Sexual purity, step 3

"Reading your male: an invitation to understand and influence your man's sexuality", by Mary Farrar, is a meaty book that has some interesting topics that would make for good conversations (maybe even debates) with your pregnant daughter.

On page 175, Farrar is talking about how Christians can have victory over the sin in their lives. Talk to your unmarried pregnant daughter about these steps, in the context of her sexual purity.

"God's Word gives us a strategy that inevitably spells defeat for Satan:
1) Assuming a fighting spirit.
2) Assessing innate vulnerabilities.
3) Killing temptation.
4) Feeding upon good things - the wise words and counsel of God.
5) Locking arms with transparent, like-minded friends.
6) Using healthy sex IN MARRIAGE as a weapon against Satan."

Briefly, here's how she describes step 3. Discuss these with your pregnant daughter.

In step 2, Farrar talks about understanding the areas that are temptations to sin. To kill temptation, she says you need to both starve the temptation and also flee the temptation.

To starve sexual temptation, your daughter needs to not feed it. What has fed her sexual desires in the past? Romance novels? TV shows? Movies? Social media websites? Drugs? Alcohol? A particular set of friends? Feeling lonely? Feeling angry? To starve temptations in the future, she needs to abstain from whatever has fed her desires. If she has been tempted to be sexual because she is feeling lonely or angry, help her find a good counselor who can help her resolve the root issue.

Fleeing tempation is what she has to do when she has not been able to avoid the temptation in the first place. Once in the tempting situation, she needs to flee in order to remain pure. It might help for her to have something to remind her that God is always watching her.. she has no secret sins. Perhaps a promise ring would catch her eye when she is in the middle of temptation and remind her about her intent to stay pure. Brainstorm with your daughter about things she can say and do to escape a situation that is tempting her to sin sexually.

Sexual purity, step 2

"Reading your male: an invitation to understand and influence your man's sexuality", by Mary Farrar, is a meaty book that has some interesting topics that would make for good conversations (maybe even debates) with your pregnant daughter.

On page 175, Farrar is talking about how Christians can have victory over the sin in their lives. Talk to your unmarried pregnant daughter about these steps, in the context of her sexual purity.

"God's Word gives us a strategy that inevitably spells defeat for Satan:
1) Assuming a fighting spirit.
2) Assessing innate vulnerabilities.
3) Killing temptation.
4) Feeding upon good things - the wise words and counsel of God.
5) Locking arms with transparent, like-minded friends.
6) Using healthy sex IN MARRIAGE as a weapon against Satan."

Briefly, here's how she describes step 2. Discuss these with your pregnant daughter.

Know yourself. Know your trigger points: what trips you up? what causes you to stumble?

Farrar lists several things that are common triggers for sexual sin (p178)
1) Does your daughter have an addictive or painful background? She now has a sexually active background, so this may be a weak spot for her futuer sexual purity.
2) Is your pregnant daughter fearful of true intimacy? (letting people know her true self)
3) Has your daughter been deeply disappointed by her relationships?
4) Is there a silent distance or much arguing and high drama between you and her?
5) Is there other trouble in the family that causes a lot of family stress?
6) Is your pregnant daughter greatly stressed in work or school?
7) Does your pregnant daughter keep secrets or have areas of her life that you cannot be privy to?

All of these items make your daughter more vulnerable to sexual sin. Brainstorm with her about how these items can be overcome. If needed, find your daughter a counselor who can help her with these issues.

Sexual purity, step 1

"Reading your male: an invitation to understand and influence your man's sexuality", by Mary Farrar, is a meaty book that has some interesting topics that would make for good conversations (maybe even debates) with your pregnant daughter.

On page 175, Farrar is talking about how Christians can have victory over the sin in their lives. Talk to your unmarried pregnant daughter about these steps, in the context of her sexual purity.

"God's Word gives us a strategy that inevitably spells defeat for Satan:
1) Assuming a fighting spirit.
2) Assessing innate vulnerabilities.
3) Killing temptation.
4) Feeding upon good things - the wise words and counsel of God.
5) Locking arms with transparent, like-minded friends.
6) Using healthy sex IN MARRIAGE as a weapon against Satan."

Briefly, here's how she describes step 1.

1) Assuming a fighting spirit. In terms of sexual purity, does your pregnant daughter feel that the fight against sexual sin is a worthy fight? Does she realize that sexual sin is destructive to her life? Is your unwed pregnant daughter genuinely repentant for her sexual sin, or is she simply sorry that she got caught in the consequences?

Farrar asks, "What is genuine repentence? It is more than sorrow; it is a heart-felt sickness over the sin and an equally heart-felt choice to reverse course and walk in the opposite direction. ... True repentence [is] forthcoming, palpably ashamed and openly humble, willing to accept the consequences, and committed to do whatever is necessary for change and restoration."

She continues, "God forgives a genuinely repentant person. He forgives completely and forever." Note that he usually doesn't remove the natural consequences of the sinful action...we still have to deal with those.

Talk with your unmarried pregnant daughter about repentence and forgiveness. Does she believe she is repentent? Do you believe she is repentent? Has she asked God for forgiveness? How can you encourage each other to live in forgiveness while still facing the fact that a consequence (pregnancy) is present? You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Forgiving my daughter" and "Restoring sexual integrity" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Review: Guys are Waffles, Girls are Spaghetti

"Guys are Waffles, Girls are Spahetti" by Chad Eastham with Bill & Pam Farrel

This book is written in a very casual conversation style, aimed at young to mid teens. Boys might enjoy it more than girls because of the examples Chad gives from his own life about how he was an awkward teen. The text may seem rambling to adults, but perhaps this style will appeal to teens because it won't feel like a lecture.

The goal of the book is to discuss gender differences and realtionships. Chad gives a short explanation of brain anatomy and the main analogy that guy are waffles (they compartmentalize) while girls are spaghetti (everything can be interconnected). He also discusses sexting, learning listening skills, and dating.

Chad talks about the various reasons that some people date:

• The rebel dater who simply wants to show independence and gain freedom.
• "Dating for a daddy"...girls that are looking for love to replace the love they are not getting from their fathers. This may be especially true in single parent families.
• Serial dating... constantly jumping from relationship to relationship because the person feels they can't be alone.
• "Missionary dating" ..."This term describes people who date others with very different religious and social viewpoints from their own with the hope of 'converting' them."

Near the end of the book, Chad talks about sex. He reminds readers that guys and girls have sex for different reasons: guys give love in order to get sex, girls give sex in order to get love. Discuss this with your kids.

Talk to your kids about these neat factoids mentioned in the book:

• 96% of high school relationships will not last. Chad discusses the idea that dating in high school should strive not to involve deep committment and romantic emotions (and also be very limited physically) in order to protect yourself from heartbreak (due to the fact that so few of these relationships last). Talk about Chad's question with your kids: "If I were to tell you that you will date someone but that you probably won't marry that person, then what would you do differently in that relationship?" Most girls say they would be less likely to be sexual with their boyfriend.
• "The younger you start dating and the more often you date people, the higher your odds are of experiencing unhealthy relationship habits, negative feelings, depression, a poor self-image, sexual abuse, rape, less relationship satisfaction, and a higher risk of suicide."
• "The average age difference for married couples in the United States is just over two years. The average difference in age between teen girls who get pregnant and the guys who get them pregnant is 6.2 years."

The back of the book has a study guide that has questions that would be great conversation starters.

Attitudes About Cohabitation

A Child Trends Research Brief from July 2009 was titled "Young Adult Attitudes About Relationships and Marriage: Times May Have Changed, But Expectations Remain High".

This Brief discusses data from a survey of U.S. students who were in 7th-12th grade during the years 1994-1995. This survey was a follow-up, conducted in 2001-2002 and had responses from 11,988 young adults between the ages of 20 and 24.

"According to national estimates, the proportion of women that had cohabited by their late thirties has steadily increased from 30 percent in 1987, to almost 50 percent in 1995, to 61 percent by 2002."

The survey asked the question, "It is all right for an unmarried couple to live together even if they are not interested in considering marriage." 57% of survey respondants agreed with this statement, 19% were neutral, and 24% disagreed. 46% of married young adults agreed, 70% of young adults currently cohabiting agreed, 59% of those in a relationship but not living together agreed, and 60% of those not in any relationship agreed.

