Younger age at first intercourse may signal past abuse

Why do teens get pregnant? Some of them are the victims of sexual abuse. Some teens are pregnant directly by their abuser, and some are pregnant because of self-defeating behaviors that are a result of coping with abuse.

Sexually abused girls may initiate intercourse earlier than their peers and engage in a wide variety of high-risk behaviors, including substance abuse. The average age of first intercourse for abused girls is 13.8, in contrast to the national average of 16.2. If your daughter is pregnant or has been sexually active at an age lower than the national average, ask her if she has experienced sexual abuse.

How does child abuse affect teenage pregnancy and promiscuity? These statistics are from the Darkness to Light organization:

• Children who have been victims of sexual abuse exhibit long-term and more frequent behavioral problems, particularly inappropriate sexual behaviors.
  
• Women who report childhood rape are 3 times more likely to become pregnant before age 18.
  
• An estimated 60% of teen first pregnancies are preceded by experiences of molestation, rape, or attempted rape. The average age of their offenders is 27 years.
  
• Victims of child sexual abuse are more likely to be sexually promiscuous.
  
• More than 75% of teenage prostitutes have been sexually abused.
  

Talk to all your daughters about these statistics, and ask them to tell you about any abuse they have recieved. If your daughter has been abused, get her medical assistance, counseling, and talk to authorities about reporting the abuse.

Being a mother means...

A recent article "How To Really Help Pregnant Teens" in the Christian Science Monitor, by Jeannette Pai-Espinosa summarizes a few reasons that teens intentionally get pregnant, from the book "Promises I Can Keep: Why Poor Women Put Motherhood Before Marriage" by Kathryn Edin and Maria Kefalas.

Edin and Kefalas interviewed 162 "single mothers living in poor neighborhoods at Philadelphia's urban core. They found that, to these women, being a mother meant:

• unconditional love;
• eliminating a sense of isolation;
• the ability to prove they are capable of maturity and high moral stature by being a good parent;
• and gaining control over their life.
• These mothers saw having a baby not as a burden, but as an opportunity."

Talk to your pregnant daughter about these points:

• What does being a mother mean to her?
• What emotional needs does she think motherhood will meet?
• How would she define unconditional love in general?
• What would unconditional love look like from an infant towards its mother? (How would an infant display unconditional love to its mother? Is crying a display that the infant does not love its mother?)
• What would unconditional love look like from mother towards child? (How would a mother display unconditional love to her child?)
• Does your daughter currently feel isolated or that she doesn't fit in?
• How would your daughter define maturity? What attitudes and actions are a part of maturity? What does she believe are the benefits of being an adult? What responsibilities come with those benefits, in her opinion?
• Ask your daughter to write a "job description" of a "good parent." What skills does a "good parent" need? What tasks will they perform? What education or experience would be beneficial? What qualities make a "good parent"?
• Ask your daughter if she thinks her life is out of control currently. What would she like her life to be like, instead? In what ways would a baby add to her control of her life? In what ways would a baby take away from her control of her life?

In our book, "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" we talk more about some of the reasons teens get pregnant in the chapter titled "The Importance of First Words". You can also read other blog posts about this topic by clicking the link below that says "Why".

Opting to Get Pregnant

A recent opinion column in the Washington Times, titled "Many Teens Opt to Get Pregnant", by Cheryl Wetzstein, lists some of the reasons that teens say they get pregnant according to a 1998 Guttmacher Institute study of 187 California teen mothers - 32% of whom intended to get pregnant.

• "I like babies, having something that's mine"
• "It's weird, but something or someone is telling me to have a baby"
• Some teens will see having a baby as a way to confirm their love relationships.
• Motherhood can catapult a teen into womanhood and a higher social status: to poor girls, becoming a mother is "the surest source of accomplishment within their reach."

Talk to your pregnant daughter about these points. Do any of these reasons play into her thinking?

Discuss what makes someone an adult. Is it just age? Is it responsibilities? How is independence defined in her words?

What are her current goals in life, short term and long term? What accomplishments would she like to finish? How will she get there? What practical step can she take towards these goals right now?

