Application for permission to date my daughter

This is meant to be funny, but it makes a good point.

Application for permission to date my daughter
1. Name :__________________________ Date of Birth :_________________
2. Height :___________________________ Weight :_______________________ GPA :________________
3. Social Sec. #_______________________ Drivers license #________________
4. Boy Scout Rank :__________________________
5. Home address :____________________________
City/ State____________________________________
6. Do you have one male and one female parent ? Yes _______ No _______
7. If no, explain :_________________________________________________
8. Number of years parents married :______________________________________
9. Do you own a van ?______ A truck with oversized tires ?______ A water bed ?_______
10. Do you have an earring , nose ring , belly-button ring ?______ A tattoo ?_______
(If yes to any of #9 or #10, Discontinue application and leave premises ...
11. In ten words or less, what does LATE mean to you ?___________________________________________
12. In ten words or less, what does Abstinence mean to you ?______________________________________
13. In ten words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you ?___________________
14. Church you attend :_________________________________
How often you attend :_______________
15. When would be the best time to interview your Father, Mother, And Minister ? ___________________
16. What would you want to be IF you grew up ? _______________________________________________

Answer by filling in the blanks. Please answer freely - all answers are confidential
(that I won't tell anyone - ever- I promise).

If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is in the __________________________

If I were beaten the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________________________
The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ___________________________________

When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is_______________________________________
(Note: If answer begins with T or A, discontinue and leave premises: Keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised. )

I SWEAR THAT THE INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF: NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, DEATH, AND DISMEMBERMENT.

Signature (that means your name)________________________

Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not attempt to call or write. If your application is rejected you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white coats and carrying a violin case.


The point of this joke is this: how well do you know the boys that your teen daughter is dating? For that matter, how well does SHE know them? What basic requirements would you like to insist upon for someone to date your daughter? What qualities are on her list of requirements for a dating partner? Talk to your children about this joke dating application. What is their reaction to it?

Stress busters

It is obvious that any family that has a pregnant teenager or pregnant college student will feel stress. The National Fatherhood Initiative offers their top ten tips for dealing with stress:

1) Exercise. Do some double duty and do exercise together as a family - take a walk, ride bikes, throw a ball or a frisbee, etc.

2) Eat right. Your pregnant daughter needs healthy food for herself and her baby, but the rest of you need healthy food too. Stop buying the junk food. If it isn't in the house, you won't eat it!

3) Get some sleep. Adults need a minimum of 6 hours of sleep every day. Eight is better. Go to bed at the same time every night in order to train your body.

4) List priorities. "Think about all the “shoulds,” “woulds", “coulds,” and “musts” in your life. Figure out which are worth keeping and which to get rid of and focus on what you feel is most important – don’t try to do it all."

5) Laugh. Having a pregnant daughter who isn't married isn't a laughing matter. So you'll have to be deliberate to find something to laugh at. Maybe the comics in the newspaper? Maybe a comedy show?

6) Vent your feelings. But find a safe time and place to do so. No need to hurt others simply by venting. Write in a journal. Talk to a counselor or religious leader. Get coffee and talk. Take a walk and talk. Share your feelings. Then talk about the problems and invent solutions.

7) Leave work at work. We often train ourselves to keep our home problems internal while we are at work. Try the same with work problems... leave them at work so they don't interfere with your family life.

8) Spend time with friends. This doesn't have to be hours and hours... just a quick coffee together. Or a walk. But don't isolate yourself from your support network. You may feel embarassed that your daughter is pregnant and not married. You may worry about what your friends will say (and it's true that they likely will say *something*), but you need friendships. Figure out which of your friends are trustworthy, and which are just gossips.

9) Volunteer/give. Volunteering to help others will help you get the focus off your stresses for a little while. You don't have to spend hours and hours on this. Often something simple but meaningful can be more therapeutic than a huge endeavor. Maybe you can get double benefit out of volunteering in some way. For example, maybe you and your pregnant daughter can babysit a young child for a few hours. This way your daughter can have a small glimpse at the skills she needs if she's going to parent; and it gives you and your daughter the chance to talk about approaches to parenting.

10) Pursue your hobby. An activity that can help you escape and have a bit of fun will help you relax and re-energize. So set aside a small time to do something you love: read a chapter in a fun book; pull weeds from the garden; take a class at the recreation center; etc.

Pick just one of these ideas to get started. Don't add stress by overloading yourself, even with things that are supposed to be stress relieving.

Teen pregnancy, poverty, and unfinished education

The January 2010 policy brief from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy is on the topic of the link between teen pregnancy and poverty.

Talk to your kids about these statistics:

1) "A child’s chance of growing up in poverty is nine times greater if the mother gave birth as a teen, if the parents were unmarried when the child was born, and if the mother did not receive a high school diploma than if none of these circumstances are present." Is your pregnant daughter a teen? How will she avoid poverty while raising her child? Would adoption provide a better financial situation for her child and for herself? Has your pregnant daughter finished her high school diploma? Will she be able to do so before giving birth? If not, what are her plans to finish high school in a timely manner? Does your pregnant daughter plan to marry the baby's father before the child is born? If not, what are their plans for the future of their relationship?

2) "Almost one-half of all teen mothers and over three-quarters of unmarried teen mothers began receiving welfare within five years of the birth of their first child." Note that this statistic shows that married teen mothers have a little more finances than unmarried teen mothers. Would the father of your daughter's child make a resonable marriage partner? Why or why not?

3) "Some 52% of all mothers on welfare had their first child as a teenager." If your pregnant daughter is a teenager, what are her plans to avoid sexual activity until she is married in the future? Would making an adoption plan for her child help her and her child to avoid being on welfare?

4) "Early and unplanned pregnancy often derails educational attainment, which is crucial to succeeding in the 21st century economy and qualifying for a well-paying job. Only 40% of mothers who have children before age 18 ever graduate from high school compared
with about three-quarters of similarly situated young women who delay childbearing until age 20 or 21. Furthermore, less than 2% of mothers who have children before age 18 complete college by the age of 30 compared to 9% of young women who wait until age 20 or 21 to have children." Does your pregnant daughter hope to go to college? What are her career goals? What are her plans on how to finish high school and/or college? Would an adoption plan help her to achieve her educational and career goals?