Talk to your pregnant daughter and family about these statistics. What are your opinions about marriage and cohabitation? What does your family think and why?

Attitudes About A Successful Relationship

A Child Trends Research Brief from July 2009 was titled "Young Adult Attitudes About Relationships and Marriage: Times May Have Changed, But Expectations Remain High".

This Brief discusses data from a survey of U.S. students who were in 7th-12th grade during the years 1994-1995. This survey was a follow-up, conducted in 2001-2002 and had responses from 11,988 young adults between the ages of 20 and 24.

"The Add Health survey identifies four elements that may serve as barometers of the relationship quality of couples between the ages of 20 and 24: love, fidelity, lifelong commitment, and having enough money. Respondents rated the importance of these elements for a successful relationship using a 1-10 scale in which 1 indicates not important at all and 10 indicates very important."

81% of men and 91% of women responding to the survey agreed that love is a very important component of a successful relationship. Similarly, 85% of men and 93% of women said that being faithful is very important. 72% of men and 82% of women said that making a lifelong committment is very important to a successful relationship. "More than 90% of married respondants said that they regarded love and fidelity as important elements of a relationship."

Only 26% of men and 21% of women said that having enough money is very important to a successful relationship. "Young adults who were cohabiting were somewhat more likely to feel that having enough money was a very important element of a successful relationship." In my experience, not having enough money is a main reason why pregnant couples say they couldn't possibly get married. Maybe money isn't as important to their long-term relationship as they think it is.

Talk to your pregnant daughter and your family about these statistics. How important do they think that love, being faithful, and making a lifelong committment are to a successful relationship?

Types of Young Adult Relationships

A Child Trends Research Brief from July 2009 was titled "Young Adult Attitudes About Relationships and Marriage: Times May Have Changed, But Expectations Remain High".

This Brief discusses data from a survey of U.S. students who were in 7th-12th grade during the years 1994-1995. This survey was a follow-up, conducted in 2001-2002 and had responses from 11,988 young adults between the ages of 20 and 24.

Survey results show that 76% of young adults (ages 20-24) were in a romantic relationship of some sort: 35% said they were dating but not living together, 21% were married, and 20% were cohabitating.

Nearly 90% of the survey respondants said that they had had sexual intercourse at some point. If we subtract the 21% who are married (because I hope they have a healthy sexual relationship!), then 69% of young adults surveyed who are not married have had sex. The Brief says "The vast majority of young adults have had sexual intercourse", referring to the 90% figure, but they are casually including the married young adults in order to make this number look so huge!

October is "Let's talk" month

The National Campaign to prevent teen and unplanned pregnancy reminds parents that October is "Let's talk" month, and encourages parents to have lots of little talks about sex and relationships, not one big talk. Here are Ten Tips they offer to parents:

1) Be clear about your own sexual values and attitudes. Communicating with your children about sex, love, and relationships is often more successful when you are certain in your own mind about these issues. To help clarify your attitudes and values, think about the following kinds of questions:
What do you really think about school-aged teenagers being sexually active - and perhaps even becoming parents?
Who is responsible for setting sexual limits in a relationship and how is that done, realistically?
Were you sexually active as a teenager and how do you feel about that now? Were you sexually active before you were married? What do such reflections lead you to say to your own children about these issues?
What do you think about encouraging teenagers to abstain from sex?
What do you think about teenagers using contraception?

2. Talk with your children early and often about sex, and be specific. Kids have lots of questions about sex, and they often say that the source they'd most like to go to for answers is their parents. Start the conversation, and make sure that it is honest, open, and respectful. If you can't think of how to start the discussion, consider using situations shown on television or in movies as conversation starters. Tell kids candidly and confidently what you think and why you take these positions; if you're not sure about some issues, tell them that, too.
Here are questions that kids say they want you to talk to them about:
How do I know if I'm in love?
Will sex bring me closer to my girlfriend/boyfriend?
How will I know when I'm ready to have sex?
Should I wait until marriage?
Will having sex make me popular?
Will it make me more grown-up and open up more adult activities to me?
How do I tell my boyfriend that I don't want to have sex without losing him or hurting his feelings?
How do I manage pressure from my girlfriend to have sex?
How does contraception work?
Can you get pregnant the first time?

Be a parent with a point of view. Tell your children what you think. Don't be reluctant to say, for example:
I think kids in high school are too young to have sex, especially given today's risks.
Our family's religion says that sex should be an expression of love within marriage.
Finding yourself in a sexually charged situation is not unusual; you need to think about how you'll handle it in advance. Have a plan. Will you say "no"?
It's okay to think about sex and to feel sexual desire. Everybody does! But it's not okay to get pregnant/get somebody pregnant as a teenager.
One of the many reasons I'm concerned about teens drinking is that it often leads to unprotected sex.
(For boys) Having a baby doesn't make you a man. Being able to wait and acting responsibly does.
(For girls) You don't have to have sex to keep a boyfriend. If sex is the price of a close relationship, find someone else.

3. Supervise and monitor your children and adolescents. Establish rules, curfews, and standards of expected behavior, preferably through an open process of family discussion and respectful communication. If your children get out of school at 3 pm and you don't get home from work until 6 pm, who is responsible for making certain that your children are not only safe during those hours, but are also engaged in useful activities? Where are they when they go out with friends? Are there adults around who are in charge? Supervising and monitoring your kids' whereabouts doesn't make you a nag; it makes you a parent.

4. Know your children's friends and their families. Friends have a strong influence on each other, so help your children and teenagers become friends with kids whose families share your values. Some parents of teens even arrange to meet with the parents of their children's friends to establish common rules and expectations. It is easier to enforce a curfew that all your child's friends share rather than one that makes him or her different - but even if your views don't match those of other parents, hold fast to your convictions. Welcome your children's friends into your home and talk to them openly.

5. Discourage early, frequent, and steady dating. Group activities among young people are fine and often fun, but allowing teens to begin steady, one-on-one dating much before age 16 can lead to trouble. Let your child know about your strong feelings about this throughout childhood - don't wait until your young teen proposes a plan that differs from your preferences in this area; otherwise, he or she will think you just don't like the particular person or invitation.

6. Take a strong stand against your daughter dating a boy significantly older than she is. And don't allow your son to develop an intense relationship with a girl much younger than he is. Older guys can seem glamorous to a young girl - sometimes they even have money and a car to boot. But the risk of matters getting out of hand increases when the guy is much older than the girl. Try setting a limit of no more than a two- (or at most three-) year age difference. The power differences between younger girls and older boys or men can lead girls into risky situations, including unwanted sex and sex with no protection.

7. Help your teenagers have options for the future that are more attractive than early pregnancy and parenthood. The chances that your children will delay sex, pregnancy, and parenthood are significantly increased if their futures appears bright. This means helping them set meaningful goals for the future, talking to them about what it takes to make future plans come true, and helping them reach their goals. Tell them, for example, that if they want to be a teacher, they will need to stay in school in order to earn various degrees and pass certain exams. It also means teaching them to use free time in a constructive way, such as setting aside certain times to complete homework assignments. Explain how becoming pregnant - or causing pregnancy - can derail the best of plans; for example, child care expenses can make it almost impossible to afford college. Community service, in particular, not only teaches job skills, but can also put teens in touch with a wide variety of committed and caring adults.

8. Let your kids know that you value education highly. Encourage your children to take school seriously and to set high expectations about their school performance. School failure is often the first sign of trouble that can end in teenage parenthood. Be very attentive to your children's progress in school and intervene early if things aren't going well. Keep track of your children's grades and discuss them together. Meet with teachers and principals, guidance counselors, and coaches. Limit the number of hours your teenager gives to part-time jobs (20 hours per week should be the maximum) so that there is enough time and energy left to focus on school. Know about homework assignments and support your child in getting them done. Volunteer at the school, if possible. Schools want more parental involvement and will often try to accommodate your work schedule, if asked.

