Surviving Your Single Daughter's Pregnancy

Sexual purity, step 3

noreply@blogger.com (Chalfont House) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 13:00:00 +0000

Sexual purity, step 2

noreply@blogger.com (Chalfont House) — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 13:00:00 +0000

Sexual purity, step 1

noreply@blogger.com (Chalfont House) — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 13:00:00 +0000

Building character early in life

noreply@blogger.com (Chalfont House) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 13:05:00 +0000

Teaching manliness to sons

noreply@blogger.com (Chalfont House) — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 13:00:00 +0000

"Reading your male: an invitation to understand and influence your man's sexuality", by Mary Farrar, is a meaty book that has some interesting topics that would make for good conversations (maybe even debates) with your pregnant daughter.

On page 65, Farrar talks about Biblical manliness, "the natural God-given proclivity towards courage, healthy aggressiveness, and readiness to lead in personal relationships when it is proper to do so. Such manliness was commanded by God: be men (1 Kings 2:2; 1 Cor. 16:13); be leaders (Eph. 5:23, 1 Cor.11:3, 1 Tim 3:1,4,5); be warriors for good (1 Tim 1:18, 6:12); be strong and courageous (Josh. 1:6-9; 1 Tim. 1:7)."

Talk with your pregnant daughter about the above quote. Get out a Bible and read the passages that are quoted. Do you agree with the characteristics of manliness described above? Why/why not? What else would you add to the list, if anything?

Next (page 67), Farrar talks about Femininity by quoting Dr Steven Clark: "A woman is 'feminine' when she has an appropriate womanly personality, when her strength, assertiveness, and interests are expressed in a womanly way." Farrar summarizes, "woman's natural God-given proclivity towards nurture, sensitivity to people, and gentleness. It is womanly to be more a responder by nature, to tend towards being more verbally expressive, more driven towards intimacy and connection. .. It is also womanly to possess a healthy strength and assertiveness, and when these are expressed in the context of genuine femininity, they are a wonderful thing."

Talk with your pregnant daughter about the above quotes. Do you agree with the characteristics of femininity described above? Why/why not? What else would you add to the list, if anything?

Finally, Farrar talks about what can happen to a boy when the boy's "father is absent during the formative years of his life and he is surrounded, influenced, reared, trained, and educated by women who either intentionally or unintentionally shape him into their mold. In such an environment of female domination, a boy's natural masculine instincts (the drive to be physical and aggressive, to overcome fears, play rough, take risks, and step into confrontation) are either squelched or left to languish. More feminine traits like kindness, sensitivity, gentleness, concern with what others are thinking and feeling (all good traits in and of themselves) are elevated and become his primary template. As a result, a boy learns to value womanly traits over manly ones and to see and react to the world as a woman tends to see and react to it."

Discuss the above paragraphs with your pregnant daughter. What is her reaction to the idea that a woman can't act as a good template of manliness for her boy child? If your daughter will be single-parenting a boy child, who will act as his template for masculinity? Is there an older brother, uncle, grandfather or someone who will play a father role for her son? If there are no men available or suitable to be this role for your daughter's son, consider whether adoption into a two-parent family would be beneficial for him.

Farrar lists some possible consequence of a child not having a strong manly template to follow as he grows up (page 70):
1) He may show passiveness when it is appropriate to initiate and lead.
2) He may show a reluctance to confront or fight when a situation calls for it.
3) He may have reticence to take on the responsibilities of a wife and family.
4) He may have an over-concern with the approval of peers.
5) He may have a lack of drive to protect and provide.
6) He may show a reluctance to risk or take action, out of fear of failure.

Discuss this list with your pregnant daughter. How does her baby's father compare to this list? How does she feel about the possible consequences listed above... how much do they concern her? How does this list compare to the type of man she would like to marry someday?

As part of this discussion, you may find it helpful to read the chapter "The importance of a father" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Teen pregnancy, poverty, and unfinished education

noreply@blogger.com (Chalfont House) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 13:00:00 +0000

The January 2010 policy brief from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy is on the topic of the link between teen pregnancy and poverty.

Talk to your kids about these statistics:

1) "A child’s chance of growing up in poverty is nine times greater if the mother gave birth as a teen, if the parents were unmarried when the child was born, and if the mother did not receive a high school diploma than if none of these circumstances are present." Is your pregnant daughter a teen? How will she avoid poverty while raising her child? Would adoption provide a better financial situation for her child and for herself? Has your pregnant daughter finished her high school diploma? Will she be able to do so before giving birth? If not, what are her plans to finish high school in a timely manner? Does your pregnant daughter plan to marry the baby's father before the child is born? If not, what are their plans for the future of their relationship?

2) "Almost one-half of all teen mothers and over three-quarters of unmarried teen mothers began receiving welfare within five years of the birth of their first child." Note that this statistic shows that married teen mothers have a little more finances than unmarried teen mothers. Would the father of your daughter's child make a resonable marriage partner? Why or why not?