Abusive Relationships

An article on ScienceDaily.com, "Teen Girls Report Abusive Boyfriends Try To Get Them Pregnant" summarizes a study "based on interviews with 61 girls from a variety of racial and ethnic backgrounds with a known history of intimate partner violence living in the poorest neighborhoods in Boston. The analysis included 53 girls between the ages of 15 and 20 who reported being sexually active and involved in relationships that included recurring patterns of physical, sexual or emotional abuse from a male partner. Twenty-six percent of these girls reported that their partners were actively trying to get them pregnant by manipulating condom use, sabotaging birth control use and making explicit statements about wanting them to become pregnant."

Talk to your daughter about the study mentioned above.

• Has her partner ever hit, pushed, shoved, or otherwise physically hurt her?
• Has her partner ever threatened physical violence against her?
• Has her partner ever sexually abused her?
• Has her partner told her he is trying to get her pregnant?
• Has her partner emotionally abused her? For example, by calling her names or humiliating her in front of others?
• Does your daughter need help escaping from this relationship?

If your daughter's partner is abusive, discuss with her what steps you both can take to improve her physical safety. Should a restraining order be sought against the partner? Also help your daughter get the counseling she needs so that she can address the mental wounds she has received and heal so that she does not find herself in another abusive relationship.

Is the baby's father a gang member?

This recent report in the American Journal of Epidemiology finds that Latino girls (aged 14-19) whose boyfriend is in a gang are "twice as likely as their peers to become pregnant" (United Press International). Young girls who date a man who has been in jail in the past are also more likely than their peers to become pregnant. The report also points out that these girls face a higher risk of sexually transmitted diseases. These findings, while based on research on Latino girls, are likely similar to trends in other ethnicities.

Ask your daughter about the men she is dating. Do her dates belong to a gang? Do they have a history of being arrested or being in jail? If so, make sure your daughter is tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Talk to your daughter about her physical safety. Does a gang boyfriend put her safety at risk? If so, what steps can you take to improve her safety? Appendix A "Parental Authority Over A Minor" of our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" outlines six actions that parents can consider when trying to protect their minor daughters from men who are dangerous to their daughter's well-being. Consider talking to a lawyer or the police about getting a restraining order if needed.

Get a glimpse into one mind

Here are summaries from an actual blog belonging to a teen who is actively trying to get pregnant. You can see a bit of her thought processes and her motives, which are examples of answers to "why do some teens get pregnant." Obviously, not every pregnant teen feels like this, but some do. Entries have been summarized, but the underlying thoughts have not been altered. These entries are written over an 8 week period.



Day 1– She calls her boyfriend the "love of my life" and announces she is trying to conceive a baby with him.

Day 2 – She tells of a conversation with her boyfriend where he questions whether now is a good time to get pregnant since they are both still in school. She says, "But my best friend is pregnant and I feel so lonely." Some peer pressure here...she wants to fit in. She notes that she will try to talk him into agreeing to the pregnancy, that she doesn't want to wait until she's done with school.

Day 4- She notes that she should start saving money to care for the baby, commenting that her mother was poor when she was born and thus she ended up being raised by her grandmother. She promises herself that her baby will not be raised by its grandmother, her mother, and complains about the parenting she has received.

Day 6 – She reaffirms that she is intentionally trying to get pregnant. "I’m hoping by this time next year I'll have my own little bundle of joy." Either this is just a phrase, or she is hoping the baby will provide her with emotional fulfillment such as joy and unconditional love.

Day 8 – She tells the story of a previous miscarriage she had, and again hopes that she is pregnant. She has not finished grieving the lost child, and may be trying to replace the baby that was miscarried. When a woman has an abortion and then intentionally gets pregnant again, the new baby is called an 'Atonement child'. When trying to get pregnant again rapidly following a miscarriage, the baby is a 'Replacement child'.

Day 9 - She is very upset that she had a big fight with her boyfriend and they broke up. She says, "God, I hope I’m pregnant – it’s the only way to talk him back into loving me." Many women of all ages believe that they can restore a broken relationship by turning up pregnant with his child.

Day 14 – She is very upset because her old boyfriend has started dating someone else. She says, "I’ve never cried this much over a stupid boy. This must mean something. I’m praying a lot lately, asking God to forgive me and bless me and my ex-boyfriend - bless us with a child or make his parents love me or something. I’m praying for this life to stop being a wreck and for my heart to finally be whole." Many women of all ages believe that a child will fulfill all of the mother's emotional needs, which is a heavy burden to expect out of any human, and even more so for an infant.