9. Know what your kids are watching, reading, and listening to. The media (television, radio, movies, music videos, magazines, the Internet) are chock full of material sending the wrong messages. Sex rarely has meaning, unplanned pregnancy seldom happens, and few people having sex ever seem to be married or even especially committed to anyone. Is this consistent with your expectations and values? If not, it is important to talk with your children about what the media portray and what you think about it. If certain programs or movies offend you, say so, and explain why. Be "media literate" - think about what you and your family are watching and reading. Encourage your kids to think critically: ask them what they think about the programs they watch and the music they listen to.You can always turn the TV off, cancel subscriptions, and place certain movies off limits. You will probably not be able to fully control what your children see and hear, but you can certainly make your views known and control your own home environment.

10. These first nine tips for helping your children avoid teen pregnancy work best when they occur as part of strong, close relationships with your children that are built from an early age. Strive for a relationship that is warm in tone, firm in discipline, and rich in communication, and one that emphasizes mutual trust and respect. There is no single way to create such relationships, but the following habits of the heart can help:
Express love and affection clearly and often. Hug your children, and tell them how much they mean to you. Praise specific accomplishments, but remember that expressions of affection should be offered freely, not just for a particular achievement.
Listen carefully to what your children say and pay thoughtful attention to what they do.
Spend time with your children engaged in activities that suit their ages and interests, not just yours. Shared experiences build a "bank account" of affection and trust that forms the basis for future communication with them about specific topics, including sexual behavior.
Be supportive and be interested in what interests them. Attend their sports events; learn about their hobbies; be enthusiastic about their achievements, even the little ones; ask them questions that show you care and want to know what is going on in their lives.
Be courteous and respectful to your children and avoid hurtful teasing or ridicule. Don't compare your teenager with other family members (i.e., why can't you be like your older sister?).
Show that you expect courtesy and respect from them in return.
Help them to build self-esteem by mastering skills; remember, self-esteem is earned, not given, and one of the best ways to earn it is by doing something well.
Try to have meals together as a family as often as possible, and use the time for conversation, not confrontation.

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You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Restoring Sexual Integrity" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Teens with Older Sexual Partners

Child Trends published a fact sheet in April 2008 titled "Long-term consequences for teens with older sexual partners". This research examines whether having sexual intercourse before age 16 with a partner at least three years older was associated with becoming a teen parent or unmarried parent or acquiring a sexually transmitted disease (STD) by young adulthood (post-high school through the early twenties).

Findings:
1) 18% (nearly 1 in 5) middle school and high school girls reported having sex with an partner who who was three or more years older than themselves. Only 4% of boys were in the same position.
2) 55% of girls and 61% of boys reported that they had not yet had sexual intercourse by middle school or high school.
3) Girls who had an older sexual partner were more likely to acquire an STD, and more likely to have had a baby outside marriage by young adulthood.
4) Girls who had sex before age 16 with a partner at least three years older were twice as likely to test positive for an STD in young adulthood.
5) 27% of the girls in the research study reported that they had had at least one nonromantic sexual partner during adolescence.

Talk to your teens and college students about the dangers of dating someone that is more than 3 years older than themselves while they are not yet adults. The maturity and power differences pose serious risks until your children are adults themselves. Read our other blog entries about this topic: "Age differences in dating", "Sexual Behavior in America's Children", and "Teen Dating Abuse".

Sexual behaviors data

The most recent data (which is from year 2002) reports that:

• Among female adolescents aged 15-17 years, 30.0% reported ever having had sex, compared with 70.6% of those aged 18-19 years.
• Among male adolescents aged 15-17 years, 31.6% reported ever having had sex, compared with 64.7% of those aged 18-19 years.
• Among teenagers aged 15-19 years, 13.1% of females and 14.8% of males reported having had sex at age <15>

Talk to your teens and show them that very few minors (people under the age of 18) have had sex. They should not feel pressure from the statement "everyone is doing it" because it simply is not true that minors are all having sex. It also isn't true that "adult" teens are all having sex... about 1 in 3 are not! Ask your kids what they think it means that 65% of boys aged 18-19 have had sex while 71% of girls of the same age have had sex.

• Among females aged 18-24 years, 9.6% who had sex by age 20 years reported having had nonvoluntary first intercourse. Having ever been forced to have intercourse was reported by 14.3% of females aged 18-19 years and 19.1% of females aged 20-24 years.

Ask your daughters if they have ever been forced, coerced, or pressured into having sex. Was their first experience voluntary or involuntary? If your daughter has ever been forced, coerced, or pressured into sex, get her some counseling help to process the thoughts and emotions she has about that experience.

• The majority (58.7%) of females aged 15-19 years reported that their first sex partners were 1-3 years older than they were, and 22.4% reported that their first partners were ≥4 years older than they were.

Has your daughter been exploited by a male who is older than her? Has your minor daughter been having sex with a man who is not a minor?

• Approximately three in 10 female and male adolescents aged 15-19 years reported having had two or more sexual partners.

Ask your kids to figure out how many sexual partners a person might have at the age of 23 if they had 2 partners between the age of 15 and 19. How many might they have had at the age of 27 if that trend continued? What do they think about the possibility of having that many different sexual partners?

Teen Sex: The Parent Factor

An article called "Teen Sex: The Parent Factor" by Christine Kim has some interesting statistics to discuss with your teens. The article has lots of references, so be sure to take a look at it!

• "About 7% of high school students report having had sex before the age of 13." Ask your teen how old they were when they first had sex.
• "By 9th grade, 1/3 of high school students have engaged in sexual activity"
• "By 12th grade, 2/3" of high school students have engaged in sexual activity. Note to your teen that even at the end of high school, NOT everyone has had sex!
• 60% of these teens who have had sex regret their first experience and wish they had waited longer. Ask your teens if they regret their sexual experiences. Do they wish they had waited longer? When would they have considered the ideal time to first have sex? How can they make plans to now abstain from sex until they are married?
• "Those who begin sexual activity at age 13 are twice as likely" get a sexually transmitted disease compared to those who remain sexually abstinent during their teen years. Has your teen been checked for sexually transmitted diseases? Do they know that some STDs may not have symptoms?
• "Nearly 40% of girls who begin sexual activity at ages 13 or 14 will give birth outside marriage, compared to 9% of those who remain abstinent until their early twenties."
• "Among women in their thirties, those who were sexually active during early adolescence are half as likely to be in stable marriages as those who waited until their early twenties to have sex." Is marriage important to your teens? If so, talk to them about waiting to have sex until they are married so that their marriage will have a better chance at success.
• 90% of parents believe they have had a "helpful conversation about delaying sex and avoiding pregnancy" with their teens. But only 71% of teens report having this conversation. Find ways to have small conversations about sex and values often instead of one big talk. Watch for opportunities based on the news, TV shows, music, and other events like prom.
• "In a study of 700 teens in Philadelphia, 58% of teens reported being sexually active, while only 1/3 of their mothers believed they were." Have you directly asked your teens if they are sexually active? What activities do you include in this... for example, many young teens mistakenly believe that oral sex is not sexual activity. So be specific in your questions and conversations!
• "Parental factors that appear to offer strong protection against the onset of early sexual activity include an intact family structure; parents' disapproval of adolescent sex; teens' sense of belonging to and satisfaction with their families; parental monitoring; and, to a lesser extent, parent-child communication about teen sex and its consequences." If your family is not intact (you are a single parent), then you'll have to take extra steps to influence your teens. Have you specifically told your kids that you do not approve of sex outside of marriage? Do you monitor your kids (where they are, what they are doing there, who they are with)? How can you improve your kids' satisfaction with the family?

The article gives a few tips on what parents can do: First, avoid sending ambiguous and mixed messages about teen sex. For example, if you don't approve of teen sex then do not say things such as "Don't have sex, but if you do you should use birth control". This is an ambiguous message. Be specific and direct in your statements, and express your values. Focus your sex talks on morals and values - simply discussing physiology and contraceptives is not enough. Strengthen your relationship with your kids by eating meals together more often, and being present when they listen to music or watch TV so that you can discuss it with them. Know where your kids are when out of school, and have rules about their behavior along with appropriate consequences.

The connection between marriage and children

A recent BreakPoint commentary titled "An Unhappy Trend" summarized some recent statistics from the CDC:

• 40% of American babies born in 2007 were born to unmarried mothers.
• Compare this 40% to the statistic for 2002, when 34% of American babies were born to unmarried mothers.
• In 2007, only 23% of out-of-wedlock births were to unmarried teenagers.
• In 2007, 77% of out-of-wedlock births were to women in their 20s and 30s.
• In 2007, 60% of all births to unmarried women were to women in their 20s.
• In 2007, 17% of all births to unmarried women were to women in their 30s.