5) "Community colleges play a key role in improving economic mobility, especially for low-income students. However, 61% of women who have children after enrolling in community college fail to finish their degree, which is 65% higher than the rate for those who didn’t have children." If your pregnant daughter is in community college now, what is her plan on how she will finish her degree? Would an adoption plan help her finish her education?

6) "Three-quarters of the recent increase in the teen birth rate is attributed to older teens ages 18 and 19." Even though pregnant women this age are called teenagers, they are no longer minors... they are young adults! Many of these teens are in college, not high school, when they get pregnant. What plans does your daughter have to finish her college degree now that she is pregnant? Talk to your younger kids about delaying sexual activity until they are married, so that they are free to focus on education and career without the detour of pregnancy and the choices of parenting and adoption.

You might find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Completing School", "Should They Marry?", "Should She Make An Adoption Plan?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

To "Let Go" Takes Love

To "Let Go" Takes Love (Author Unknown)

To "Let Go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.

To "Let Go" is not to cut myself off, it is the realization I can't control another.

To "Let Go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "Let Go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To "Let Go" is not to try to change or blame another, it is to make the most of myself.

To "Let Go" is not to care for, but to care about.

To "Let Go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "Let Go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To "Let Go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To "Let Go" is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.

To "Let Go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "Let Go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

To "Let Go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and to cherish myself in it.

To "Let Go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To "Let Go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To "Let Go" is to fear less and to love more.

8 Myths and Realities About Adoption

November is Adoption Awareness Month. Discuss the following information with your pregnant daughter, even if you and/or she currently are not even considering adoption.

8 Myths and Realities About Adoption, by Adoptive Families Magazine.\

Facts:
As of the 2000 Census, there were 1.5 million children under the age of 18 in America who joined their family through adoption, 2% of all children in the U.S.

In the U.S., there are 5 million people today who were adopted. More than 100,000 children are adopted each year.

94% of all Americans view adoption favorably.

Myth: Birthparents are all troubled teens.
Reality: Most birthparents today are over 18, but lack the resources to care for a child. It is generally with courage and love for their child that they terminate their parental rights.

Myth: Adopted children are more likely to be troubled than birth children.
Reality: Research shows that adoptees are as well-adjusted as their non-adopted peers. There is virtually no difference in psychological functioning between them.

Myth: Open adoption causes problems for children.
Reality: Adoptees are not confused by contact with their birthparents. They benefit from the increased understanding that their birthparents gave them life but their forever families take care of and nurture them.

Myth: Parents can’t love an adopted child as much as they would a biological child.
Reality: Love and attachment are not the result of nor guaranteed by biology. The intensity of bonding and depth of emotion are the same, regardless of how the child joined the family.

Teen Ethics

In October, 2008, the organization "Junior Achievement" conducted a survey of 750 teens aged 12-17. The topic was teen ethics and whether teens felt they were ready to make ethical/moral decisions in the work environment.

46% of the teens said it is sometimes acceptable to lie to parents or guardians. 61% of the teens said they had lied to their parent/guardian in the last 12 months. Why was it acceptable? To cover up a situation, to help a friend, and peer pressure.

54% of the teens consider their parents to be their behavioral role model, but only 21% said they feel they are accountable to their parents for behavior.

An article titled "Ethical Fitness" by Elizabeth Foy Larsen in the October 2009 issue of Family Circle gives some tips:
1) Reinforce family values by having your "kids help you write a list of nonnegotiable values."
2) Sign your child up for a values-based group such as a religious organization.
3) Teach that achievements are earned, that they are not achieved by quick results.

Talk to your daughter about these statistics and tips. Did she lie to you about her sexual activity or the fact that she was pregnant? You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Forgiving my daughter" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy"

Adopting Your Daughter's Child

Recently there has been a lot of talk about Levi Johnston's comments to a magazine that Bristol Palin's mother had wanted to keep Bristol's pregnancy a secret and then adopt the baby as her own. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 2004 over 2.4 million grandparents were primary caregivers for their grandchildren, though this is not always via adoption.

Formally adopting your daughter's child as your own child is definitely an option that can be considered. We talk about this option in the chapter "Should We Adopt the Baby?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy". In our book, we say:

I am entirely opposed to grandparents adopting their grandchild IF they plan to pretend it is their own child and perpetuate a family secret. I have never found that family secrets bring good, but have often found they bring distrust, anger, and lie upon lie. Secrecy causes shame, guilt, fear, isolation and defensivness. If you plan to formally adopt your grandchild, the truth should be spoken from the beginning. The child's mother should be identified as such. One of the main complications with adoption inside the family is that when a daughter matures and is on her feet, she may feel that she has the right to reclaim her child. This can cause anguish and turmoil for everyone.

Whether you plan to adopt your grandchild or simply be the legal guardian, you need to talk with a lawyer to create the proper legal paperwork that supports this relationship.

In addition, the decision must rest with your pregnant daughter... she must carefully consider every option and make her own decision on what is best for her child.

Parents: You Matter! Webinar

Boys & Girls Clubs of America and The Partnership for a Drug Free America present a webinar on August 25, 2009 titled

Parents: You Matter!

The webinar will present parent-friendly tools and resources that will give attendees information about why kids use drugs and alcohol, and what parents need to know to help and protect their children. Resources will be made available to all attendees, including the presentation, annotated script and other tools. Sign up here.

Your Young-Adult Child

The National Fatherhood Initiative gives some pointers that can help you and your pregnant daughter improve her maturity and independance.

1) Legal documents. "Once turned 18, your son/daughter is legally an adult, able to enter into contracts and agreements without your permission." Talk to your daughter about her responsibility to read such documents carefully and to keep her end of the agreement. Offer to review any contracts or agreements for her before she signs them.

2) Making mistakes. Your pregnant daughter needs to move rapidly toward maturity since she is now responsible for her child's life in addition to her own life. She will make mistakes. You need to allow room for some mistakes that will help her learn valuable lessons, and be there to guide her as she picks up the pieces. You should not shield her from consequences..they are valuable to her growth as a person. On the other extreme, you may not need to impose extra consequences either.

3) Keeping records. Help your pregnant daughter set up a filing system to store her important personal documents such as her resume, bank statements, utilities statements, credit card statements, and other documents.

