Episode 10 - The Secret Life of the American Teenager

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch some of the episodes online here (click the tab called "Full Episode"). Here are a few points from Episode 10, with some items to discuss with your teens.

Amy is apparently going to a new school, and her dad asks, "Amy, do you really want to go to school with a bunch of sluts?" Amy replies, "If you're calling them a slut, you're calling me a slut." Ashley notes that "You're only a slut for the two and a half minutes." Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a slut as a promiscuous woman, and defines promiscuous (in this context) as having had more than one sexual partner. So Amy is clearly not a slut - she's only had one sexual partner thus far (that we know of). And Ashley's comment doesn't seem right either...being promiscuous isn't a temporary situation, applying only during the time of sex.

There are a lot of slang terms and names that people can be called. You know that kids can be especially cruel to each other by calling names. And new terms are being invented all the time. I remember in 9th grade when someone called my mother a "M.F." to her face, actually using the initials not the full words. She didn't know what it meant. Are you a little out of the loop on current insults? Taking one topic at a time, talk to your kids about the names that people at their school would call them if they were pregnant, had bad grades, had good grades, didn't wear fashionable clothes, etc. Ask them what each term is supposed to mean or imply (in other words, why is it an insult?). Then, with your kids, look up the meanings of these words in a dictionary. Are the implied meanings accurate, or have the true meanings of the words been corrupted? For example, as discussed above, Amy can't yet be called a slut because she's only had one sexual partner. Ask your kids if the insult can be applied equally to boys and girls. For example, would a boy ever be called a slut? If not, what is the insult term for a promiscuous boy? If there isn't one, talk about this double standard.

When people call others names, they are often trying to make themselves feel superior by putting others down. This name calling is actually verbal abuse and bullying. Read this article about name calling and how to handle it in your own home. Examine the ways you talk to your own kids...do you use negative labels and names when you talk to them? As we see in this episode, Amy is right that when her dad labels a group (pregnant girls) negatively he is also labeling her negatively.

Later in the show, Adrian's mom tells Adrian that she got pregnant on purpose so that someone would love her. This idea is one of the reason that some teens get pregnant too. After Henry and Alice have sex, Alice says "I thought we would feel like we were in love if we just had sex." Talk to your kids about the realities of what love feels like and acts like.

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy also has a discussion guide for episode 10 (pdf).

Episode 8 - The Secret Life of the American Teenager

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch some of the episodes online here (click the tab called "Full Episode"). Here are a few points from Episode 8, with some items to discuss with your teens.

Amy's grandmother, "Mimsy," arrives and greets Amy in the kitchen. When Amy looks embarrassed by Mimsy mentioning the baby, Mimsy says, "No shame. Not a moment of shame. Not with me, anyway, because I'm so proud of you. You are a wonderful girl! So, you're going to have a baby, so what? Who cares? Life must have wanted another beautiful creature on this planet. Who knows Life's plan? We don't know how this is all going to turn out...whether this is going to be a good thing or a bad thing, so don't worry about it, not a bit!" Talk to your kids about these sentiments. Are they in line with what they wish a response to pregnancy would be? What do you think of these thoughts?

At school, Ricky is talking to Adrian. He says he's been learning about babies. He says he cares about the baby. Adrian counters with, "Or, you just think you should care, so you're acting as if you care." Ricky replies, "What's the difference?" Talk to your kids about the difference. How could they tell if a boy was just pretending to care about them? If your daughter is pregnant, does she think the baby's father really cares about her and the baby or is justing pretending to care?

Next Ricky is talking to Grace and he tells her that Amy is going to her grandmother's house to live. He sneers, "She's running away like a child. It might be a good time to grow up. There are schools for girls like her." If your daughter is pregnant, what does she want to do about finishing school? How does she perceive school programs for pregnant teens? What does she think about the possibility of living with relatives during her pregnancy -- is it running away to do so? Being pregnant does mean that you have to grow up, regardless of what age you are when pregnant. What areas of life do your kids think need to become more adult when someone is pregnant?

At Amy's house, Mimsy has brought Amy a sweater that Amy's mom wore when she told Mimsy she was pregnant herself. Mimsy says she remembers telling Amy's mom (just as she has now told Amy) that "Adoption is not an option. We're a big family. We can take care of this baby. You and George and me and even Ashley. We can take care of the baby!" Amy's mom replies, "Well, mom, I don't know about that. We still have lots of time to think about what's right for Amy and the baby." Mimsy says, "Oh, well we don't need any more time. Amy and I have decided. We don't want adoption. We want to keep the baby." A wonderful benefit of not rushing into an abortion is that you have plenty of time to figure out how to overcome the challenges of parenting and adoption. Acknowledge to yourselves that you can change your mind about adoption and parenting many times during the pregnancy, and even for some period of time after the baby is born. But the fact that there is time to think doesn't mean you should wait until the last minute to become educated about both adoption and parenting. One teen we worked with had put this self-education off for later but she suddenly went into labor and gave birth nearly 2.5 months early. Amidst the scary birth of the premature baby, she wasn't prepared to make decisions about parenting and adoption because she assumed she had plenty of time to think about them "tomorrow." So start the process of learning and decision making as soon as possible. Talk to your kids about Mimsy's reaction that they whole family would help take care of the baby and thus adoption shouldn't be chosen. What does your whole family think about your daughter's pregnancy? What does each of them wish she would choose? Are they truely willing to help with middle of the night feedings? or babysitting while your daughter is in school? If your family is not available or not able to help with raising the baby, does that encourage you to examine adoption more closely?

Amy says that she wants to keep the baby, and "Mimsy agrees that Ben and I should get married, and possibly go on a honeymoon to Paris... a little wedding gift from Mimsy." Amy's mom is stunned and points out that Mimsy hasn't even met Ben and that they are both just 15 years old. Mimsy says, "Who cares how old they are?" This topic of teen marriage has come up in several episodes, so see our other posts about this show to find discussion questions about marriage. In this post, let's talk about weddings and honeymoons. What are your kid's dreams about their eventual wedding? Have them do research on the cost of their dream wedding. How would your family pay for it? Then have your kids develop ideas for a wedding that would be nice but the budget would be something that is easily affordable instead of needing a second mortgage or huge loan. We have worked with several women who had weddings that were so expensive that the loan wasn't even paid off when the couple divorced a few years later, in part due to the economic stresses they were unable to handle. Next talk about their dream honeymoon, and a honeymoon that would be nice but more affordable. If your daughter is pregnant, would it make more economic sense to save up for a five-year wedding anniversary trip instead of an extravagant wedding and honeymoon?

In the show, we start to see that maybe Mimsy is suffering from Alzheimer's, because she pulls out the silverware drawer and says the baby can stay in there for the first year or two, and then they can find something bigger like a dresser drawer. Later in the show, we learn that Mimsy has already moved into an assisted living facility and she will be touring Europe for a few months while she still can. Families often face stresses from multiple directions, just like this show. As a parent, you may have to cope with the stress of a pregnant single daughter at the same time as the stress of your own parent with failing health. Make sure that you too get any support or grief counseling you need to help you cope with all parts of your life as a parent.

