Keep it simple

A recent article in the Boston Globe, titled "Easing Parent-to-be overload" discusses a new trendy consulting business called babyplanner (which is similar to a wedding planner). These expensive consultants target those mothers and fathers who do "not want to buy anything without first assessing safety, usefulness, and developmental appropriateness." I strongly recommend that parents pay close attention to product safety, usefulness, and appropriateness. Taking care of your children definitely includes watching out for their safety and avoiding products that are not beneficial. You should do research before you purchase products for anyone in your family. Yes, the number of baby-related products has skyrocketed, just as for any other age of child...there will always be one more thing your child "must have" throughout life. However, you can go overboard in this direction just as surely as you can go overboard in not paying attention to these factors.

First, consider the use of your money. I think its unrealistic to pay a fee of $250 to have someone walk through the baby superstore with you to offer advice on the pros and cons of various products. Look at this list of prices for other services: "Perfecting Expecting charges $100 for baby registry consultation and $500 for putting together a complete registry, $100 for help maternity shopping and $500 for baby shower preparation. The Baby Coordinators charge $250 to compile a baby registry, $300 to arrange and set up a nursery, and $200 to baby-proof a home." Wow.

One person in the article said, "To be a really good mom, you want to pick the best for your baby, and that takes a while." What this person seems to be misunderstanding is that babies really need time and attention, not THINGS. Not having the newest, best, most expensive crib or stroller will not ruin your child's life. But not getting your undivided attention, time and love will definitely impact their development.

Given the ever-growing number of products that are being marketed to pregnant women, you probably do need some help researching products. Ask other mothers about their experiences with the products they own. Read reviews from actual users online (instead of only reviews from review companies). There are several highly-recommended books that can help you...take them with you when you go shopping.

Setting Goals

Family & Consumer Sciences at Michigan State University Extension created a free program called "Caring for My Family." One of the lessons in this program is called "Planning and Preparing for My Choice" and it focuses on making goals and taking action regarding the relationship between the pregnant woman and the baby's father. Consider printing out this lesson and discussing it with your pregnant daughter and her baby's father. Help your daughter and the baby's father to get outside counseling about their relationship and its future. Some of the main points from this lesson are as follows.

Goals are important in all areas of life: Goals give us a sense of purpose and direction. Goals help to move us to act. Goals help you decide what is most important to do first. Goals keep you focused on improving your life and not just doing for doing’s sake. Goals give you signs that you are making progress.

What kinds of goals might your pregnant daughter have at this point? The lesson gives a bunch of example goals. Discuss these goals with your daughter; have her pick out goals that are meaningful to her, given her specific situation.

Example Goals for building a strong family: To better manage my stress and anger. To spend time with my baby and other children. To take better care of myself so I can be a better parent. To visit my mom once a week with the baby. To earn enough money to care for my family. To learn new job skills. To set and work on goals for my family’s future. To keep a balance between my work and family responsibilities. To think about my baby first when getting involved with someone romantically. To find free or inexpensive things to do as a family. To find safe and affordable child care (Read the chapter "Childcare responsibilities" in our book). To get to know my partner’s other children.

Exampel Goals for involving my baby’s father or mother -- for parenting together: To prepare a parenting plan with my baby’s other parent. To set a time each week for my baby’s dad to see him or her. To find another man who can be a male presence (father figure) for my baby. To have my baby’s dad help take care of my baby. To get financial support from my baby’s dad. To help my child get to know his/her dad. To increase my partner’s involvement in making decisions about our baby. To work together with my baby’s dad to raise him or her. To get the family members of my baby’s dad involved. To set aside my negative feelings about my baby’s dad (Read the chapter "Forgiving the baby's father" in our book).

Example Goals for creating a healthy relationship with my baby’s father: To patch things up with my baby’s father or mother. To open the lines of communication with my baby’s mother or father. To get ready to marry my baby’s father or mother, or another person. To learn how to talk to my baby’s father or other partner without being afraid. To learn good listening skills. To watch my body language and avoid giving mixed messages to my baby’s father or other partners. To listen and allow him/her to express his/her feelings when she/he does it safely. To spend time together alone. To be more assertive. To ask for help from my family or baby’s father or other partner. To leave the relationship because it is unhealthy and unsafe for me and my baby. To work toward a long-term relationship with my baby’s mother or father. To solve problems together about our baby. To say “no” and not feel guilty. To enjoy my life with or without a romantic relationship. To recognize my strengths. To nurture and take good care of myself. To find a partner that wants a healthy and loving relationship with me. To have a more positive relationship with my baby’s father.