4) Focus on a goal. Talk to your pregnant daughter about her goal for the next 4 years. Does she need to finish high school? Finish college? Get vocational training? Get a job? Help your daughter get career guidance as soon as possible... this may be available at her school, or from a private counselor.

5) Relationships. Talk with your pregnant daughter about the important people in her life. Help her evaluate each relationship because she'll likely become more like the people she spends the most time with. Do her current friends act like the person she wants to be in five years?

6) Banking. If your pregnant daughter doesn't already have a checking account, go with her to the bank. Have her take the lead in setting up an account, but be there with her. Make sure she knows how to balance her account, and how to record transactions. Teach her about shopping for the best deals. Make a budget for her expenses. Go "window" shopping to start calculating how much money she will need to earn to pay for her baby's expenses.

7) Budgeting. Help your daughter write down a budget, even if you are paying all or most of her living expenses. "The important skill to develop here is minding money: how much and where it comes from, as well as where it goes. Encourage them to actively manage their money and find ways to save even a little for the “unexpecteds” that come everyone’s way." The chapter titled "Should she parent alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" has a list of items to put into such a budget.

8) Prioritize and plan. "Teens are notorious for putting off the serious “stuff of life,” because to them it gets in the way of life itself." Help your pregnant daughter write down a plan of the next five years of her life. Put dates on events and action items. Be specific in the things she wants to do over that time period.

Evaluating a relationship

Rose Publishing has a great booklet titled "100 Things To Know When Dating" (or "100 Things to Know Before Dating and Marriage").

This is well worth getting. It has discussion questions about goals and interests, character, personality, family and friends, and background. These questions help you determine if you really know the person well. The booklet also has a "risk quiz", advice from the Bible about courtship and marriage, and tips on how to make break-ups less painful and how to recover from a break-up.

Parents of tweens should discuss these questions in relation to the tweens friends... are the friends beneficial to your tween?

Parents of teens should discuss these questions in relation to current friends and especially potential dating partners.

Parents of pregnant daughters should discuss these questions in relation to the baby's father, regardless of the age of the pregnant daughter.

Some of the questions in the booklet are:

1. How often does his/her family get together?
2. Does this person get along with other people in his or her family?
3. Does this person seem to have a vital relationship with God or does he or she just say religious things? (1 John 2:3-6)
4. Does he or she joke or brag about doing wrong things? (Proverbs 10:23)
5. Does this person flirt with others or treat you with respect? (1 Corinthians 13)
6. Is he or she irritable, unforgiving, stubborn or looking for an opportunity to take revenge? (Matthew 5:38-39)
7. Does he or she talk about past relationships often?
8. Is their anything about him or her you would not want your parents or friends to know?
9. Does this person still live at home? Why?
10. Does this person do kind and loving things for others without being asked?
11. Does this person have odd opinions, poor manners, or trouble keeping friends?
12. Do you find yourself apologizing for his/her behavior?
13. Does he/she hold you down and tickle you when it is no longer fun?

14 Characteristics of Successful People

With your pregnant daughter, sit down with a piece of paper and a pen. Give yourself one point for each of these traits that you have, and your daughter gets a point for each trait she has.

According to productivity expert Jeffrey J. Mayer, successful people have 14 traits in common. They are:
1. have a dream
2. follow a plan
3. have specific knowledge
4. are willing to work hard
5. don't take no for an answer
6. are strongly motivated
7. are focused
8. learn how to get things done
9. take responsibility for their actions
10. make decisions
11. are self-reliant
12. look for solutions
13. cooperate with other people
14. are enthusiastic

What did each of you score?
Which success traits do you lack? Which success traits does your pregnant daughter lack? What actions can you and she take to improve these areas?
Which success traits do you possess? Which does she possess? Start by acknowledging your strong points and promising yourself to improve them. Experience shows that you'll make more progress by improving your strengths than by correcting your weaknesses.

1. have a dream. What are your daughter's dreams for her child? For her own education? For her career? For her personal life?

2. follow a plan. Sit down and write out a plan of how your pregnant daughter will reach for her dreams. Exactly how will she finish her education? Exactly what training does she need for a career that can support her? Exactly what does she need to do to improve her personal life? Be as specific as possible. Add dates where possible.

3. have specific knowledge. What does your pregnant daughter need to learn about in order to follow her dreams? What does she need to learn about in order to make a solid decision about parenting/adoption, and her relationships? Where can she get this knowledge?

4. are willing to work hard. How much time and effort is your daughter honestly willing to put into being successful as a parent/spouse/employee?

5. don't take no for an answer. Does your daughter get discouraged easily? How could she improve her self-confidence and resolve so that she can tackle the many challenges she will face in life?

6. are strongly motivated. What does your daughter feel are the things that motivate her? Money? Friends? Fun? A dream? Are these motivations enough to help her face obstacles?

7. are focused. What are the focuses of your daughter's life? Does she feel she needs to change her focus to other things? If so, what?

8. learn how to get things done. Does your daughter follow-through on tasks and complete them? Does she need to learn how to break down tasks so that they aren't so overwhelming?

9. take responsibility for their actions. Does your daughter take responsibility for her actions that contributed to her pregnancy and lifestyle?

10. make decisions. Has your daughter learned decision-making skills such as making pro/con lists so that she can evaluate a decision and then stick to it?

11. are self-reliant. Does your pregnant daughter expect everyone else to cater to her whims?

12. look for solutions. Does your daughter seek solutions to her problems, or simply whine about them and hope that someone else will take action?

13. cooperate with other people. Does your daughter allow other people to help her, and does she help other people in turn?

14. are enthusiastic. What topics is your daughter enthusiastic about? Is she enthusiastic about being a single parent? Or about getting married? Or should she look at adoption so that a family that is enthusiastic about being parents can pour their energy into her child?

Strategies for parenting teens

The National Fatherhood Initiative offers a few tips to help parents survive the teen years.

1) Remember that raising your kids is a journey, and that the teen years will end. Focus on growing your teens into responsible, mature adults. What skills does your pregnant teen daughter need to learn in order to face the challenges of being a mother? What guidance does she need in order to consider making an adoption plan for her child?