At Grace's house, Ricky and Grace's brother have a talk because Grace's brother was adopted into Grace's family because his mother died. Ricky had told Grace earlier that he wasn't sure about adoption for his child because he didn't know what adoption was like. While you and your daughter are educating yourselves about adoption in order to cover all the bases, see if you can talk to a person who was adopted into a family. Make up a list of questions to ask them, including the things you are afraid of. For example, are you afraid the adopted person feels rejected by their first mother? Don't let myths and misconceptions rule your mind as you learn about all of your options regarding the baby.

Amy & Madison are talking about how they both wanted someone to desire them, even though they knew that Ricky was a horrible person. Lauren and Madison both admit they feel desparate to get a boyfriend. Talk to your kids about this natural longing to belong and to be loved. Ask them to describe how they feel. What do they imagine a perfect loving relationship would be like? What do they think the realities of relationships are like? Ask them to brainstorm all the different paths their longing for love could lead them down. Some of these paths may end up in a good place, and others will not. Ask them to describe the differences between infatuation, lust, and real love. There are lots of books that talk about these emotions..perhaps you could discuss one with your teens.

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy also has a discussion guide for episode 8 (pdf).

Episode 7 - The Secret Life of the American Teenager

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch some of the episodes online here (click the tab called "Full Episode"). Here are a few points from Episode 7, with some items to discuss with your teens.

Amy is talking to her mom about leaving to live with grandmother during her pregnancy. Amy says she doesn't want anyone to see her pregnant, even her family. Amy says she wants to do this all by herself, and her mom would prefer to be there with her and see her every day. Talk to your daughter about how's she's feeling as people start to discover that she's pregnant. You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Trying to hide" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Amy's dad comes home to talk to Amy and says, "I should have talked to you more about personal things like where babies come from." The other day we posted about books that can help you talk to your children about sex.

Amy's dad says, "These things happen, mainly when guys talk young girls into doing things they shouldn't." Amy says, "It's not all his fault. I just let it happen." Her dad replies, "No, its his fault. He knew what he was doing." If your teen daughter is pregnant, was she taken advantage of by an older boy?

Amy's dad asks Amy if Ricky knows about the baby, and has she talked to him. Amy replies that she hasn't talked to him face-to-face and that she doesn't want anything to do with him. Her dad remarks, "Too late for that." Ricky is having a similar talk with his foster parents. He tells them he hasn't talked to Amy, that he doesn't want to talk to her, and that he doesn't want anything to do with her. His foster dad also notes, "You've already had something to do with her, son." Ricky reminds his foster dad that he isn't his father, and the foster dad replies, "I'm not your father, but I've tried to be a good father. Now you're going to be a dad. What kind of father will you be? It's time to have a conversation. Go talk to her." If your daughter is pregnant, have you met with the family of the baby's father? Has your daughter's partner abandoned her now that she is pregnant?

Amy's dad asks her what will happen after the baby is born, and Amy says she doesn't know and that she doesn't want to think about it now. While nine months of pregnancy can seem like a long time, it may pass faster than you expect, especially if the baby is born early. There are so many things to learn about and think about, that you really cannot delay for too long. Spend a little time each day learning about a relevant topic such as nutrition, fetal development, pregnancy, adoption, parenting skills, or decision making skills.

Ricky says Amy couldn't possibly come to school and have a baby and asks his foster mom if she can do something about that. She replies, "I encourage teenage mothers to stay in school." She encourages Ricky to take responsibility for this baby. He replies, "I'm not exactly the responsible type and neither is she - thus the baby."

Ben is talking to his dad about Amy wanting to leave town and not see him. Ben's dad replies, "She scared. She's scared, she's angry, and she's overwhelmed." Ben's dad tells Ben to go along with Amy's plan and to recognize that her plan will change many times. Talk to your pregnant daughter about what she is feeling. If she is scared, is she able to list all the things that worry her? Is she angry? If so, can she list the people she's angry at and why she's angry at them? You may find it helpful to read the chapter "What is my daughter feeling?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Amy & Ashley are talking about how Amy wants to be a normal teen and have a baby much later in life, after school & marriage. Ashley asks, "Then why did you have sex?" Amy replies, "I don't know. I didn't think about it. I didn't have a reason, I kinda just did it." Amy asks Ashley to promise not to have sex until she's married, but Ashley responds that she has condoms instead. Talk to your other children about how they are feeling with a pregnant sister. Are they embarrassed? How does their sister's pregnancy make them feel about sex outside marriage?

Amazingly (but who didn't see it coming?) Ricky and Amy's dad end up at Adrian's apartment. They talk. Amy's dad is angry at Ricky, but explains why he wants to talk instead of killing Ricky. Amy's dad then tells Ricky that Ricky is to have no part of Amy's decision making process at all. Amy's dad says that Ricky will go along with whatever Amy and her parents decide, and that if Amy choose adoption then Ricky will sign the papers releasing his child. Further, if Amy chooses to parent the child, then Ricky will pay support but have no parental rights because that's his punishment for taking advantage of an innocent 15 year old girl. Ricky agrees to this for the moment, but later talks to Amy and says he would like to be kept informed about her decisions at the minimum. Talk to your pregnant daughter about what involvement she would like from the baby's father. You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?", "Should she parent alone?", "Should we adopt the baby?", and "Should she make an adoption plan?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy also has a discussion guide for episode 7(pdf).

Episode 6 - The Secret Life of the American Teenager

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch the two most-recent episodes online here (click the tab called "Full Episode"). Here are a few points from the show, with some items to discuss with your teens.

Episode 6 starts with Amy sitting in the kitchen one morning. When her mom notices her, Amy says "I'm having a baby." If your teen daughter is pregnant, how did she break the news to you? Amy's mom doesn't believe her at first, asking if this announcement is a school assignment. Amy's mom then says, "Amy, you can't be pregnant. That's impossible." Amy tells her mom that she has been to see Dr. Hightower about six weeks ago, but Amy's mom is struggling to accept the situation, asking if the pregnancy is a joke that Amy & Ashley invented to distract their mom from the situation with their dad leaving. As Amy's mom keeps asking questions, she sounds a little angry. This shock, denial, and anger is a natural start to a grief cycle, so don't beat yourself up if you experience these upon hearing big news like this. What would you like your kids to do to help break hard news to you, whether its a failing grade, a car accident, pregnancy or anything else that may be scary to admit to you? Overall, Amy's mom was relatively calm and accepting of hearing the news of Amy's pregnancy. How was your reaction to your daughter's pregnancy similar and different? What do you wish you had done differently when you first heard the news?

