Teaching manliness to sons

"Reading your male: an invitation to understand and influence your man's sexuality", by Mary Farrar, is a meaty book that has some interesting topics that would make for good conversations (maybe even debates) with your pregnant daughter.

On page 65, Farrar talks about Biblical manliness, "the natural God-given proclivity towards courage, healthy aggressiveness, and readiness to lead in personal relationships when it is proper to do so. Such manliness was commanded by God: be men (1 Kings 2:2; 1 Cor. 16:13); be leaders (Eph. 5:23, 1 Cor.11:3, 1 Tim 3:1,4,5); be warriors for good (1 Tim 1:18, 6:12); be strong and courageous (Josh. 1:6-9; 1 Tim. 1:7)."

Talk with your pregnant daughter about the above quote. Get out a Bible and read the passages that are quoted. Do you agree with the characteristics of manliness described above? Why/why not? What else would you add to the list, if anything?

Next (page 67), Farrar talks about Femininity by quoting Dr Steven Clark: "A woman is 'feminine' when she has an appropriate womanly personality, when her strength, assertiveness, and interests are expressed in a womanly way." Farrar summarizes, "woman's natural God-given proclivity towards nurture, sensitivity to people, and gentleness. It is womanly to be more a responder by nature, to tend towards being more verbally expressive, more driven towards intimacy and connection. .. It is also womanly to possess a healthy strength and assertiveness, and when these are expressed in the context of genuine femininity, they are a wonderful thing."

Talk with your pregnant daughter about the above quotes. Do you agree with the characteristics of femininity described above? Why/why not? What else would you add to the list, if anything?

Finally, Farrar talks about what can happen to a boy when the boy's "father is absent during the formative years of his life and he is surrounded, influenced, reared, trained, and educated by women who either intentionally or unintentionally shape him into their mold. In such an environment of female domination, a boy's natural masculine instincts (the drive to be physical and aggressive, to overcome fears, play rough, take risks, and step into confrontation) are either squelched or left to languish. More feminine traits like kindness, sensitivity, gentleness, concern with what others are thinking and feeling (all good traits in and of themselves) are elevated and become his primary template. As a result, a boy learns to value womanly traits over manly ones and to see and react to the world as a woman tends to see and react to it."

Discuss the above paragraphs with your pregnant daughter. What is her reaction to the idea that a woman can't act as a good template of manliness for her boy child? If your daughter will be single-parenting a boy child, who will act as his template for masculinity? Is there an older brother, uncle, grandfather or someone who will play a father role for her son? If there are no men available or suitable to be this role for your daughter's son, consider whether adoption into a two-parent family would be beneficial for him.

Farrar lists some possible consequence of a child not having a strong manly template to follow as he grows up (page 70):
1) He may show passiveness when it is appropriate to initiate and lead.
2) He may show a reluctance to confront or fight when a situation calls for it.
3) He may have reticence to take on the responsibilities of a wife and family.
4) He may have an over-concern with the approval of peers.
5) He may have a lack of drive to protect and provide.
6) He may show a reluctance to risk or take action, out of fear of failure.

Discuss this list with your pregnant daughter. How does her baby's father compare to this list? How does she feel about the possible consequences listed above... how much do they concern her? How does this list compare to the type of man she would like to marry someday?

As part of this discussion, you may find it helpful to read the chapter "The importance of a father" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Alicia's Story

In a report from the Family Research Council, titled "A Passion To Serve", Alicia tells her story:

Before I tell you my story, I want you to know that I take full responsibility for my actions. I’m not blaming anyone but me for the choices I made in my life. But that wasn’t how I felt that April night when I came home from work.

I came home that night feeling as if something was not right with my body. I continued questioning myself, “What could it be?” I sat down in the living room and just cried. I felt as if it really did not matter what was wrong because I did not have anyone to listen to me. Out of habit and without even thinking about it, I turned on the TV. And almost as soon as I did, a commercial for a home pregnancy test came on.

Hearing this ad raised a question in my mind. “Could this be what was wrong with me? No, I could not be pregnant.” I did not want to even think about it. So I bought a kit with two pregnancy tests and took the first test ... pregnant. Hoping I’d done something wrong, I took the second test ... pregnant.

Feeling terribly alone and extremely guilty, my mind filled with questions. “How could I be a mother? How could I provide a home for a baby?” I had to get out of my apartment. I left and went to talk to a friend. I know that my friend meant well. However, he was too busy working on his jeep to really have anything to say about my situation. He just kept saying, “Are you sure? Do you know who the father is?” Talking with him only made things worse.

I turned the TV back on. And that’s when I heard a young woman’s voice saying: “If you’re facing an unplanned pregnancy, you have options. You don’t have to be alone. Call 1-800-395-HELP. Our services are totally confidential and free. If you’re pregnant, call now. There is help.” I couldn’t believe my ears. It was as if God had arranged things just so I heard that ad at the very moment when I most needed some hope.

Grace. That’s what moved me to respond to that young woman’s voice.

The name of the woman at the Option Line contact center who took my call was Megan. But for me that night, Megan was an angel from heaven.

She understood what I was going through because she’d had a crisis pregnancy herself. She was kind and not in the least judgmental. And she gave me the information and encouragement I needed...especially about adoption since that’s the option Megan chose for her baby. But most of all...Megan gave me hope. So when she asked if I wanted her to connect me to a local crisis pregnancy center’s 24-hour hotline, I said yes...and a moment later I was talking with a trained volunteer and making an appointment to come in for a consultation the very next day.

I met with a volunteer named Peggy and I talked for a long time. I poured out my heart to her. I was so afraid. I was sure that neither my father nor my boyfriend would support me. I told Peggy I would probably lose my job because my company has a “no fraternization” policy, and my boyfriend and I work for the same company. I talked for what seemed like forever...and Peggy listened.

Finally, after I’d talked myself out, Peggy took my hands in hers, looked me in the eye and told me she was there to help me. You can’t imagine how I felt at the sound of those words. It was as if a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

Peggy assured me that I was not alone. She said she would be with me every step of the way. And then she prayed with me. After that, Peggy said that before she and I could address the changes I needed to make in my life, the first thing I needed to do was make sure I was pregnant. So I agreed to come back to the center’s medical clinic for an ultrasound.

Almost immediately after leaving the clinic, I called my mother at work. I just straightened my voice and said, “Mom, please don’t hate me...I’m pregnant.” As soon as the words came out, the tears started flowing again. All I could hear my mom say is that everything would be okay and that she was my mom and she was here to support me.

I am grateful to God for my mom. She did not abandon me. In fact, she came with me when I went in for my [second] sonogram. I am so thankful she did. I saw my baby’s heart beating on the screen, and my mother and I began to weep. Then the nurse showed us the images of my baby.

This past December – thanks to God – I gave birth to my baby girl. Her name is Alexis Jean...and she is the light of my life. If it hadn’t been for Heartbeat, I don’t know how I would have gotten by.

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You and your pregnant daughter do not have to succumb to pressure to have an abortion either. Do your research on all options carefully. Pray about it. Get counsel from a mature Christian who does not have a stake in the decision. Talk to someone at your local pregnancy resource center. You may find our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" a helpful resource to help you discuss all the decisions that must be made.

Tia's story

In a report from the Family Research Council, titled "A Passion To Serve", Tia tells her story:

When I found out I was pregnant, I had no idea what I was going to do. I thought there was no way I could provide for a child and decided that abortion was my only option. I went to the City Health Department looking for an abortion referral, but they suggested I go to the Pregnancy Care Center, a local Care Net center in Rocky Mount, North Carolina. At first I was scared they were going to judge me because of my situation, but when I walked through the doors I was accepted with open arms. My peer counselor offered me hope and assurance and told me that God has a plan for everyone, and that included me and my child. She told me that God would take care of both of us if I would let Him. That day, I gave my life to Jesus Christ and chose life for my child.

The center arranged for me to have an ultrasound, which revealed that I was having twins! Excited but a little anxious, this news motivated me to begin parenting classes at the center as well as to attend a Bible study. Through the parenting classes, I learned how to take care of myself, as well as my children. Through the Bible study, I learned how to draw closer to God and how to make positive decisions for my future. I realized that I’m worth waiting for and have made a new commitment to remain abstinent until marriage.

Today I am the proud mother of twins, a boy and girl, who I named Ma-chi and Ma-chiya. I plan on completing a degree in nursing and will soon begin classes.