3) "Some 52% of all mothers on welfare had their first child as a teenager." If your pregnant daughter is a teenager, what are her plans to avoid sexual activity until she is married in the future? Would making an adoption plan for her child help her and her child to avoid being on welfare?

4) "Early and unplanned pregnancy often derails educational attainment, which is crucial to succeeding in the 21st century economy and qualifying for a well-paying job. Only 40% of mothers who have children before age 18 ever graduate from high school compared
with about three-quarters of similarly situated young women who delay childbearing until age 20 or 21. Furthermore, less than 2% of mothers who have children before age 18 complete college by the age of 30 compared to 9% of young women who wait until age 20 or 21 to have children." Does your pregnant daughter hope to go to college? What are her career goals? What are her plans on how to finish high school and/or college? Would an adoption plan help her to achieve her educational and career goals?

5) "Community colleges play a key role in improving economic mobility, especially for low-income students. However, 61% of women who have children after enrolling in community college fail to finish their degree, which is 65% higher than the rate for those who didn’t have children." If your pregnant daughter is in community college now, what is her plan on how she will finish her degree? Would an adoption plan help her finish her education?

6) "Three-quarters of the recent increase in the teen birth rate is attributed to older teens ages 18 and 19." Even though pregnant women this age are called teenagers, they are no longer minors... they are young adults! Many of these teens are in college, not high school, when they get pregnant. What plans does your daughter have to finish her college degree now that she is pregnant? Talk to your younger kids about delaying sexual activity until they are married, so that they are free to focus on education and career without the detour of pregnancy and the choices of parenting and adoption.

You might find it helpful to read the chapters titled "Completing School", "Should They Marry?", "Should She Make An Adoption Plan?" and "Should She Parent Alone?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Review: Guys are Waffles, Girls are Spaghetti

noreply@blogger.com (Chalfont House) — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 12:38:00 +0000

"Guys are Waffles, Girls are Spahetti" by Chad Eastham with Bill & Pam Farrel

This book is written in a very casual conversation style, aimed at young to mid teens. Boys might enjoy it more than girls because of the examples Chad gives from his own life about how he was an awkward teen. The text may seem rambling to adults, but perhaps this style will appeal to teens because it won't feel like a lecture.

The goal of the book is to discuss gender differences and realtionships. Chad gives a short explanation of brain anatomy and the main analogy that guy are waffles (they compartmentalize) while girls are spaghetti (everything can be interconnected). He also discusses sexting, learning listening skills, and dating.

Chad talks about the various reasons that some people date:

The rebel dater who simply wants to show independence and gain freedom.
"Dating for a daddy"...girls that are looking for love to replace the love they are not getting from their fathers. This may be especially true in single parent families.
Serial dating... constantly jumping from relationship to relationship because the person feels they can't be alone.
"Missionary dating" ..."This term describes people who date others with very different religious and social viewpoints from their own with the hope of 'converting' them."

Near the end of the book, Chad talks about sex. He reminds readers that guys and girls have sex for different reasons: guys give love in order to get sex, girls give sex in order to get love. Discuss this with your kids.

Talk to your kids about these neat factoids mentioned in the book:

96% of high school relationships will not last. Chad discusses the idea that dating in high school should strive not to involve deep committment and romantic emotions (and also be very limited physically) in order to protect yourself from heartbreak (due to the fact that so few of these relationships last). Talk about Chad's question with your kids: "If I were to tell you that you will date someone but that you probably won't marry that person, then what would you do differently in that relationship?" Most girls say they would be less likely to be sexual with their boyfriend.
"The younger you start dating and the more often you date people, the higher your odds are of experiencing unhealthy relationship habits, negative feelings, depression, a poor self-image, sexual abuse, rape, less relationship satisfaction, and a higher risk of suicide."
"The average age difference for married couples in the United States is just over two years. The average difference in age between teen girls who get pregnant and the guys who get them pregnant is 6.2 years."

The back of the book has a study guide that has questions that would be great conversation starters.

10 Questions Expectant Mothers Ask About Adoption

noreply@blogger.com (Chalfont House) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:48:00 +0000

Bethany Christian Services has the following list of adoption questions to discuss with your pregnant daughter. She may still be exploring her options, or she may have already selected an option. Talk about adoption anyway, so that when parenting is tough you can both say that you thoroughly explored every option and made an informed choice. Play a what-if game: what-if your pregnant daughter were exploring adoption as an option...talk about these topics:

How can adoption be a good choice for my baby and me?
If you're not ready to be a parent, you can still give your baby the gift of life by choosing adoption. Ask your pregnant daughter what qualities, skills, and assets she thinks it takes to be a parent. What parenting skills does she already possess? What parenting skills does she not yet have? Does she have all the parenting qualities she would want to be a good parent? What assets does she have (job, education, saved money, insurance, committed relationship, etc.), and what assets does she currently lack?

Can I choose the family for my baby?
Yes! Most agencies have many adoptive couples who have been studied and approved. You might also want to choose a friend or someone who has been recommended to you. Maybe there's someone in your extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) who would be a good family for her baby? What qualities and assets would be on her wish-list if she were going to look for an adoptive couple?