The commentary looks at how marriage and childbearing have been separated from each other.

Marriage is no longer seen as an institution whose ends have a communal, as well as personal, purpose. Instead, it is an expression of private affection whose ends are almost entirely about personal fulfillment. Thus, getting married is increasingly something you do after the rest of your life is arranged to your satisfaction. You go to school, find a job, get established in your career, and then you think about getting married. As a result, the average age when people first get married has risen by five years since 1970. But while our ideas about marriage have changed, our natures haven’t. One thing that Christians and dyed-in-the-wool Darwinists can agree on is that we are driven to reproduce ourselves. With a few exceptions, no matter how successful we might be, many feel that if we leave no descendants behind, all the striving is beside the point. What’s more, our biology doesn’t care about our sense of personal fulfillment. A woman’s most fertile period is her late teens to early 30s—precisely the time when young people are going to school and getting established in their careers. Thus, the longer we put off marriage, the more difficult it will be to fulfill one of our most fundamental instincts—have a child. Throw in the complications of meeting “Mr. Right,” getting to know him, and deciding that he’s the person you want to marry, and the “ticking clock” begins to sound like Big Ben.
So it seems that more and more women have decided to have children while they still can, regardless of their marital status.

Talk to your single-and-pregnant daughter about these statistics and this commentary. What does she think the purpose of marriage is? How does marriage fit into her plans for the future? What were you raised to believe about the purpose and timing of marriage? How do you feel now that your daughter is pregnant outside of marriage? You may find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Should they get married?", "The importance of a father", and "Single moms and church" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" (which can be helpful even if your single-and-pregnant daughter is not a teenager).

Survey delves into high birth rate for young Latinas

A recent article on CNN was titled "Survey delves into high birth rate for young Latinas" and says that "Latinas now have the highest teen birth rate among all ethnic and racial groups in the United States." The article listed several statistics:

• 53% of Latinas get pregnant in their teens, about twice the national average.
• 84% of Latino teens and 91% of Latino parents believe that graduating from college or having a career is the most important goal for a teen's future.
• "In 2007, the birth rate among non-Hispanic whites ages 15 to 19 was 27.2 per 1,000, and 64.3 per 1,000 for non-Hispanic black teens in the same age range. The teen birth rate among Hispanic teens ages 15 to 19 was 81.7 per 1,000."
• "Of the 759 Latino teens surveyed, 49 percent said their parents most influenced their decisions about sex, compared with 14 percent who cited friends. Three percent cited religious leaders, 2 percent teachers and 2 percent the media."
• "74 percent of Latino teens believe that parents send one message about sex to their sons and a different message altogether to their daughters, possibly related to the Latino value of machismo."
• "72 percent of sexually experienced teens say they wish they had waited."
• "34 percent of Latino teens believe that being a teen parent would prevent them from reaching their goals, but 47 percent say being a teen parent would simply delay them from reaching their goals."
• "76 percent said it is important to be married before starting a family."
• 69% of Latino teen moms drop out of high school.

Talk to your pregnant daughter about these statistics. Does she believe that graduation from college is an important goal for her life? Who does she think most influences her decisions about sex: you (her parents), friends, religious leaders, teachers, or the media? Does she feel that you send her one message about sex but a different message to her brothers? Does she wish she had waited to have sex? Does she think that being a mother will prevent her from reaching her goals, or simply delay her goals?

You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Who is the pregnant single mother?" and "Completing school" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Study: 'Friends With Benefits' Sex Common in College

A recent news article about casual sex in college summarizes a research study that was published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior. The research study was conducted by Wayne State University and Michigan State University.

They found that "60% of college students have been in a "friends with benefits" relationship, but that the possibility for romantic feelings — and a lack of communication — can complicate such an arrangement."

Why would college students do this? "The main advantage of such a relationship was "no commitment" (reported by 59.7 percent of participants), which was followed closely by "have sex" (55.6 percent)."

What about consequences? "The biggest reported disadvantage of this recreational sex was the possibility that feelings would develop (65.3 percent). Other worries included "harm friendship" (28.2 percent) and "cause negative emotions" (27.4 percent). Concern over pregnancy and STDs, listed as "negative consequences of sex," came in at only 9.7 percent."

Talk to your pregnant college student. Has she had casual sex with friends? Is this how she became pregnant? Now that she's pregnant, what does she wish she had done differently? How can she abstain from sex in the future until she is married? Talk to your daughter about restoring her sexual integrity. Sexual integrity is more than abstaining from sex until marriage, it is developing healthy attitudes and actions in all areas of human sexuality. We've posted about sexual integrity before. You may also find it helpful to read the chapter titled "Restoring Sexual Integrity" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Michelle's story

Michelle Hall, a blogger for Examiner.com, told briefly of her two pregnancies when she was a teen:

Absolutely becoming a teen mother was the most difficult, stressful thing I have ever been through. I nearly died and my daughter as well. Here’s a little glimpse into my teen pregnancy: due to my age my pregnancy was complicated, I had a petite frame and upon finding a problem was put on bed rest and serious restriction. Out of fear, they chose to deliver her via cesarean section a month early. She was stuck between my ribs and my pelvic bone and they struggled to get her out, once they did her breathing was not strong and they wisked her away, I did not even get to hold her. As I went into recovery, the medications wore off and the hospital somehow ran out (stormy day, supplies didn’t come in) and I began bleeding to death, and screaming from feeling the pain of the c-section and delivery just hours prior. As they resolved that issue the staff wheeled my little tiny baby girl in (in an incubator) and informed me she would be flown by helicopter to children’s hospital to be better cared for, but I would have to remain in the hospital for the next three days. Not exactly an after-school special on teen pregnancy is it?

She talks about how it is important for parents to start talking to their kids about sex early in life and to keep talking about as they grow, going into more detail as they are ready for it. To be ready for these multiple talks, you need to have accurate information yourself, you have to be available to talk to, and you have to be aware of what is going on in their entire life.

Michelle also wrote a blog entry about how teen pregnancy is not an issue only for girls...there's a boy involved, too! In that entry, she says "If your family believes in abstinence, make sure your son is on the same page and talk to him seriously about the repercussions of even a onetime choice to have sex. Talk to them about STD’s, HIV and AIDS, they need to truly understand that one time can change their life-long plans. ... Make sure your son knows that he can come to you for anything, any question, and any time. Don’t be the judge and the jury, be the one they trust. You don’t have to agree, but you do need to protect and love them unconditionally."

Age differences in dating

Download yourself a copy of the online booklet called "Relationship Redux: Tips and Scripts for Talking to your Kids about Relationships" (by Bill Albert and Jessica Sheets).

This booklet says:

FAST FACT: 13% of same-age relationships among those aged 12-14 include sexual intercourse. If the partner is just two older, that number doubles: 26% of the relationships include sex. If the partner is three or more years older, 33% of the relationships include sex.

TIP: Group activities among young people are fine, often fun, and can be a terrific way to develop relationships that are not necessarily of the intense, bf/gf variety. Steady, frequent, one-on-one dating much before age 16 is another story altogether. In particular, be very cautious about letting your teenage son/daughter develop an intense relationship with
someone who is three or more years older. For example, research makes clear that romantic relationships between very young teens significantly increase the risk of too-early and unwanted sex. Dating in the presence of large age differences is similarly a high-risk proposition.

On all of these matters—group dating, early dating, or dating someone older—don’t wait until your young teen proposes a plan that differs from your preferences in this area otherwise he/she will think you just don’t like the particular person or invitation.

Begin laying the groundwork and ground rules long before dating is even an option.

Sexting

Download yourself a copy of the online booklet called "Relationship Redux: Tips and Scripts for Talking to your Kids about Relationships" (by Bill Albert and Jessica Sheets).

This booklet says:

FAST FACT: One in five teens say they have sent electronically or posted online nude or semi-nude photos or video of themselves.

This behavior is being called "sexting", a play on the word "texting". We've blogged about this topic before (click here for previous article).

Ask your kids if they have sent or posted nude/semi-nude photos/video of themselves. Have they sent explicit messages?