If I could give advice to other girls that find themselves in a similar situation, I would tell them to never give up and to put all their faith in God, because with Him, anything is possible!

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You and your pregnant daughter do not have to succumb to pressure to have an abortion either. Do your research on all options carefully. Pray about it. Get counsel from a mature Christian who does not have a stake in the decision. Talk to someone at your local pregnancy resource center. You may find our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" a helpful resource to help you discuss all the decisions that must be made.

Tina and Isabella's Story

In a report from the Family Research Council, titled "A Passion To Serve", Tina tells her story:

My boyfriend said there was only one option: abortion. After all, what would our parents say? What would the people at our church think?

I obediently scheduled an appointment, but before the date arrived, I was overwhelmed with doubts. I knew I couldn't do it. Desperate for help and options, I turned to the phone book and found the Care Net Pregnancy Center of Cochise County.

I scheduled an appointment to meet with a peer counselor. They sat down with me and helped me go over all of my options, and they really listened to my needs. I didn't feel judged; I just felt cared for.

After meeting with my counselor, I knew that I wanted to keep this baby. I still had fears about how this decision was going to affect my future, but the staff from the pregnancy center was there for me throughout my pregnancy. They offered me parenting classes as well as ears to talk to, shoulders to cry on, and ready prayers.

And now, I have a beautiful little daughter, Isabella. When I look at my daughter, I still cannot believe that I almost considered abortion. Life as a single mother is not a bed of roses, but the love that I have for my daughter and the love that she gives to me make it all worthwhile.

I am so thankful for the love and support I received at the Care Net center and for their continuing friendship and prayers!

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You and your pregnant daughter do not have to succumb to pressure to have an abortion either. Do your research on all options carefully. Pray about it. Get counsel from a mature Christian who does not have a stake in the decision. Talk to someone at your local pregnancy resource center. You may find our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" a helpful resource to help you discuss all the decisions that must be made.

Megan and Ava's Story

In a report from the Family Research Council, titled "A Passion To Serve", Megan tells her story:

When I found out I was pregnant, I was scared, confused, and believed everything I had been told. "Having a baby will ruin your life." "Abortion is the only way out." "Young single mothers cannot make it in this world." The fears I felt toward confronting the pregnancy, and having such drastic changes take place in my life, confirmed my decision. An abortion was the only way to "save" my life as I knew it.

I made an appointment for the next week for a medical abortion, where I would take the medication/pill regimen known as RU-486. The thought of "surgical abortion" made me queasy, and the clinic staff made the pill sound so simple - like taking a Tylenol for a headache. It seemed like the perfect solution had fallen right in my lap. But what I first thought was the answer to my prayers soon came with its own set of worries. I couldn't shake the nagging thoughts in the back of my mind, those unsettled feelings that I was sure would disappear since I had made the appointment to take the RU-486.

My anxiety worsened as the date for the abortion grew closer. I crept slowly through the days, wishing that I could stall the abortion appointment until I felt 100% confident about my choice. It was the biggest decision of my life, and I needed, I craved some conviction that it was the right decision. One day, as I was riding on the bus I saw a sign that read, "Considering Abortion? Pregnancy Care Centers: Caring, Confidential, Trusted." It gave me a sense of comfort I hadn't felt in weeks. I decided to call the number... I figured at that point, what did I have to lose? Maybe I did have one more chance to talk to someone before the abortion.

When I called the Help Line phone number, I was nervous - I didn't want to be judged or pressured. I just wanted to hear something hopeful. The woman on the other end of the line listened, and didn't judge. She gave me information, and set me up with an appointment. I don't know what prompted me to go. But I knew that I couldn't go in and get the abortion without some sense of affirmation that whatever choice I made, it would be a well-informed decision.

The visit to the pregnancy care center changed my life. For the first time, I saw my situation for what it really was - a blessing, a miracle of life. I saw my baby on the ultrasound as a real person. I could see her as a newborn baby... a little girl... and a grown woman who would do amazing things in this world if I would just give her the opportunity. Seeing Ava opened my eyes to everything I couldn't see before. I was able to see past my fears and my worries, and experience the excitement and joy of a new life. I felt a renewed sense of purpose, and an overwhelming responsibility to myself as a woman, and my capabilities of being a mother. The support and love the center showed me gave me the validation I was searching for all along.

The center wasn't about fixing a "problem" or telling me what to do - it was about the undeniable, unselfish celebration of life... and not just my baby's life, but mine as well. It was about empowerment, guidance and support. They were my reminder, when I was too scared to remind myself, that I didn't need to succumb to pressure just because I was afraid, and that I could choose the life I wanted. For the first time, I felt like I had choices and that I could make a genuine, confident decision.

When I left the clinic, I realized that the pit in my stomach was gone. I no longer had that nagging feeling of dread I had while I was waiting to have the abortion. I finally understood that the dread was not just a result of my current situation. It was really a preview of the regret that I would feel living the rest of my life knowing I had made a decision that I didn't have any information about. It was regret in a decision which would have stolen those qualities of joy and unconditional love that I experience in my life every day now.

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You and your pregnant daughter do not have to succumb to pressure to have an abortion either. Do your research on all options carefully. Pray about it. Get counsel from a mature Christian who does not have a stake in the decision. Talk to someone at your local pregnancy resource center. You may find our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" a helpful resource to help you discuss all the decisions that must be made.

Five Myths on Fathers and Family

The National Review recently ran an article titled "Five Myths on Fathers and Family" by W. Bradford Wilcox (a professor of sociology at the University of Virginia). Here are a few interesting tidbits from that article.

1) The 'Mr. Mom' Surge is a myth. America has 22.5 million married familes with children under the age of 15. Less than 1% of these had a stay-at-home dad in 2008, but 24% had a stay-at-home mom.

What does your single-and-pregnant daughter envision for her role as mother? Does she desire to be a stay-at-home mom?

2) Myth: Women want everything 50/50. While married mothers do want fathers to contribute to housework and childcare, most do not insist on 50/50 because they count his full-time job as a contribution to the household. "A 2007 Pew Research Center study found that only 20% of mothers with children under 18 wanted to work full-time, compared with 72% of fathers with children under 18."

Does your single-and-pregnant daughter desire to work full-time, or would she prefer to work only part-time or not at all? If the baby's father will be involved in raising their child, what expectations does she have about his contributions to childcare and support? Does the baby's father desire to work full time?

3) Myth: Marriage is just a piece of paper. "Experts now estimate that about 40% of American children will spend some time in a cohabiting household, either because they are born into such a household or because one of their parents cohabits after a breakup. ... On average, cohabiting fathers do not compare with married fathers. As Sandra Hofferth of the University of Maryland and Kermyt Anderson of the University of Oklahoma found in a recent study, married fathers are significantly more involved and affectionate with their children than are cohabiting fathers. In fact, from their research, they conclude 'that marriage per se confers advantage in terms of father involvement above and beyond the characteristics of the fathers themselves.' Married fathers are also much more likely than their cohabiting peers to stick around. One recent study by Wendy Manning at Bowling Green State and Pamela Smock at the University of Michigan found that 50% of children born to cohabiting parents saw their parents break up by age five; by comparison, only 15% of children born to married parents saw their parents divorce by age five. Dad is much more likely to stick around if he has a wedding ring on his finger."

Paul Amato's research summarizes results that cohabiting parents tend to "have less education, earn less income, report poorer relationship quality, and experience more mental health problems" than parents who are married.

Talk to your single-and-pregnant daughter about this research. Does she want her child's father to stick around? If so, what is keeping them from getting married?

4) Myth: Divorce doesn't hurt children; single-parenting doesn't hurt children. "According to research by Sara McLanahan of Princeton University and Paul Amato of Penn State, girls whose parents divorce are about twice as likely to drop out of high school, to become pregnant as teenagers, and to suffer from psychological problems such as depression and thoughts of suicide. Girls whose parents divorce are also much more likely to divorce later in life."

In Amato's article in "The Future of Children", he points out that children born to single parents "reach adulthood with less education, earn less income, have lower occupational status, and are more likely to be idle (that is, not employed and not in school), are more likely to have a nonmarital birth (among daughters), have more troubled marriages, experience higher rates of divorce, and report more symptoms of depression" than children raised in a two-parent family.