How much contact can I have with my baby after the birth and after adoption?
You can spend as much time with your baby at the hospital as you choose. When you are planning your child's adoption, you can choose an open adoption plan that allows ongoing visits, or you can choose a less open adoption that keeps you informed through letters and photos. If you prefer not to have any contact, confidential adoption is also possible. You and your pregnant daughter may have already decided against adoption. But talk about this anyway. Play a what-if game. What-if you were exploring adoption, how much contact would she want with her child?

How soon after birth can my baby go to the parents I choose?
The timing of your child's placement depends on your preference, legal aspects, and the role of the birthfather. Many mothers want their baby placed with the adoptive family directly from the hospital, while other mothers choose interim care while they consider their adoption decision. How soon would your pregnant daughter want her child to be placed with her chosen couple?

How much will my child know about me?
Regardless of the type of adoption plan, you will want to provide a thorough social and medical history for your child. If you develop an adoption plan that includes ongoing contact, your child will know about you directly. Even if your pregnant daughter is not considering adoption, sit down with her and write out her social history and her medical history. If she were to consider adoption, what other things would she like her child to know about her?

Does the expectant father have any rights?
Both you and the expectant father have rights. If you disagree about adoption or you no longer have a relationship with him, your agency will work with him and/or the courts to determine his rights. What is the status of your daughter's relationship with her child's father? If he is still involved with her, what are his thoughts on adoption?

Can my child find me if he or she wants to search someday?
Searching may only be necessary if there has not been ongoing contact. The law in your state determines when and how your child may access the information in the adoption file, which your caseworker can explain.

How can I be sure that my child will be well cared for?
There are standards that every prospective adoptive family must meet which are set by both the agency and the state in which they live. Families are thoroughly assessed before being approved for adoption, and a caseworker will make visits to the adoptive family after placement to ensure your child's well-being.

Do I need an attorney, or do I pay my agency to assist me with the adoption?
In many states, you will not need an attorney, and most agencies provide services to you at no cost. If you do need an attorney, usually those costs are paid by the adoptive family.

Can I get help with medical and living expenses while I'm making an adoption plan?
Assistance with medical and living expenses is available through many agencies. For details about how your agency can help you in your particular circumstances, contact your caseworker.

You may find it helpful to read the chapters "Should they marry?", "Should she parent alone?", "Should we adopt the baby?", and "Should she make an adoption plan?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy."

Attitudes About Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (Chalfont House) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 13:00:00 +0000

A Child Trends Research Brief from July 2009 was titled "Young Adult Attitudes About Relationships and Marriage: Times May Have Changed, But Expectations Remain High".

This Brief discusses data from a survey of U.S. students who were in 7th-12th grade during the years 1994-1995. This survey was a follow-up, conducted in 2001-2002 and had responses from 11,988 young adults between the ages of 20 and 24.

"The median age at first marriage in 1960 was 20 for women, by 2006, the median age had risen to 26. Men marry later than do women, with a median first marriage age of 23 in 1960 and 28 in 2006."

"83% of unmarried respondents reported that they thought it was important or very important to be married someday, compared with 5% who considered it unimportant and 12% who felt it was only somewhat important."

But only 26% of young adults surveyed said that they would like to be married right NOW. 44% of young adults in cohabiting relationships reported that they would currently like to be married.
Talk to your pregnant daughter and your family about these statistics. What are their thoughts about marriage? At what age would they like to be married? Are they currently in a relationship that could lead to marriage? You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Should they marry?" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" and discuss it with your pregnant daughter.

To "Let Go" Takes Love

noreply@blogger.com (Chalfont House) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 13:00:00 +0000

To "Let Go" Takes Love (Author Unknown)

To "Let Go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.

To "Let Go" is not to cut myself off, it is the realization I can't control another.

To "Let Go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "Let Go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To "Let Go" is not to try to change or blame another, it is to make the most of myself.

To "Let Go" is not to care for, but to care about.

To "Let Go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "Let Go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To "Let Go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To "Let Go" is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.

To "Let Go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "Let Go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

To "Let Go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and to cherish myself in it.

To "Let Go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To "Let Go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To "Let Go" is to fear less and to love more.

8 Myths and Realities About Adoption

noreply@blogger.com (Chalfont House) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 13:00:00 +0000

November is Adoption Awareness Month. Discuss the following information with your pregnant daughter, even if you and/or she currently are not even considering adoption.

8 Myths and Realities About Adoption, by Adoptive Families Magazine.\

Facts:
As of the 2000 Census, there were 1.5 million children under the age of 18 in America who joined their family through adoption, 2% of all children in the U.S.

In the U.S., there are 5 million people today who were adopted. More than 100,000 children are adopted each year.

94% of all Americans view adoption favorably.

Myth: Birthparents are all troubled teens.
Reality: Most birthparents today are over 18, but lack the resources to care for a child. It is generally with courage and love for their child that they terminate their parental rights.

Myth: Adopted children are more likely to be troubled than birth children.
Reality: Research shows that adoptees are as well-adjusted as their non-adopted peers. There is virtually no difference in psychological functioning between them.