If you don’t know what to do, set a goal: To decide what role my baby’s dad or mom should have in my baby’s upbringing. To decide your future involvement with my baby’s other parent. To decide the steps to make my family stronger.

Now that you have picked a few goals, write down your goal and how long it might take you to achieve it. Write down the three biggest strengths you have that will help you achieve this goal. Write down as many potential stumbling blocks as you can think of. Which of these stumbling blocks do you have control over? Brainstorm ways to handle the stumbling blocks that you have control over. Write down what this goal will cost you (What will you have to give up to get what you want? Money, time, relationships, present living situation, other choices?). Finally, write down action steps that move you toward completing this goal. Make one action step something you can do today, one step something you can do this week, and one step something you can do this month.

You may find it helpful to read the following chapters from our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy": "First steps to take", "Where will we be in a year?", and "Our hope for the next five years".

Educate yourself and daughter about Shaken Baby Syndrome

A recent article on CNN.com was titled "New Year's baby's death shatters family, relationships" and shares the story of baby Camryn Jakeb Wilson who died just a few months later from Shaken Baby Syndrome.

It is very important that everyone in your family take the time to learn about Shaken Baby Syndrome. Make sure that the baby's father or father figure learns about this topic too.

"The National Center on Shaken Baby Syndrome estimates as many as 1,400 babies annually are injured or killed by shaking. According to the center, 70 percent to 79 percent of people convicted of killing or hurting babies are men. The average age of perpetrators is 24, and 82 percent are either the parent of the victim or the live-in boyfriend of the mother."

According to the National Center on Shaken Baby Syndrome, "Violently shaking an infant for just a few seconds can cause:
• Brain injury leading to paralysis, mild to severe cognitive impairment, cerebral palsy
• Blindness
• Broken bones
• Death
Normal activities such as bouncing a baby on one's knee, tossing it in the air or jogging with a baby on one's back do not cause shaken baby syndrome."



The #1 reason that people shake and damage babies is that they have been unable to figure out why the baby is crying.

How to cope with a baby who is crying and cannot be comforted:



Talk with your pregnant daughter about this information. Help her write a list of things she can do when she gets frustrated with her baby. Talk with her about screening the people who will care for her baby: are they trustworthy? have they been educated about shaken baby syndrome? are they prone to frustration, anger, or physical abuse? How can the safety of her baby be improved?

The Effects of Teen Pregnancy

The Campaign for Our Children has a fact sheet called "The Effects of Teen Pregnancy" which lists the following statistics. Talk to your kids about these.

The Effects of Teen Pregnancy

50% of adolescents who have a baby become pregnant again within two years of the baby’s birth. We posted about this topic just the other day: "A Second (or Third) Teen Pregnancy". Talk to your kids about choosing sexual integrity.

Only 41% of teenage mothers complete high school, making it less likely for teen mothers to have the skills necessary to qualify for a well-paying job. Help your pregnant daughter finish school and get job skills. Help your daughter identify some goals for education and job training. With your pregnant daughter, research adoption to see if this option would benefit your daughter and her child.

Almost 50% of all teen mothers and more than 75% of unmarried teen mothers begin receiving welfare within five years of the birth of their first child. Help your daughter find other community resources that can help too. With your pregnant daughter, research adoption to see if this option would benefit your daughter and her child.

Nearly 80% of fathers of children born to teen mothers do not marry the mothers. How is the relationship between your pregnant daughter and the baby's father? Does your daughter hope to marry him, or has he disappeared? What challenges will your daughter face if she chooses to be a single mother? How could your whole family help her with these challenges? Is adoption an option that would be beneficial to your daughter and her child?

Teen fathers pay less than $800 in child support. With your pregnant daughter, figure our how much money she will need each month to support herself and her child. How much support will your family be able to help her with?

Children born to teen mothers are more likely to have low birth weight and related problems such as infant death, blindness, and mental retardation. Make sure your pregnant teen gets medical care right away. Your pregnant teen also needs proper nutrition for herself and her child.

Children of teen parents often receive inadequate parenting, are subject to abuse and neglect, and often have insufficient health care. Help your pregnant daughter start learning about parenting skills. Also research with your daughter to see if adoption would be an appropriate solution to this area of challenge for her.

Children of teen parents are 50% more likely to repeat a grade, perform poorly on standardized tests, and ultimately less likely to complete high school. If your daughter plans to parent her child, how can your family and other community resources help her child overcome this education challenge? Also research with your daughter to see if adoption would be an appropriate solution to this area of challenge for her.