Day 24 - She is analyzing every physical symptom she has, hoping that they indicate pregnancy. She ends the post with, "If I don’t get my period, then God loves me and wants my ex-boyfriend to be mine. If I do, then maybe it’s not meant to be or at least not right now." Again, she is hoping to hold on to the relationship by having a baby with him.

Day 28 - As it becomes clear that she is not pregnant, she is upset: "I’m about to cry - this was my last shot to get my ex-boyfriend back."

Day 54 - The next month, she has moved on and met a new boyfriend who is her age, and she wastes little time in building a relationship with him but instead says, "I’m considering trying to conceive with him."

Talk with your daughter about these thoughts. Is she feeling peer pressure to be sexually active? Are there aspects of home life she is trying to escape from by being sexually active? Is she believing that having a baby will get her out of the house? What is she hoping/expecting a baby to provide her emotionally? Is she trying to replace a child lost to abortion or miscarriage? Is she trying to hold on to a guy by getting pregnant?

Why? Perhaps she WANTS to be pregnant

In reading blogs today, I was given a pointer to a Xanga group where the participants are teens who are TRYING to become pregnant. Their blogs and profiles can provide insight into "why" some teens get pregnant -- they are actively trying to do so!

Some of the blogrings (there are a great many of them!) on Xanga are titled:

• Teens TTC (description "This blogring is strictly for teens that are TTC (trying to conceive). Just because we aren't adults yet doesnt mean we can't be excellent mommies and daddies. Screw being old-fashioned, its 2005, and times have changed.")
• So you wanna be a teen mom (description "You ever dream about having your own little bundle of joy...or maybe you just have this need in you...you need to parent!")
• Wants to be a teen mom (description "Yeah, you want to be a teen mother, you think you are going to be a good mother, and doesn't want to wait past the age 21 to have kids, and wants to have one as early as you can")
• Wannabe teen parents (description "If you are just dying to be a parent and you are younger than 20 please join")
• Teenz that want a baby (description "If you're a teen and you want a child")
• Bundle of love (description "This is for teens trying to conceive. If you want a baby and you're a teen, you're welcome here")

So the answer to the question "Why do teens get pregnant" is that for some of them, they wanted to be pregnant and tried hard to become so! The next job is to figure out what she hoped having a baby would do for her. Does she believe that a baby will provide her with unconditional love? Does she believe that she'll be able to leave home and live on government assistance on her own if she has a baby? Does she want a baby because some of her friends have a baby and she wants to fit in? Talk to your daughter and she if you two can brainstorm what benefits/rewards she hopes to receive by being pregnant. Did she actively try to conceive?

Why? Why? Why?!

Little children are not the only ones who constantly ask "Why?" The number one search phrase leading to this blog is also "Why", and it's also a question that haunts parents as they try to make sense of their single daughter's pregnancy.

The question is phrased lots of different ways (as taken from our stat logs):

• Why teens get pregnant
• Why do teens want to get pregnant
• Why do teenagers get pregnant
• Reason why teens get pregnant
• Why do so many teens get pregnant
• Why do teens get pregnancy [sic]
• Why do so many teenage girls get pregnant
• Why do teenagers get early pregnancy
• Book on why teenagers get pregnant
• Why girls get pregnant early
• Why do teens get pregnant at an early age
• Why do teens get pregnant early
• Reasons teens get pregnant
• The reasons teens get pregnant

The basic answer to all of these queries is "the reason teens get pregnant is that they are having sex." It may seem obvious to some, but not to others. We recently worked with a young couple where the girl was pregnant and all the boy could say (over and over and over) was "It was only sex! It was only sex!" He just could not get his mind around the fact that sex and pregnancy are intimately joined.

Our media has worked very hard to create the falsehood that sex is recreation only, that there are no consequences physically (pregnancy, STDs), emotionally (broken hearts and trouble trusting in future relationships), and spiritually (continuous intentional sin for singles having sex will lead to a hardened spirit). The 2005 "Sex on TV 4" report says

Across all scenes with sexual content in the teen sample, only 5% mention any risk and responsibility topics (see Table 22), almost the identical percentage observed for television overall (4%). Of the three categories of sexual risk and responsibility messages, the most common is sexual precaution, with 3% of sexual scenes addressing this topic, followed by the depiction of risks and/or negative consequences of sex (2%), and sexual patience (1%).