2) "Recognize individuality. Take time to get to know your teen and his quirks, interests, and moods and feelings. Recognize the individual she is and praise her unique qualities. The teen years are full of stress and insecurity, and your child needs your affirmation." Look for ways to praise your pregnant daughter when she makes good choices and demonstrates good behaviors now, even though her previous choices and behaviors were not so great. Find a way to encourage her character, not just her actions.

3) "Seek To Understand. Look at the magazines your teen is reading, the shows she is watching, and meet his friends. Taking note of your teen's world will help you understand what he/she is going through." The more involved you are with your teen, the better your relationship will be and the more likely that your teens will talk to you about problems before they become a huge mess.

4) Listen. Ask your kids about their hopes, dreams and interests. Help your pregnant daughter brainstorm on how she can reach her dreams. Would an adoption plan help her to refocus on her interests and finish her education?

5) "Love. Always look for the potential in your kids and let them know that you love them." You do not have to approve of all your daughter's actions in order to tell her that you love her. Let her know that she has potential for the future and help her examine choices that will lead her toward that potential.

Free Webinar: Strategies for Parenting Teens - A Guide To Balanced Parenting

The National Fatherhood Institute will be offering a free webinar on Thursday, June 25, 2pm-3pm Eastern Time. The topic is "Strategies for Parenting Teens - A Guide To Balanced Parenting"

Learn strategies for successfully balancing your life with your teen's, and for navigating the ups and downs of the teen years. This webinar will help you balance work and family priorities while developing and maintaining a healthy relationship with your teen(s).

The information on how to join the Webinar and to participate in the teleconference will be provided in a separate e-mail after you confirm your registration.

System Requirements
PC-based attendees Required: Windows® 2000, XP Home, XP Pro, 2003 Server, Vista
Macintosh®-based attendees Required: Mac OS® X 10.4 (Tiger®) or newer

5 Life Roles of a Teenage Mother

Your pregnant teen daughter needs your help with the five roles she is juggling. Your local pregnancy help center may have classes that can help your daughter with the information she needs.

1) Teenager. "Teenage mothers think and act like teenagers. Just like any other teenager, they can be self-centered and may find it difficult to plan for the future. ... Boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, getting along with parents, and what to do after high school."

2) Mother. "Our society views motherhood as something special. We believe mothers should provide security and stability for their children. A mother must sacrifice many of her own wants and desires for the benefit of her child. But most teens have not reached this level of maturity. Teenage mothers may want to be good mothers but lack parenting skills (information on nutrition, child discipline, and other topics that will help teenage mothers rear and provide for their children)."

3) Student. "Finishing high school is a critical step toward independence for the teen mom."

4) Employee. "Many believe that it would be best if the mothers did not work and instead spent the majority of their time with their children. While this may be the ideal situation, the fact remains that many teenage mothers must work in order to provide for their children. In order to help those mothers who will need to work, ...cover such topics as: how to find quality childcare, how to dress for a job interview, how to interview for a job, and how to become a reliable and valued employee."

5) Seeker. "Finally, most teenage mothers are either unsaved or have wandered away from Christ. The primary problem for these teen moms is spiritual, even though they may not realize it at first. The teenage mother must be reconciled to Christ before she can experience the healing that comes from forgiveness and find the new purpose and direction she needs."

The information in this post is summarized from an article titled "The Five Life Roles of a Teenage Mother" by Christa March, in "At the Center" magazine, Winter 2004.

We discuss some of this information in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy". You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Supporting my daughter as she makes decisions", "The pregnancy resource center", "Completing school", and "Our hope for the next five years".

Survey delves into high birth rate for young Latinas

A recent article on CNN was titled "Survey delves into high birth rate for young Latinas" and says that "Latinas now have the highest teen birth rate among all ethnic and racial groups in the United States." The article listed several statistics:

• 53% of Latinas get pregnant in their teens, about twice the national average.
• 84% of Latino teens and 91% of Latino parents believe that graduating from college or having a career is the most important goal for a teen's future.
• "In 2007, the birth rate among non-Hispanic whites ages 15 to 19 was 27.2 per 1,000, and 64.3 per 1,000 for non-Hispanic black teens in the same age range. The teen birth rate among Hispanic teens ages 15 to 19 was 81.7 per 1,000."
• "Of the 759 Latino teens surveyed, 49 percent said their parents most influenced their decisions about sex, compared with 14 percent who cited friends. Three percent cited religious leaders, 2 percent teachers and 2 percent the media."
• "74 percent of Latino teens believe that parents send one message about sex to their sons and a different message altogether to their daughters, possibly related to the Latino value of machismo."
• "72 percent of sexually experienced teens say they wish they had waited."
• "34 percent of Latino teens believe that being a teen parent would prevent them from reaching their goals, but 47 percent say being a teen parent would simply delay them from reaching their goals."
• "76 percent said it is important to be married before starting a family."
• 69% of Latino teen moms drop out of high school.

Talk to your pregnant daughter about these statistics. Does she believe that graduation from college is an important goal for her life? Who does she think most influences her decisions about sex: you (her parents), friends, religious leaders, teachers, or the media? Does she feel that you send her one message about sex but a different message to her brothers? Does she wish she had waited to have sex? Does she think that being a mother will prevent her from reaching her goals, or simply delay her goals?

You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Who is the pregnant single mother?" and "Completing school" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

"God, Why?"

Yesterday we blogged about the possible dangers of a teen daughter dating someone who is several years older than herself. Earlier in the week we blogged about warning signs of an abusive relationship.

Here's a real-life example that appeared in "The Elliot Institute News" from the Leader in Post-Abortion Research, Vol. 8, No. 6 -- April 16, 2009.

"God, Why?"
One Woman Shares Her Personal Story

I was living in Texas, with my mom, dad, and four brothers. My parents divorced when I was 13. My mother was sick most of my childhood life, in and out of hospitals and mental institutions.

Then in the eighth grade I met someone who was 19 years old (I was only 14 years old.) I think I leaned on him for support because my dad had moved to another state for job reasons and my mom was sick. In some ways I was a little mother for my four brothers.

My boyfriend abused me by slapping me and controlling everything I did. I was just a child. I didn't realize then how serious my situation was. We started having sex and I got pregnant.

My mother decided I should have an abortion and my boyfriend gave me the money to go. My oldest brother took me to Dallas to have the abortion. I was only four weeks pregnant.