Sources:
1. National Vital Statistics, Vol. 50, No. 50, 2002
2. National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy (2002). Not Just Another Single Issue, Washington, DC.
3. Maynard, R.A. (1996). Kids having kids: A Robin Hood Foundation special report on the costs of adolescent childbearing. New York, Robin Hood Foundation.

Motherhood means....?

In a recent opinion editorial titled "Teens not ready for reality of parenting: Those who think that a baby will provide love have an awful lot to learn" by Elizabeth Davies, Ms. Davies presents her thoughts on the realities of parenting. Read her opinion article with your kids and discuss it with them. How much did your experience of motherhood match Ms. Davies' list of reality? How was your experience of motherhood different?

In the article, Ms. Davies says:

• "Some teen girls -- perhaps including those in Gloucester -- want to become pregnant. They do it on purpose. They see that child as a symbol of adulthood, as someone who they can rely on for love and devotion." Talk with your kids about the meaning of adulthood. What makes someone an adult? Are there shortcuts to being an adult? Does everyone over a particular age automatically become an adult? Talk to your kids about relationships: Is there a guarantee that all children will always show love and devotion to their parents? Is there a guarantee that married people always show love and devotion to each other?
• "Babies aren't capable of looking out for anyone but themselves. They are inherently selfish and incomplete. ... Besides, babies aren't all frills and giggles. They're messy, defiant, frustrating and exhausting." Talk to your kids about these descriptions of babies. In your experience, how accurate is this list? Is this list realistic, or negative? Does this list represent the entire picture of babies, in your opinion?

Ms. Davies also lists what Motherhood means to her:

• "Never sleeping in" and "Waking up at 5 a.m. if that's the time your little angel decides her day will begin." (Maybe the pain of this could be reduced somewhat by going to bed earlier? Or designing caretaking shifts with spouse or family?)
• "Cleaning up vomit, even on your birthday." (Maybe the pain of this could be reduced by having a support system such as a spouse, family members, friends, or support group?)
• Not going out to party on special occassions because no babysitter is available. (Maybe some advance planning would help, or have a party at your house with friends instead of going out?)
• Buying only clearance-priced clothes for yourself while splurging on designer clothes for the baby. (Maybe skip the designer clothes for baby, who can't appreciate them anyway and grows out of them after wearing them only once?)
• "Trying in vain to get your skinny jeans to fit again." (You may have to adjust your body image mentality a bit. Celebrities with nannies and personal trainers are apparently able to effortlessly regain their super-skinny body. For regular people, breastfeeding has been shown to aid women in losing weight after baby is born.)

Being a mother means that life changes. Motherhood is not all roses..there are definite challenges! But with some creativity and help from spouse and family, see if you can brainstorm ways to overcome these challenges.

Ms. Davies says, "The thing about kids is, you don't spend a whole lot of time being actively loved. Rather, you spend much of your day being needed: kissing battle scars, soothing hurts, filling bellies, fixing toys, driving the car and washing clothes. There are, of course, hugs and kisses and giant, sloppy grins. To a mother who has the time, energy and maturity to appreciate them, those are priceless. But if you're doing it right, motherhood is about giving 100 times more than you can ever receive in return. Once your children are grown and you have the wisdom to look back on their lives, the pride of raising quality adults is payment enough. Because getting pregnant isn't really about wearing maternity clothes and having a baby shower. It's not even about nursing a baby or shaking a rattle. It's about demonstrating honor, modeling love, teaching patience, building compassion. It's about raising someone who can change the world."

Talk to your kids about this quote. Ask them to write a job description for a Mother. What would be her duties? What would be her salary? Share with your kids the challenges and rewards you have experienced being a Mother.

Being a mother means...

A recent article "How To Really Help Pregnant Teens" in the Christian Science Monitor, by Jeannette Pai-Espinosa summarizes a few reasons that teens intentionally get pregnant, from the book "Promises I Can Keep: Why Poor Women Put Motherhood Before Marriage" by Kathryn Edin and Maria Kefalas.

Edin and Kefalas interviewed 162 "single mothers living in poor neighborhoods at Philadelphia's urban core. They found that, to these women, being a mother meant:

• unconditional love;
• eliminating a sense of isolation;
• the ability to prove they are capable of maturity and high moral stature by being a good parent;
• and gaining control over their life.
• These mothers saw having a baby not as a burden, but as an opportunity."