So in analyzing TV shows popular with teens, only 5% of scenes mention the fact that there are consequences to sex. The most common approach is simply to talk about contraceptives or prevention of STDs. The second approach is depiction of risks and/or negative consequences of sexual behavior. And the least common approach is to talk about abstinence or delaying sex ('sexual patience'). The "Sex on TV 4" report notes that "Sexual encounters that are presented without any of these elements certainly convey a much different message to the audience, and in
particular to young viewers, than portrayals that include them."

In chapter 2 "The Importance of First Words", in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy", we have a list of other possible reasons that may be a factor in a single daughter's pregnancy. One possible reason on that list is that your daughter may have been a victim of someone who exploited her innocence. A 2004 study found that 44% of high school students think that boys at their school often or sometimes push girls to drink alcohol or take drugs in order to get the girls to have sex or do other sexual things (from the "National Survey of American Attitudes on Substance Abuse IX: Teen Dating Practices and Sexual Activity" by the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University (http://www.casacolumbia.org/)).

Whether or not your daughter is pregnant, brainstorm with her all the factors that contribute to her sexual activity. See if the two of you can figure out "WHY" she is having sex. Is she being pressured or exploited? Is she hoping to "buy" love by giving sex? Has she been tested for STDs with each new sexual partner? Get your daughter the medical and emotional help she needs to make better choices going forward.

Why Do Teens Get Pregnant?

The Milwaukee Journal Sentinal ran an editorial recently (3/5/2008) as part of their political coverage, titled "A Teen Mom's Advice: Its OK if you wait", where they tell the story of Tiera Smith. Tiera recently turned 18 and has a 6-month old son, Kamran. According to the article, Milwaukee ranks 7th in the nation in terms of births to teens.

Tiera talks about the realities of motherhood at any age: sleep deprivation, change in lifestyle (how often you go out and where), and financial concerns. These ring true across all age groups and marriage situations and are not unique to teen pregnancy. The reporter asked Tiera why she thinks teens get pregnant.

She validated some of the comments given earlier by a group of girls in the program about why girls, generally, get pregnant too early. It's too much the norm in some quarters, she said. "Sex is the popularity; it's the hobby," Smith said. "They've made it kind of a style. They don't think about the consequences." Smith, born to a teen mom, puts herself in that last category of not thinking about the consequences. She knows about contraception and said she knows how to get it. But she had unprotected sex. "I knew if I had unprotected sex, I knew I was going to get pregnant." She did, and she did. "I wouldn't have gotten pregnant if I wasn't so immature about it." It was a matter of "lust that we thought was love."

I think there are a couple of mature insights here. First, many people of any age group (not just teens) think of sex as recreation and do not connect sex with pregnancy or any other consequence like STDs. Sex is indeed seen as a hobby today. A pastime, just like watching TV or playing video games. There are lots of reasons that teens and college students get pregnant, and some are listed in Chapter 2 "The Importance of First Words" of our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy: Practical Advice for the Parents of a Pregnant Christian Single". Brainstorm with your daughter all the factors (physical, emotional, and spiritual) that contributed to her sexual activity and pregnancy outside marriage. What changes can your daughter make in her future dating plans so that sex is saved for marriage? Leave us a comment with any tips you'd like to share with other parents.

Second, Tiera wisely understands in retrospect what many people have trouble with: lust is not love. Talk with your daughter about lust vs love. Ann Landers once wrote an interesting article about love vs infatuation. A modified verson of that article is found here. If your daughter is repentant of her sexual activity outside marriage, talk with her about restoring sexual integrity (see chapter 8 of "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy"). Many non-marriage relationships do not stay together after the birth of a child...if that is the case with your daughter, is she in need of counseling to help deal with the abandonment, betrayal and rejection she may be feeling?
In the article, Tiera says she is trying to finish high school via a program that lets her attend at later hours and only four days a week, to accomodate child care arrangements. What can your school do to help your student finish their program? Share the experiences you've had with your daughter's college or school by leaving a comment.

Read other posts about "why teens get pregnant" by clicking on the "Why" tag below.