Sara McLanahan and Gary Sandefur "found that 31% of youth with divorced parents dropped out of high school, compared with 37% of youth born outside marriage," compared to 13% of youth whose parents were continuously married. "Similarly, 33% of daughters with divorced parents had a teen birth, compared to 37% of daughters born outside marriage" and 11% of daughters with continuously married parents. "Other studies that have compared offspring in these two groups yield similar results with respect to occupational attainment, earned income, depression, and the risk of seeing one's own marriage end in divorce."

Does your single-and-pregnant daughter plan to marry the baby's father before the child is born? or at all? A father-figure is very important in the development of children. The statistics above indicate that children with married parents are less likely to have problems. They also indicate that children do a little better in a divorced family than in a single-parent family. What does your daughter think about these statistics? Do they encourage her to get married or to examine an adoption plan so her child can be raised by married parents?

5) Myth: Dads are dispensable. "Children typically do better in an intact, married families with their fathers than they do in families headed by single mothers."

"Fathers bring distinctive talents to the parenting enterprise. The work of psychologist Ross Parke, for instance, indicates that fathers are more likely than mothers to engage their children in vigorous physical play (e.g., roughhousing), to challenge their children — including their daughters — to embrace life’s challenges, and to be firm disciplinarians."

"Not surprisingly, children benefit from being exposed to the distinctive paternal style. Sociologist David Eggebeen has shown, for instance, that teenagers are significantly less likely to suffer from depression and delinquency when they have involved and affectionate fathers, even after controlling for the quality of their relationship with their mother. In his words, “What these analyses clearly show is that mothers and fathers both make vital contributions to adolescent well-being.”"

"Linda Carroll at MSNBC has written an incisive story showing that involved and affectionate fathers play a crucial role in steering their daughters away from early sexual activity; in fact, it turns out that dads are more important than moms in protecting their teenage daughters from early sex."

Who will play the role of father-figure for your daughter's child? If no one is able or willing to make this commitment, she should consider making an adoption plan that involves a married couple.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?", "Should they marry?", "Teen marriage success", "The importance of a father", "Should she parent alone?", "Should we adopt the baby?", and "Should she make an adoption plan" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Stress and Support

A study of 2,921 mothers revealed that single mothers were twice as likely as married mothers to experience a bout of depression in the prior year.

Single mothers also reported higher levels of stress, fewer contacts with family and friends, less involvement with church or social groups and less overall social support.

Source: Cairney, John and Michael Boyle et al. “Stress, Social Support and Depression in Single and Married Mothers.” Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology 38 (August 2003): 442-449.

Talk to your pregnant daughter about this statistic. Does she plan to be a single parent, or to marry the baby's father? What are her thoughts about how she can better handle the stress of being a parent after her baby is born? How will she maintain contact with friends and family? How will she get to church at least once a week? What social groups will she attend regularly? For example, does your church have a single parent's support group? Or a Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) group? Does your pregnant daughter have a history of depression? If so, she should be prepared to take quick action if she gets depressed after the baby is born.

If your family does not have the resources to help your pregnant daughter with these needs for emotional and social support and she does not plan to marry the baby's father, consider whether an adoption plan would provide benefits for both the child and your daughter.

Help your daughter get emotional support right now, during her pregnancy, by attending classes at your local pregnancy help center. Your daughter can learn about parenting and adoption, decision-making skills, relationship skills, and maybe even financial skills and job skills if those topics are available.

Single Moms Often Poor

Children in father-absent homes are five times more likely to be poor.

In 2002, 7.8% of children in married-couple families were living in poverty, compared to 38.4% of children in female-householder families.

Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Children’s Living Arrangements and Characteristics: March 2002, P200-547, Table C8. Washington D.C.: GPO, 2003.

Talk with your daughter about the issues revealed in the statistics above.

• What are her dreams about a present and involved father for her child?
  
• What qualities of a good father can the baby's father provide currently?
  
• If the baby's father is not a good candidate for an ongoing relationship, what male(s) can step in to provide a healthy father figure?

Our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single" has several chapters about the father of your daughter's baby: "Where Does The Baby's Father Belong In All This?", "Forgiving The Baby's Father", "Forgiving The Young Man's Parents", and "The Importance Of A Father."

As you and your daughter talk about an involved father for her child, try to determine who will play this role. It may be the child's father. If he is a safe person and has the potential to provide for his family and to learn parenting skills, your daughter should seek counseling about whether to marry him. I strongly recommend that any couple get good pre-marriage counseling that teaches them about managing expectations, communication skills, and gives the basics of financial skills such as budgeting and balancing a checkbook. In addition, the couple will need to be attending parenting skills classes so that they both participate in caring for the needs of their child. You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Should They Marry?" and "Should She Parent Alone?"

If the child's father will not be involved for whatever reason, who in your current family could play this crucial role of father figure?

If no father-figure is available or acceptable, spend some time considering an adoption plan where the child would have the advantages of a father as the child grows.

If your daughter is determined to be a single mother, what job skills does your she currently have? How can you help your pregnant daughter improve her job skills? What kind of career could she train for quickly? What financial help for living expenses or career training expenses are available in your family? Where can she get quality childcare while she is at work? You may also want to read the "Childcare Responsibilities" chapter in our book .

Setting Goals

Family & Consumer Sciences at Michigan State University Extension created a free program called "Caring for My Family." One of the lessons in this program is called "Planning and Preparing for My Choice" and it focuses on making goals and taking action regarding the relationship between the pregnant woman and the baby's father. Consider printing out this lesson and discussing it with your pregnant daughter and her baby's father. Help your daughter and the baby's father to get outside counseling about their relationship and its future. Some of the main points from this lesson are as follows.

Goals are important in all areas of life: Goals give us a sense of purpose and direction. Goals help to move us to act. Goals help you decide what is most important to do first. Goals keep you focused on improving your life and not just doing for doing’s sake. Goals give you signs that you are making progress.

What kinds of goals might your pregnant daughter have at this point? The lesson gives a bunch of example goals. Discuss these goals with your daughter; have her pick out goals that are meaningful to her, given her specific situation.

Example Goals for building a strong family: To better manage my stress and anger. To spend time with my baby and other children. To take better care of myself so I can be a better parent. To visit my mom once a week with the baby. To earn enough money to care for my family. To learn new job skills. To set and work on goals for my family’s future. To keep a balance between my work and family responsibilities. To think about my baby first when getting involved with someone romantically. To find free or inexpensive things to do as a family. To find safe and affordable child care (Read the chapter "Childcare responsibilities" in our book). To get to know my partner’s other children.

Exampel Goals for involving my baby’s father or mother -- for parenting together: To prepare a parenting plan with my baby’s other parent. To set a time each week for my baby’s dad to see him or her. To find another man who can be a male presence (father figure) for my baby. To have my baby’s dad help take care of my baby. To get financial support from my baby’s dad. To help my child get to know his/her dad. To increase my partner’s involvement in making decisions about our baby. To work together with my baby’s dad to raise him or her. To get the family members of my baby’s dad involved. To set aside my negative feelings about my baby’s dad (Read the chapter "Forgiving the baby's father" in our book).

Example Goals for creating a healthy relationship with my baby’s father: To patch things up with my baby’s father or mother. To open the lines of communication with my baby’s mother or father. To get ready to marry my baby’s father or mother, or another person. To learn how to talk to my baby’s father or other partner without being afraid. To learn good listening skills. To watch my body language and avoid giving mixed messages to my baby’s father or other partners. To listen and allow him/her to express his/her feelings when she/he does it safely. To spend time together alone. To be more assertive. To ask for help from my family or baby’s father or other partner. To leave the relationship because it is unhealthy and unsafe for me and my baby. To work toward a long-term relationship with my baby’s mother or father. To solve problems together about our baby. To say “no” and not feel guilty. To enjoy my life with or without a romantic relationship. To recognize my strengths. To nurture and take good care of myself. To find a partner that wants a healthy and loving relationship with me. To have a more positive relationship with my baby’s father.

If you don’t know what to do, set a goal: To decide what role my baby’s dad or mom should have in my baby’s upbringing. To decide your future involvement with my baby’s other parent. To decide the steps to make my family stronger.

Now that you have picked a few goals, write down your goal and how long it might take you to achieve it. Write down the three biggest strengths you have that will help you achieve this goal. Write down as many potential stumbling blocks as you can think of. Which of these stumbling blocks do you have control over? Brainstorm ways to handle the stumbling blocks that you have control over. Write down what this goal will cost you (What will you have to give up to get what you want? Money, time, relationships, present living situation, other choices?). Finally, write down action steps that move you toward completing this goal. Make one action step something you can do today, one step something you can do this week, and one step something you can do this month.