When I walked into the abortion clinic, I remember seeing so many young, scared faces just like mine. …. I remember waking up in a room all alone and scared. I went home and little did I know that my trouble and pain were just beginning.

I was still being abused by my boyfriend and then my mother was sick. I had to live with an aunt I did not know.

My two younger brothers lived with different aunts and I and my older brothers stayed in Texas. I had lost my family and until then hadn't realized how my abortion affected me.

Time went by and I met new friends but I was still a very hurt and confused teenager. I was watching TV one evening and a show came on about conceiving a baby and how it grows inside the mother's womb. Then it talked about abortion.

For the first time in my life I realized what I had done. I started crying and screaming. I ran into my bedroom and hit the walls with my fists. I was sobbing, “God, why?” I cried for hours.

I am 33 years old now and still there are days when I cry. Every day of my life I have pain inside of me.

I think it should be a law for women, especially teenagers, to see a film on abortion before they decide to have one. I know it would have saved my baby's life.

I don't blame my mother because she still saw me as a child … I carry the responsibility and the pain.

~~~

Learn more: For more personal stories of abortion, including coerced, forced and unwanted abortions, visit www.TheUnchoice.com.

More personal stories and a reflection on the personal and social obstacles women often face before, during and after abortion, can be found in the book Giving Sorrow Words: Women's Stories of Grief After Abortion, by Melinda Tankard Reist.

Age differences in dating

Download yourself a copy of the online booklet called "Relationship Redux: Tips and Scripts for Talking to your Kids about Relationships" (by Bill Albert and Jessica Sheets).

This booklet says:

FAST FACT: 13% of same-age relationships among those aged 12-14 include sexual intercourse. If the partner is just two older, that number doubles: 26% of the relationships include sex. If the partner is three or more years older, 33% of the relationships include sex.

TIP: Group activities among young people are fine, often fun, and can be a terrific way to develop relationships that are not necessarily of the intense, bf/gf variety. Steady, frequent, one-on-one dating much before age 16 is another story altogether. In particular, be very cautious about letting your teenage son/daughter develop an intense relationship with
someone who is three or more years older. For example, research makes clear that romantic relationships between very young teens significantly increase the risk of too-early and unwanted sex. Dating in the presence of large age differences is similarly a high-risk proposition.

On all of these matters—group dating, early dating, or dating someone older—don’t wait until your young teen proposes a plan that differs from your preferences in this area otherwise he/she will think you just don’t like the particular person or invitation.

Begin laying the groundwork and ground rules long before dating is even an option.

Sexting

Download yourself a copy of the online booklet called "Relationship Redux: Tips and Scripts for Talking to your Kids about Relationships" (by Bill Albert and Jessica Sheets).

This booklet says:

FAST FACT: One in five teens say they have sent electronically or posted online nude or semi-nude photos or video of themselves.

This behavior is being called "sexting", a play on the word "texting". We've blogged about this topic before (click here for previous article).

Ask your kids if they have sent or posted nude/semi-nude photos/video of themselves. Have they sent explicit messages?

The research indicates that teens who are sending/posting explicit content are trying to impress a boyfriend/girlfriend. Was that your kid's motiviation, too?

Talk about these questions:

Is that really how you want to develop a relationship with someone?

If someone you’re interested in asks you to send a nude picture of yourself what does that say about that person?

Is that someone who is really interested in a meaningful relationship? Remember, you are
in charge of your life—don’t let anyone pressure you to do things that you don’t want to do and that you might regret.

It is also true that many teens are sharing these images and messages with their friends—do
you really want your most private thoughts and images passed around?

Do you really want nude pictures of yourself floating around the internet when you are
applying for college or for a job?

Relationship red flags

Download yourself a copy of the online booklet called "Relationship Redux: Tips and Scripts for Talking to your Kids about Relationships" (by Bill Albert and Jessica Sheets).

This booklet says:

FAST FACT: One in five teens who have been in a serious relationship say they have been hit, slapped, or pushed by a partner; one in four teen girls say their boyfriend has tried to prevent them from spending time with friends or family; and one in four teen girls say they have been pressured to go further sexually than they wanted.

Ask your teens (and your college student, and even your older child) if they have been hit/slapped/pushed by a partner. Are they currently in a relationship where that is happening?

Ask your girls if any of their boyfriends have ever tried to control who they spend time with. Is that happening in the current relationship?

Ask your girls if any of their boyfriends have pressured them to go further sexually than they wanted. Is that happening in the current relationship? For your pregnant daughter, was her sexual activity with the baby's father by mutual consent, or did he pressure her into it?

The booklet has some great questions to help you talk about relationship problems. Talk to all your kids about their current and past relationships, using these questions. For your pregnant daughter, these are very important questions to discuss about her relationship with the baby's father.

1) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend pressure you to make the relationship very serious or have sex quickly?

2) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend act jealous or possessive of you?

3) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend ignore boundaries of any sort that you have set?

4) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend insult you privately or in front of others?

5) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend not let you have your own identity? Do they try to control where you go, what you wear, or what you do?

6) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend IM or text you constantly?

7) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend refuse to consider your point of view or your desires, or simply doesn't listen to what you have to say?

8) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend keep you from talking to or spending time with close friends or family?

9) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend blame alcohol or drugs for their behavior?

10) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend threaten to hurt you, someone you care about, or themselves if you were to leave them?

These questions point out serious red flags about the relationship and indicate that the relationship is not respectful or caring. Help your kids know that they are worthy of respect and worthy of being treated with care.

Talking about relationships

Download yourself a copy of the online booklet called "Relationship Redux: Tips and Scripts for Talking to your Kids about Relationships" (by Bill Albert and Jessica Sheets).

This booklet says,

FAST FACT: Teens say that the most important thing parents can do to teach them about successful relationships is to talk to them about relationships, not just about the birds and the bees. Teens report that the second most important thing that parents can do is to listen when
they talk about the people in their lives.

FAST FACT: Teens say that parents most influence their decisions about relationships—more than friends, the media, other family members, or even their own boyfriend or girlfriend.