The research indicates that teens who are sending/posting explicit content are trying to impress a boyfriend/girlfriend. Was that your kid's motiviation, too?

Talk about these questions:

Is that really how you want to develop a relationship with someone?

If someone you’re interested in asks you to send a nude picture of yourself what does that say about that person?

Is that someone who is really interested in a meaningful relationship? Remember, you are
in charge of your life—don’t let anyone pressure you to do things that you don’t want to do and that you might regret.

It is also true that many teens are sharing these images and messages with their friends—do
you really want your most private thoughts and images passed around?

Do you really want nude pictures of yourself floating around the internet when you are
applying for college or for a job?

8 Traits of Teens Who Abstain From Sex

The blog post in the title is on US News and discusses how abstainance provides better outcomes for teens though the same is true of any age group. At the bottom of the post, Dr. Healy lists 8 character traits that would really be of benefit to your pregnant daughter:

1. Future orientation, with a focus on long-term goals. Whether your daugher plans to marry the baby's father, parent alone, or choose a family to raise her child in adoption, help her figure out where she wants her life to be in one year, five years and ten years. What goals can she aim for that would motivate her to postpone current pleasure and to persevere? You might find it helpful to read the chapters "Where will we be in a year?" and "Our hope for the next five years" from our book "How to Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."
2. Willingness to postpone current pleasures for larger future rewards. As a parent yourself, you know how often your daughter will need to practice this trait when she is mothering a child and must put the needs of the child first. If your daughter is choosing adoption, she is also practicing this trait.
3. Perseverance, as in the ability to stick to a task or commitment. Your pregnant daughter will need perseverance no matter what course she chooses. If she marries the baby's father, she'll need perseverance as she takes on the new roles of wife and mother. If she parents alone, she'll need perseverance to care not only for every need of the child but also to improve her own situation for a positive future. If she is choosing adoption, she'll need perseverance to stick to that committment even when it is emotionally painful.
4. A belief that current behavior can positively affect the future. Your pregnant daughter needs to believe that her current behaviors of healthy eating, appropriate exercise, finishing school, not smoking or doing drugs, etc. can have a clear affect on her future and the future of her child. If she doesn't see the connection between behavior and the outcomes of the future, she is not likely to make positive choices.
5. Impulse control, including ability to control emotions and desires. This is a vital behavior for all men and women who are parenting children. This is a vital behavior in any relationship such as marriage. How can you help your daughter practice thinking and self control before taking action?
6. Resistance to peer influence. I would add the adjective "negative" here...some peer influence can be positive and help your daughter make good choices, but she needs to learn how to resist negative influence that leads her down the wrong path.
7. Respect for parental and social values. I would modify this one too. Some social values these days just aren't healthy. Society seems to value only those who are very slim, beautiful, and sexy. These kinds of values do not help her have a positive sense of self-worth and personal dignity. Society's values often conflict with the family and religious values that have will a more positive effect on her life.
8. Sense of self-worth and personal dignity. The best source of an accurate sense of self-worth and dignity (neither too poor nor too over-inflated) comes from understanding how God views us as His creations.

If your children have demonstrated some of these characteristics in the past, point out these times to your kids and tell them you are proud of them. Praise your children when they demonstrate these characteristics now, and talk to them about what they could have done differently when they fail.

Sex and Technology

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy recently released the following press report about a survey they conducted.

One in five teen girls (22%)—and 11% of teen girls ages 13-16 years old—say they have electronically sent, or posted online, nude or semi-nude images of themselves.

These racy images are also getting passed around: One-third (33%) of teen boys and one-quarter (25%) of teen girls say they have had nude/semi-nude images—originally meant to be private—shared with them.

15% of teens who have sent sexually suggestive content such as text messages, email, photographs or video say they have done so with someone they only know online.

What teens and young adults are doing electronically seems to have an effect on what they do in real life: Nearly one-quarter of teens (22%) admit that technology makes them personally more forward and aggressive.

More than one-third of teens (38%) say exchanging sexy content makes dating or hooking up with others more likely and nearly one-third of teens (29%) believe those exchanging sexy content are “expected” to date or hook up.

Sending sexually suggestive messages is even more prevalent than sending nude/semi-nude images. Nearly half of young people (49% total, 39% of teens, 59% of young adults) have sent sexually suggestive text messages or email messages to someone.

Even more have received sexually suggestive messages: 48% of teens and 64% of young adults (56% total). Fully one-third of young teen girls (ages 13-16) have received sexually suggestive messages.

Teen girls who have sent or posted sexually suggestive content provide a number of reasons why: Two-thirds (66%) say they did so to be “fun or flirtatious,” half (52%) did so as a “sexy present” for their boyfriend, and 40% as a “joke.”

Even though nearly three-quarters of young people (73% total, 75% of teens, 71% of young adults) say that sending sexually suggestive content “can have serious negative consequences,” nearly one-quarter (22% total, 19% of teens and 26% of young adults) say sending sexually suggestive content is “no big deal.”

What can you do about this? Talk to your children about these survey results!

Talk to your kids about what they are doing in cyberspace. Just as you need to talk openly and honestly with your kids about real life sex and relationships, you also want to discuss online and cell phone activity. Make sure your kids fully understand that messages or pictures they send over the Internet or their cell phones are not truly private or anonymous. Also make sure they know that others might forward their pictures or messages to people they do not know or want to see them, and that school administrators and employers often look at online profiles to make judgments about potential students/employees. It’s essential that your kids grasp the potential short-term and long-term consequences of their actions.

Know who your kids are communicating with. Of course it’s a given that you want to know who your children are spending time with when they leave the house. Also do your best to learn who your kids are spending time with online and on the phone. Supervising and monitoring your kids’ whereabouts in real life and in cyberspace doesn’t make you a nag; it’s just part of your job as a parent. Many young people consider someone a “friend” even if they’ve only met online. What about your kids?

Consider limitations on electronic communication. The days of having to talk on the phone in the kitchen in front of the whole family are long gone, but you can still limit the time your kids spend online and on the phone. Consider, for example, telling your teen to leave the phone on the kitchen counter when they’re at home and to take the laptop out of their bedroom before they go to bed, so they won’t be tempted to log on or talk to friends at 2a.m.

Be aware of what your teens are posting publicly. Check out your teen’s MySpace, Facebook and other public online profiles from time to time. This isn’t snooping— this is information your kids are making public. If everyone else can look at it, why can’t you? Talk with them specifically about their own notions of what is public and what is private. Your views may differ but you won’t know until you ask, listen, and discuss.

Set expectations. Make sure you are clear with your teen about what you consider appropriate “electronic” behavior. Just as certain clothing is probably off-limits or certain language unacceptable in your house, make sure you let your kids know what is and is not allowed online either. And give reminders of those expectations from time to time. It doesn’t mean you don’t trust your kids, it just reinforces that you care about them enough to be paying attention.

Dating Dos and Don'ts

The National Fatherhood Initiative offers some tips to parents in the article linked in the title of this post.

1. First, Dads: Set a Good Example. "Treat the mother of your children with respect. Your sons will learn how to treat women well and your daughters will have good standards for the men that come into their life. It may seem trite, but it really is true - kids may learn more from your behavior than they learn from the words you say."

2. Practice listening. "Give your kids a chance to sound off about relationships and the opposite sex. Spend one on one time with your kids and earn their trust."

3. Speak the lingo. Take the time to learn about the sublanguage used in text messages and instant messages. Monitor the time that your kids spend online. Consider having all computers in a public room of the house, not in their bedroom.

4. Set Boundaries. "This point is crucial. Time, locations, activities, and required numbers (group dates vs. one on one dates) should all be included. Discuss how you came to these boundaries with your kids and let them join in the discussion as appropriate. Remember to adjust boundaries according to your kids' age and maturity levels."

5. Be In The Know. "Meet your kids' friends and their dates. Ask questions. No, your teen won't like it, but being a parent sometimes means you can't be a friend."

6. Start Early. Don't wait for the perfect moment to have a talk...it will never happen.

October is "Let's Talk" Month

A recent article titled "Parents encouraged to talk to teens about preventing teen pregnancy" reminds readers that according to the "National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, teens report that their parents influence their decisions about sex more than their friends, the media, or their siblings."

You, the parent, can make a difference!