You may find it helpful to read the following chapters from our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy": "First steps to take", "Where will we be in a year?", and "Our hope for the next five years".

Examining Relationships

Family & Consumer Sciences at Michigan State University Extension created a free program called "Caring for My Family." One of the lessons in this program is called "Making Your Choice" and it focuses on examining the realtionship between the pregnant woman and the baby's father. Consider printing out this lesson and discussing it with your pregnant daughter and her baby's father. Help your daughter and the baby's father to get outside counseling about their relationship and its future. Some of the main points from this lesson are as follows.

The lesson asks some questions to help each person look at their relationship. These questions should be answered on paper, by your daughter and the baby's father separately. As a parent, write your own answers to some of these questions twice: once about your pregnant daughter and once about the baby's father [as you'll see, not all of them apply to you. For example, 'would you consider marrying this person?' However, you could rewrite them to work for you (for example, 'do you think your daughter should consider marrying this person')]. After everyone is finished writing their answers, get together (possibly with an outside counselor) and discuss everyone's answers. These also make good thought questions for your other children who are in dating relationships (some questions will have to be reworded to match their dating relationship instead of a parenting relationship).

• When you think of the baby’s father/mother, what are the major feelings you have?
• Would you consider marrying this person? Why or why not?
• What do you think marriage to this person would be like?
• What attracted you to him or her to begin with? Do the same things still attract you?
• Has the baby’s father or mother been a good or bad influence in your life?
• Do you love each other?
• What do you like best about him or her? Least?
• Who puts more into the relationship?
• Do you get along with his/her family and friends?
• How would you change him/her?
• Do you talk enough? Do you listen to each other when you do talk?
• Do you argue too much or not enough?
• Has the baby’s mother/father hurt you or your baby in any major way? If so, was it deliberate? Were his/her intentions good?
• Have you hurt him/her or your baby in any way?
• Does he/she limit you in any way? If so, how?
• What interests and friends do you share?
• How would you describe him/her as parent? Is he a good father or is she a good mother?
• What would you miss if you stopped seeing each other? What do you miss, if have already stopped seeing each other?
• What would you be glad about if you broke up? Or what are you glad about since you broke up?
• How does your relationship compare to the one you’d like?
• How do you see your relationship with him/her five years from now? 18 years from now?
• Are your present actions taking you there?
• What other concerns do you have about the baby’s father or mother?

Now that you have examined the relationship between your pregnant daughter and the baby's father a little bit, you can start to examine the options for their relationship going forward. There are a number of options which should be considered carefully. Make pro/con lists for each of these options. Then spend time thinking and praying about which choice to make. Basically, your pregnant daughter has the following choices for the relationship with the baby's father:

• Marry the baby's father 'soon' (within a year)
• Marry the baby's father at some point much later (years in the future)
• Have no contact/involvement with the baby's father: either be a single parent, marry someone else (at some later point), or choose an adoptive family for the baby
• Not marry the baby's father but he will be involved in parenting with you to some degree
• Not marry the baby's father at this time (and maybe never) and choose an adoptive family for the baby

You may find it helpful to read the following chapters from our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy": "Where does the baby's father belong in all this?", "Should they marry?", "Teen marriage success", "Should she parent alone?", and "Should she make an adoption plan?".

The Effects of Teen Pregnancy

The Campaign for Our Children has a fact sheet called "The Effects of Teen Pregnancy" which lists the following statistics. Talk to your kids about these.

The Effects of Teen Pregnancy

50% of adolescents who have a baby become pregnant again within two years of the baby’s birth. We posted about this topic just the other day: "A Second (or Third) Teen Pregnancy". Talk to your kids about choosing sexual integrity.

Only 41% of teenage mothers complete high school, making it less likely for teen mothers to have the skills necessary to qualify for a well-paying job. Help your pregnant daughter finish school and get job skills. Help your daughter identify some goals for education and job training. With your pregnant daughter, research adoption to see if this option would benefit your daughter and her child.

Almost 50% of all teen mothers and more than 75% of unmarried teen mothers begin receiving welfare within five years of the birth of their first child. Help your daughter find other community resources that can help too. With your pregnant daughter, research adoption to see if this option would benefit your daughter and her child.

Nearly 80% of fathers of children born to teen mothers do not marry the mothers. How is the relationship between your pregnant daughter and the baby's father? Does your daughter hope to marry him, or has he disappeared? What challenges will your daughter face if she chooses to be a single mother? How could your whole family help her with these challenges? Is adoption an option that would be beneficial to your daughter and her child?

Teen fathers pay less than $800 in child support. With your pregnant daughter, figure our how much money she will need each month to support herself and her child. How much support will your family be able to help her with?

Children born to teen mothers are more likely to have low birth weight and related problems such as infant death, blindness, and mental retardation. Make sure your pregnant teen gets medical care right away. Your pregnant teen also needs proper nutrition for herself and her child.

Children of teen parents often receive inadequate parenting, are subject to abuse and neglect, and often have insufficient health care. Help your pregnant daughter start learning about parenting skills. Also research with your daughter to see if adoption would be an appropriate solution to this area of challenge for her.

Children of teen parents are 50% more likely to repeat a grade, perform poorly on standardized tests, and ultimately less likely to complete high school. If your daughter plans to parent her child, how can your family and other community resources help her child overcome this education challenge? Also research with your daughter to see if adoption would be an appropriate solution to this area of challenge for her.

Sources:
1. National Vital Statistics, Vol. 50, No. 50, 2002
2. National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy (2002). Not Just Another Single Issue, Washington, DC.
3. Maynard, R.A. (1996). Kids having kids: A Robin Hood Foundation special report on the costs of adolescent childbearing. New York, Robin Hood Foundation.

Help your pregnant daughter with: Job Skills

The other day we posted about the topic "How much should parents help their pregnant single daughter?"We've received this question is various forms. Another way this has been phrased is "How does a mom support her pregnant daughter?" Keywords we've seen on our statistics include phrases like "helping your pregnant daughter." That post focused on the minimum basics of safe housing, nutrition, and medical care. Today let's talk about some other help beyond the minimum basics.

Beyond the minimum basics of housing, nutrition, and medical care, parents of a pregnant teen or college student should consider how they might help with these goals:

1. Helping your daughter remain in school until graduation.
2. Preventing subsequent adolescent pregnancies.
3. Improving parenting skills.
4. Locating and using community resources.
5. Stabilizing family support systems.
6. Strengthening employability skills and efforts to become economically self-sufficient. (Today's topic)

Again, your motive of considering these kinds of help is not to reward your daughter's sexual activity and pregnancy outside of marriage, but to help get her on the road to independence and to help give your grandchild a better start in life. Today's topic is:

6. Strengthening employability skills and efforts to become economically self-sufficient.

Obviously, the exact skills your daughter needs in order to get a desirable job will vary depending on the type of work. But there are several general skills that will benefit her no matter what kind of job she is seeking.

First, finishing her basic education (a high school diploma or GED) is very beneficial. Read the chapter "Completing School" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" for more information. If your daughter does not know what kind of job would interest her, find career counseling for her. If she is in public school, do the guidance counselors have career interest surveys that can help her find an area of interest? Career guidance may also be available from paid professionals, counselors, and agencies.

The American Education Services lists these general employment skills:

Strong Work Ethic – Employers want workers who are reliable, dependable, and self-motivated. Have your daughter rate herself on these three traits. How reliable does she feel she is? Is she more reliable in some areas than in others? For example, is she reliable in picking up a friend on time, but less reliable in cleaning her room? On the job, does she show up on time? Does she get her job tasks done correctly and on time? How dependable does your daughter feel she is? If an unpleasant task really needs to be done, does your daughter do it or does she procrastinate? How self-motivated does your daughter feel she is? Does she require bribes to do her chores or get good grades? Does she have dreams, goals and plans for her future? On the job, does she pro-actively take care of problems, or does she only do what she is ordered to do?

Time Management Skills – Planning and following a schedule, listing the tasks you need to complete, and estimating how long it will take. Talk with your daughter about these skills. How would she rate herself on her ability to make and follow a schedule? Is she able to create to-do lists and successfully complete those activities? On the job, does she faithfully follow her work schedule? Is she able to coordinate her work schedule with other things like school and church?