Amy then says, "I think I want an abortion." Amy's mom says, "I don't know. Let's just think about this, okay? Let's think about all of the options." If your single daughter is pregnant, take the time to be educated about the benefits and consequences of all her choices: abortion, adoption, and parenting. A pregnancy help center can counsel and eduacte both you & your spouse, your daughter, and the baby's father. Don't rush into any decision. Take time to read, talk, and pray. You may find the chapter "Supporting my daughter as she makes decisions" helpful from our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Amy says, "Mom, if you don't let me have an abortion, I want to go somewhere. Aren't there like homes for teenage mothers? I need a home." Amy's mom says, "But honey this is your home." Amy says, "I can't stay here and have a baby!" Both Amy & her mom are crying now. Later in the show, Amy's mom says, "Maybe we can think about adoption. You can go away until the baby comes. What if you go to my mom's?" In the car with Adrian and Ben on the way to the abortion clinic, Amy makes it sound like its her mom that wants to send her away and she doesn't want to go. Often the best place for your pregnant teen is in your home. But if there are reasons why she wants to live elsewhere or needs to live elsewhere, she may be able to live with relatives, friends, or a maternity home depending on her situation. With your pregnant daughter, research all her housing options and make lists of the pros and cons of each possible choice. Again, take time to make a careful decision, not a rushed decision.

Amy's mom calls the school to tell them that Amy will not be in class for the rest of the week, that they are going to Chicago because a family member died. Amy doesn't want her mother to tell her dad that she's pregnant. Later in the show, Amy's dad calls Amy on her cellphone, wondering why he got a message from Amy's mom. Amy says he doesn't need to come home, that everything will be okay, but that she has something to tell him and she asks him not to be mad at her. Amy's mom takes Amy's cellphone and tells the dad that Amy is pregnant, and he hangs up quickly. If one of your kids shares hard news with you, how have you shared that news with your spouse? Does your spouse want to be told right away, even over a cell phone? Or would they prefer that you wait until they get home from work? You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Talking with My Husband" and "Sharing with Family and Friends" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy". These chapters discuss, among other things, how and when you tell family about your daughter's pregnancy.

Amy's mom tells Amy she's not happy that Dr. Hightower didn't call her to inform her that Amy was pregnant, and also she's embarrassed that Dr. Hightower's partner knows about Amy's pregnancy before she did. Talk to your kid's doctor about what health issues related to your minor child they will tell you about and what health issues they will hide from you under patient confidentiality. Do these policies depend on age, type of health issue, or some combination of factors? Also find out what your insurance company will tell you about your minor child's medical bills and what they will hide from you.

Amy says, "What if I just don't have the baby?" Amy's mom says, "You can think about that, and it's totally your choice. It's not a religious thing with me at all. It's how I feel about..I don't know...life." Talk to your kids about your thoughts about sex outside marriage, pregnancy outside marriage, abortion, and the life of the baby. What religous beliefs do you hold regarding these? What do your kids think about these topics?

Amy's mom says, "What happened to having a plan? You're supposed to have a plan for sex. You're supposed to have a plan that says you'll wait until you're older, so you can get an education and have a career before you settle down and start a family." Amy says, "I never thought about it." Ask your kids if they have thought about having sex outside marriage. Do they have a general plan for their life now (education, career, marriage, having children)? Do they have any dreams or goals about these topics? What are your preferences about their plans for sex, marriage, education, career, and starting a family?

Amy asks, "If I did end up having the baby, do you think I could get married? Ben said he would marry me." Amy's mom responds, "Is that how this happened? Ben said he would marry you if you got pregnant?" Later, Ben's dad and Amy's dad talk about the idea of Ben & Amy getting married. Neither of Amy's parents want her to get married at 15. Ben & his father also talk to the school guidance counselor about marriage. The counselor says that teen marriages dont have a "snowball's chance in hell." We gave a few statistics about teen marriage in a previous post about the show. Amy & her mom later also talk again about Amy marrying Ben. Amy's mom thinks Amy should try handling her pregnancy by herself instead of allowing Ben to rescue her. Amy's mom admits that she married Amy's father because she was pregnant with Amy and told her own parents that they had gotten married a year previous, and that allowing him to rescue her meant she felt like she was still trying to pay him back. Talk with your kids about their thoughts of people getting married because of pregnancy at age 15. What about getting married because of pregnancy at 18? or 21? or some other age? What factors do they think should be considered in deciding to get married, with or without pregnancy? If your daughter is pregnant, you may find it helpful to read the chapters "Should they marry?" and "Teen marriage success" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Amy's mom tells Ashley that she should have informed her that Amy was "in trouble." Do you want your kids to tell you when one of their siblings is having trouble with something (sex, pregnancy, alcohol, drugs, smoking, etc.)? What if they promised their sibling not to tell? What do your kids think they should do?

At school, one of Amy's friends (Lauren) says that she's no longer allowed to go to Amy's house after telling her own parents that her friend Amy is pregnant. If your teen had a pregnant friend, what would your reaction be? What, if any, contact restrictions do your teens think would be appropriate? Lauren's parents have not contacted Amy's parents when they heard this news. If your teen told you a friend was pregnant, would you call the parents? Would you want your teen's parents to call you if they knew something about your teen's health? (such as alcohol use, drugs, smoking, pregnancy, etc.)

Lauren & Madison discuss how Amy has to make up her own mind what she wants to do about the baby. Lauren says they can have an opinion but if Amy wants to "terminate the pregnancy" it's her choice. Ricky is talking to Grace about Amy being pregnant and says, "Even though it [having sex] was her idea, I would never be irresponsible so there is no way she's having my baby." When Ricky tells Grace that Amy is possibly having an abortion, Grace says, "I will not let anything bad happen to your baby!" Grace & Ricky go to the Family Planning Clinic, where Grace is determined to confront Amy about having an abortion. Amy uses Ashley's cell to call Adrian to come and drive Amy to a "free clinic". Ben pays Adrian $250 to go with her to Amy's house. When Adrian & Ben pick Amy up, Ben tries to convince Amy not to have an abortion, "You thought the worst part was telling your parents, but now that they know, everything gets better. They love you." Ben encourages Amy to talk to her parents about her decision. In many states, a minor cannot have an abortion without their parents notification, or even consent. Find out the current laws for your state regarding a minor's access to abortion. Appendix B "Parental Rights Regarding Abortion" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" summarizes this information as of November 2007.

Adrian is encouraging the abortion, telling Amy that the decision is hers alone (no one should have input) and that adoption would be bad, saying "You don't want some weird couple raising your baby so it can track you down when your life is finally getting better." Adrian has a very negative view of adoption. Even single women who plan to parent should become educated about adoption so that they can say they made the choice to parent intentionally instead of by default. If your single daughter is pregnant, you may find it helpful to read the chapters "Should She Parent Alone?", "Should We Adopt the Baby?" and "Should She Make An Adoption Plan?" from our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Amy's mom asks her what she's afraid of, regarding her pregnancy. Amy says she's afraid that giving birth will hurt, and that people will be mean to Ashley because of her being pregnant. If your single daughter is pregnant, talk to your kids about how people are reacting and talking. Your family may find that some people are hurtful and some people are helpful. How can you support each other during this emotional time, and not let this challenge destroy your family? Build a support network for your family. Look for supportive pastors, counselors, and community resources. You may find it helpful to read the chapters "How Will My Church Respond?", "Sharing with Family and Friends", and "Forgiving Unkind Acquaintances" from our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy also has a discussion guide for episode 6 (pdf).

Motherhood means....?

In a recent opinion editorial titled "Teens not ready for reality of parenting: Those who think that a baby will provide love have an awful lot to learn" by Elizabeth Davies, Ms. Davies presents her thoughts on the realities of parenting. Read her opinion article with your kids and discuss it with them. How much did your experience of motherhood match Ms. Davies' list of reality? How was your experience of motherhood different?