FAST FACT: Teens say that trust is the most important part of a healthy relationship.

Read the scripts provided in the booklet to help you see how to start a conversation with your kids about their relationships. This type of conversation should not be a one-time event. Ask your kids every month about how their relationships are going currently.

This booklet has some great questions to ask your kids who are dating (regardless of their age):

1) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend understand how special you are and do they appreciate all those things that make you special? That is, do they respect you and all that you are?

2) Trust is important in all types of relationships. Do you trust your boyfriend/girlfriend and — just as important— does he/she trust you?

3) Open and honest communication is also a critical ingredient of any healthy partnership. Do you have ongoing, open, two-way conversations (not fights, not lectures) about topics that are
important to you? Do you discuss your feelings? Your goals?

4) Does your boyfriend/girlfriend support you through thick and thin? It’s easy to be on board during the good times, but what about when things get rocky? Can you count on him/her to be there for you?

5) Is your relationship a two-way street? Think about it: does one of you make nearly all of the decisions in your relationship? Do you only hang out with “his friends?” Do you only see romantic comedies or smash-em-up movies? Do both of you make important contributions to what is
happening in your relationship?

These questions make an great start to evaluating the relationship of your pregnant daughter to the baby's father. If that relationship doesn't stand up to even these simple questions, then it is more likely that the baby's father will not make a good marriage candidate. But if the relationship is solid based on these simple questions, it is worth doing more exploring.

7 Myths about Pregnancy

Scientific American has a short slide show that addresses seven myths about pregnancy.



1) Myth: Only the mother's biological clock matters.

2) Myth: Fat pregnant women are more likely to have overweight babies.

3) Myth: Gender can be predicted by size of "baby bump".

4) Myth: Pregnant women should avoid eating peanuts to decrease the chance that the baby will be allergic to them.

5) Myth: A fetus with a full head of hair causes mother to have more heartburn.

6) Myth: Lifting heavy objects could cause the placenta to detach from the uterus.

7) Myth: Women eat more food when expecting a boy.



I'm sure your pregnant daughter has heard lots of other pregnancy myths. We've blogged about some of them previously. Ask her what she's heard about pregnancy, and then research those ideas together to see if they are true or false.

Guidance vs Independence

The National Fatherhood Initiative has a great list of tips about helping your kids think independently and make good choices for themselves yet still provide the guidance and boundaries they need. These tips can be applied to your pregnant daughter and to any of her younger siblings.

1) Get their opinion. Your pregnant daughter has a LOT of decisions to make about her own future and the future of her child, your grandchild. Handle one decision at a time so as to not get overwhelmed. Ask her opinion about the particular decision and ask her to explain the reasons she used to arrive at that opinion; explain your opinion and the logic you used to arrive at that opinion. Do research together to make sure you've got the facts right; change your opinion if the facts show that you were wrong about something.

2) Let them experience consequences. Your pregnant daughter is currently experiencing one consequence of her sexual activity outside of marriage. She is responsible for the care of her child. Spend a lot of time talking with your spouse and with caring advisors about what kind of aid you will provide your daughter, given her stage of life. I recently heard an interesting phrase: "Enabling is doing something for someone that they CAN and should be doing for themselves." This will be different for each situation. A young teen is likely not capable of living on their own outside your home, so you are not enabling her by housing her. On the other hand, you might be enabling a 20-something by providing free housing. You'll have to evaluate the capabilities of your pregnant daughter in each area, and let her experience reasonable consequences relative to her capabilities.

3) Praise good decisions. Offer verbal praise when your pregnant daughter makes a good decision even if you're still angry or fearful of the general situation. For example, praise her for eating right and getting prenatal care even if you're still angry that she's pregnant at all.

4) Face fears together. Talk to your pregnant daughter about your fears, not only for her and her child, but for your own life. Tell her how you've handled fears in your life so far. Ask her about her fears. Help her brainstorm ways to handle her fears about her future.

5) Don't give up! Encourage your pregnant daughter to persevere, to learn new skills, and to develop a strong work ethic and motivation. These traits will serve her well regardless of whether she marries the baby's father, is a single parent, or parents via adoption.

Challenging Times

In a recent article called "Ten Benefts of Difficult Economic Times", authors Wes Willmer and Calvin Howe have some interesting points that are relevant to the parents of a pregnant daughter.

They say, "God gives us challenging times to (1) deepen our own personal faith, (2) improve our ...long-term effectiveness, and (3) focus on our call to fulfill the Great Commission of winning the world to Christ. No matter how bad our situation... God is with His people, and He provides a way for us to find joy and contentment within the circumstance in which we find ourselves."

Don't let the challenge of a daughter pregnant outside of marriage destroy your faith. Recognize this as a time to deepen your own faith. Don't cut yourself off from church, fellowship, and your personal time with God. Now is the time for more Bible study and prayer, not less. Search the Bible for verses that address the emotions you are facing. You may find it helpful to read "Daily Contentment with God" by Howard Ford, a daily devotional that shows you how the Bible has practical advice for topics like anger, fear, and depression.

Don't let the challenge of a daughter pregnant outside of marriage derail your ministry. You may be like Queen Esther ... you are going through this challenge so that you can minister to others based on what you experience now. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

Your daughter's child is now a member of your responsibility in the Great Commission. God is placing this child in your family. God desires you to minister to that child, teach him/her about God, and lead that child into God's family.

A Christian woman we worked with recently told us that she was reluctantly but seriously considering abortion because she was uncertain about the future of her relationship with the baby's father and she was uncertain about the future economic situation. You may be feeling the same. Write down a reminder that God is with you. Post the reminder where you will see it. Write down a reminder that God provides a way through the challenges of life. Do not give in to the "quick and easy" abortion that destroys the child God has created. The future is always uncertain..this will never change. Matthew 6:34 reminds us "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." So take Godly actions today instead of sinful actions based on fear of the future.

The outcome

Today, make an effort to not focus so much on how out of control you feel about your daughter's pregnancy outside of marriage. Just for today.

Instead, today focus on the things you do have control over: namely, how you will face Today. Your own attitude. Your own choices for the day.

What can you do today to help make today okay?
Don't beat yourself up ... treat yourself well.
Eat right.
Get some exercise.
Connect with supportive friends.
Connect with God.

Supporting your spouse

When a daughter announces her pregnancy outside of marriage, you can bet that a lot of the time her mother and father will react differently from each other.