Problem-Solving Skills – Be able to identify a problem, develop solutions, and implement the solutions. How does your daughter rate herself on her problem-solving skills? On the job, is she able to figure out how to solve problems that arise?

Communication Skills – Verbal communication includes speaking and listening. Written communication includes reading and writing. It is vital that your daughter develop ALL of these skills. How does your daughter rate herself on her verbal communication skills? How about her written communication skills? If one area is stronger than the other, brainstorm with her how she could improve her skills.

"People" Skills – The ability to work well with others, based on trust and mutual respect. How does your daughter rate her people skills? What could she do to improve these skills?

Computer Skills – Be able to use word processing and spreadsheet programs, e-mail, and the Internet. How does your daughter rate her computer skills? Many schools, libraries and other agencies offer free or low-cost classes to improve these important job skills.

To be economically self-sufficient, your daughter needs to figure out how much it costs to live and then figure out what kind of job would pay her enough to cover her expenses. The chapter titled "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" guides you and your daughter through the exercises of making a budget, and also developing a contract that specifies her privileges and responsibilities if she will be living in your home although many of these responsibilities should be reflected in her budget.

Help your pregnant daughter with: Support Systems

The other day we posted about the topic "How much should parents help their pregnant single daughter?"We've received this question is various forms. Another way this has been phrased is "How does a mom support her pregnant daughter?" Keywords we've seen on our statistics include phrases like "helping your pregnant daughter." That post focused on the minimum basics of safe housing, nutrition, and medical care. Today let's talk about some other help beyond the minimum basics.

Beyond the minimum basics of housing, nutrition, and medical care, parents of a pregnant teen or college student should consider how they might help with these goals:

1. Helping your daughter remain in school until graduation.
2. Preventing subsequent adolescent pregnancies.
3. Improving parenting skills.
4. Locating and using community resources.
5. Stabilizing family support systems. (Today's topic)
6. Strengthening employability skills and efforts to become economically self-sufficient.

Again, your motive of considering these kinds of help is not to reward your daughter's sexual activity and pregnancy outside of marriage, but to help get her on the road to independence and to help give your grandchild a better start in life. Today's topic is:

5. Stabilizing family support systems. This phrase doesn't mean just that the family supports the pregnant daughter, but that the entire family has other people that help the family. Think about how easy it is to break a single popcicle stick. But it is much harder to break a handful of sticks. By having many sticks put together in a bundle the sticks are much stronger and very difficult to break. The same is true for people. When we are isolated and alone, the stress of life can become overwhelming. However, when we have people who can provide us with support we are made stronger and more resilient against the stress of life. The Bible expreses this thought in Ecclesiastes 4:12, "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." (NIV)

Social support has been defined as the emotional, instrumental, or informational help that other people provide an individual. Each member of your family needs each kind of social support:

Emotional support is the type of support that helps you feel good about yourself. It is provided when someone really listens to you and helps you sort through your thoughts and feelings.

Instrumental support, another type of support, is given when someone provides concrete help to you, such as giving you money, doing your dishes, or babysitting for you.

Informational support, a third type of social support, refers to advice or information gained about decisions, such as parenting, employment, or medical concerns.

These various types of support can come from many different sources. Get a piece of paper for you and one for your daughter. Make three columns on each sheet: Emotional support; Instrumental support; and Informational support. Then each of you list people and organizations that help you currently with that type of support. Write down how they provide you support. Now discuss your sheets together: What types of support do you need more of? Brainstorm ways to get more support in those areas, perhaps by finding community resources that can help. For example, if there is a pregnancy care center near you, they may be able to help with mentoring and education for you and your pregnant daughter.

Some of the above inofrmation was from a Michigan State University Extension program called "Caring for My Family". The Caring for my Family curriculum helps mothers and fathers of newborns learn about building healthy relationships through a series of interactive educational experiences. The purpose of the program is to equip unmarried mothers and fathers with skills for making healthy decisions and to explore future options for their relationship including the potential of getting married. New parents will learn skills for parenting together and strengthening their family unit. You might want to do some of these lessons with your family.

Help your pregnant daughter with: Improving Parenting Skills

The other day we posted about the topic "How much should parents help their pregnant single daughter?"We've received this question is various forms. Another way this has been phrased is "How does a mom support her pregnant daughter?" Keywords we've seen on our statistics include phrases like "helping your pregnant daughter." That post focused on the minimum basics of safe housing, nutrition, and medical care. Today let's talk about some other help beyond the minimum basics.

Beyond the minimum basics of housing, nutrition, and medical care, parents of a pregnant teen or college student should consider how they might help with these goals:

1. Helping your daughter remain in school until graduation.
2. Preventing subsequent adolescent pregnancies.
3. Improving parenting skills. (Today's topic)
4. Locating and using community resources.
5. Stabilizing family support systems.
6. Strengthening employability skills and efforts to become economically self-sufficient.

Again, your motive of considering these kinds of help is not to reward your daughter's sexual activity and pregnancy outside of marriage, but to help get her on the road to independence and to help give your grandchild a better start in life. Today's topic is:

3. Improving parenting skills. Being a parent, you know that parenting can be frustrating at times, humorous at times, and exhausting at times. Teens who have not had extensive babysitting experience may not realize how tiring it is to supervise children. Teens who have done extensive babysitting may not realize that parenting is not always fun and games like it can be when caring for someone else's children for a few hours.

Help your pregnant teen or college student learn the parenting skills they need. Your local pregnancy help center may have a series of classes that covers infant care (bathing, feeding, etc.), child development (physical, emotional, mental), and parental coping skills (budgeting, time management, etc.). Other sources for these classes include local hospitals, schools, community centers, social services, churches, and other non-profit organizations.

Skills your daughter needs to develop as a parent:

1) Patience. Infants, toddlers, and children can all test a parent's patience in various ways.

2) Anger management. As children grow, they are constantly testing their boundaries. When parents lose their patience, they may become angry. Parents must learn to manage their anger so that they do not act abusively.

3) Communication. Infants start with very limited communication skills: basically, crying. After a few months infants learn to smile and laugh. As infants grow they learn to make speech sounds, but aren't yet speaking words and certainly not sentences. Your daughter needs to learn about the phases of communication her child will grow through and how she can communicate with her child at each phase.

4) Listening and responding. Listening skills are definitely part of communication, but they deserve special notice. True listening is not something we do naturally... it takes training to really listen instead of just wait until you can start talking. Likewise, responding is more than just waiting until you can get a word in edgewise. There is a difference between reacting and responding. Your daughter needs to learn how to respond, not react.

4) Health care. Your daughter needs to learn about how to take care of her child. She needs to be able to recognize sickness, how to handle accidents and injuries, and when she should call the doctor. Your daughter needs to follow through with immunization appointments for her child. Your daughter also needs to take care of her own health. For example, if your daughter becomes depressed after giving birth, she will have a difficult time being a good parent.

5) Teaching. Your daughter is a teacher for your grandchild... she teaches everything from reading to how to handle emotions to the difference between right and wrong.

6) Discipline. Discipline should be teaching, not punishment. Infants are not able to know the difference between right and wrong. Parents need to learn about appropriate discipline at each stage of their child's growth, and how to express discipline with love not anger. Responding (not reacting) skills are important in discipline.

7) Coping skills. Sometimes everything just gets overwhelming. How does your daughter cope when she is overwhelmed? Does she drink alcohol? Yell? Hit? All parents need to learn about how to cope with the frustrations of life.

8) Decision-making skills. As a parent, your daughter will be making hundreds of decisions a day. Some are small (what to wear), some are big decisions. Parents need to learn how to make decisions in a reasoned way, not merely following their emotions of the moment.

Learning how to be a good parent takes time. After all, the child keeps growing into new phases of development, which means a parent has something new to learn! Your daughter needs your help learning about good parenting skills. Help her find books, classes, support groups, and other resources that can help her become the best parent possible.

A Second (or Third, or...) Teen Pregnancy

The other day we posted about the topic "How much should parents help their pregnant single daughter?"We've received this question is various forms. Another way this has been phrased is "How does a mom support her pregnant daughter?" Keywords we've seen on our statistics include phrases like "helping your pregnant daughter." That post focused on the minimum basics of safe housing, nutrition, and medical care. Today let's talk about some other help beyond the minimum basics.