Talk to your pregnant daughter about these points:

• What does being a mother mean to her?
• What emotional needs does she think motherhood will meet?
• How would she define unconditional love in general?
• What would unconditional love look like from an infant towards its mother? (How would an infant display unconditional love to its mother? Is crying a display that the infant does not love its mother?)
• What would unconditional love look like from mother towards child? (How would a mother display unconditional love to her child?)
• Does your daughter currently feel isolated or that she doesn't fit in?
• How would your daughter define maturity? What attitudes and actions are a part of maturity? What does she believe are the benefits of being an adult? What responsibilities come with those benefits, in her opinion?
• Ask your daughter to write a "job description" of a "good parent." What skills does a "good parent" need? What tasks will they perform? What education or experience would be beneficial? What qualities make a "good parent"?
• Ask your daughter if she thinks her life is out of control currently. What would she like her life to be like, instead? In what ways would a baby add to her control of her life? In what ways would a baby take away from her control of her life?

In our book, "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" we talk more about some of the reasons teens get pregnant in the chapter titled "The Importance of First Words". You can also read other blog posts about this topic by clicking the link below that says "Why".

Opting to Get Pregnant

A recent opinion column in the Washington Times, titled "Many Teens Opt to Get Pregnant", by Cheryl Wetzstein, lists some of the reasons that teens say they get pregnant according to a 1998 Guttmacher Institute study of 187 California teen mothers - 32% of whom intended to get pregnant.

• "I like babies, having something that's mine"
• "It's weird, but something or someone is telling me to have a baby"
• Some teens will see having a baby as a way to confirm their love relationships.
• Motherhood can catapult a teen into womanhood and a higher social status: to poor girls, becoming a mother is "the surest source of accomplishment within their reach."

Talk to your pregnant daughter about these points. Do any of these reasons play into her thinking?

Discuss what makes someone an adult. Is it just age? Is it responsibilities? How is independence defined in her words?

What are her current goals in life, short term and long term? What accomplishments would she like to finish? How will she get there? What practical step can she take towards these goals right now?

Why Do Teens Get Pregnant?

The Milwaukee Journal Sentinal ran an editorial recently (3/5/2008) as part of their political coverage, titled "A Teen Mom's Advice: Its OK if you wait", where they tell the story of Tiera Smith. Tiera recently turned 18 and has a 6-month old son, Kamran. According to the article, Milwaukee ranks 7th in the nation in terms of births to teens.

Tiera talks about the realities of motherhood at any age: sleep deprivation, change in lifestyle (how often you go out and where), and financial concerns. These ring true across all age groups and marriage situations and are not unique to teen pregnancy. The reporter asked Tiera why she thinks teens get pregnant.

She validated some of the comments given earlier by a group of girls in the program about why girls, generally, get pregnant too early. It's too much the norm in some quarters, she said. "Sex is the popularity; it's the hobby," Smith said. "They've made it kind of a style. They don't think about the consequences." Smith, born to a teen mom, puts herself in that last category of not thinking about the consequences. She knows about contraception and said she knows how to get it. But she had unprotected sex. "I knew if I had unprotected sex, I knew I was going to get pregnant." She did, and she did. "I wouldn't have gotten pregnant if I wasn't so immature about it." It was a matter of "lust that we thought was love."

I think there are a couple of mature insights here. First, many people of any age group (not just teens) think of sex as recreation and do not connect sex with pregnancy or any other consequence like STDs. Sex is indeed seen as a hobby today. A pastime, just like watching TV or playing video games. There are lots of reasons that teens and college students get pregnant, and some are listed in Chapter 2 "The Importance of First Words" of our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single". Brainstorm with your daughter all the factors (physical, emotional, and spiritual) that contributed to her sexual activity and pregnancy outside marriage. What changes can your daughter make in her future dating plans so that sex is saved for marriage? Leave us a comment with any tips you'd like to share with other parents.

Second, Tiera wisely understands in retrospect what many people have trouble with: lust is not love. Talk with your daughter about lust vs love. Ann Landers once wrote an interesting article about love vs infatuation. A modified verson of that article is found here. If your daughter is repentant of her sexual activity outside marriage, talk with her about restoring sexual integrity (see chapter 8 of "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy"). Many non-marriage relationships do not stay together after the birth of a child...if that is the case with your daughter, is she in need of counseling to help deal with the abandonment, betrayal and rejection she may be feeling?
In the article, Tiera says she is trying to finish high school via a program that lets her attend at later hours and only four days a week, to accomodate child care arrangements. What can your school do to help your student finish their program? Share the experiences you've had with your daughter's college or school by leaving a comment.

Read other posts about "why teens get pregnant" by clicking on the "Why" tag below.