In the article, Ms. Davies says:

• "Some teen girls -- perhaps including those in Gloucester -- want to become pregnant. They do it on purpose. They see that child as a symbol of adulthood, as someone who they can rely on for love and devotion." Talk with your kids about the meaning of adulthood. What makes someone an adult? Are there shortcuts to being an adult? Does everyone over a particular age automatically become an adult? Talk to your kids about relationships: Is there a guarantee that all children will always show love and devotion to their parents? Is there a guarantee that married people always show love and devotion to each other?
• "Babies aren't capable of looking out for anyone but themselves. They are inherently selfish and incomplete. ... Besides, babies aren't all frills and giggles. They're messy, defiant, frustrating and exhausting." Talk to your kids about these descriptions of babies. In your experience, how accurate is this list? Is this list realistic, or negative? Does this list represent the entire picture of babies, in your opinion?

Ms. Davies also lists what Motherhood means to her:

• "Never sleeping in" and "Waking up at 5 a.m. if that's the time your little angel decides her day will begin." (Maybe the pain of this could be reduced somewhat by going to bed earlier? Or designing caretaking shifts with spouse or family?)
• "Cleaning up vomit, even on your birthday." (Maybe the pain of this could be reduced by having a support system such as a spouse, family members, friends, or support group?)
• Not going out to party on special occassions because no babysitter is available. (Maybe some advance planning would help, or have a party at your house with friends instead of going out?)
• Buying only clearance-priced clothes for yourself while splurging on designer clothes for the baby. (Maybe skip the designer clothes for baby, who can't appreciate them anyway and grows out of them after wearing them only once?)
• "Trying in vain to get your skinny jeans to fit again." (You may have to adjust your body image mentality a bit. Celebrities with nannies and personal trainers are apparently able to effortlessly regain their super-skinny body. For regular people, breastfeeding has been shown to aid women in losing weight after baby is born.)

Being a mother means that life changes. Motherhood is not all roses..there are definite challenges! But with some creativity and help from spouse and family, see if you can brainstorm ways to overcome these challenges.

Ms. Davies says, "The thing about kids is, you don't spend a whole lot of time being actively loved. Rather, you spend much of your day being needed: kissing battle scars, soothing hurts, filling bellies, fixing toys, driving the car and washing clothes. There are, of course, hugs and kisses and giant, sloppy grins. To a mother who has the time, energy and maturity to appreciate them, those are priceless. But if you're doing it right, motherhood is about giving 100 times more than you can ever receive in return. Once your children are grown and you have the wisdom to look back on their lives, the pride of raising quality adults is payment enough. Because getting pregnant isn't really about wearing maternity clothes and having a baby shower. It's not even about nursing a baby or shaking a rattle. It's about demonstrating honor, modeling love, teaching patience, building compassion. It's about raising someone who can change the world."

Talk to your kids about this quote. Ask them to write a job description for a Mother. What would be her duties? What would be her salary? Share with your kids the challenges and rewards you have experienced being a Mother.

Episode 5 - The Secret Life of the American Teenager

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch the two most-recent episodes online here (click the tab called "Full Episode"). Here are a few points from the show, with some items to discuss with your teens.

Episode 5 starts with Ben & Amy having a picnic and supposedly studying. While Amy is eating, Ben says, "I love you, Amy Jurgens." She replies, "Thanks, me too." Talk with you teens about love. Do your kids think that 15 years olds can experience real love? Or is it just hormones and infatuation? How can you tell the difference between love and infatuation? How long do your kids think it might take to realize love vs infatuation in a relationship? Ben & Amy have only been dating a few weeks...could Ben really be experiencing real love for Amy at this point? Remember, Ben started dating Amy because he wanted to have sex and he "had to start somewhere." Amy was picked out for Ben by his friend, saying that she was probably the only one desperate enough to be willing to date him.

There is a sequence of happy family images: a young couple is pushing their small baby in a stroller, an older couple is walking hand in hand, talking and smiling. Ben gets down on one knees, opens a ring box, and asks Amy if she will marry him. The silly plan that Amy's friends had dreamed up (getting Ben to marry her, pretending its his baby) appears to be happening. Talk to your kids about this scene. What do they think was realistic about it, and what was fantasy about it? What do they think of Ben's actions? What about his motives? Several generations ago it was common to marry in the teen years. Do your kids think there are any circumstances in which 15 year olds should get married these days?

Amy starts to cry. The small baby starts to cry, the older couple appears to fight. As Amy tries to ask Ben whether he knows she's pregnant, he keeps repeating that he loves her. Amy asks who told Ben she was pregnant, and he says his dad suspected. Amy says, "You're such a nice person. I'm such a whore." Talk to your kids about this. Amy obviously feels self-condemnation and regret. Do your kids think that Amy's sexual activity with Ricky was whorish?

Amy asks Ben, "What am I going to do?" He says, "Well, marry me of course." Amy replies, "I can't get married, my parents will never let me -- I'm only 15. I'm not even sure they're going to let me do this [indicating her pregnancy]. Maybe they'll want me to get an abortion or something." Ben replies, "No. No, Amy, you don't have to do that. I'm here for you." He continues that they can tell everyone that he is the father of the baby.

Amy says, "I am so stupid. And I lied to you. I had sex with Ricky. It was awful sex, though, I mean it only lasted like two seconds and I wasn't sure it even was sex until this happened."

Ricky is at Grace's house, talking to her brother. Grace's brother says "Guys play football for the same reason you play the drums: to get girls." What do your kids think about this? Why do they think that football players and drummers appear to have girls throwing themselves at them all the time?

In the kitchen, Grace is talking with her parents. Grace's mom says "We didn't say you could date [Ricky], in fact at this point we're not sure we'll ever let you date again." What do your kids think about this? Is not dating for a time a reasonable consequence for Grace having lied and snuck around to see Jack?

Amy & Ashley's dad is walking out the door when Ashley stops him to confront him. She asks if he is cheating on her mother and he denies it and says its time for her to grow up and realize that things don't alway work out like you want them to. Ashley tries to bargain with him, "Please don't go, okay? I promise I'll do anything you want. I mean, I'll wear long skirts or high jeans. I won't wear makeup, and I won't dye my hair and I'll get good grades and I'll make decent friends like you're always telling me to. Just, Dad, please." Ashley's dad says they're not getting divorced, just taking a break, just taking time alone to think.

Jack & Adrian are talking at her apartment, and Jack reveals that his step-dad is Reverend Stone. Adrian comments that the sermon had been about personal responsibility, and Jack replies that the sermon was about making Grace look good so that Grace's dad will continue to give money to the church. We later learn that Jack only dated Grace because Jack's dad wanted to make sure Grace's family was happy at the church. We learn that Amy & Ashley's dad has been having an affair with Adrian's mom.

Amy comes home and is talking to Ashley about their dad leaving. Amy says she doesn't think she can have the baby. Ashley agrees its probably a good idea not to have the baby. In the next scene, Ben & Amy are talking at her locker. Ben says, "Don't do it." Amy says, "I have to. I don't have any choice." Talk to your kids. What options does Amy have? Why does she feel like she doesn't have a choice?