Beyond the minimum basics of housing, nutrition, and medical care, parents of a pregnant teen or college student should consider how they might help with these goals:

1. Helping your daughter remain in school until graduation.
2. Preventing subsequent adolescent pregnancies. (Today's topic)
3. Improving parenting skills.
4. Locating and using community resources.
5. Stabilizing family support systems.
6. Strengthening employability skills and efforts to become economically self-sufficient.

Again, your motive of considering these kinds of help is not to reward your daughter's sexual activity and pregnancy outside of marriage, but to help get her on the road to independence and to help give your grandchild a better start in life. Today's topic is:

2. Preventing subsequence adolescent pregnancies. According to a report evaluating data from 2002, 20-25% of teen mothers give birth to a second child before they turn 20 years old. This report says,

"An additional birth to a teen mother shortly after her first birth appears to be associated with increased difficulties for the mother, for the outcome of the second pregnancy, and for her children. For the mother, an additional birth is associated with reduced ability to complete her education or to attain economic self-sufficiency. There may also be increased risk of preterm delivery, low birthweight, and infant mortality—although the evidence in these areas is mixed. If a teen mother gives birth again as a teenager or shortly thereafter, her children are more likely to have reduced educational achievement and possibly behavioral problems— problems that may be explained, in part, by the inadequate education of the mothers themselves or by the poverty and lifestyle of the family as a result of school failure and the inability to secure employment."

If your teen daughter should become pregnant another time before she turns 20, it may seem like abortion is a solution. However, abortion carries physical and emotional risks too. If your daughter aborts her second child and then feels deep regret and seeks to get pregnant again with an "atonement child" her situation was not improved by the abortion. A healthier solution is for your daughter to pursue sexual integrity. Sexual integrity is more than abstaining from sex until marriage, it is developing healthy attitudes and actions in all areas of human sexuality. In our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy", read the chapter titled "Restoring Sexual Integrity". Sexual integrity, including abstinence until marriage, is the only 100% effective way for your daughter to avoid a repeat pregnancy and to avoid infection with a sexually transmitted disease. In addition, sexual integrity protects her emotions, unlike condoms and pills.

Dr. Doug Rosenau is a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist in Atlanta. He is the author of A Celebration of Sex (Thomas Nelson). Dr. Rosenau has written overviews of "Eight Skills for Sexual Integrity", which are very worthwhile reading and discussing with all of your children. These articles are written for male readers, so discuss with your daughters how the same concept can be applied to them.

Sexual Integrity Skill One: Plug into God's thinking and power
Sexual Integrity Skill Two: Meet nonsexual needs nonsexually
Sexual Integrity Skill Three: Discipline sexual fantasies and surges
Sexual Integrity Skill Four: Embrace masculinity and enjoy moms, sisters and daughters
Sexual Integrity Skill Five: Cultivate covenant monogamy and passionate intimacy
Sexual Integrity Skill Six: Make positive pre- and post-temptation choices
Sexual Integrity Skill Seven: Run to God's ER when broken
Sexual Integrity Skill Eight: Create practical theologies for doubtful issues

Challenges of poverty

In a report called "America's Children in Brief: Key National Indicators of Well-Being, 2008" there are some recent statistics that highlight the challenges your single parent daughter may need help with. In a previous post, we noted the statistics that more and more women are choosing to be single parents. As you see below, many single parents live in poverty. So if your daughter is a single mother, know that you are not alone in the challenges you face!

Economic Circumstances
In 2006, children living in families with a female head with no husband present (female-householder families) continued to experience a higher poverty rate (42 percent) than children living in married-couple families (8 percent). If your single parent daughter and her child live below the poverty line, your grandchild is exposed to the possibility of several other challenges: education, health care, and housing. Will every single parent face these challenges? No. Will every family living below the poverty line face these challenges? No. But if your daughter is a single parent, these are possible additional challenges.

Children's Education Challenges
Children in families with incomes of 200 percent or more of the poverty threshold were more likely to be read to daily by a family member (65 percent) than were children in families with incomes 100–199 percent of the poverty threshold (60 percent) or those in families with incomes below the poverty threshold (50 percent) in 2005.

Dental Health Challenges
Good oral health requires professional dental care as well as routine personal care. The American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry recommends regular dental visits beginning at 1 year of age. Among children living in families with incomes less than 200 percent of the poverty threshold, 68 percent had a dental visit in the past year, compared with 82 percent of children in families with incomes of 200 percent or more of the poverty threshold.

Housing challenges
Inadequate, crowded, or costly housing can pose serious problems to children's physical, psychological, and material well-being. In 2005, 40 percent of U.S. households (both owners and renters) with children had one or more of three housing problems: physically inadequate housing, crowded housing, or a housing-cost burden of more than 30 percent of household income. Cost burdens have driven significant increases in the incidence of problems since 2003, when 37 percent of households had one or more of these housing problems, as well as over the long term. Severe cost burdens—housing costs exceeding 50 percent of income—are especially prevalent among the lowest-income renters, affecting 45 percent of very-low-income renters with children in 2005.

Talk with your teens about these statistics. If your teen daughter is pregnant, brainstorm with her about ways your family can address these possible challenges should they arise. In what ways do these possible challenges affect your pregnant teen's thinking about single parenting and her thinking about adoption? Does your community or church offer a support group for single parents? Does your community have a pregnancy resource center that offers support to single parents? Are there any housing options that your daughter's family could safely share with another single parent's family in order to reduce expenses? Does your single parent daughter have any interest in marrying? What could your family do to read to the children every single day? Brainstorm ideas for getting dental care for your daughter's children.

America's Birth Rates

CNN titled their article "Teen pregnancies up for first time in 15 years", based on data from this year's "America's Children in Brief: Key National Indicators of Well-Being, 2008" from the Federal Interagency Forum on Child and Family Statistics. CNN says that teen pregnancy went up for the first time in 15 years. But that's not explicitely what the data is saying! The data says live BIRTHS to teens increased. Was there an increase in pregnancy, or simply an increase in choosing birth over abortion? Or were there fewer miscarriages? Or was there an increase in multiple births? The data does not talk about any of these factors, so concluding that pregnancy is up is not proveable based on this data. The only thing the data proves is that births were up. It is quite possible that the total number of pregnancies was stable; the data does not say one way or the other.

There were 51 births (not just pregnancies, so these statistics do not include abortions and miscarriages) for every 1,000 unmarried women ages 15–44 in 2006, up from 48 per 1,000 in 2005 (figure 2) [1]. This increase in birth count has many influences: multiple births have increased due to infertility treatments, abortion rates may be lower, as demographics change we may see more births due to varied cultural values, etc. Since abortion rates are not a mandatory reporting category, we have no way to officially and formally compare births to abortions. Some agencies give estimated comparisons based on the limited data that is available. Note that this statistic does not count births to women under the age of 15. I don't know whether this information isn't collected or isn't tabulated, but procedures need to change to account for all births instead of assuming a particular 'childbearing age' range.

In 2006, the adolescent birth rate (to unmarried teens AND married teens combined) [3] was 22 births per 1,000 young women ages 15–17 (138,920 births), up from 21 births per 1,000 in 2005 (Figure 3). This was the first increase in this measure since the increase between 1990 and 1991 [4, 5, 6]. Again, the data is not proving an increase in total numbers of pregnancy, simply an increase in the number of women giving birth.

Between 1991 and 2005, the birth rate for Black, non-Hispanic teenagers ages 15–17 dropped from 86 to 35 per 1,000. The birth rate for this group increased in 2006. Are Black teens choosing birth over abortion slightly more than they did in the past?

Between 1991 and 2004, the birth rate for White, non-Hispanic teenagers dropped from 24 to 12 per 1,000 [4, 6]. The birth rate for this group increased in 2006. Are White teens choosing birth over abortion slithly more than they did in the past?


The birth rate for unmarried women has risen rapidly since 2002. [2]

• The rate had been relatively stable between the mid–1990s and 2002, following a long-term increase between 1960 and 1994.
• In 2006, 38 percent of all births were to unmarried women, up from 37 percent in 2005.

Between 1980 and 2006, the percentage of births to unmarried women rose sharply for women in all age groups:

• Among teenagers, the percentage rose from 62 to 92 percent for ages 15–17 and from 40 to 81 percent for ages 18–19. So apparently teens in the 1980s were much more likely to get married when pregnant than they are currently.
• The percentage tripled for births to women in their twenties, from 19 to 58 percent for women ages 20–24 and from 9 to 31 percent for women ages 25–29. Again, apparently 20-somethings were much more likely to get married when pregnant than they are currently.
• The percentage of births to unmarried women in their thirties more than doubled from 8 to 18 percent. Again, apparently 30-somethings were much more likely to get married when pregnant than they are currently.