Myth: Open adoption causes problems for children.
Reality: Adoptees are not confused by contact with their birthparents. They benefit from the increased understanding that their birthparents gave them life but their forever families take care of and nurture them.

Myth: Parents can’t love an adopted child as much as they would a biological child.
Reality: Love and attachment are not the result of nor guaranteed by biology. The intensity of bonding and depth of emotion are the same, regardless of how the child joined the family.

Attitudes About Cohabitation

noreply@blogger.com (Chalfont House) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Attitudes About A Successful Relationship

noreply@blogger.com (Chalfont House) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 13:00:00 +0000

A Child Trends Research Brief from July 2009 was titled "Young Adult Attitudes About Relationships and Marriage: Times May Have Changed, But Expectations Remain High".

This Brief discusses data from a survey of U.S. students who were in 7th-12th grade during the years 1994-1995. This survey was a follow-up, conducted in 2001-2002 and had responses from 11,988 young adults between the ages of 20 and 24.

"The Add Health survey identifies four elements that may serve as barometers of the relationship quality of couples between the ages of 20 and 24: love, fidelity, lifelong commitment, and having enough money. Respondents rated the importance of these elements for a successful relationship using a 1-10 scale in which 1 indicates not important at all and 10 indicates very important."

81% of men and 91% of women responding to the survey agreed that love is a very important component of a successful relationship. Similarly, 85% of men and 93% of women said that being faithful is very important. 72% of men and 82% of women said that making a lifelong committment is very important to a successful relationship. "More than 90% of married respondants said that they regarded love and fidelity as important elements of a relationship."

Only 26% of men and 21% of women said that having enough money is very important to a successful relationship. "Young adults who were cohabiting were somewhat more likely to feel that having enough money was a very important element of a successful relationship." In my experience, not having enough money is a main reason why pregnant couples say they couldn't possibly get married. Maybe money isn't as important to their long-term relationship as they think it is.

Talk to your pregnant daughter and your family about these statistics. How important do they think that love, being faithful, and making a lifelong committment are to a successful relationship?

Types of Young Adult Relationships

noreply@blogger.com (Chalfont House) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 14:14:00 +0000

One Flaw In Women

noreply@blogger.com (Chalfont House) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 16:08:00 +0000

I got this in email today and found it inspirational. I hope you do to.

Women have strengths that amaze men...

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,

but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy

and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in.

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer

when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel

and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about

a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member,

yet they are strong when they

think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss

can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you

to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what

makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have compassion and ideas.

They give moral support to their

family and friends.

Women have vital things to say

and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,

IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Keep healthy during flu season

noreply@blogger.com (Chalfont House) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 17:44:00 +0000

Remember these simple tips:

1) Wash your hands. Especially before you eat. Use soap and rub for 30 seconds before rinsing.

2) Avoid touching your face.

3) Cover your cough with the crook of your elbow, not your hands.

4) Avoid sick people.

If you get the flu:
1) Stay at home and get rest. The CDC recommends you stay home for 24 hours AFTER your fever is gone.

2) Stay hydrated with water, broth, or drinks like gatorade.

3) Know when to seek emergency medical care. Warning signs include: fast breathing or trouble breathing; bluish or gray skin color; dehydration symptoms such as dizziness when standing, absence of urination; Severe or persistent vomiting; flu symptoms that improve but then return with a fever and worse cough.

Who is the pregnant teen?

noreply@blogger.com (Chalfont House) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 01:43:00 +0000

Results of new public opinion polling show that 67% of adults believe that most teen mothers are from homes below the federal poverty level. Fully 70% of adults surveyed believe that most teen mothers come from single parents homes.New, first-of-its-kind analysis of existing research conducted for The National Campaign by Child Trends makes clear that both perceptions are incorrect:

Only 28% of those who report having given birth or fathered a child as a teen lived in families with incomes below the federal poverty line.

Seven in ten (72%) lived in families above the federal poverty level (31% at 100-199% of poverty and 41% at 200% or more of poverty).

Just 30% of those who report having given birth to or fathered a child as a teen say said they were living with a single parent.

Four in ten (39%) say they lived with both biological parents and 19% reported living with one biological and one step parent.

Alicia's Story

noreply@blogger.com (Chalfont House) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 12:00:00 +0000

In a report from the Family Research Council, titled "A Passion To Serve", Alicia tells her story:

Before I tell you my story, I want you to know that I take full responsibility for my actions. I’m not blaming anyone but me for the choices I made in my life. But that wasn’t how I felt that April night when I came home from work.

I came home that night feeling as if something was not right with my body. I continued questioning myself, “What could it be?” I sat down in the living room and just cried. I felt as if it really did not matter what was wrong because I did not have anyone to listen to me. Out of habit and without even thinking about it, I turned on the TV. And almost as soon as I did, a commercial for a home pregnancy test came on.