The article says that

• "research shows that families that engage in regular, honest conversations about healthy relationships and sexual decision-making are an important part of preventing teen pregnancy."
• "a majority of teens agree that it would be easier for them to postpone sexual activity and avoid teen pregnancy if they were able to have more open, honest conversations about these topics with their parents."
• “Kids who understand their parents’ beliefs and expectations are more likely to go along with those beliefs,” said Henderson-Shuppy.
• Parents can initiate conversations with simple questions such as, “What is the right age to begin dating?” or “How do you know if you’re in love?”"

So talk to your teens. And listen to your teens! Questions to get the conversation rolling:
-What makes a relationship healthy?
-What makes a relationship unhealthy?
-When is someone ready to have sex?
-Explain your beliefs and expectations about sex. Explain WHY you believe that way, and WHY you hold those expectations. Then ask what your teens think.
-What is love?
-What is infatuation?
-How can you tell the difference between love and infatuation?

Talking about sex

Parents sometimes ask "I was a bit "wild" in the area of sex when I was a teen. So now I feel like a hypocrite talking to my teen about sex. What should I do?"

Watch this short video answer by Roland Warren, President of the National Fatherhood Initiative.

I love what he says:

Hypocrisy is when you tell your kid not to do something that you’re still doing. So if you’re smoking marijuana, and you tell your kid, “don’t smoke marijuana,” you’re a hypocrite.

Growth is where you tell your kid not to do something that you once did that you learned from and that you found was inappropriate.

So when you’re having your discussion with your kids about sex, for example, this is one where, frankly, you might have growth in this area. What you want to make sure that you do with them is help them avoid the experiences that you had that were inappropriate. That’s what we do all the time.

Teen sex and depression

A recent article on LifeSiteNews titled "Sexually Active Teenage Girls "Twice As Likely" To Suffer From Depression" is as follows:

Research which appeared recently in the Journal of Health Economics has found that young girls who are sexually active often experience feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, regret and shame, and are far more likely to suffer from depression than those who remain chaste.

The study, by Joseph J. Sabia and Daniel I. Rees, of 14,000 adolescents aged between 14 and 17, used data from the U.S. government funded National Longitudinal Survey of Adolescent Health.

The study found that sexually active teen girls have more than double the rate of depression of those who are not sexually active - 19 percent compared to 9.2 percent.

The conclusion the study reached was that "sexually active female adolescents are at increased risk of exhibiting the symptoms of depression relative to their counterparts who are not sexually active."

Dr. Trevor Stammers, a lecturer on sexual ethics and chairman of the Christian Medical Fellowship in the UK, said the new study confirmed that most girls "retrospectively showed regret about early intercourse."

"It also shows as closely as we have been able to show so far that there is a genuine link between increased risk of depression and adolescent females engaging in sex," Dr. Stammers said in a British Daily Mail report. "My experience is that, for girls, depression, regret and shame are very common."

Link to full text of this study, titled, "The effect of adolescent virginity status on psychological well-being".

Talk with all your kids about this research. If your teens have not become sexually active, discuss how this research can help them say no to sex until they are married. With your kids, read about sexual integrity and how this means more than simply waiting until marriage, but also includes a lifetime of sex the way that God intended it to be.

If your teen daughters have had sex, do they regret it? Have they had feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, regret and shame, or depression? If so, help them find counseling to heal the wounds caused by their sexual activity. With your kids, read about sexual integrity and how they can choose to not have sex again until they are married. Sex outside marriage is like any other sin: it can be forgiven and put in the past. 1 John 1:9 promises that if we confess our sins, that He will forgive us and cleanse us of all unrighteousness. This means He promises to cleanse us of sexual sin too. Your daughters do not need to label themselves as shameful if they confess and ask forgiveness from God.

Time: The Truth About Teen Girls

Time magazine recently had an article titled "The Truth About Teen Girls".

One of the paragraphs in this article says,

We idealize youth and sexiness but recoil if our young want to be sexy. What has complicated things recently is that girls are literally getting older younger. Their bodies are hitting physical maturity sooner, often before they are ready to deal with the issues of sexuality that go along with it. According to Jane Brown, a journalism professor at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, "Twelve-to-14-year-old girls who start puberty earlier are more interested in sexual content in the media." Brown's studies found that adolescents whose media diet was rich in sexual content were more than twice as likely as others to have had sex by the time they were 16.

What is the sexual content of the media your teen (both boys and girls) consumes? The Time magazine article mentions shows like The O.C., with "multiple sexual partners, the cocaine use, and then at the end, they drink, they drive, they set fires, but all is well! There are never any consequences." Consider watching these shows with your teen and talk about the content. How do your family values relate to the content? How do your religious values relate to the content?

Some studies seem to show that "teens are less susceptible to media firestorms that galvanize the grownups, like those set off by a famous pregnant person or a seminaked tween star. But when most outlets say the same thing, the effect can be overwhelming. "We call this the drip-drip vs. the drench effect," says Brown." So, if any one particular episode isn't "so bad", there can still be a cumulative effect.

The article says that girls aren't necessarily trying to look sexy, just older, more grown up. "The real problems arise when the media unanimously suggest that hotness is the only identity worth trying on. And when they venerate physical desirability in young women without explaining how to use it responsibly. And when they define desirability in such a narrow fashion that many girls feel they have to amp up their sexual signals to measure up. One of the clear findings last year of the APA task force was that an early emphasis on sexuality stunts girls' development in other areas." Talk to your teens about identity. What are the components of their identity? Do some components have more value to them than other components do? In your family and your religious expression, what is the responsible use of physical desirability? What are the irresponsible uses of physical desirability?

The article continues:
Should girls fear that they don't have the requisite hotness, there's a surefire way to overcome that: find a boy to sleep with. "They're subconsciously looking for love," says Amanda Ireland, another Gloucester teen. "They think, If I have a baby, I'll be someone. It gives them an identity." What do your teens think about these statements? Are they looking for love? Do they feel that sex can buy them the love they want? What social credit would they receive from their peers if they were to become sexually active, or if they were to have a baby?

Talking to your kids about sex

There have been quite a few books released recently about the sexualization of young girls. For example, see this interview/advertisement for "So Sexy So Soon" which gives teasers about topics such as how the "sexualization of childhood affects boys, as well as girls, negatively." The authors basically answer each interview question with "read our book...we couldn't possibly summarize our answers." The authors say parents should make age-appropriate rules for clothing and makeup, and start talking to their kids about sex as soon as possible. Instead of having one awkward talk, have hundreds of small talks that are incorporated into everyday life.

If you think that books for your kids would help open the door to conversation, here are some recommendations.

"God's Design for Sex: The Story of Me" is for ages 0-3 according to Focus on the Family, but read the reviews at Amazon where several parents say the content is probably better for ages 5-9.

The next book in that series is "God's Design for Sex: Before I Was Born", and Focus on the Family recommends this for ages 4-7. Again, read the parent reviews and see if this book is better for a slightly older child (8-10 perhaps).

The next book in that series is "What's the Big Deal? Why God Cares About Sex" and is for tweens, ages 8-12.

The final book in this series is "Facing the Facts- The Truth About Sex and You" and is for ages 11-14.

Either read those books with your kids and talk along the way, or read them before giving them to your kids and make sure to ask them questions about what they read.

Books for you, the parent, are also available:

Raising Your Kids to be Sexually Pure

A Chicken's Guide to Talking Turkey with Your Kids About Sex

How To Talk to Your Kids About Sexuality

Teaching True Love to a Sex-at-13 Generation

Younger age at first intercourse may signal past abuse

Why do teens get pregnant? Some of them are the victims of sexual abuse. Some teens are pregnant directly by their abuser, and some are pregnant because of self-defeating behaviors that are a result of coping with abuse.

Sexually abused girls may initiate intercourse earlier than their peers and engage in a wide variety of high-risk behaviors, including substance abuse. The average age of first intercourse for abused girls is 13.8, in contrast to the national average of 16.2. If your daughter is pregnant or has been sexually active at an age lower than the national average, ask her if she has experienced sexual abuse.

How does child abuse affect teenage pregnancy and promiscuity? These statistics are from the Darkness to Light organization:

• Children who have been victims of sexual abuse exhibit long-term and more frequent behavioral problems, particularly inappropriate sexual behaviors.
  