If you are the parent of a daughter who is pregnant and single (at any age group), you are certainly not alone!

[1] Hamilton, B.E., Martin, J.A., and Ventura, S.J. (2007). Births: Preliminary data for 2006. National Vital Statistics Reports, 56(7). Hyattsville, MD: National Center for Health Statistics.
[2] National Center for Health Statistics. National Vital Statistics System. (2007). Unpublished tabulations.
[3] The birth rate for adolescents ages 15–17 includes married and unmarried teenagers.
[4] Martin, J.A., Hamilton, B.E., Sutton, P.D., Ventura, S.J., Menacker, F.J., Kirmeyer, S., and Munson, M.L. (2007). Births: Final data for 2005. National Vital Statistics Reports, 56(6). Hyattsville, MD: National Center for Health Statistics.
[5] Hamilton, B.E., Martin, J.A., and Ventura, S.J. (2007). Births: Preliminary data for 2006. National Vital Statistics Reports, 56(7). Hyattsville, MD: National Center for Health Statistics.
[6] Hamilton, B.E., Sutton, P.D., and Ventura, S.J. (2003). Revised birth and fertility rates for the 1990s: United States, and new rates for Hispanic populations, 2000 and 2001. National Vital Statistics Reports, 51(12). Hyattsville, MD: National Center for Health Statistics.

Fathers: More healthy moms, babies, kids

When talking about pregnancy in the teen and college population we often focus solely on the pregnant young mother, neglecting the father. So let's spend this week after Father's Day looking at fathers a little bit, and think and talk about how the baby's father impacts your daughter, her child, and your family.

The National Fatherhood Initiative summarizes the following independent research studies:

Father Factor in Maternal and Infant Health

- Infant mortality rates are 1.8 times higher for infants of unmarried mothers than for married mothers.
Source: Matthews, T.J., Sally C. Curtin, and Marian F. MacDorman. Infant Mortality Statistics from the 1998 Period Linked Birth/Infant Death Data Set. National Vital Statistics Reports, Vol. 48, No. 12. Hyattsville, MD: National Center for Health Statistics, 2000.

- Based on birth and death data for 217,798 children born in Georgia in 1989 and 1990, infants without a father’s name on their birth certificate (17.9 percent of the total) were 2.3 times more likely to die in the first year of life compared to infants with a father’s name on their birth certificate.
Source: Gaudino, Jr., James A., Bill Jenkins, and Foger W. Rochat. “No Fathers’ Names: A Risk Factor for Infant Mortality in the State of Georgia, USA.” Social Science and Medicine 48 (1999): 253-265.

- Unmarried mothers are less likely to obtain prenatal care and more likely to have a low birth-weight baby. Researchers find that these negative effects persist even when they take into account factors, such as parental education, that often distinguish single-parent from two-parent families.
Source: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Public Health Service. Center for Disease Control and Prevention. National Center for Health Statistics. Report to Congress on Out-of-Wedlock Childbearing. Hyattsville, MD (Sept. 1995): 12.

- Expectant fathers can play a powerful as advocates of breastfeeding. Three-fourths of women whose partners attended a breastfeeding promotion class initiated breastfeeding.
Source: Wolfberg, Adam J., et al. “Dads as breastfeeding advocates: results from a randomized controlled trial of an educational intervention.” American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology 191 (September 2004): 708-712.

- Fathers’ knowledge about breastfeeding increases the likelihood that a child will be breastfed. Children who fathers knew more had a 1.76 higher chance of being breastfed at the end of the first month and 1.91 higher chance of receiving maternal milk at the end of the third month.
Source: Susin, Lurie R.O. “Does Parental Breastfeeding Knowledge Increase Breastfeeding Rates?” BIRTH 26 (September 1999): 149-155.

- Twenty-three percent of unmarried mothers in large U.S. cities reported cigarette use during their pregnancy. Seventy-one percent were on Medicare.
Source: McLanahan, Sara. The Fragile Families and Child Well-being Study: Baseline National Report. Table 7. Princeton, NJ: Center for Research on Child Well-being, 2003: 16.

- A study of 2,921 mothers revealed that single mothers were twice as likely as married mothers to experience a bout of depression in the prior year. Single mothers also reported higher levels of stress, fewer contacts with family and friends, less involvement with church or social groups and less overall social support.
Source: Cairney, John and Michael Boyle et al. “Stress, Social Support and Depression in Single and Married Mothers.” Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology 38 (August 2003): 442-449.

- In a longitudinal study of more than 10,000 families, researchers found that toddlers living in stepfamilies and single-parent families were more likely to suffer a burn, have a bad fall, or be scarred from an accident.
Source: O’Connor, T., L. Davies, J. Dunn, J. Golding, ALSPAC Study Team. “Differential Distribution of Children’s Accidents, Injuries and Illnesses across Family Type.” Pediatrics 106 (November 2000): e68.

- A study of 3,400 middle schoolers indicated that not living with both biological parents quadruples the risk of having an affective disorder.
Source: Cuffe, Steven P., Robert E. McKeown, Cheryl L. Addy, and Carol Z. Garrison. “Family Psychosocial Risk Factors in a Longitudinal Epidemiological Study of Adolescents.” Journal of American Academic Child Adolescent Psychiatry 44 (February 2005): 121-129.

- Children who live apart from their fathers are more likely to be diagnosed with asthma and experience an asthma-related emergency even after taking into account demographic and socioeconomic conditions. Unmarried, cohabiting parents and unmarried parents living apart are 1.76 and 2.61 times, respectively, more likely to have their child diagnosed with asthma. Marital disruption after birth is associated with a 6-fold increase in the likelihood a children will require an emergency room visit and 5-fold increase of an asthma-related emergency.
Source: Harknett, Kristin. Children’s Elevated Risk of Asthma in Unmarried Families: Underlying Structural and Behavioral Mechanisms. Working Paper #2005-01-FF. Princeton, NJ: Center for Research on Child Well-being, 2005: 19-27.

Father Factor in Childhood Obesity

- National Longitudinal Survey of Youth found that obese children are more likely to live in father-absent homes than are non-obese children.
Source: National Longitudinal Survey of Youth

- Study that looked at family lifestyle and parent’s Body Mass Index (BMI) over a nine year period found:
- Father’s Body Mass Index (BMI) predicts son’s and daughter’s BMI independent of offspring’s alcohol intake, smoking, physical fitness, and father’s education
- Furthermore, BMI in sons and daughters consistently higher when fathers were overweight or obese
- Physical fitness of daughters negatively related to their father’s obesity
- Obesity of fathers associated with a four-fold increase in the risk of obesity of sons and daughters at age 18
Source: Burke V, Beilin LJ, Dunbar D. “Family lifestyle and parental body mass index as predictors of body mass index in Australian children: a longitudinal study.” Department of Medicine, Royal Perth Hospital, University of Western Australia, and the Western Australian Heart Research Institute; Perth, Australia.

- A fathers’ body mass index (a measurement of the relative composition of fat and muscle mass in the human body) is directly related to a child’s activity level. In a study of 259 toddlers, more active children were more likely to have a father with a lower BMI than less active children.
Source: Finn, Kevin, Neil Johannsen, and Bonny Specker. “Factors associated with physical activity in preschool children.” The Journal of Pediatrics 140 (January 2002): 81-85.

- Study that looked at dietary intake and physical activity of parents and their daughters over a two year period found:
- Daughter’s BMI predicted by father’s diets and father’s enjoyment of physical activity
- As father’s BMI rose, so did their daughter’s BMI
Source: Davison KK, Birch LL. “Child and parent characteristics as predictors of change in girls' body mass index.” Department of Human Development and Family Studies, The Pennsylvania State University, University Park, Pennsylvania 16802, USA.

- Study that looked at the relationship between parent’s total and percentage body fat and daughter’s total body fat over a two and one-half year period found:
- Father’s, not mother’s, total and percentage body fat the best predictor of changes in daughter’s total and percentage body fat.
Source: Figueroa-Colon R, Arani RB, Goran MI, Weinsier RL. “Paternal body fat is a longitudinal predictor of changes in body fat in premenarcheal girls.” Department of Pediatrics, General Clinical Research Center, Medical Statistics Unit, Comprehensive Cancer Center, University of Alabama at Birmingham, USA.

