you take to improve her safety? Appendix A "Parental Authority Over A Minor" of our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" outlines six actions that parents can consider when trying to protect their minor daughters from men who are dangerous to their daughter's well-being. Consider talking to a lawyer or the police about getting a restraining order if needed.

Abusive Relationships

Based on the search keywords in our stat logs, many parents are searching the web for information about how to help your pregnant single daughter get out of an abusive relationship. You might have noticed warning signs about her relationship, such as:

• unexplained bruises, broken bones, sprains, or marks


• excessive guilt or shame for no apparent reason


• secrecy or withdrawal from friends and family


• avoidance of school or social events with excuses that don't seem to make any sense

First, talk with your daughter about what an abusive relationship is. Here's an article with info for teens in an abusive relationship, and an excerpt from that article:

Abuse can sometimes be mistaken for intense feelings of caring or concern. It can even seem flattering. Think of a friend whose boyfriend or girlfriend is insanely jealous: Maybe it seems like your friend's partner really cares about him or her. But actually, excessive jealousy and controlling behavior are not signs of affection at all. Love involves respect and trust; it doesn't mean constantly worrying about the possible end of the relationship.

Abuse can be physical, emotional, or sexual. Slapping, hitting, and kicking are forms of physical abuse that can occur in both romances and friendships. Emotional abuse (stuff like teasing, bullying, and humiliating others) can be difficult to recognize because it doesn't leave any visible scars. Threats, intimidation, putdowns, and betrayal are all harmful forms of emotional abuse that can really hurt — not just during the time it's happening, but long after too.

Ask your daughter is she is being slapped, hit or kicked. Ask her if she is being teased, bullied, or humiliated. Ask her if someone is threatening her or intimidating her, especially if there are threats that she will be harmed if she tries to leave the relationship. Ask her if the partner is trying to control her (what she wears, where she goes, who she talks to, etc.). Ask her if the person is making unwanted sexual advances, including saying things like "If you loved me, you would do ______."

Your daughter must first learn to realize that she is worthy of being treated with respect. She must learn to realize that the abuse is not her fault, that she does not deserve it. Listen to your daughter without judgement and ask her to explain the nature of her relationship. Affirm her that it takes courage to stop abuse and that she has your full support. Your daughter must learn to see that the relationship is dangerous for her. You will probably need a lot of patience in this process because many abused women are afraid to leave the relationship because of prior threats or because they are dependent on the abuser financially or emotionally. Is your daughter afraid that she will be judged by you (or friends or family) if she leaves this relationship? Is she afraid no one else can love her, so abuse is tolerable because of the positive moments? Help your daughter find the counseling she needs. Take her to the doctor for a physical examination, and to record any injuries. Together, seek counsel about her legal situation... should she press charges? Should she seek a restraining order?

For more information, look at the National Domestic Violence Hotline website, or call them at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) available 24 hours a day. For teens, look at the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline website, or call them at 866-331-9474.

Is your pregnant daughter safe?

News from Italy on May 14 tells of a 14-year-old possibly pregnant girl (autopsy not finished at time of this post) who was murdered by the three boys who might have been the father of the baby. The boy's were afraid she would tell people that one of them was the father. So they killed her.

Also 14-years-old, Chelsea Brooks of Kansas (9 months pregnant) was murdered by a hit man hired by the father of the baby. That trial will start soon.

This ABC News story from 2005 discusses "Why Pregnant Women Are Targeted", and cites two horrible statistics:

A study published in the March 2005 edition of the American Journal of Public Health found that homicide was a leading cause of death among pregnant women in the United States between 1991 and 1999.

A 2001 study published by the Journal of the American Medical Association said 20 percent of Maryland women who died during pregnancy were murdered. Researchers found the same trend in New York from 1987-1991 and in the Chicago area from 1986-1989. According to the CDC, approximately 324,000 pregnant women are hurt by an intimate partner or former partner each year.

Why do men kill their pregnant partners? "The usual reason when it involves a man is the [unborn] baby. The baby is causing a complication in his life," said Pat Brown, profiler and chief executive officer of The Pat Brown Criminal Profiling Agency."

Consider talking to the father of your daughter's baby (and his family, if possible). Does he see the baby as "obstacle to the life he wants to lead, a burden, a lifelong obligation of child support"? If so, consider your daughter's physical safety. The article mentions that if the baby's father is trying to control your daughter, that this is a warning sign to keep in mind. Another ABC News story adds to this line of thought:

Despite the various motives, experts say all these killings have a common denominator: a need for control. Pregnancy can make domineering husbands and
boyfriends feel like they are no longer powerful and in control, especially in abusive relationships. Murder is the ultimate demonstration of control. "What we find with men who are violent toward their intimate partner is that he feels that he's lost control or possession over her or her body," said Cates. "He feels that he is not getting the attention that he deserves. He often feels … that he's lost his place to the baby."

Other reasons the father's baby may try to hurt your daughter include:

• He wants her to get an abortion, and she refuses
• He wants to keep the pregnancy secret
• He doesn't want to pay child support

Ask your daughter to be honest with you: Has her partner been abusing her verbally or physically? If so, get her the counseling and medical treatment she needs, and figure out what steps you need to take to keep her safe from the baby's father.

Should we press charges?

There has been much gossip and discussion around the pregnancy of 16-year old Jamie Lynn Spears since her boyfriend is several years older. Some pundits are saying that the boy should be charged with Statutory Rape. Regardless of your opinion on the Spears' matter, the law is different in every state and there is no single definition of the age of consent for sexual activity. Read this 2003 overview of state laws, from which the following quote is extracted:

Most states do not refer specifically to statutory rape; instead they use designations such as sexual assault and sexual abuse to identify prohibited activity. Regardless of the designation, these crimes are based on the premise that until a person reaches a certain age, he is legally incapable of consenting to sexual intercourse. Thus, instead of including force as a criminal element, theses crimes make it illegal for anyone to engage in sexual intercourse with anyone below a certain age, other than his spouse.

Under some very particular conditions, health care workers, social workers, and others are required to report underage sexual activity as child abuse. Read this 2004 Report which also details the conditions that must be met for an incident to be legally considered statuatory rape (see in particular, the state-by-state summary).

If your situation fits the requirements for your state, then pray, seek counsel (legal counsel and mental/spiritual health counseling), and spend a lot of time talking with your daughter before taking the serious step of pressing charges. Your situation may or may not warrant criminal charges against the father of your daughter's baby, so consider any action with the help of professionals who understand all the nuances. Certainly if your daughter is pregnant because of a coersive, abusive and/or illegal situation, get her the counseling she needs and investigate whether any steps need to be taken to increase her physical safety.

Bobby Cutts Jr. Found Guilty

Jessie Davis was dating Bobby Cutts, and was 9 months pregnant with a girl Jessie had named Chloe, Bobby's fourth child. They also had a 2.5 year old son, Blake. Not living together, apparently Bobby came to Jessie's house to pick up Blake and he says he accidently killed Jessie when she was slow to get Blake ready to leave. The prosecuters in the case argued that Bobby was overwhelmed by debt and child support committments; defense attorneys deny this motive.

What steps can you and your daughter take to improve her physical safety?