In "A Conversation with a Counselor" (March/April 2009 issue of Stepping Stones newsletter by Bethany Christian Services), author John Van Regenmorter encourages husbands and wives to consider the following:

• Be patient with each other. Men and women are going to handle this differently. It doesn't mean that one spouse is handling it right and the other is handling it wrong; it just means that each spouse is handling it differently.
• Do not rely only on your spouse for support - that puts a lot of pressure on your marriage. You cannot expect your spouse to be everything for you throughout this entire process. Find a friend or support group to help you, or look for support online.
• Communicate with your spouse. Most men truly want to make their wives feel better. They would love to fix the situation, but they can't. Women need to tell their husbands what they can do. Men are not mind readers. Wives my need to say, "You can't fix this, but I really appreciate it when you bring me flowers, or I really appreciate it when you just give me some time by myself."

You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Talking with my husband" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Would counseling help?

You and your family are in a stressful situation when your daughter is pregnant outside of marriage! You might want to seek counsel if you are feeling anxious, or if you need help making the multitude of decisions you face, or if you are working through the grief cycle, or if your relationships are being strained by the stress of your daughter's pregnancy. You could seek counsel from a religious leader, a peer counselor, a professional counselor, or trained mentors at a pregnancy resource center.

Would counseling benefit your daughter, your family, and you? You don't need to wait until you've hit bottom before you seek counseling, and you don't need to delve into the past if you don't want to... just have a conversation about what you're experiencing right now during your daughter's pregnancy.

The above tips were adapted from "A Conversation with a Counselor" by John Van Regenmorter, in the March/April 2009 "Stepping Stones" newsletter by Bethany Christian Services.

Saving some money

The National Fatherhood Initiative has a few ideas about saving some money which can be easily adapted for parents with a pregnant daughter.

1) Ask around. There are other families out there that also have a pregnant daughter. Can you connect with them at a local pregnancy resource center? Finding others in your situation can help you by giving you a place to vent, to trade ideas, and get support, but also to explore opportunities to save money by carpooling to doctor's appointments, or to trade clothing, baby items and other resources like babysitting.

2) Buy used. Many items for your daughter and her baby really do not need to be brand new! Clothing, bedding, and furniture are popular items to buy used. Look for cribs, swings, bouncy seats etc. at garage sales, church closet ministries, and thrift stores. Babies outgrow clothing very very quickly, so make it a game to see how little you can pay for used clothes instead of buying new. Again, your local pregnancy resource center may be a huge treasure trove of items and education.

3) Comparison shop. "If there was ever a time to do your research, it's now. Make sure you are buying groceries from the most economical grocery store, and check for sales before you purchase something you need." The cost of diapers can be enormous. Look for coupons and sales. Read reviews of other items, like car seats, and shop around in person and online. Some expensive brands are not clearly superior to cheaper alternatives. Seriously investigate breastfeeding education instead of expensive formula. Help your daughter learn to breastfeed for a minimum of a month before she gives up on it.

Priorities and Goals

The National Fatherhood Initiative has an article titled "Resolutions for All Your Roles." This makes a great discussion topic for your family meeting. If the baby's father will be involved with the baby, make him a part of this discussion too. Give each person a piece of paper and a pen.

1) Brainstorm all the roles each person plays, and write them down. For example, mother/father, husband/wife, brother/sister, employee/volunteer, student, sports team player, friend, etc.

2) Pick the five most important roles from this list.

3) Create goals for each role, for this year. See our previous post about making goals.

Example goals for mothers and fathers:

• Schedule time each week for kids
• Start or keep traditions
• Hug your kids each day
• Talk to your kids about tough stuff
• Teach your kids about money
• Be healthy together

Example goals for husbands and wives:

• Schedule a monthly date night
• Kiss your spouse every day
• Listen more
• Engage in conversation over dinner
• Help each other with taking care of the kids and household chores

Example goals for employees and students:

• Get organized
• Take the initiative on projects and assignments
• Create a plan to keep work/school in balance with family time
• Develop your leadership skills

Example goals for sons and daughters:

• Talk to your parents regularly
• Remember important family events like birthdays and anniversaries
• Plan ways to spend time with family regularly

8 Traits of Teens Who Abstain From Sex

The blog post in the title is on US News and discusses how abstainance provides better outcomes for teens though the same is true of any age group. At the bottom of the post, Dr. Healy lists 8 character traits that would really be of benefit to your pregnant daughter:

1. Future orientation, with a focus on long-term goals. Whether your daugher plans to marry the baby's father, parent alone, or choose a family to raise her child in adoption, help her figure out where she wants her life to be in one year, five years and ten years. What goals can she aim for that would motivate her to postpone current pleasure and to persevere? You might find it helpful to read the chapters "Where will we be in a year?" and "Our hope for the next five years" from our book "How to Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."
2. Willingness to postpone current pleasures for larger future rewards. As a parent yourself, you know how often your daughter will need to practice this trait when she is mothering a child and must put the needs of the child first. If your daughter is choosing adoption, she is also practicing this trait.
3. Perseverance, as in the ability to stick to a task or commitment. Your pregnant daughter will need perseverance no matter what course she chooses. If she marries the baby's father, she'll need perseverance as she takes on the new roles of wife and mother. If she parents alone, she'll need perseverance to care not only for every need of the child but also to improve her own situation for a positive future. If she is choosing adoption, she'll need perseverance to stick to that committment even when it is emotionally painful.
4. A belief that current behavior can positively affect the future. Your pregnant daughter needs to believe that her current behaviors of healthy eating, appropriate exercise, finishing school, not smoking or doing drugs, etc. can have a clear affect on her future and the future of her child. If she doesn't see the connection between behavior and the outcomes of the future, she is not likely to make positive choices.
5. Impulse control, including ability to control emotions and desires. This is a vital behavior for all men and women who are parenting children. This is a vital behavior in any relationship such as marriage. How can you help your daughter practice thinking and self control before taking action?
6. Resistance to peer influence. I would add the adjective "negative" here...some peer influence can be positive and help your daughter make good choices, but she needs to learn how to resist negative influence that leads her down the wrong path.
7. Respect for parental and social values. I would modify this one too. Some social values these days just aren't healthy. Society seems to value only those who are very slim, beautiful, and sexy. These kinds of values do not help her have a positive sense of self-worth and personal dignity. Society's values often conflict with the family and religious values that have will a more positive effect on her life.