- Two studies that have looked at the determinants of physical activity in obese and non-obese children found:
- Obese children less likely to report that their father’s were physically active than were the children of non-obese children. This determinant not found for mothers.
- Father’s inactivity strong predictor of children’s inactivity.
Source: Trost SG, Kerr LM, Ward DS, Pate RR. “Physical activity and determinants of physical activity in obese and non-obese children. School of Human Movement Studies, The University of Queensland, Brisbane, Queensland 4072, Australia.
Source: Fogelholm M, Nuutinen O, Pasanen M, Myohanen E, Saatela T. “Parent-child relationship of physical activity patterns and obesity.” University of Helsinki, Lahti Research and Training Centre, Finland.

- Children who lived with single mothers were significantly more likely to become obese by a 6-year follow-up, as were black children, children with nonworking parents, children with nonprofessional parents, and children whose mothers did not complete high school.
Source: Strauss RS, Knight J. “Influence of the home environment on the development of obesity in children.” Division of Pediatric Gastroenterology and Nutrition, University of Medicine and Dentistry of New Jersey, Robert Wood Johnson School of Medicine, New Brunswick, New Jersey 08903, USA.

Our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single" has several chapters about the father of your daughter's baby: "Where Does The Baby's Father Belong In All This?", "Forgiving The Baby's Father", "Forgiving The Young Man's Parents", and "The Importance Of A Father." You may find this book helpful as you and your daughter make decisions and plans.

Talk with your daughter about the issues revealed in the statistics above.

• Is she smoking while pregnant? Does she breathe in second-hand smoke? Many studies have shown how damaging this can be to her child. Help her find resources so she can quit smoking immediately. Don't let anyone smoke near her. Help her find a new job if her current one involves working in second hand smoke (such as at a bar or restaurant).
• Has your daughter gotten regular prenatal care? If not, find a way to get her to a doctor. Apply for medicaid; ask your church if they have a benevolence fund to help with medical bills; ask your hospital if they have a low-cost maternity clinic; ask her school if they have any maternity care on campus; look in the phone book to see if there are any charity clinics that could help her; call OptionLine (800-395-HELP) to get the name and phone number of a pregnancy resource center near you, then call them and see if they have any medical services or any referrals for medical help. There are several reputable internet sites that offer pregnancy healthy information so both you and your daughter should do a lot of reading about healthy pregnancy. Pregnancy resource centers may also be able to education your daughter on pregnancy health, delivery, and child care skills.
• Ask your daughter her thoughts about breastfeeding. If she currently does not plan to breastfeed, have her research the benefits of breastfeeding and then also write up a list of the pros and cons of breastfeeding vs. formula. If she chooses to breastfeed, make sure the hospital where she delivers her baby knows this so that they don't start the baby on a formula bottle in the nursery.
• Since single mothers report higher levels of stress, fewer contacts with family and friends, less involvement with church or social groups and less overall social support, what steps can you both take to avoid these problems? Does your church have a single parents support group? How about a new mother's support group, or a MOPS (Mothers Of PreSchoolers) group? What classes or community groups are offered from the hospital or local colleges?
• Talk with your daughter about family healthy histories: what health challenges are more common in your family (obesity, cancer, asthma, allergies, etc.)? What can she do to have a more healthy lifestyle both now and after the baby is born? What support will she need in order to make changes in her health and lifestyle?
  

As you and your daughter talk about an involved father for her child, try to determine who will play this role. It may be the child's father. If the child's father plans to be involved in raising the child, talk to him about these statistics too. What changes could he make now so that he is more healthy? In what areas is he a weaker role model and a stronger role model? What changes could he make to be a better father in the areas where he is currently weaker?

If the child's father will not be involved for whatever reason, who in your current family could play this crucial role? If no one is available or acceptable, spend some time considering an adoption plan where the child would have the advantages of a father as the child grows.

Fathers: Anti-Drugs, and Protectors

When talking about pregnancy in the teen and college population we often focus solely on the pregnant young mother, neglecting the father. So let's spend this week looking at fathers a little bit, and think and talk about how the baby's father impacts your daughter, her child, and your family.

The National Fatherhood Initiative reports the following statistics:

Father Factor in Drug and Alcohol Abuse

- Researchers at Columbia University found that children living in two-parent household with a poor relationship with their father are 68% more likely to smoke, drink, or use drugs compared to all teens in two-parent households. Teens in single mother households are at a 30% higher risk than those in two-parent households.
Source: “Survey Links Teen Drug Use, Relationship With Father.” Alcoholism & Drug Abuse Weekly 6 September 1999: 5.

- In a study of 6,500 children from the ADDHEALTH database, father closeness was negatively correlated with the number of a child’s friends who smoke, drink, and smoke marijuana. Closeness was also correlated with a child’s use of alcohol, cigarettes, and hard drugs and was connected to family structure. Intact families ranked higher on father closeness than single-parent families.
Source: National Fatherhood Initiative. “Family Structure, Father Closeness, & Drug Abuse.” Gaithersburg, MD: National Fatherhood Initiative, 2004: 20-22.

- Of the 228 students studied, those from single-parent families reported higher rates of drinking and smoking as well as higher scores on delinquency and aggression tests when compared to boys from two-parent households.
Source: Griffin, Kenneth W., Gilbert J. Botvin, Lawrence M. Scheier, Tracy Diaz and Nicole L. Miller. “Parenting Practices as Predictors of Substance Use, Delinquency, and Aggression Among Urban Minority Youth: Moderating Effects of Family Structure and Gender.” Psychology of Addictive Behaviors 14 (June 2000): 174-184.

Father Factor in Child Abuse

- Compared to living with both parents, living in a single-parent home doubles the risk that a child will suffer physical, emotional, or educational neglect.
Source: America’s Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being. Table SPECIAL1. Washington, D.C.: Federal Interagency Forum on Child and Family Statistics, 1997.

- The overall rate of child abuse and neglect in single-parent households is 27.3 children per 1,000, whereas the rate of overall maltreatment in two-parent households is 15.5 per 1,000.
Source: America’s Children: Key National Indicators of Well-Being. Table SPECIAL1. Washington, D.C.: Federal Interagency Forum on Child and Family Statistics, 1997.

- An analysis of child abuse cases in a nationally representative sample of 42 counties found that children from single-parent families are more likely to be victims of physical and sexual abuse than children who live with both biological parents. Compared to their peers living with both parents, children in single parent homes had:
- a 77% greater risk of being physically abused
- an 87% greater risk of being harmed by physical neglect
- a 165% greater risk of experiencing notable physical neglect
- a 74% greater risk of suffering from emotional neglect
- an 80% greater risk of suffering serious injury as a result of abuse
- overall, a 120% greater risk of being endangered by some type of child abuse.
Source: Sedlak, Andrea J. and Diane D. Broadhurst. The Third National Incidence Study of Child Abuse and Neglect: Final Report. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect. Washington, D.C., September 1996.

Our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single" has several chapters about the father of your daughter's baby: "Where Does The Baby's Father Belong In All This?", "Forgiving The Baby's Father", "Forgiving The Young Man's Parents", and "The Importance Of A Father." You may find this book helpful as you and your daughter make decisions and plans.

Talk with your daughter about the issues revealed in the statistics above.

• Ask your daughter if she has smoked, drank alcohol or used drugs in the past. Is she using these substances now that she is pregnant? Were these substances related to her sexual activity? How many of her friends smoke, drink, and smoke marijuana?
• Ask your daughter if she feels she has suffered physical, emotional, or educational neglect.
• What are her dreams for her child? What kind of home environment does she want for her child?
• What plans can your daughter make to provide for her child's physical safety? The child's emotional safety?
  
• What plans can your daughter make to be actively involved in her child's life, to avoid neglect?
  
• What about the baby's father: How will he help provide for the child's safety and the meeting of the child's needs?
• If the baby's father will not be actively involved in raising her child, who will provide a father figure? Which man will help safeguard the child's physical and emotional safety?
  

As you and your daughter talk about an involved father for her child, try to determine who will play this role. It may be the child's father. If the child's father will not be involved for whatever reason, who in your current family could play this crucial role? If no one is available or acceptable, spend some time considering an adoption plan where the child would have the advantages of a father as the child grows.