Hearing this ad raised a question in my mind. “Could this be what was wrong with me? No, I could not be pregnant.” I did not want to even think about it. So I bought a kit with two pregnancy tests and took the first test ... pregnant. Hoping I’d done something wrong, I took the second test ... pregnant.

Feeling terribly alone and extremely guilty, my mind filled with questions. “How could I be a mother? How could I provide a home for a baby?” I had to get out of my apartment. I left and went to talk to a friend. I know that my friend meant well. However, he was too busy working on his jeep to really have anything to say about my situation. He just kept saying, “Are you sure? Do you know who the father is?” Talking with him only made things worse.

I turned the TV back on. And that’s when I heard a young woman’s voice saying: “If you’re facing an unplanned pregnancy, you have options. You don’t have to be alone. Call 1-800-395-HELP. Our services are totally confidential and free. If you’re pregnant, call now. There is help.” I couldn’t believe my ears. It was as if God had arranged things just so I heard that ad at the very moment when I most needed some hope.

Grace. That’s what moved me to respond to that young woman’s voice.

The name of the woman at the Option Line contact center who took my call was Megan. But for me that night, Megan was an angel from heaven.

She understood what I was going through because she’d had a crisis pregnancy herself. She was kind and not in the least judgmental. And she gave me the information and encouragement I needed...especially about adoption since that’s the option Megan chose for her baby. But most of all...Megan gave me hope. So when she asked if I wanted her to connect me to a local crisis pregnancy center’s 24-hour hotline, I said yes...and a moment later I was talking with a trained volunteer and making an appointment to come in for a consultation the very next day.

I met with a volunteer named Peggy and I talked for a long time. I poured out my heart to her. I was so afraid. I was sure that neither my father nor my boyfriend would support me. I told Peggy I would probably lose my job because my company has a “no fraternization” policy, and my boyfriend and I work for the same company. I talked for what seemed like forever...and Peggy listened.

Finally, after I’d talked myself out, Peggy took my hands in hers, looked me in the eye and told me she was there to help me. You can’t imagine how I felt at the sound of those words. It was as if a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

Peggy assured me that I was not alone. She said she would be with me every step of the way. And then she prayed with me. After that, Peggy said that before she and I could address the changes I needed to make in my life, the first thing I needed to do was make sure I was pregnant. So I agreed to come back to the center’s medical clinic for an ultrasound.

Almost immediately after leaving the clinic, I called my mother at work. I just straightened my voice and said, “Mom, please don’t hate me...I’m pregnant.” As soon as the words came out, the tears started flowing again. All I could hear my mom say is that everything would be okay and that she was my mom and she was here to support me.

I am grateful to God for my mom. She did not abandon me. In fact, she came with me when I went in for my [second] sonogram. I am so thankful she did. I saw my baby’s heart beating on the screen, and my mother and I began to weep. Then the nurse showed us the images of my baby.

This past December – thanks to God – I gave birth to my baby girl. Her name is Alexis Jean...and she is the light of my life. If it hadn’t been for Heartbeat, I don’t know how I would have gotten by.

You and your pregnant daughter do not have to succumb to pressure to have an abortion either. Do your research on all options carefully. Pray about it. Get counsel from a mature Christian who does not have a stake in the decision. Talk to someone at your local pregnancy resource center. You may find our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" a helpful resource to help you discuss all the decisions that must be made.

October is "Let's talk" month

noreply@blogger.com (Chalfont House) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 12:00:00 +0000

The National Campaign to prevent teen and unplanned pregnancy reminds parents that October is "Let's talk" month, and encourages parents to have lots of little talks about sex and relationships, not one big talk. Here are Ten Tips they offer to parents:

1) Be clear about your own sexual values and attitudes. Communicating with your children about sex, love, and relationships is often more successful when you are certain in your own mind about these issues. To help clarify your attitudes and values, think about the following kinds of questions:
What do you really think about school-aged teenagers being sexually active - and perhaps even becoming parents?
Who is responsible for setting sexual limits in a relationship and how is that done, realistically?
Were you sexually active as a teenager and how do you feel about that now? Were you sexually active before you were married? What do such reflections lead you to say to your own children about these issues?
What do you think about encouraging teenagers to abstain from sex?
What do you think about teenagers using contraception?

2. Talk with your children early and often about sex, and be specific. Kids have lots of questions about sex, and they often say that the source they'd most like to go to for answers is their parents. Start the conversation, and make sure that it is honest, open, and respectful. If you can't think of how to start the discussion, consider using situations shown on television or in movies as conversation starters. Tell kids candidly and confidently what you think and why you take these positions; if you're not sure about some issues, tell them that, too.
Here are questions that kids say they want you to talk to them about:
How do I know if I'm in love?
Will sex bring me closer to my girlfriend/boyfriend?
How will I know when I'm ready to have sex?
Should I wait until marriage?
Will having sex make me popular?
Will it make me more grown-up and open up more adult activities to me?
How do I tell my boyfriend that I don't want to have sex without losing him or hurting his feelings?
How do I manage pressure from my girlfriend to have sex?
How does contraception work?
Can you get pregnant the first time?