Ben replies, "You do have a choice. I'm giving you a choice." Ben repeats that he wants to marry Amy. Amy says her parents will never let her get married, then, "They'll probably send me off to some home where the baby gets adopted and just tell all our friends that I had a disease and I went away for treatment." Ben says, "I'll tell them with you. And I'll tell them I want to marry you, and I'll even ask my dad to come if you think that will help. And no one is going to send you off to any other home other than mine. And no one can make you give up your baby if you don't want to." Amy asks, "Why are you so nice to me?" Ben says, "Because I love you." Amy replies, "Then please, help me get rid of this baby." Ben says, "No, no abortions." Amy says, "I'd rather do that than tell my parents. I never thought I could, but I think I have to. I know I'm being a coward, but I can't tell them, Ben." Why do your kids think Amy feels this way? If they were pregnant, would they rather have an abortion than tell you they were pregnant? What do you wish your kids would do if they were pregnant at 15 and you didn't know?

Ben says, "You have to make the decision, but I don't think this is a decision you want to make. You don't have to [abort]." Amy says, "Maybe it's what I want to do. Maybe it's the easiest thing." Ben says, "Maybe, but maybe not."

After Grace hears that Jack and Adrian did more than kiss, Grace bumps into Ricky. Ricky says, "Everyone has their own versions of the truth, and no one tells the truth all the time." Grace responds, "Still, there's only one truth no matter what story you tell. There's truth and then there's lies." What do your kids think about this. Is truth absolute or relative? Does each person have their own truth?

Amy is talking to her friends about whether people are talking about her being pregnant. One friend (Madison) suggests that Amy go home. Amy says, "If I left right now, in the middle of the day, I don't think I could ever come back. But if I stay, and nothing ever happens, then maybe people would think it was just a rumor and wasn't true." Amy asks her friends to help her get an abortion. Madison is Catholic, and is upset that Amy is talking about getting an abortion. Amy's other friend says, "It's her choice, and its a valid choice considering her age and the father." Amy's friend both encourage Amy to tell her mom that she's pregnant. Amy says she can't tell her mother because her dad left the family last night. Talk to your kids: If one of your kids was pregnant, what advice do they think their friends would give them? Would you want your daughter's friends to help her get an abortion without your knowledge?

Amy tells Dr. Hightower that she "already took care of it" and not to call any more. Dr. Hightower looks stunned. The school guidance counselor tries to get Amy to talk about being pregnant, but she denies that anything is wrong with her or at home. The guidance counselor then asks Ben if he is the father of Amy's baby. Assuming that Ben is the father, the counselor says, "It's not your decision to make. You might want to have some say in the decision. You might want to express your opinion. But it's not your decision to make. Encourage Amy to talk to her parents right away. And you go along with whatever it is she wants to do, or commit to taking responsibility for the next 18 years and beyond." What do your kids think about this? How much input should the father of the baby have in the fate of the baby? If one of your kids was pregnant, what would they want the baby's father to say and do?


The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy also offers a discussion guide for episode 5 (PDF).

Newsweek: "Teen Pregnancy, Hollywood Style"

Newsweek recently had an online article titled "Teen Pregnancy, Hollywood Style." Take a few minutes to read the article, then come back. We'll wait for you.

"It's the missing three C's: there's little commitment, no mention of contraception and rarely do we see negative consequences," says Jane Brown, a journalism professor at the University of North Carolina who runs the Teen Media Project. "What's missing in the media's sexual script is what happens before and after. Why are these kids getting pregnant and what happens afterward?"

Kids are getting pregnant because they are having sex. A better question might be 'why are these kids having sex?' Statistics say that slightly less than half of high school student are having sex, so why do we see so much teen sexual activity in the media? Talk to your kids about sexual activity and the "three C's" mentioned above.

• What does your family believe should be the connection between sex and commitment? What kind of commitment should be present before kissing? petting? oral sex? intercourse?
• What does your family believe about contraception methods and their use? Does a teen being on the pill or shot mean that she is encouraged to have sex?
• Research with your kids the physical and emotional consequences of sexual activity. The CDC says that 25% of female teens have at least one sexually transmitted disease. Some of our previous posts have discussed consequences: "Sexual Behavior In America's Children" and "Benefits of Delaying Sexual Debut".

The Newsweek article then tells the stories of several teens who gave birth to their children, highlighting the negative consequences of being a teen mother. One teen dropped out of high school because of the social pressure. Another teen's mother felt judged at church because her daughter was pregnant. While some media make teen parenting look glamorous (Jamie Lynn Spears has money for nannies and enough to buy anything her child desires), other media (like this Newsweek article) focuses only on the negative aspects, saying they are bringing "reality." However, the Newsweek article seems to be saying that giving birth should be avoided because being a parent is too hard (thus subtly promoting abortion), not that having sex should be delayed until marriage. The Newsweek article also promotes condoms and contraceptives, but ignores the emotional consequences of sex outside of marriage. There is no condom or pill that protects the heart. Newsweek conviently ignores the painful consequences of teen pregnancies that end in abortion instead of birth.

One of the reader comments on the Newsweek site told her story:

Posted By: carefullmom @ 07/28/2008 4:17:04 AM
Comment: When I was just a fourteen year old child I was surprised to find myself pregnant. I knew how it happened, but I think I was so naive that I didn't think that it would happen. I don't recall my folks ever speaking to me about the subject. When they finally figured out what was going on with me, they drove me to a clinic and forced a decision down my throat. I don't really know what decision I would have made if it had been left up to me, I think I probably would have just gone on in childlike ignorance not believing that any of it was really happening. After the tears cleared and I realized what had happened, and took responsibility for what I had done, I became so angry that I became near obsessive about having another baby. At 18, I did. I moved out of my parents home at midnight on my 18th birthday and called them a few months later to tell them that they would soon be grandparents. They indicated that the 4 years of remorse that they had watched me endure had led them to believe that only having a child was going to help me begin to heal. I thank God for their support and believe that my daughter healed wounds in my family that might never have otherwise healed. With my folks support and personal drive resulting from wanting the very best for my daughter, I finished college, landed a good job, eventually married a great man who adopted my daughter, finished graduate school, and now have two more children. The first five years when I was going to college and being a mom were really challenging. Other students were going to parties and I was washing diapers and working a night shift to make enough money to pay my rent and buy food. My oldest daughter, now 20 and in college, and my middle daughter, now 14, know that they can come to me with anything and I will not judge them, but will help them no matter how difficult the situation. They tell me that I have given them a tremendous role model to strive towards in their own lives. We have spoken openly and honestly about birth control, sex, and the hardships of raising babies alone and in poverty for so many years now that I cannot remember when we started. I think teen mothers and mothers-to-be or perhaps not-to-be need more non-judgemental support to help them make a decision about whether they have what it takes to raise a child. And for those young women who do choose to keep their baby, government programs should focus less on hand outs that lead to dependence and more on high school completion programs and college credit programs such as childcare money for woman who take college courses to enable them to get good paying jobs. Judgemental and negative comments certainly won't help a young pregnant woman make healthy decisions. I thought Juno was a thoughtful representation of how a family dealt with a crisis, and how a young girl made a very brave, realistic, and generous decision for the well-being of her baby.