8. Sense of self-worth and personal dignity. The best source of an accurate sense of self-worth and dignity (neither too poor nor too over-inflated) comes from understanding how God views us as His creations.

If your children have demonstrated some of these characteristics in the past, point out these times to your kids and tell them you are proud of them. Praise your children when they demonstrate these characteristics now, and talk to them about what they could have done differently when they fail.

Resolutions

The National Fatherhood Initiative suggests these resolutions for Dads in particular, but these are great for all parents (both yourself as a parent and your pregnant daughter as a parent):

1. SCHEDULE time for your kids. Don't let time with your children be whatever is leftover in your work schedule. Spending time is how you show love. So intentionally schedule blocks of time dedicated to your kids during the week and during the weekend, and then guard those appointments just as you would guard an important meeting or a doctor's visit. With a pregnant daughter, you need to make sure you spend emotional energy on your other children too...they need time when they are the center of your attention instead of worrying about all the issues surrounding your pregnant daughter.
2. Start traditions. "These don't have to be huge and/or time consuming. Bath time, bed time stories, helping with homework, weekend movies together - whatever it is, do it on a consistent basis."
3. Hug your kids, every day. Virginia Satir, a family therapist, said that "We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth."
4. Talk to your kids about tough stuff. In addition to drugs, violence, and what's going on in the world, you have plenty of tough topics to address when you have a pregnant daughter! Your kids probably have questions. Spend some private time with each one and ask them what they are thinking about their pregnant sister. Talk to your pregnant daughter about the tough topics like how she will finish her education, whether adoption or parenting is best for her and the baby, and her future. Try to have frequent, shorter discussions rather than long exhausting debates!
5. Teach your kids about money. Show them how much the bills for your family are each month. Take out a calculator and have them figure out how many hours they would have to work to pay the bill at $6 an hour (and other wages). When they want to buy something, ask them to figure out how many hours of work that item represents before they put it in the shopping cart. Include lessons about tithing and saving, too! Take your pregnant daughter to the grocery store and compare the prices of formula versus breastfeeding, and of cloth diapers versus disposable ones.
6. Be healthy. Your pregnant daughter needs to be eating as healthy as possible, and getting appropriate exercise. Why not get your whole family to join her in her exercise and new eating habits?

Discipline with Integrity

In his book "Character Connections", Robert Baggett has an essay titled "Discipline with Integrity" in which he says:

Before you can discipline a child, you first have to discipline yourself. Parents who scream and make irrational threats like "I'm gonna kill you!" never get much respect. Children soon learn that such parents are too lazy and, perhaps, too apathetic, to follow through on much of anything they say. Wise parents know to think carefully about the consequences they impose because enforcing those consequences will require time and energy of their own.

What did you say when you discovered that your unmarried teen or college daughter was pregnant? Did you threaten to kick her out of the house? Did you threaten other severe consequences? There is no doubt that pregnancy outside of marriage automatically creates consequences for the entire family, not just the pregnant daughter. There may be reasonable consequence that you choose to add, but take the time to think carefully about them instead of reacting from your emotion.

T.H.I.N.K. before you speak

In the crushing emotions of discovering that your daughter is pregnant, you may have said some things you now regret. The stresses of her pregnancy will give you many many more opportunities to choose your words more carefully in the coming days. The following acronym from the book "Character Connections" by Robert Baggett may be helpful to you. Before you speak, remember to THINK:

T - Is what you're about to say True?
H - Is what you're about to say Helpful?
I - Is what you're about to say Important?
N - Is what you're about to say Necessary?
K - Is what you're about to say Kind?

If not, can you reword your thoughts or put them off until another time? Maybe they shouldn't even be said, just vented into a private journal or into a prayer.

Growing with your children

The National Fatherhood Institute reminds parents that your parenting skills must grow and change as your children grow. It may seem obvious, but it can be a challenge to learn how to parent teens effectively --- you may already know that too! In their article "Growing With Your Kids" they say that some things about your parenting must stay the same as the kids grow and others must change.

Stay the Same: Your kids will always need to be committed to them and to be involved in their lives. This is so very true when your daughter is pregnant. You may be angry and threaten to kick her out of the house. Your finances may already be breaking before her child is born. But your daughter still needs to to be committed to her! Brainstorm with her about the challenges your family is facing so that the family can support each other, not tear itself apart.

Stay the Same: Your kids will always need your love and encouragement, no matter how many mistakes they make. When your toddler wanted to eat candy off the floor over and over and over and over, you didn't stop loving her. Don't stop loving your daughter now just because her mistakes have bigger consequences. Believe in your daughter, and tell her that you believe in her. Find something encouraging to say, even if you have to look hard to find it.

Stay the Same: Teach. As a mother, you have a wealth of experience to teach your daughter about now that she is pregnant. Think back to when you were pregnant. Were you scared? Were you worried? You daughter is probably feeling these things too. Share with her the things that scared you and also how it turned out. Your family has many decisions to make about the life of your grandchild, so talk about how your beliefs and convictions can be lived out in this difficult situation.

Change: Listen more. Get your daughter talking by asking her open-ended questions instead of yes/no questions. Then listen for her emotions behind the words she says. See if you can figure out how her mind is working. Challenge yourself to really pay attention so that she will be wrong if she says "You never listen to me! You don't understand me!"

Change: Teach different things. Now that your daughter is pregnant, any abstract lessons you've tried to teach about responsibility need to become concrete very quickly. She is a mother now and needs to train for the responsibilities that entails. Your pregnant daughter needs to learn a lot of new skills: how to bathe a slippery infant, how to feed and dress a squirmy child, how to know when the child is ill, etc. She also needs more realistic lessons about money and budgeting: can she really afford Baby Gap clothes? how many diapers will she need each week? How will she get to doctor's appointments? How will she pay the doctor? How will she pay for babysitting while she is at work or school? Don't forget time management skills too: how will she finish school while caring for the baby? Who will get up for the 3am feeding?

Change: Setting goals. Now that your daughter is pregnant, she needs to re-plan her life. How does this grandchild change her plans for the next 12 months? 5 years? 10 years? Help your daughter set long term goals like finishing school, but also set short term goals like getting to her doctor's appointments on time.