• Women who report childhood rape are 3 times more likely to become pregnant before age 18.
  
• An estimated 60% of teen first pregnancies are preceded by experiences of molestation, rape, or attempted rape. The average age of their offenders is 27 years.
  
• Victims of child sexual abuse are more likely to be sexually promiscuous.
  
• More than 75% of teenage prostitutes have been sexually abused.
  

Talk to all your daughters about these statistics, and ask them to tell you about any abuse they have recieved. If your daughter has been abused, get her medical assistance, counseling, and talk to authorities about reporting the abuse.

A Second (or Third, or...) Teen Pregnancy

The other day we posted about the topic "How much should parents help their pregnant single daughter?"We've received this question is various forms. Another way this has been phrased is "How does a mom support her pregnant daughter?" Keywords we've seen on our statistics include phrases like "helping your pregnant daughter." That post focused on the minimum basics of safe housing, nutrition, and medical care. Today let's talk about some other help beyond the minimum basics.

Beyond the minimum basics of housing, nutrition, and medical care, parents of a pregnant teen or college student should consider how they might help with these goals:

1. Helping your daughter remain in school until graduation.
2. Preventing subsequent adolescent pregnancies. (Today's topic)
3. Improving parenting skills.
4. Locating and using community resources.
5. Stabilizing family support systems.
6. Strengthening employability skills and efforts to become economically self-sufficient.

Again, your motive of considering these kinds of help is not to reward your daughter's sexual activity and pregnancy outside of marriage, but to help get her on the road to independence and to help give your grandchild a better start in life. Today's topic is:

2. Preventing subsequence adolescent pregnancies. According to a report evaluating data from 2002, 20-25% of teen mothers give birth to a second child before they turn 20 years old. This report says,

"An additional birth to a teen mother shortly after her first birth appears to be associated with increased difficulties for the mother, for the outcome of the second pregnancy, and for her children. For the mother, an additional birth is associated with reduced ability to complete her education or to attain economic self-sufficiency. There may also be increased risk of preterm delivery, low birthweight, and infant mortality—although the evidence in these areas is mixed. If a teen mother gives birth again as a teenager or shortly thereafter, her children are more likely to have reduced educational achievement and possibly behavioral problems— problems that may be explained, in part, by the inadequate education of the mothers themselves or by the poverty and lifestyle of the family as a result of school failure and the inability to secure employment."

If your teen daughter should become pregnant another time before she turns 20, it may seem like abortion is a solution. However, abortion carries physical and emotional risks too. If your daughter aborts her second child and then feels deep regret and seeks to get pregnant again with an "atonement child" her situation was not improved by the abortion. A healthier solution is for your daughter to pursue sexual integrity. Sexual integrity is more than abstaining from sex until marriage, it is developing healthy attitudes and actions in all areas of human sexuality. In our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy", read the chapter titled "Restoring Sexual Integrity". Sexual integrity, including abstinence until marriage, is the only 100% effective way for your daughter to avoid a repeat pregnancy and to avoid infection with a sexually transmitted disease. In addition, sexual integrity protects her emotions, unlike condoms and pills.

Dr. Doug Rosenau is a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist in Atlanta. He is the author of A Celebration of Sex (Thomas Nelson). Dr. Rosenau has written overviews of "Eight Skills for Sexual Integrity", which are very worthwhile reading and discussing with all of your children. These articles are written for male readers, so discuss with your daughters how the same concept can be applied to them.

Sexual Integrity Skill One: Plug into God's thinking and power
Sexual Integrity Skill Two: Meet nonsexual needs nonsexually
Sexual Integrity Skill Three: Discipline sexual fantasies and surges
Sexual Integrity Skill Four: Embrace masculinity and enjoy moms, sisters and daughters
Sexual Integrity Skill Five: Cultivate covenant monogamy and passionate intimacy
Sexual Integrity Skill Six: Make positive pre- and post-temptation choices
Sexual Integrity Skill Seven: Run to God's ER when broken
Sexual Integrity Skill Eight: Create practical theologies for doubtful issues

Newsweek: "Teen Pregnancy, Hollywood Style"

Newsweek recently had an online article titled "Teen Pregnancy, Hollywood Style." Take a few minutes to read the article, then come back. We'll wait for you.

"It's the missing three C's: there's little commitment, no mention of contraception and rarely do we see negative consequences," says Jane Brown, a journalism professor at the University of North Carolina who runs the Teen Media Project. "What's missing in the media's sexual script is what happens before and after. Why are these kids getting pregnant and what happens afterward?"

Kids are getting pregnant because they are having sex. A better question might be 'why are these kids having sex?' Statistics say that slightly less than half of high school student are having sex, so why do we see so much teen sexual activity in the media? Talk to your kids about sexual activity and the "three C's" mentioned above.

• What does your family believe should be the connection between sex and commitment? What kind of commitment should be present before kissing? petting? oral sex? intercourse?
• What does your family believe about contraception methods and their use? Does a teen being on the pill or shot mean that she is encouraged to have sex?
• Research with your kids the physical and emotional consequences of sexual activity. The CDC says that 25% of female teens have at least one sexually transmitted disease. Some of our previous posts have discussed consequences: "Sexual Behavior In America's Children" and "Benefits of Delaying Sexual Debut".

The Newsweek article then tells the stories of several teens who gave birth to their children, highlighting the negative consequences of being a teen mother. One teen dropped out of high school because of the social pressure. Another teen's mother felt judged at church because her daughter was pregnant. While some media make teen parenting look glamorous (Jamie Lynn Spears has money for nannies and enough to buy anything her child desires), other media (like this Newsweek article) focuses only on the negative aspects, saying they are bringing "reality." However, the Newsweek article seems to be saying that giving birth should be avoided because being a parent is too hard (thus subtly promoting abortion), not that having sex should be delayed until marriage. The Newsweek article also promotes condoms and contraceptives, but ignores the emotional consequences of sex outside of marriage. There is no condom or pill that protects the heart. Newsweek conviently ignores the painful consequences of teen pregnancies that end in abortion instead of birth.

One of the reader comments on the Newsweek site told her story:

Posted By: carefullmom @ 07/28/2008 4:17:04 AM
Comment: When I was just a fourteen year old child I was surprised to find myself pregnant. I knew how it happened, but I think I was so naive that I didn't think that it would happen. I don't recall my folks ever speaking to me about the subject. When they finally figured out what was going on with me, they drove me to a clinic and forced a decision down my throat. I don't really know what decision I would have made if it had been left up to me, I think I probably would have just gone on in childlike ignorance not believing that any of it was really happening. After the tears cleared and I realized what had happened, and took responsibility for what I had done, I became so angry that I became near obsessive about having another baby. At 18, I did. I moved out of my parents home at midnight on my 18th birthday and called them a few months later to tell them that they would soon be grandparents. They indicated that the 4 years of remorse that they had watched me endure had led them to believe that only having a child was going to help me begin to heal. I thank God for their support and believe that my daughter healed wounds in my family that might never have otherwise healed. With my folks support and personal drive resulting from wanting the very best for my daughter, I finished college, landed a good job, eventually married a great man who adopted my daughter, finished graduate school, and now have two more children. The first five years when I was going to college and being a mom were really challenging. Other students were going to parties and I was washing diapers and working a night shift to make enough money to pay my rent and buy food. My oldest daughter, now 20 and in college, and my middle daughter, now 14, know that they can come to me with anything and I will not judge them, but will help them no matter how difficult the situation. They tell me that I have given them a tremendous role model to strive towards in their own lives. We have spoken openly and honestly about birth control, sex, and the hardships of raising babies alone and in poverty for so many years now that I cannot remember when we started. I think teen mothers and mothers-to-be or perhaps not-to-be need more non-judgemental support to help them make a decision about whether they have what it takes to raise a child. And for those young women who do choose to keep their baby, government programs should focus less on hand outs that lead to dependence and more on high school completion programs and college credit programs such as childcare money for woman who take college courses to enable them to get good paying jobs. Judgemental and negative comments certainly won't help a young pregnant woman make healthy decisions. I thought Juno was a thoughtful representation of how a family dealt with a crisis, and how a young girl made a very brave, realistic, and generous decision for the well-being of her baby.