Be a parent with a point of view. Tell your children what you think. Don't be reluctant to say, for example:
I think kids in high school are too young to have sex, especially given today's risks.
Our family's religion says that sex should be an expression of love within marriage.
Finding yourself in a sexually charged situation is not unusual; you need to think about how you'll handle it in advance. Have a plan. Will you say "no"?
It's okay to think about sex and to feel sexual desire. Everybody does! But it's not okay to get pregnant/get somebody pregnant as a teenager.
One of the many reasons I'm concerned about teens drinking is that it often leads to unprotected sex.
(For boys) Having a baby doesn't make you a man. Being able to wait and acting responsibly does.
(For girls) You don't have to have sex to keep a boyfriend. If sex is the price of a close relationship, find someone else.

3. Supervise and monitor your children and adolescents. Establish rules, curfews, and standards of expected behavior, preferably through an open process of family discussion and respectful communication. If your children get out of school at 3 pm and you don't get home from work until 6 pm, who is responsible for making certain that your children are not only safe during those hours, but are also engaged in useful activities? Where are they when they go out with friends? Are there adults around who are in charge? Supervising and monitoring your kids' whereabouts doesn't make you a nag; it makes you a parent.

4. Know your children's friends and their families. Friends have a strong influence on each other, so help your children and teenagers become friends with kids whose families share your values. Some parents of teens even arrange to meet with the parents of their children's friends to establish common rules and expectations. It is easier to enforce a curfew that all your child's friends share rather than one that makes him or her different - but even if your views don't match those of other parents, hold fast to your convictions. Welcome your children's friends into your home and talk to them openly.

5. Discourage early, frequent, and steady dating. Group activities among young people are fine and often fun, but allowing teens to begin steady, one-on-one dating much before age 16 can lead to trouble. Let your child know about your strong feelings about this throughout childhood - don't wait until your young teen proposes a plan that differs from your preferences in this area; otherwise, he or she will think you just don't like the particular person or invitation.

6. Take a strong stand against your daughter dating a boy significantly older than she is. And don't allow your son to develop an intense relationship with a girl much younger than he is. Older guys can seem glamorous to a young girl - sometimes they even have money and a car to boot. But the risk of matters getting out of hand increases when the guy is much older than the girl. Try setting a limit of no more than a two- (or at most three-) year age difference. The power differences between younger girls and older boys or men can lead girls into risky situations, including unwanted sex and sex with no protection.

7. Help your teenagers have options for the future that are more attractive than early pregnancy and parenthood. The chances that your children will delay sex, pregnancy, and parenthood are significantly increased if their futures appears bright. This means helping them set meaningful goals for the future, talking to them about what it takes to make future plans come true, and helping them reach their goals. Tell them, for example, that if they want to be a teacher, they will need to stay in school in order to earn various degrees and pass certain exams. It also means teaching them to use free time in a constructive way, such as setting aside certain times to complete homework assignments. Explain how becoming pregnant - or causing pregnancy - can derail the best of plans; for example, child care expenses can make it almost impossible to afford college. Community service, in particular, not only teaches job skills, but can also put teens in touch with a wide variety of committed and caring adults.

8. Let your kids know that you value education highly. Encourage your children to take school seriously and to set high expectations about their school performance. School failure is often the first sign of trouble that can end in teenage parenthood. Be very attentive to your children's progress in school and intervene early if things aren't going well. Keep track of your children's grades and discuss them together. Meet with teachers and principals, guidance counselors, and coaches. Limit the number of hours your teenager gives to part-time jobs (20 hours per week should be the maximum) so that there is enough time and energy left to focus on school. Know about homework assignments and support your child in getting them done. Volunteer at the school, if possible. Schools want more parental involvement and will often try to accommodate your work schedule, if asked.

9. Know what your kids are watching, reading, and listening to. The media (television, radio, movies, music videos, magazines, the Internet) are chock full of material sending the wrong messages. Sex rarely has meaning, unplanned pregnancy seldom happens, and few people having sex ever seem to be married or even especially committed to anyone. Is this consistent with your expectations and values? If not, it is important to talk with your children about what the media portray and what you think about it. If certain programs or movies offend you, say so, and explain why. Be "media literate" - think about what you and your family are watching and reading. Encourage your kids to think critically: ask them what they think about the programs they watch and the music they listen to.You can always turn the TV off, cancel subscriptions, and place certain movies off limits. You will probably not be able to fully control what your children see and hear, but you can certainly make your views known and control your own home environment.