Read this real story to your kids, and talk to them about it. Do your kids have the typical teen attitude that THEY won't get infected with an STD, or that THEY won't get pregnant? Talk to your kids about this woman's emotional pain and remorse after abortion. This woman responded in a common manner and intentionally got pregnant to "replace" the aborted baby. This family gave incredible support to their pregnant daughter the second time, helping her get a college education. This woman was able to get married (unlike 40% of single moms). She also makes some suggestions of what social services could do differently so that pregnant women can become more independent instead of reliant on help.

Reality is that being a mother at any age has high points and low points. Mothers at any age have to change their lives and learn to balance new responsibilities and challenges. Talk to your kids about the positive experiences you had as a new mother, and the negative experiences you had. What was your situation when you became pregnant? How did this situation contribute to the positive and negative experiences?

Episode 4 - The Secret Life of the American Teenager

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch the two most-recent episodes online here (click the tab called "Full Episode"). Here are a few points from the show, with some items to discuss with your teens.

In Episode 4, Amy's dad expects Amy to love the news video of Grace being attacked in a bad part of town at midnight "because we're family. You gotta dislike who I dislike. That's called loyalty. I dislike the Bowmans, so this is funny to me and to our family." What do your teens think about this? What does loyalty mean to them? How do they think loyalty should be expressed in a family? How do they think loyalty should be expressed between friends? Share your thoughts about these questions, too.

Dad continues, "These two high-faluting church-goers have a problem child on their hands." This kind of statement expresses rejection and may contribute to your teen not being honest with you, in fear that they too will be rejected. How could you reword this type of statement so that you reject wrong behavior without rejecting the person? What do your teens think a 'problem child' means? How would you define it?

Lots of parent-child confrontation in this episode. Amy's dad confronts her about whether she knows who the shirtless guy on the video is. Amy's dad confronts Ashley about her more modest outfit, accusing her of being on drugs and of lying. Grace's parents confront her about the video of her on the news in a bad part of town, and then sneaking around to date Jack. Ricky's foster mother confronts him about being shirtless and about lying about being home. Most of the confrontations we're shown are pretty calm, without shouting. What are confrontations like at your house? What could you change to make confrontations less painful? What do you wish your kids could change to make confrontation less painful?

Amy realizes that she'll have to tell her parents she's pregnant. She feels bad about her sister Ashley getting in trouble as a way of distracting her parents from her secret. Amy's friend tells her "Be responsible - talk to your parents, and get some help."

Grace temporarily gives up being on the cheer squad because that's the punishment she came up with for lying to her parents. What kinds of consequences do your kids think would be appropriate for Grace's sneaking around and lying?

Amy's mom says to Amy, "I'm not accusing you. You're perfect. Close to perfect. Both my girls are. Although I really don't know why Ashley wants me to think she's having sex. I don't think she's having sex. ... Thank you for being such a wonderful daughter." Both parents and kids sometimes have mental images of each other that are not entirely accurate. Very few of us are actually 'close to perfect.' On the flip side, both parents and kids who behave badly likely have good qualities to them somewhere. Both kids and parents can do a better job of being realistic about the good parts and bad parts of each other. Take care not to go to extremes of either putting someone on a perfect pedestal or of putting someone in the garbage dump. Talk to your kids - how would they describe you? How would they describe themselves? How do they think you would describe them? Do your kids think you never made any mistakes growing up? Have you been afraid to express your wishes about any topics because you made a mistake in that area when you were younger? Are you willing to share with your kids (at the appropriate level of detail for their age) about mistakes you made when you were growing up? There is some value in "do as I say, not as I do"...but how can this attitude be kept in balance?

Later in the show, Amy tells her dad that Ashley is not having sex but that Ashley is covering for someone. Amy tells her dad that she had sex and he responds angrily, "You did not have sex. I know you!" Amy replies, "Dad, you don't know me! I did have sex." Her dad is stunned, but the conversation is interrupted. When we learn something new about someone we love, the shock can make us suddenly feel like we don't know that person. The revelation that your child is sexually active or pregnant can easily trigger a grief cycle. Pay attention to your feelings and give yourself the room to work through your reactions. Seek counsel.

Jack is talking to Adrian and says, "Every relationship needs a good foundation. And if our relationship was Christ, I think even you and I could make it. I want a girlfriend, a real girlfriend. And in order for you to be my girlfriend, we need more than just being physically attracted to each other." Though Jack's motives in this conversation (to make Grace jealous) are pretty rotten, he makes some interesting points. Talk to your kids about what Jack said. What is a 'real' girlfriend/boyfriend? What things make a good foundation for a relationship? How important is physical attraction in the foundation of a relationship? How much of a role does physical attraction play in your kids current dating relationships? Ask your kids what happens to a relationship as they age and looks fail? What about 'missionary' dating (a believer dating a non-believer with the motive of trying to induce faith in the non-believer)? Does it seem like a good idea? In what ways might each of the people in such a relationship be affected by the other person, and how likely are those outcomes?

Later, when Jack is picking up Adrian to go to church, Adrian tries to seduce Jack. She asks, "Didn't you have a good time last time?" He says, "Yeah, I had a great time. But it wasn't worth all the guilt and trouble it caused." Adrian says, "Everyone's going to think we're doing something so we might as well be doing something, right?" Jack replies, "Wrong. I don't care what everyone else thinks. I care what I think. I think that sex before marriage is a sin." Adrian says, "Well, aren't we all sinners? ... We'll go to confession afterwards." Jack says, "We [protestants] don't have confession.... we have guilt, shame, regret." Jack says that they could make out, but couldn't do anything more than that, "anything more than that would be a sin." Adrian asks, "What, is it in the Bible?" Jack says it is, but has no idea where. So we hear that Jack says he is feeling regret for having sex. According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, "Most teens who have had sex wish they had waited. Almost 70% of teens regret having had sex as early as they did." Ask your kids if they have had sex. If so, do they feel guilt, shame or regret? Do they need counseling from a religious leader to help them process these feelings? Jack says that making out is ok. Where do your kids think they should "draw the line" in sexual activity at their age? What about when they are unmarried college students? What limits would you prefer they follow?

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy also has a discussion guide online for this episode (PDF file).

Episode 3 - The Secret Life of the American Teenager

You can watch the two most-recent episodes online here (click the tab called "Full Episode"). Here are a few points from the show, followed by some items to discuss with your teens.