Read this real story to your kids, and talk to them about it. Do your kids have the typical teen attitude that THEY won't get infected with an STD, or that THEY won't get pregnant? Talk to your kids about this woman's emotional pain and remorse after abortion. This woman responded in a common manner and intentionally got pregnant to "replace" the aborted baby. This family gave incredible support to their pregnant daughter the second time, helping her get a college education. This woman was able to get married (unlike 40% of single moms). She also makes some suggestions of what social services could do differently so that pregnant women can become more independent instead of reliant on help.

Reality is that being a mother at any age has high points and low points. Mothers at any age have to change their lives and learn to balance new responsibilities and challenges. Talk to your kids about the positive experiences you had as a new mother, and the negative experiences you had. What was your situation when you became pregnant? How did this situation contribute to the positive and negative experiences?

Non-voluntary Sexual Intercourse

According to the Fertility, Family Planning, and Reproductive Health of U.S. Women: Data from the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth. (PHS) 2006-1977. 174 pp.

In 2002, 8% of sexually experienced women 18–44 years of age reported that their first sexual intercourse was not voluntary.

+ Younger age at first sexual intercourse was associated with higher reporting of nonvoluntary first intercourse. 20% of women who first had intercourse before 15 years of age reported their first intercourse as not voluntary compared with 4% of women who first had intercourse at 20 years or over. This relationship between earlier first intercourse and higher reporting of nonvoluntary first intercourse is seen across Hispanic origin and race groups.

Nearly 23% of women aged 18–44 in 2002 had been forced to have intercourse at some time in their lives, about the same as seen in 1995.
+ About 5% of women were first forced to have intercourse at ages younger than 15 years; another 6% were first forced at ages 15–17 years and 4% at ages 18–19 years.
+ Women who were not living with both parents at age 14 were more likely to have experienced forced sexual intercourse at some time (31%) than women who lived with both parents (20%).

Talk to your daughter about these statistics. How old was she when she first had intercourse? Did she participate willingly? If not, make sure she gets counseling to heal this emotional wound, and medical care to check for STDs and any physical damage. If your pregnant daughter currently plans to be a single mother, brainstorm with her about ways that she can increase the protection of her child.


+ Of the women who reported that their FIRST sexual intercourse was not voluntary, 19% reported that they had been ‘‘pressured into it by his words or actions, but without threats of harm,’’ and this was the most common type of force.
+ The other types of force asked about, for example: 9% had been given alcohol or drugs, 8% reported ‘‘yes’’ to the item ‘‘Did what he said because he was bigger or grownup, and you were young,’’ 5% had been ‘‘physically held down,’’ and 3% had been ‘‘physically hurt or injured.’’

Talk with all your children about how they could try to get out of situations where they are being pressured to have sex by their partner's words or actions. What should they say? What should they do? Who should they later talk to about what happened?

Episode 4 - The Secret Life of the American Teenager

Thanks for stopping by our blog! You can read about previous episodes of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" by clicking the label "Media" here or at the end of this post. You can watch the two most-recent episodes online here (click the tab called "Full Episode"). Here are a few points from the show, with some items to discuss with your teens.

In Episode 4, Amy's dad expects Amy to love the news video of Grace being attacked in a bad part of town at midnight "because we're family. You gotta dislike who I dislike. That's called loyalty. I dislike the Bowmans, so this is funny to me and to our family." What do your teens think about this? What does loyalty mean to them? How do they think loyalty should be expressed in a family? How do they think loyalty should be expressed between friends? Share your thoughts about these questions, too.

Dad continues, "These two high-faluting church-goers have a problem child on their hands." This kind of statement expresses rejection and may contribute to your teen not being honest with you, in fear that they too will be rejected. How could you reword this type of statement so that you reject wrong behavior without rejecting the person? What do your teens think a 'problem child' means? How would you define it?

Lots of parent-child confrontation in this episode. Amy's dad confronts her about whether she knows who the shirtless guy on the video is. Amy's dad confronts Ashley about her more modest outfit, accusing her of being on drugs and of lying. Grace's parents confront her about the video of her on the news in a bad part of town, and then sneaking around to date Jack. Ricky's foster mother confronts him about being shirtless and about lying about being home. Most of the confrontations we're shown are pretty calm, without shouting. What are confrontations like at your house? What could you change to make confrontations less painful? What do you wish your kids could change to make confrontation less painful?

Amy realizes that she'll have to tell her parents she's pregnant. She feels bad about her sister Ashley getting in trouble as a way of distracting her parents from her secret. Amy's friend tells her "Be responsible - talk to your parents, and get some help."

Grace temporarily gives up being on the cheer squad because that's the punishment she came up with for lying to her parents. What kinds of consequences do your kids think would be appropriate for Grace's sneaking around and lying?

Amy's mom says to Amy, "I'm not accusing you. You're perfect. Close to perfect. Both my girls are. Although I really don't know why Ashley wants me to think she's having sex. I don't think she's having sex. ... Thank you for being such a wonderful daughter." Both parents and kids sometimes have mental images of each other that are not entirely accurate. Very few of us are actually 'close to perfect.' On the flip side, both parents and kids who behave badly likely have good qualities to them somewhere. Both kids and parents can do a better job of being realistic about the good parts and bad parts of each other. Take care not to go to extremes of either putting someone on a perfect pedestal or of putting someone in the garbage dump. Talk to your kids - how would they describe you? How would they describe themselves? How do they think you would describe them? Do your kids think you never made any mistakes growing up? Have you been afraid to express your wishes about any topics because you made a mistake in that area when you were younger? Are you willing to share with your kids (at the appropriate level of detail for their age) about mistakes you made when you were growing up? There is some value in "do as I say, not as I do"...but how can this attitude be kept in balance?

Later in the show, Amy tells her dad that Ashley is not having sex but that Ashley is covering for someone. Amy tells her dad that she had sex and he responds angrily, "You did not have sex. I know you!" Amy replies, "Dad, you don't know me! I did have sex." Her dad is stunned, but the conversation is interrupted. When we learn something new about someone we love, the shock can make us suddenly feel like we don't know that person. The revelation that your child is sexually active or pregnant can easily trigger a grief cycle. Pay attention to your feelings and give yourself the room to work through your reactions. Seek counsel.

Jack is talking to Adrian and says, "Every relationship needs a good foundation. And if our relationship was Christ, I think even you and I could make it. I want a girlfriend, a real girlfriend. And in order for you to be my girlfriend, we need more than just being physically attracted to each other." Though Jack's motives in this conversation (to make Grace jealous) are pretty rotten, he makes some interesting points. Talk to your kids about what Jack said. What is a 'real' girlfriend/boyfriend? What things make a good foundation for a relationship? How important is physical attraction in the foundation of a relationship? How much of a role does physical attraction play in your kids current dating relationships? Ask your kids what happens to a relationship as they age and looks fail? What about 'missionary' dating (a believer dating a non-believer with the motive of trying to induce faith in the non-believer)? Does it seem like a good idea? In what ways might each of the people in such a relationship be affected by the other person, and how likely are those outcomes?

Later, when Jack is picking up Adrian to go to church, Adrian tries to seduce Jack. She asks, "Didn't you have a good time last time?" He says, "Yeah, I had a great time. But it wasn't worth all the guilt and trouble it caused." Adrian says, "Everyone's going to think we're doing something so we might as well be doing something, right?" Jack replies, "Wrong. I don't care what everyone else thinks. I care what I think. I think that sex before marriage is a sin." Adrian says, "Well, aren't we all sinners? ... We'll go to confession afterwards." Jack says, "We [protestants] don't have confession.... we have guilt, shame, regret." Jack says that they could make out, but couldn't do anything more than that, "anything more than that would be a sin." Adrian asks, "What, is it in the Bible?" Jack says it is, but has no idea where. So we hear that Jack says he is feeling regret for having sex. According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, "Most teens who have had sex wish they had waited. Almost 70% of teens regret having had sex as early as they did." Ask your kids if they have had sex. If so, do they feel guilt, shame or regret? Do they need counseling from a religious leader to help them process these feelings? Jack says that making out is ok. Where do your kids think they should "draw the line" in sexual activity at their age? What about when they are unmarried college students? What limits would you prefer they follow?

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy also has a discussion guide online for this episode (PDF file).

We blogged about each episode in season one: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.