10. These first nine tips for helping your children avoid teen pregnancy work best when they occur as part of strong, close relationships with your children that are built from an early age. Strive for a relationship that is warm in tone, firm in discipline, and rich in communication, and one that emphasizes mutual trust and respect. There is no single way to create such relationships, but the following habits of the heart can help:
Express love and affection clearly and often. Hug your children, and tell them how much they mean to you. Praise specific accomplishments, but remember that expressions of affection should be offered freely, not just for a particular achievement.
Listen carefully to what your children say and pay thoughtful attention to what they do.
Spend time with your children engaged in activities that suit their ages and interests, not just yours. Shared experiences build a "bank account" of affection and trust that forms the basis for future communication with them about specific topics, including sexual behavior.
Be supportive and be interested in what interests them. Attend their sports events; learn about their hobbies; be enthusiastic about their achievements, even the little ones; ask them questions that show you care and want to know what is going on in their lives.
Be courteous and respectful to your children and avoid hurtful teasing or ridicule. Don't compare your teenager with other family members (i.e., why can't you be like your older sister?).
Show that you expect courtesy and respect from them in return.
Help them to build self-esteem by mastering skills; remember, self-esteem is earned, not given, and one of the best ways to earn it is by doing something well.
Try to have meals together as a family as often as possible, and use the time for conversation, not confrontation.

You may find it helpful to read the chapter "Restoring Sexual Integrity" in our book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy".

Mallory's story

noreply@blogger.com (Chalfont House) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 12:00:00 +0000

In a report from the Family Research Council, titled "A Passion To Serve", Mallory tells her story:

My story of survival is one that I often take for granted. My life was ill conceived and what some would call illegitimate. I am the child of the hard case, the case used to justify abortion.

The night of my conception my mother made the unfortunate mistake of running to a false friend for emotional comfort during a personal crisis. Another man was there, and using the situation to his advantage, he and her “friend” managed to get her drunk, leaving her no possibility of getting home that night. She was shown to a spare bed, in which this stranger would also be sleeping. With the alcohol impairing her judgment as well as her strength, she became the unwitting victim of a rape.

When she realized she was pregnant, she turned to Living Alternatives for help. They counseled her through the pregnancy and gave her information about the positive aspects of adoption. Fortunately, my birthmother made the heroic decision to provide me with a loving mother and father, wonderful people that I am blessed to call my parents. I have never once felt unloved, unwanted, or out of place in my adoptive family. My parents make it a point to tell me that my adoption was the perfect answer to their infertility. They rejoice to see me spread my wings as a college student.

In the midst of simply enjoying life and looking forward to the future, it is sobering to think that had my birthmother not turned to the pregnancy center for help, I might not have left her womb intact. I am glad to be alive and I feel an obligation to let people know that pregnancy centers are good for America because they really do help women and children. Currently, I see myself fighting for the lives of other babies much like me. With the gift I have received, that would be perfectly legitimate.

I am currently enjoying life as a student at Regent University.

Tia's story

noreply@blogger.com (Chalfont House) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 12:00:00 +0000

In a report from the Family Research Council, titled "A Passion To Serve", Tia tells her story:

When I found out I was pregnant, I had no idea what I was going to do. I thought there was no way I could provide for a child and decided that abortion was my only option. I went to the City Health Department looking for an abortion referral, but they suggested I go to the Pregnancy Care Center, a local Care Net center in Rocky Mount, North Carolina. At first I was scared they were going to judge me because of my situation, but when I walked through the doors I was accepted with open arms. My peer counselor offered me hope and assurance and told me that God has a plan for everyone, and that included me and my child. She told me that God would take care of both of us if I would let Him. That day, I gave my life to Jesus Christ and chose life for my child.

The center arranged for me to have an ultrasound, which revealed that I was having twins! Excited but a little anxious, this news motivated me to begin parenting classes at the center as well as to attend a Bible study. Through the parenting classes, I learned how to take care of myself, as well as my children. Through the Bible study, I learned how to draw closer to God and how to make positive decisions for my future. I realized that I’m worth waiting for and have made a new commitment to remain abstinent until marriage.

Today I am the proud mother of twins, a boy and girl, who I named Ma-chi and Ma-chiya. I plan on completing a degree in nursing and will soon begin classes.

If I could give advice to other girls that find themselves in a similar situation, I would tell them to never give up and to put all their faith in God, because with Him, anything is possible!

Tina and Isabella's Story

noreply@blogger.com (Chalfont House) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 12:00:00 +0000

In a report from the Family Research Council, titled "A Passion To Serve", Tina tells her story:

My boyfriend said there was only one option: abortion. After all, what would our parents say? What would the people at our church think?

I obediently scheduled an appointment, but before the date arrived, I was overwhelmed with doubts. I knew I couldn't do it. Desperate for help and options, I turned to the phone book and found the Care Net Pregnancy Center of Cochise County.

I scheduled an appointment to meet with a peer counselor. They sat down with me and helped me go over all of my options, and they really listened to my needs. I didn't feel judged; I just felt cared for.

After meeting with my counselor, I knew that I wanted to keep this baby. I still had fears about how this decision was going to affect my future, but the staff from the pregnancy center was there for me throughout my pregnancy. They offered me parenting classes as well as ears to talk to, shoulders to cry on, and ready prayers.

And now, I have a beautiful little daughter, Isabella. When I look at my daughter, I still cannot believe that I almost considered abortion. Life as a single mother is not a bed of roses, but the love that I have for my daughter and the love that she gives to me make it all worthwhile.

I am so thankful for the love and support I received at the Care Net center and for their continuing friendship and prayers!