• Ashley's mom comments on Ashley's tubetop and miniskirt outfit, saying "Be mysterious. Less is more." Clothing choices are not message-free. Look through catalogs with your kids and call out what message each outfit sends. Then go through your closets...what messages do your kid's clothes send? Ashley is 13, and a man stares at her, prompting mom to tell him he's a pervert. When do your kids think its okay for a girl to start dressing in revealing ways?
• Amy's clothes are starting to not fit. Later in the show we see she is having other pregnancy side-effects: swollen feet, growing breasts, nausea, appetite change
• Ben's friend Henry asks "If you're not going to kiss her, what's the point in going out with her?" What do your kids think the point of dating is? Is sexual activity of some kind a mandatory and expected part of dating?
• Jack taunts Grace, "How old do you think you'll be when you stop letting your parents make your decisions for you?" Talk with your kids about the process of gaining independence in your family. As they mature they should be taking on more decisions - what kinds of decisions do you think they are ready to make on their own right now, and what kinds should they still be obeying you? Later in the show, Grace's dad say his household is not a democracy, its a kingdom. What is your family like? Are there some areas where the family is a democracy and some where it is a kingdom?
• Jack continues, "All the guys think I'm a big wuss because they think you're in charge of me. You and your parents." Talk with your kids about this kind of attitude. What does masculinity mean to them? How should men and women interact in terms of 'being in charge'?
• Amy's friends say, "Eww. Don't say things like 'fetus' to us." Fetus is a latin term. Find out what it means.
• Amy's friend's brother Jason says, "You know mom and dad aren't going to let you hang out with her anymore when they find out." If your teen told you their friend was pregnant, what would be your response? Would you allow your kids to continue to hang out with them? Why/why not? What do your kids wish your reaction would be?
• Grace is talking to her family about Jack and says, "Sometimes liking someone doesn't always make sense. It isn't always logical. Maybe I have no reason to like this guy, but I do. We dated all summer and he never gave me or you any reason not to trust him." But her parents both say they do not want her dating Jack. Talk about the feelings and actions of infatuation, lust, and love. How are they different? How can you tell them apart?
• Dr. Hightower is talking to Amy on the phone and says, "Your mother is a very nice woman. She's going to be a big help to you. Once she gets past the news." She offers to help Amy tell her mother she's pregnant. Many parents are upset when they find out their teen daughter is pregnant. But they do also love their daughter and want to help her.
• Dr. Hightower continues, "Every day is important in a pregnancy... You're in charge of another life now." If your daughter is pregnant, help her get prenatal care as soon as possible.
• Ricky talks Grace into letting him help her 'sneak around' to date Jack without her parent's permission. A lot of lying is involved in order to get out the door. How would this behavior go over in your family?
• Amy admits to her sister, Ashley, that she is pregnant. Ashley promises not to tell their parents. If one child knew a big secret about another of your kids, would you want them to tell you?

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy also has a discussion guide online for this episode (PDF file).

Episode 2 - Secret Life of the American Teenager

Episode 2 of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" had very few statistics in it. A lot of the plot circles around the rumors that are circulating about Amy & Ricky. You can watch the two most-recent episodes online here. Here are a few points from the show, followed by some items to discuss with your teens.

• Amy hasn't told her parents that she's pregnant yet, and is planning to pretend it never happened. She says she figures she has two options: Tell her parents she's pregnant and "ruin the rest of her life", or pretend it never happened.
• Grace's mom talks to Grace about how many women blame themselves when their partner cheats on them, making excuses for his behavior.
• Grace's dad says the reason they gave Grace the promise ring isn't because they don't trust Grace, but because they don't trust the boys she might date. He says that teenage boys in high school are only interested in one thing: sex.
• Ben's friend says that the younger people are when they marry, the more likely the are to divorce, but she doesn't give any numbers.
• Ben tells Amy he doesn't want to know about her past relationships.

Talk to your kids:

• If they needed to tell you they were pregnant, what do they think your reaction would be? What do they wish your ideal reaction would be? What do you think your reaction would be? What do you wish your ideal reaction could be? If your teen needed to tell you they were pregnant, how would you like to be told?



• So far, Amy has been pretty unemotional about being pregnant. In this episode we see that she is firmly planting herself in denial, repeating "Never happened!" If your teen daughter is pregnant, ask her what emotions and thoughts she was having when she was at this point in her pregnancy (about 6 weeks). If your teens are not pregnant, ask them to imagine what they might be feeling and thinking if they were 6 weeks pregnant. When you first became pregnant with your child(ren), what were your thoughts and feelings?



• What do your kids think about being unfaithful in a relationship? Is Jack right that "just one kiss" should be quickly forgiven? (even though we know he's lying about this) What does faithfulness involve? How about "just looking, not touching" - is that cheating? Who is to blame when one partner cheats? Does lack of sexual activity make cheating excusable?



• Stereotyping all high school boys as being interested only in sex may be taking it too far. How is this fictional high school similar to the school your teens attend? How is it different? Are there predatory boys (like Ricky) or girls (like Adrian) in their high school that are looking for sexual conquests?



• What kinds of rumors circulate at your teen's high school? In a previous post, we summarized a recent research study that showed that one of the ways that abusive dates control their partner is by threatening to spread rumors about them. Do your teens know anyone who is being threatened this way? Has anyone ever threatened your teens by saying they will spread rumors about them?



• Thinking forward to when your teens get married some day, will they want to know the complete sexual history of their spouse? Will they want to keep anything hidden themselves? Do your teens think they will care about their spouse's previous sexual experiences? Does the idea of explaining previous sexual experiences to their future spouse cause them to reconsider any of their current activities?



• In our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" we have a chapter titled "Should They Marry?" which has a lot of facts about teen pregnancy and teen marriage. Here's a small excerpt: "Teen marriages generally have a bad reputation as leading to a guaranteed divorce. However, this reputation is not based completely on the facts. Data from the 2002 National Survey on Family Growth* shows that 48% of first marriages by girls under 18 years of age had dissolved by the 10th anniversary. This means that 52% of young teen marriages were still intact after 10 years! To balance the fact that waiting until the age of 23 to marry improves the chance of the marriage lasting 10 years, we have the fact that women who bear a child without marrying the father of the child have a 40% lower likelihood of ever marrying.**" What do your teens think about these statistics? Do they think that considering marriage when pregnant is a good idea or a bad idea? Under what circumstances do they think considering marriage when pregnant would be a good idea and when would it be a bad idea?



• Amy's best friends know she is pregnant and that she hasn't told her parents. If your teens knew their best friend was pregnant in high school, would you want your kids to tell you? How about if your kids knew their best friend was struggling with alcohol - would you want your kids to tell you? How about if your kids knew their best friend was taking drugs, or being beaten up by their date, or being hit by their parents?



• We've seen Amy go to her pediatrician in episode one. Where do your teens think they would go for medical help if they thought they were pregnant? Where would you want your teen to go for help if they thought they were pregnant? Is there anywhere you would not want your teen to go for help if they thought they were pregnant? What are the privacy rules regarding pregnant minors at your kid's primary physician? Would your minor's doctor be required to keep a pregnancy secret from you because of patient confidentiality? Do you know anything about the teen pregnancy related beliefs your teen's doctor holds? If you live in a state where there is no parental notification law and no parental consent law, would your teen's doctor offer your teen an abortion without your knowledge or consent? What about contraceptives?

References:

* "Fertility, Family Planning, and Reproductive Health of U.S. Women: Data from the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth." Vital and Health Statistics, Series 23, Number 25, December 2005. U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Health Statistics.