Megan and Ava's Story

noreply@blogger.com (Chalfont House) — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 12:00:00 +0000

In a report from the Family Research Council, titled "A Passion To Serve", Megan tells her story:

When I found out I was pregnant, I was scared, confused, and believed everything I had been told. "Having a baby will ruin your life." "Abortion is the only way out." "Young single mothers cannot make it in this world." The fears I felt toward confronting the pregnancy, and having such drastic changes take place in my life, confirmed my decision. An abortion was the only way to "save" my life as I knew it.

I made an appointment for the next week for a medical abortion, where I would take the medication/pill regimen known as RU-486. The thought of "surgical abortion" made me queasy, and the clinic staff made the pill sound so simple - like taking a Tylenol for a headache. It seemed like the perfect solution had fallen right in my lap. But what I first thought was the answer to my prayers soon came with its own set of worries. I couldn't shake the nagging thoughts in the back of my mind, those unsettled feelings that I was sure would disappear since I had made the appointment to take the RU-486.

My anxiety worsened as the date for the abortion grew closer. I crept slowly through the days, wishing that I could stall the abortion appointment until I felt 100% confident about my choice. It was the biggest decision of my life, and I needed, I craved some conviction that it was the right decision. One day, as I was riding on the bus I saw a sign that read, "Considering Abortion? Pregnancy Care Centers: Caring, Confidential, Trusted." It gave me a sense of comfort I hadn't felt in weeks. I decided to call the number... I figured at that point, what did I have to lose? Maybe I did have one more chance to talk to someone before the abortion.

When I called the Help Line phone number, I was nervous - I didn't want to be judged or pressured. I just wanted to hear something hopeful. The woman on the other end of the line listened, and didn't judge. She gave me information, and set me up with an appointment. I don't know what prompted me to go. But I knew that I couldn't go in and get the abortion without some sense of affirmation that whatever choice I made, it would be a well-informed decision.

The visit to the pregnancy care center changed my life. For the first time, I saw my situation for what it really was - a blessing, a miracle of life. I saw my baby on the ultrasound as a real person. I could see her as a newborn baby... a little girl... and a grown woman who would do amazing things in this world if I would just give her the opportunity. Seeing Ava opened my eyes to everything I couldn't see before. I was able to see past my fears and my worries, and experience the excitement and joy of a new life. I felt a renewed sense of purpose, and an overwhelming responsibility to myself as a woman, and my capabilities of being a mother. The support and love the center showed me gave me the validation I was searching for all along.

The center wasn't about fixing a "problem" or telling me what to do - it was about the undeniable, unselfish celebration of life... and not just my baby's life, but mine as well. It was about empowerment, guidance and support. They were my reminder, when I was too scared to remind myself, that I didn't need to succumb to pressure just because I was afraid, and that I could choose the life I wanted. For the first time, I felt like I had choices and that I could make a genuine, confident decision.

When I left the clinic, I realized that the pit in my stomach was gone. I no longer had that nagging feeling of dread I had while I was waiting to have the abortion. I finally understood that the dread was not just a result of my current situation. It was really a preview of the regret that I would feel living the rest of my life knowing I had made a decision that I didn't have any information about. It was regret in a decision which would have stolen those qualities of joy and unconditional love that I experience in my life every day now.

Now available in Spanish!

noreply@blogger.com (Chalfont House) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 13:08:00 +0000

Our best-selling book "How To Survive Your Teen's Pregnancy" is now available in Spanish!

"Como Sobrevivir el Embarazo de su Adolescente" is available on Amazon.com and also directly from us.

October: Domestic Violence Awareness Month

noreply@blogger.com (Chalfont House) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 12:00:00 +0000

National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or TTY 1-800-787-3224
This violence hotline is open for victims or anyone calling on their behalf 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline counselors can provide crisis intervention, information or referrals to agencies across the nation. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 170 languages through interpreter services.

National Sexual Assault Hotline
1-800-656-4673 (HOPE)
Among its programs, Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE). This nationwide partnership of more than 1,100 local rape treatment hotlines provides victims of sexual assault with free, confidential services around the clock. When a caller dials 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE), the call is automatically connected to a local U.S. rape crisis program near the phone number's area code.

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline
1-866-331-9474 or TTY 1-866-331-8453
To raise awareness and champion zero tolerance of dating violence among teens, the National Domestic Violence Hotline offers the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline in conjunction with the Love Is Respect program for teens and parents seeking help. An online chat option is available from 4 p.m. – 2 a.m. CST.

Break The Cycle
Break the Cycle believes everybody has the right to safe and healthy relationships—regardless of where they live, who they are or what they believe. That is why they work every day toward its mission to engage, educate and empower youth to build lives and communities free from domestic violence. Break the Cycle offers programs that defy geographic bounds—ensuring that no young person is excluded from receiving the help, tools and information they need to live free from violence. Break the Cycle’s success is demonstrated by more than a decade of leadership in working with teens to prevent and end domestic and dating violence.

Resources & Programs located on The Mary Kay Foundation Web site