** Daniel Lichter and Deborah Roempke Graefe, "Finding a Mate? The Marital and Cohabitation Histories of Unwed Mothers," in Lawrence Wu and Barbara Wolfe (eds.), "Out of Wedlock: Trends, Causes and Consequences of Non-marital Fertility." New York: Russell Sage Foundation, 2001.

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy has a discussion guide for this episode too (PDF file).

Episode 1 - Secret Life of American Teenager

The first episode of ABC Family's "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" premiered last night. Reviewers who saw the show early and posted their comments yesterday before the show aired said both good things and bad things about the show. Did you watch it? What did you think? If you missed the show on TV, you can watch the two most-recent episodes online (click tab "Full Episode").

Here's a few of the things we noted. Discussion ideas in italics.

• The show is rated TV14 DLS. In this episode we didn't see overt drug usage (was there alcohol in one flash scene?), and language wasn't obvious except for one instance of 'frickin', but the show is filled with talk about sex. Not surprising given the intent of the show.
• Not-so-subtle cutesy birds and bees during the show opening theme.
• Mom (Molly Ringwald) says to Amy "You're only young once - you should be having a little fun" instead of spending so much time on marching band. What activities do your teens think fall into the category of 'having a little fun'?
• Girl pal of character Ben rattles off statistics like "25% of 15 year old guys are having sex", "20% of 15 year old girls are having sex," "29% of 15-17 year old sexually active girls have boyfriends 3-5 years older," and "46.8% of high school students are having sex." Do your teens know which of their peers are sexually active? How do they know? What do your teens think about a 15 year old dating a man who is 18-20? How is this opinion affected by research indicating that adolescent females have a higher probability of contracting an STI when their sexual partner is substantially older?
• Amy (15) says her first sexual experience was "not that great", over quickly, "not romantic", "definitely wasn't fun," and "not like the movies". She says she didn't realize what was happening at first. We then learn that bad-boy Ricky is the father of her child.
• Grace (the ditzy Christian cheerleader) is talking to her boyfriend Jack (the hormone fueled football player) about her new promise ring and her plans to save sex for marriage and to not get married until after college and medical school. What are your teen's current plans for education, marriage and onset of sexual activity? What do they think of Grace's plans?
• Jack says, "Sexual purity, in or out of marriage, isn't a one-time vow, Grace. It's a daily recommitment to God and His plan for us." What do your teen's think God's plan is, related to marriage and sexual purity?
• Jack then goes on to ask if oral sex is okay before marriage if two people are committed to one another and in love with each other. Grace says oral sex is sex and that Jack needs to keep his mind away from those thoughts. What sexual activities do your teens think is allowed outside of marriage? How can they stay away from activities that cross this line?
• Ben (who will apparently be Amy's love interest in the show) talks to the guidance counselor about joining band class in order to impress Amy. At first he says he wants to join because he is in love with her, but later admits his motivation is sex. Ben says he is a virgin and he "has to start somewhere". What do your teens think about Ben's motives for joining band? What do your teens think about the advice from Ben's friends that Grace wasn't available sexually but that Amy would be a better target, in part because she might be desperate enough? Do your teens know any girls who have been targeted this way, by a boy who just wants a starting sexual encounter so he can move up the ladder to other sexual partners?
• After three positive pregnancy tests, Amy says "I can't believe I'm old enough to use the word 'pregnant' in a sentence, much less BE pregnant." What emotions do your teens think they might experience if they were to learn that they were pregnant right now? Or that they were the father of a baby?
• At the dinner table, Amy's 13 year old sister (in trouble for breaking the school dress code) says, "Why should I follow the rules when no one else does?" Dad jumps in and says that the 13 year old daughter dresses "like a street walker." He continues, "We take our hard earned money to buy you decent clothes that meet the dress code requirement." He also says that family has a dress code too & she didn't break only school rules but their rules too. Does your teen's school have a dress code or a uniform? Does your family have a dress code? What clothing that your teens currently own would you prefer them to not wear? Ask your teens what messages they think their clothing sends to the opposite sex.
• Dad asks what she's trying to prove - that she isn't 13? That she's sexy? He says, "You're not sexy. Do you even know what sexy means? It means you're ready to have sex and you are not ready to have sex. Neither of my daughters are ready to have sex and you two will not be ready to have sex for a long time." Do your teens agree with the idea that dressing sexy sends a message that you are ready to have sex? How old do your teens think someone should be before they dress sexy?
• Dad then says, "Maybe after you've been married a couple of years - make sure its going to work out first." What does this statement show us about his views on marriage?
• One scene has Ricky talking to a "shrink" that he has apparently been seeing for years. The counselor asks Ricky "Why do these sexual conquests make you feel like a man?" He goes on, "Having sex with as many women as you can is not going to make you feel any better. And I think it's making you feel worse." He later asks Ricky if he can see the relationship between loving himself and not having sex with every woman he meets. He points out that Ricky is constantly fighting to prove his masculinity. Do your teens know anyone who acts like sexual conquests make him more manly?
• Amy's friends come up with the plan that Amy should get Ben to fall in love with her, have sex with her so she can say she's pregnant by Ben and marry him. What are the unrealistic points of this plan?

The show is very much a teen soap opera, with some high points and some low points, and lots of room for discussion along the way. Parents, your teens do want to talk with you about important issues like sex. Here are some tips to help get the conversation started.

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy also has a discussion guide for this episode (PDF file).

The Secret Life of the American Teenager

This article on USAToday.com gives an overview of the upcoming new show "The Secret Life of the American Teenager". This could be a golden opportunity to talk about tough issues with your entire family.

Teenager, which Hampton calls "7th Heaven with sex," opens with Amy (Shailene
Woodley), a smart but vulnerable high school student, discovering she is pregnant after a first-time tryst at band camp. Her story opens the door to numerous character relationships involving students and their families. "It's a lot of people, but that means there's a lot of stories to pick and choose from," Hampton says. Amy would not have her baby until after the 10-episode first season, if Teenager is renewed. Ringwald, the '80s teen-movie queen (The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink) who plays Amy's mother, says her role illustrates the variety of stories. "One of the reasons my character, who is pretty intelligent and fairly liberal, doesn't pick up on something in front of her is that she's focused on the demise of her marriage." In addition to marital problems and unplanned pregnancy, Teenager will explore other tough topics, such as a student who tries to deal with childhood sexual abuse. Some teens will be sexually active; a main character is a Christian committed to abstinence.
Hampton says Teenager will handle sex "in a very clean way," although some topics may be too much for preteens. The show is "a love story, but also a very long and interesting cautionary tale." Teenager can deal with those topics and still fit the network's family-friendly approach, Lee says. "We're going to tell it in an optimistic, relatable way, and we're going to be responsible about it. Our story lines are going to resolve in a way that makes it quite clear what's the right thing to do." Many of Teenager's topics, including pregnancy, aren't that different from the days of Ringwald's earlier films, says the actress, who played a pregnant teen in For Keeps?. Some parents "are still really unwilling to talk about sex frankly with their kids," she says. "It's so much better to talk about it with your kids, and I hope this show opens that dialogue. It really is perfect for ABC Family."

Consider watching this with your family and using it as an opening for discussion. The article above says the show will "resolve in a way that makes it quite clear what's the right thing to do." See if your family agrees.